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[h/t Mikke S.]


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  1. Hootie at the sobriety checkpoint… Looks like those pupils are pretty dilated Hootie!!!

  2. “Look, we can do this here, or at the station… how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”

  3. Police: you are not under arrest, but you are not free to go.
    Owl: did you hear what you just said?

  4. OK, The straight line was not too bad,…
    Now close your eyes, stick out your tongue and touch your nose.

    • I would like to buy a different vowel, phone a friend and get rid of Siri. What happened to TTAG edit?

  5. “Do you know why I stopped you?”
    “One more time and I’m hauling you in, wise cracker!”

  6. “Jaywalking! Are you sh*tting me, Barney. Don’t you have any real crime in this burg?”

  7. “What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little *****? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that **** to me over the Internet? Think again, ******. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable *** off the face of the continent, you little ****. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you ******* idiot. I will **** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******** dead, kiddo.”

  8. “There will be a day of reckoning for you non-believer! A totaling of sums! A snapping of necks! And you will count yourself among the damned!!”

  9. *Gulp* “What bag of endangered Colorado Mountain Vole Crispy Snacks? Those were pot cookies Ma’am, I swear!”

  10. Look lady, I came here to chew mouse bones and kick ass…and I’m all out of mouse bones…

    RIP Roddy Piper

  11. Of the many problems that have cropped-up with the use of owls as law enforcement body-cams, the most problematic is the interruption of the hourly “potty break”.

  12. “Owl? What do you mean owl? I’m a chicken hawk, see! And you’re a chicken, see? And I’m gonna EAT YOU!”

  13. LEO:Obama has declared the rat a protected species.
    Owl: But I don’t eat politicians.

  14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be held against you in a court of law.

  15. Ok mom I’ll distract her while you raid her car. Just don’t forget to poop her on your way out so that I can fly away.

  16. “Sir, we have word that you’re an acquaintance of the suspected hunny thief. Can you give us any information on his whereabouts?”


    “Short guy, yellow, red t-shirt and no pants, goes by the street name ‘Pooh’.”


  17. Acutely aware of the LEO reputation for shooting animal life, the owl immediately duped him into a staring contest knowing LEO would tire easily.

  18. “I don’t know what they taught you at the academy officer but this is my home, I don’t need any damn permit to carry this beak and talons.”

  19. I woke up in a Soho doorway
    The policeman knew my name
    He said, “You can go sleep at home tonight
    If you can get up and walk away”
    I staggered back to the underground
    The breeze blew back my hair
    I remembered throwing punches around
    And preachin’ from my chair

    Who are you
    Who who who who
    Who are you
    Who who who who

  20. Ma’am, I need to report a missing boy. He’s average height and build with a lightning shaped birthmark on his forehead.

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