DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C., April 1, 2011 – President Barack Obama has joined the NRA. In a carefully-worded statement that will be released to the mainstream media later today, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney stated that the President is now a Life Member in good standing of the National Rifle Association. “The President has always supported Americans’ right to keep and bear arms,” Carney said. “While there are have been significant policy differences between the Obama administration and the NRA, the President sees this move as a reflection of his desire to seek consensus on a controversial issue for the benefit of all Americans.” Carney also said his boss would also be joining The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the National Shooting Sports Foundation, PETA and the Sierra Club. When asked for a statement on this stunning turn of events, NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre said . . .
“The President has been somewhat at odds with the goals of the NRA, specifically that all citizens should be free to exercise their God-given, Second Amendment rights to gun ownership and self-defense.” LaPierre continued, “At the same time, the President has refused to heed calls for a renewal of the so-called assault weapons ban, signed legislation that allows Americans to carry guns in out national parks and on Amtrak trains, provided they give Amtrak two day’s notice and store the guns locked and unloaded in the baggage compartment.”
Chris Cox, head of the NRA’s Washington lobbying organization was unwilling to be quoted on the record on this stunning development. Under the Freedom of Information Act, TTAG has obtained transcripts of some of the meetings between the NRA and the White House that shed light on a decision that some would say is the seventh sign of the approaching apocalypse, or at the very least, proof positive that Hell has frozen over.
The transcripts suggest that the change in the President’s position began at the so-called “Beer Summit” where Obama interjected himself in a dispute between a black college professor and a white police officer. After reviewing outtakes from the press pool, the NRA noticed that the President doesn’t, as the saying goes, hold his liquor very well. This knowledge opened up a new direction for a strategic gambit that became known within the NRA’s political action committee as “Operation Down-Low.”
Operation Down-Low began over a friendly game of Horse at the White House, between members of the Fox News White House detail, the Secret Service and the President. After several beers and bumps, the President was encouraged to consider the option to offer an olive branch to the right and join the NRA. The following morning, it was made clear to the President that he had indeed bet Fox News correspondent Wendell Goler that if he lost, he would join the NRA.
Goler won the game by three points. While the President strongly protested, NRA negotiators pointed out that there was video of both the bet and the game itself, and that the President would lose his core constituency of black voters if word got out that he not only welched on a bet, but did so with a fellow homeboy.
NRA-ILA head Chris Cox was willing to comment on the rumor that Mike Huckabee had been asked to step aside as keynote speaker for the NRA Annual Convention’s Celebration of American Values Freedom Experience in favor of the President. “While we would love to have a sitting President speak at the conference, it’s simply too big a security risk,” Cox stated. “We have a strict policy of no guns at the Convention, the Exhibits, and the keynotes, we explained to the President’s security detail that NRA members are not our concern here.”
He continued, “Every serial killer and assassin in the United States over the last 100 years has been a far-Left loon. While we have faith in our own membership and fully realize they are law-abiding, gun-owning citizens, we simply can’t be responsible for what might happen, should some Leftie wing-nut decide to take a pop at the President during the keynote. Even though we and our members would be innocent, all parties acknowledged that the mainstream media would crucify us, and not let little things like facts get in the way of their story.”
Cox concluded, “We told the President that we would not invite him, because as much as we’ve disagreed with him in the past, none of us want to see him dead. Plus, the thought of “President Biden” scares the ever-lovin’ crap out of us.”
The President plans to address the nation on his membership later this evening. While he will be a member, the NRA spokesperson we contacted told us we should expect no change in White House policy regarding guns. “Just because he’s a member of an organization, doesnt’ mean he’s one of us,” stated an NRA spokesperson on condition of anonymity. “Look at it this way…he’s so busy playing ‘community organizer’ for Libya, we don’t think he’ll have the bandwith to screw around with the 2nd Amendment now, but if he does, we’re ready for him.”