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I swear, sometimes these stories just write themselves, with news falling like manna from Heaven. THIS is one of those stories. According to, Law enforcement officials in Hudspeth County, Texas have sworn-in actor/martial artiste/musician extraordinaire/acclaimed egomaniac/accused wife, girlfriend & female staff-beater/professional asshole Steven Segal as a deputy sheriff. According to the San Antonio Express, he will “help to control the U.S.-Mexico border. Honestly, I don’t know where to begin…

The paper noted that Segal initiated the idea several months ago. They go on to claim that Segal is not doing this to seek fame or publicity. (Um…yeah. Of course not.) He lives in the area and feels it’s his civic duty or something like that.

This is not Segal’s first brush with being deputized. As faithful members of the TTAG Armed Intelligentsia will recall, Segal recently starred in the A&E (sur)reality show, Steven Segal: Lawman, where he was a reserve deputy in Jefferson Parish, LA. Those of you who were paying attention may remember that A&E abruptly put said show on hiatus, after a former model claimed that the Man Who Is A Legend In His Own Mind put the “ass” in “personal assistant,” allegedly attempting to use her as a “sex toy,” and the Jefferson Parish sheriff pulled out. (Get your minds out of the gutter. The sheriff terminated his willingness to participate in Segal’s circus. Better?)

Gee, I dunno, Sensei Steve, if you genuinely wanted to serve and protect without drawing attention to yourself, there are several ways to do this. Like, um…not issuing a press release. Or perhaps working undercover. Or using an assumed name. Hell, grow some facial hair, perhaps.

Still I can’t help but wonder what would happen if Mr. Under Siege met up with some Sinaloas or Los Zetas carrying some of their ATF-supplied weapons of choice. It reminds me, for some reason, of that hypothetical question beloved by nerd and geeks everywhere: What would happen if the Death Star, with its planet-sized weapons and Dark Sith Lord ninja skills were to encounter the Borg Mothership, with its ‘assimilate or die’ skills? Would the bullets simply bounce off Segal’s manly chest? Would he bitch slap the bastards with his manly ponytail before ripping their hearts out with his bare hands and showing them their own organs, still beating? Or would they just air condition his sorry ass and help him assume the same posture in real life that his career has already achieved?

Stay tuned. I can’t wait to see how the final reel of this one comes out.


UPDATE: Sources report that Segal’s show may live again in the Spring (just as soon as the find a sheriff willing to become a media whore for Segal, I suspect), which brings into question the whole “Segal won’t be filming any of his work as a deputy in Hudspeth County Texas. I’d keep my money in my pocket on that one.

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  1. I would pay to see how he reacts with his ex wife crossing the border in the back of a pickup with a member of the Zetas. Now that is must-see tv

  2. he will never be in harms way…we know that ….if he was he would sh*t himself 1st shot wizzing over his head

  3. I guess he had to move somewhere after the Jefferson Parish fiasco. Why not Tejas? Maybe he’ll join forces with Chuck Norris; that would be kind of like the Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls joining forces to defeat the NY Yankees.

  4. A&E abruptly canceled said show

    A&E did not cancel the show abruptly or because of the lawsuit. The Sheriff of Jefferson Parrish suspended the show abruptly in April, 2010, due to the lawsuit. The Sheriff also said there would be no criminal investigation unless a criminal complaint was filed. In fact, no criminal complaint was ever filed. Why? Maybe because filing a false criminal complaint is a crime.

    There is no “sealed settlement” in this case. The lawsuit was simply dropped in July, 2010. It was (IMO) an extremely transparent extortion scam by a pissed-off former chippy. After the suit was dropped, A&E announced that it would resume shooting the show in October, 2010. All in all, the show ran for two seasons and 34 episodes.

    Stevie-boy may be an unmitigated a$$hole, but facts are still facts.

  5. Have met the man (more than once). Nothing to write home about. As producers of NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” once stated on the air during a comedy skit with Nick Cage: “Steven Seagal was their worst guest host ever” …. And so it goes :-/)

  6. This is stupid. A press release for someone who wants to be a LEO. As you said, there’s a million ways to do it that don’t involve publicity but that wouldn’t be Steven Segal now would it?

  7. Somehow I can’t get over the image of little Stevie Segal playing in Brooklyn as a kid. Wonder how he moved from a Jewish synagogue to a Buddhist temple yet retained the violent persona?

  8. Just what they need some who does speak spanish arresting people who do not speak english. He can fight way out gun fight they have had over here with hollowwood fight style . We just had Stevie Segal in Arizona fight crime dress up like gay swat cop with whole swat team break up ckicken fighting ring. It was joke he did do any thing but stand round with thumb up butt well real cops did there job.

  9. To the best of my knowledge Steven Segal at one time was martial arts bad ass at least in his training and not so good an actor just like Chuck Norris I have seen a couple videos of SS shooting a 1911 and usually a Tussey Don’t care if SS or CN are 102 years old, might have a enough bad ass left to kick my ass One good hit and game over

  10. He’s not the first person to screw up and he paid for his mistakes. I’ve always liked he movies and even though he’s not the greatest actor, he did make some pretty good action flicks

    • Above The Law is actually a good flick. The rest? Not so much. But at least most of them are tongue-in-cheek.

  11. Be interesting to see what happens when Segal meets some REAL Zetas who want his head.

    Bet it never happens.

    • Perhaps he’s banking on the “Jewel of the Nile” scenario, where when the South American cartel guys realize that Joan Wilder is THE Joan Wilder, they give her the red carpet treatment, instead of fitting her for a Columbian necktie.

      Hope “red” is a good color for him. “Red” is the new “black,” when it comes to neckties as gifts from cartel members.

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