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“Capitol Police were not amused by tweets and an article written by the satirical newspaper The Onion falsely reporting that members of Congress had taken a group of schoolchildren hostage,” the AP reports. Falsely? I think the word is “imaginatively.” Here’s The Onion article’s lede: “Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.” Obviously, it was a joke. Given America’s unfunded entitlement programs, they’d demand WAY more than that. Anyway, it’s The Onion’s masterful use of Tweets that really got the Cap cops’ knickers in a twist . . .

“It has come to our attention that recent twitter feeds are reporting false information concerning current conditions at the U.S. Capitol,” Capitol Police spokeswoman Sgt. Kimberly Schneider said in a statement.

False? Funny! The Onion Tweeted again and again, upping the LOL count as it went. The Prez appears on the steps of Capitol Hill with a bullhorn in his hand (he was cool he was calm he was always in command): “Obama: I know this Congress well. Trust me, they will kill these kids.”

Unfortunately, the Powers That Be yanked The Onion’s chain. The Tweets stopped eighteen hours ago with “UPDATE: Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress.” Either that or it was the perfect Sopranos’-like moment with which to end a terrific prank—that revealed the level of situational awareness possessed our elected reps’ guardians.

On a related note, no wonder some Reps pack heat.

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  1. Lulz. I lived in D.C. this summer, and it doesn’t surprise me those cops took it seriously. They are all the sorriest looking bunch of cops I have ever seen, but some of them had some sweet looking ARs if you were close enough to the Hill.


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