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According to court records reported by

Police were dispatched about 9:40 a.m. for the report of a man shooting a gun inside of his home. When officers arrived, they found [Nathan A.] Matthias standing next to the house holding a shotgun. The officers ordered the man to put the gun on the ground.

Matthias told police that two small clowns were inside of his house running around and that he had shot at them. The house was searched, and no one was found inside Matthias’ second-floor apartment. A resident was in the first-floor apartment when Matthias discharged his weapon but was unharmed.

Police noticed that Matthias’ eyes were bloodshot and asked him if he had been drinking. Matthias told investigators that he had been drinking the previous night and had yet to go to bed. A bottle of vodka was found in his pocket.

While being questioned outside, Matthias pointed next door and said he still saw clowns on the neighbor’s roof. No clowns were observed.

Matthias was arraigned before District Judge Kim L. Bagenstose, who set his bail at $10,000. He was taken to Berks County Prison.

First, no clowns were hurt in the production of this post. Second, mental illness is a thing. Third, alcoholism is a thing. And lastly, what shotgun for small, multiple, perhaps rooftop dwelling clowns?

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  1. “And lastly, what shotgun for small, multiple, perhaps rooftop dwelling clowns?”

    Browning Auto 5 using 00 buckshot. If you miss the clowns, you’ll at least have some impressive new ventilation holes in your stuffy apartment.

  2. The proper load for Tiny Clowns? It’s obvious! Aguila Minishells of course!

    Bonus points if you load them with streamers & glitter!!

  3. I prefer to shoot at imaginary miniature clowns with my imaginary Browning Citori. For real miniature clowns I’d use my real 870.

  4. 45 ACP shot shells of course, who doesn’t hunt small clowns these days? Just this passed weekend I limited out in about 30 minutes.

    • We have lots of clowns in Florida, but I can’t find the bag limit on the Fish & Game website. Of course, didn’t look under Nuisance Wildlife… };>)}

    • I recognize those stats from my teenage war gamer days!!!
      The USS New Jersey was really appreciated by Vietnam vets during its 1968 deployment.

  5. When a friend of mine had his home assaulted by small, green aliens, he responded with a 7mm Magnum. The neighbors and Police were not impressed. (True Story.)

    LSD bubble popped.

  6. Just because you are drunk, mentally ill, and have no sleep for at 24 hours, does NOT mean there are not small clowns running around your house.

  7. If’n yore a-shootin’ in Washignorint DC, there ain’t ‘nuf amanishuns in the world t’ shoot all the clowns, so it don’t mater

  8. The same thing I’d use on any other size clown: 10-gauge, 000 buckshot loads. One full magazine emptied into clown, followed by a reload and a second magazine emptied into clown, then burning the clown to slow its movements enough to safely come within its biting distance. I’d then dismember it with an ax made of consecrated silver, wrapping each piece in pages of holy scripture to prevent them from reassembling, and finally bury the remains in a locked, lead-lined tomb, etched with a containment sigil.

    It’s the only way to be sure.

  9. You guys are approaching this from the wrong angle.

    Problem. Clown infestation.

    Solution. Tent the building and gas em.

    Clowns under the big top, gagging and choking to death.


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