Question of the Day: What Shotgun For Miniature Clowns?

According to court records reported by

Police were dispatched about 9:40 a.m. for the report of a man shooting a gun inside of his home. When officers arrived, they found [Nathan A.] Matthias standing next to the house holding a shotgun. The officers ordered the man to put the gun on the ground.

Matthias told police that two small clowns were inside of his house running around and that he had shot at them. The house was searched, and no one was found inside Matthias’ second-floor apartment. A resident was in the first-floor apartment when Matthias discharged his weapon but was unharmed.

Police noticed that Matthias’ eyes were bloodshot and asked him if he had been drinking. Matthias told investigators that he had been drinking the previous night and had yet to go to bed. A bottle of vodka was found in his pocket.

While being questioned outside, Matthias pointed next door and said he still saw clowns on the neighbor’s roof. No clowns were observed.

Matthias was arraigned before District Judge Kim L. Bagenstose, who set his bail at $10,000. He was taken to Berks County Prison.

First, no clowns were hurt in the production of this post. Second, mental illness is a thing. Third, alcoholism is a thing. And lastly, what shotgun for small, multiple, perhaps rooftop dwelling clowns?


  1. avatar Ralph says:

    What shotgun for small, multiple, perhaps rooftop dwelling clowns?

    Serbu Super Shorty.

    1. avatar Joe R. says:

      With Aguila Mini Shotshells

      ; )

      PLUS ! Change your Mozambique Drill to single-tap (there could be 100 of ’em in that car man). Unless they are Juggalos !

      : )

  2. avatar rc says:

    “And lastly, what shotgun for small, multiple, perhaps rooftop dwelling clowns?”

    Browning Auto 5 using 00 buckshot. If you miss the clowns, you’ll at least have some impressive new ventilation holes in your stuffy apartment.

  3. avatar Vhyrus says:

    Tiny clowns? I think Bloomberg has his own security detail, doesn’t he?

    1. avatar Andrew Lias says:

      You may be thinking of tiny dancer and yes.

  4. avatar JebTN says:

    .410 with 2 1/2″ shells only. If they are real small .22 with bird shot

    1. avatar Andrew Lias says:

      Tried it once the clown’s just hissed at me angerly.

      1. avatar William says:

        I swear to God, when I read this post the hair on my arms stood up.

      2. avatar soccerchainsaw says:

        Sorry, I just can’t help it….


  5. avatar anonymoose says:

    Browning Gold 10 gauge. Go big or go home.

  6. avatar A Brit in TX says:

    The proper load for Tiny Clowns? It’s obvious! Aguila Minishells of course!

    Bonus points if you load them with streamers & glitter!!

    1. avatar Ironhead says:

      You win today!!!!

    2. avatar Brian says:

      Load the Aguilas in a KelTec KSG, which takes 14+1 in regular shells. Have you ever seen how many clowns can fit in a Mini Cooper?

      1. avatar Brian says:

        Because a cream pie to the face is no joke…

  7. avatar Josey Wales says:

    I prefer to shoot at imaginary miniature clowns with my imaginary Browning Citori. For real miniature clowns I’d use my real 870.

  8. avatar Gman says:

    How miniature? Are these Tinkerbelle sized? If so, then why not .22 shot?

  9. avatar Alex Waits says:

    45 ACP shot shells of course, who doesn’t hunt small clowns these days? Just this passed weekend I limited out in about 30 minutes.

    1. avatar Brian says:

      We have lots of clowns in Florida, but I can’t find the bag limit on the Fish & Game website. Of course, didn’t look under Nuisance Wildlife… };>)}

  10. avatar William says:

    A battery of 16″/50 caliber Mark 7 guns firing Mark 23 projectiles.

    1. avatar Chris T from KY says:

      I recognize those stats from my teenage war gamer days!!!
      The USS New Jersey was really appreciated by Vietnam vets during its 1968 deployment.

  11. avatar No one of consequence says:

    Clearly one of these:

  12. avatar OngoingFreedom says:

    Taurus Judge with 410 shells, since that gun’s a joke anyway for self defense.

  13. avatar Curtis in IL says:

    Mossberg 930 with Dragons Breath shells.

    Clown suits are polyester. They’ll go up in flames.

    1. I’m pretty sure OSHA stepped in after the 25 clowns stuffed in the Pinto tragedy of 1981. Clown suits since then have all been flame retardant.

  14. avatar J says:

    When a friend of mine had his home assaulted by small, green aliens, he responded with a 7mm Magnum. The neighbors and Police were not impressed. (True Story.)

    LSD bubble popped.

  15. avatar JDC says:

    Just because you are drunk, mentally ill, and have no sleep for at 24 hours, does NOT mean there are not small clowns running around your house.

    1. avatar Vhyrus says:

      That’s what I tried to tell them, but apparently one false alarm and YOU’RE the asshole.

      1. avatar Geoff PR: says:

        “Clowns – The other white meat…”

      2. avatar matty 9 says:


    2. avatar neiowa says:

      My other house is at 1600 Penn Ave and there most certainly are a BUNCH of clowns running around there. Russians/Putin did it.

  16. avatar Southern Cross says:

    Punt gun.

    Nothing like overkill!

  17. Why double barreled like Slow Joe Biden recommends!

    1. avatar Jon in CO says:

      Despite my better judgement, my first instinct was a coach gun.

  18. avatar gsteele531 says:

    If’n yore a-shootin’ in Washignorint DC, there ain’t ‘nuf amanishuns in the world t’ shoot all the clowns, so it don’t mater

  19. avatar Geoff PR: says:

    That .410 called “Snake Charmer’:

  20. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

    i should think a .9mm would suffice.

  21. avatar Lucas D. says:

    The same thing I’d use on any other size clown: 10-gauge, 000 buckshot loads. One full magazine emptied into clown, followed by a reload and a second magazine emptied into clown, then burning the clown to slow its movements enough to safely come within its biting distance. I’d then dismember it with an ax made of consecrated silver, wrapping each piece in pages of holy scripture to prevent them from reassembling, and finally bury the remains in a locked, lead-lined tomb, etched with a containment sigil.

    It’s the only way to be sure.

  22. avatar gargoil says:

    winchester liberator

  23. avatar strych9 says:

    Fatman Launcher.

  24. avatar jwm says:

    You guys are approaching this from the wrong angle.

    Problem. Clown infestation.

    Solution. Tent the building and gas em.

    Clowns under the big top, gagging and choking to death.

  25. avatar Gregolas says:

    “When Munchkins go bad….”

  26. avatar LHW says:

    A short one.

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