Question of the Day: What Gun for Santa?

Fake Santa with gun (courtesy

In the video below, a faux Santa gets his ballistic ya-yas out. But armed self-defense is a serious business for the real St. Nick — given that he must deliver presents everywhere, including some sketchy neighborhoods. Not the mention the fact that many armed home-, apartment- or hovel-owners could mistake the Presentator for a home invader. So . . . what carry gun and sleigh gun for Santa?


  1. avatar MiketheHopsFarmer says:

    Anything full auto and suppressed so it’s, “Nose glowed so bright! “

  2. avatar Grumpy says:

    “Your mistletoe is not match for my T.O.W missile” – Robot Santa from Futurama

    1. avatar Adub says:

      That was my second thought. My first thought was Santaโ€™s sleigh from South Park when the Iraqis shoot him down and torture him.

  3. avatar Echo5Bravo says:

    Phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range.

    1. avatar No one of consequence says:

      So he can give somebody a mild heat rash?

    2. avatar Splic3r says:

      Like a lightbulb? Maybe kW would be more effective

    3. avatar The Rookie says:

      Hey, just what you see in the sleigh, pal.


  4. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

    stillnacht grinch magnum in .50 comet with a silent night suppressor. plus seven deer rifles and one slug gun (buckshot).

  5. avatar former water walker says:

    Santa won’t need a gun…he’ll just avoid those naughty kids!๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  6. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

    OK. That flame thrower was super cool. I gotta see how much those run.
    I can’t think of a better tool for starting a camp fire. Especially when it’s cold and wet out. Like right now. (Freezing rain here in the PDX metro area)

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      “I canโ€™t think of a better tool for starting a camp fire. Especially when itโ€™s cold and wet out. Like right now.”

      A spray can of engine starting fluid (ether) being lit off with a Zippo into blowtorch mode also works well…

      1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

        And as my truck is a diesel, I’ve always got a can of ether in it for these cold mornings.

      2. avatar Geoff PR says:

        The flame thrower ranks far more ‘cool’ points with your buddies than the ether, tho…

    2. avatar Chris Heuss says:

      We have that same flamethrower model in for review! Look for it sometime next month.

    3. avatar TX_Lawyer says:

      You can get a flamethroweresque tool from home depot for about $50 for starting fires. We had one to get a massive bbq pit started quick. I don’t know what model we had, but I think it was even cheaper. I also don’t know how well it would work for wet would, but I think it would work.

      1. avatar Geoff PR says:

        Oh, Hell, yeah!

        Nice long hose, propane-fired.

        I could have some serious fun with that bad-boy…


        1. avatar TX_Lawyer says:

          Just for the record, that’s probably not the model we had. It’s just the first thing I interneted up.

        2. avatar epickett says:

          I wonder how well it would melt all this damn snow in my driveway…

  7. avatar MDH says:

    A double barreled coach gun with plenty of reloads for the sleigh, two pearl handled 1911’s for his belt, and and a Ma Deuce (with attendant door gunner elf) for difficult neighborhoods like Beirut, the West Bank, and Chicago.

  8. avatar No one of consequence says:

    “The name’s Kringle. Kriss Kringle.”

    (To the tune of the Bond theme)
    “JIN-GLE bells, JIN-GLE bells, JING JING ja JINGLE …”

  9. avatar Vic Nighthorse says:

    Copying Scholagladitoria? Matt Easton’s verision of this idea was better and funnier.

  10. avatar Geoff PR says:

    “Question of the Day: What Gun for Santa?”


    Considering the altitude he reportedly flies at, I’d say a German 88mm anti-aircraft artillery gun should do the trick.

    And thanks to that scrawny Rudolph’s bright red nose, getting a proper lead on the sleigh should be a snap…

    *Snicker*… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. avatar ironicatbest says:

    speed dial 9-1-1 is all that’s needed. Support your Local Law Enforcement. NLM

    1. avatar Specialist38 says:

      So they can pick up the body and clean up a bit.

  12. avatar NikonKidF3 says:

    Down the chimney, MP5SD in 9mm to not wake up the kiddies…

    For the sled, M134 Minigun in 7.62mm to really spread some Christmas cheer.

  13. avatar Specialist38 says:

    I’m thinking a drilling in 12×9.63.

    Ought to cover most everything and fit the ensemble.

  14. avatar The Dude Abides says:

    Santa is a professional. He carries a Glock.

  15. avatar Roymond says:

    A MiB Noisy Cricket. It looks like a Christmas ornament, so it’s perfect.

  16. avatar CCDWGUY says:

    Sled mounted 50 cal. that will make the reindeer run!!!

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      When the reindeer slow down, hit ’em in the ass with a mag-fed Serbu Super-Shorty with bean-bag loads…

  17. avatar Joe R. says:

    A Hi-Point .45.

    With all those gifts, he can only afford one extra full spare mag.

  18. avatar Ralph says:

    “What Gun for Santa?”

    TTAG wants to shoot Santa? WTF? I though you liked OFWGs.

  19. avatar jwm says:

    “9-1-1. What’s the nature of your emergency?”

    ‘Send the police and the medics to 1234 Smith Street. I just shot a white haired homeless dude in my living room. Better send animal control, too. And a wrecker. I got deer and some funny looking wagon scattered all around my house.

    I don’t know how they got there, but they was on the roof. When I shot the home intruder they panicked. Now I got injured animals and wreckage everywhere.’

    “Calm down sir. Is the intruder still alive?”

    ‘I don’t see how he could be. He’s bled so much his suit is all red.’

  20. avatar Darkman says:

    Twin Ma Deuce and the whole 9 yards of ammo.

  21. avatar ACP_arms says:

    Santa’s defensive guns
    Pistol – suppressed .45
    Rifle – suppressed 300 Blackout SBR
    Sleigh mounted – suppressed M2
    Why those? don’t want to wake the kiddos.

    To shoot Santa – as has been said Flak 18 88mm and/or 12 gauge with buckshot and slugs.

  22. avatar ArtM says:

    Santa? I’m seeing a Colt Python, .357, in a nice leather shoulder rig …

  23. avatar Defens says:

    Springfield’s got him covered, obviously. The Saint.

  24. avatar Sid says:

    Fightlite Raider in 5.56 with a suppressor. He wears it in a custom drop leg holster.

  25. avatar Brett Baker says:

    Santa’s originally from Anatolia, so a G3, duh.

  26. avatar ironicatbest says:

    A Ghost gun, for an imaginary man. Or a Super Soaker , cause that ought to frost his balls. But in reality all Santa really needs is a fully charged cell phone, with speed dial 9-1-1. Support your Local Law Enforcement… NLM

  27. avatar LHW says:

    If things get rough, he can draw down on them with a nerf gun.

  28. avatar Ansel Hazen says:

    If Santa shows up toting an AK instead of an AR he’s gonna get taken out at my house.

  29. avatar adverse5 says:

    Santa needs a firearm?

  30. avatar Daily Beatings says:

    Santa prefers an AK, it was not a good day:

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