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Just kidding. But it could happen. And would if a British theater critic had his way. “Like many a victim of hand-held weaponry before me, I put my hands up: I am scared of gunfire in the theatre,” someone-or-other blogs at “Being shot, to my mind, could scarcely be more painful . . . If you’re cursed with my phobia, it can compromise your evening . . .

Screeds of dialogue have passed me by over the years, as I’ve sat with fingers in lugs, anticipating gunfire. That’s not irrational. If there’s a gun being toted in one’s vicinity, one seldom focuses elsewhere. And to be nervous of guns is a survival instinct, right? Just ask the actor David Birrell, accidentally shot in the eye with a fake pistol during a performance last year of Sondheim’s Passion at the Donmar. Guns – even stage ones – are dangerous things.

True ‘dat. Stage guns took out thespian Brandon Lee and some hunky guy that gays loved who wasn’t gay but was ballistically challenged (not a lot of people know that). But then, some of the plays I’ve seen at the New Vic were also dangerous, in the sense that one can OD on PC twaddle. Simply remarking . . .

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  1. I’m scared of puppies .. ban them! To hell with other people, it’s all about ME!! (that seems to be what I’m reading there…)

  2. So this UK guy must be scared to death of cops…

    well then again, the bobbies are not armed, I wouldn’t be totally surprised.

  3. “Screeds of dialogue have passed me by over the years, as I’ve sat with fingers in lugs, anticipating gunfire. That’s not irrational.”

    Right there is his problem. He needs someone in his life who’s willing to point out that that is irrational, highly so in fact.

  4. Robert, that’s entirely unnecessary. No explanations or background stories are needed; all you had to post was “UK”, and that would have been sufficient. Just a helpful tip to help you save time in the future.

  5. I hope this paternalist shit doesn’t spread to the British film industry, but if it does Simon Pegg and Guy Ritchie will have to move here to make their movies. Ironically, they’ll probably move to New York or California, like most show-biz types who make their money making movies full of guns and make-believe violence.

  6. As a child, I was hit with a stick. I am now afraid of sticks, and demand that all sticks, canes, baseball bats, billy clubs, and representations thereof, be banned from television, theater, and the Internet. Also the radio, I don’t even want to hear about sticks.

    Furthermore, I demand that all the forests be burned down to prevent criminals from acquiring wholesale quantities of sticks, and that the growth of trees, bushes and/or shrubs be restricted to government personnel.


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