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Did your dad build a bomb shelter under your house back in the fifties? Are you old enough to have been scared into fits of apoplexy when Sputnik went up? Did Miss Landers show you those happy, helpful Duck and Cover government-produced shorts showing how to survive a nuclear attack? Well you may want to dust off those emergency plans and make sure you’re fully stocked with plenty of diapers and Doritos cause it looks like the Russkies have leapfrogged us again, dammit, and developed the next generation of doomsday weapons . . .

The Chicken Littles at have all the frightening details:

Mind-bending ‘psychotronic’ guns that can effectively turn people into zombies have been given the go-ahead by Russian president Vladimir Putin.

The futuristic weapons – which will attack the central nervous system of their victims – are being developed by the country’s scientists.

They could be used against Russia’s enemies and, perhaps, its own dissidents by the end of the decade.

Oh, the humanity! Is there no limit to the depravity of Evil Empire 2.0’s mad geniuses? It sounds like they’ve managed to come up with some kind of horrible death ray or something, too.

High doses of microwaves can damage the functioning of internal organs, control behaviour or even drive victims to suicide. Anatoly Tsyganok, head of the Military Forecasting Centre in Moscow, said: ‘This is a highly serious weapon.

‘When it was used for dispersing a crowd and it was focused on a man, his body temperature went up immediately as if he was thrown into a hot frying pan. Still, we know very little about this weapon and even special forces guys can hardly cope with it.’

Even Russia’s Maximum Leader, Vlad the Irradiator, is getting in on the act, openly touting his country’s dominance in the development of these new and horrifying weapons.

Sources in Moscow say Mr Putin has described the guns, which use electromagnetic radiation like that found in microwave ovens, as ‘entirely new instruments for achieving political and strategic goals’.

Mr Putin added: ‘Such high-tech weapons systems will be comparable in effect to nuclear weapons, but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.’

Of course, we’re probably not totally outgunned. Heck, we’ve had weapons that attack the central nervous system for decades. They’re commonly known as Tasers.

As for the microwave rays, the late Orville Redenbacher long ago managed to harness their awesome power and used it to amass an untold fortune.

Still, Americans won’t sleep quite as well tonight knowing the red menace is once again on the march. If the prospect of four more years wasn’t already enough to clear the shelves of guns and ammo, this ought to do it.

[h/t Tyler Kee]

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  1. What is truely terrorfiying is the fact that these new “weapons” had to be tested on animals first, then humans to perfect their results to the point that they are ready for a mass-production run of the things.

    It makes me shudder to think of all the pain, suffering, and death, that went into the R&D of this thing. It also closely resembles our own gubbermints work on “non-leathal crowd control” or “area denial” research.

    The US gubbermint assures everyone that “their” research is into non-leathal, but how hard can it be to steal or copy someone else’s “leathal” versions?

    Good luck OWS crowds this summer!!!

    • Yes Derek, we already have the “non-leathal” versions of the exact same thing.

      The only fly in the ointment is that the US gubbermint swears that these weapons cannot be set to kill you.

      So now we are left to wonder if a $7 an hour TSA goon at a console just wants to watch you “squirm” on the ground as he increases the power of his unit for his own personel entertainment and cook you to death in public can really happen or not?

      Nope, just like always it’s up to you to protect yourself when TSHTF.
      Now you will have 2 reasons to keep rolls of tinfoil on you at all times when out in publci!

  2. The dude in the picture posted above looks like he is really for Burning Man…. wonder if he actually got a ticket this year?!?

  3. So Ole’ VladPuttin(annie) has been watching the Military Channel again?
    I bet it will be a month before the experts mock up an array on a rusky tiger?

    “Мы используем только самые лучшие инженеры, мы воруем у американцев”

  4. Do you have to spin around in a circle while being shot with one of these weapons for it to cook you evenly?

  5. Same group who tried to bring you the human/gorilla hybrid soldier, the robot with the attack dog brain, the attack dog robot with a human brain, the list goes on. Odds of successful deployment? -0-

    • #1 as usual.

      Funny, in that out of all the politicians Pelosi is most often the one I see depicted as a zombie.

  6. The micro-rayguns that America has had for years (and tested) can probably be set or re-adjusted to kill. OK, maybe it is technically true (currently) they can’t kill the average person yet what about the ill, old, etc? Either way, even if the soldiers in the field do not yet have a ‘kill’ button to push on the rayguns, it is probably not much more than a re-adjustment or a swapping out of a feature to make the weapon lethal. BTW, does anyone not believe the USG has Neutron bombs hidden somewhere?

    • Just a firmware upgrade away from death…and yes on the neutron Bombs.
      “Solider, Take that ray gun down to the armory and have it flashed to a death ray.”

  7. Darn it.. Someone change the laws in CA!!! I need my AR-15 for the zombie apocalypse which I know is coming!!!

  8. Did your dad build a bomb shelter under your house back in the fifties?

    Dad painted a bullseye on the roof. I wonder if he was trying to tell us something.

  9. It sounds lIke that microwave crowd control ray thing that was on future weapons. You point it at a guy and the microwaves cause the water molecules in the skin to start moving rapidly, creating heat and an extremely uncomfortable sensation.

    You know what’s even more uncomfortable to stand in from of? A bullet.

    The only “mind control you can gain from microwaves is to change a dude thoughts from “hey look my shoe is untied I better just tie that right u….” to “OH HOLY SHIT THAT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD AT ALL, IM FUCKIN OUTA HERE!”

    Congratulations Russia. It looks like you’ll be able to stop me from tying my shoe as soon as 2020.

  10. wow to be honest I’m not surprised, everynight I watch CNN piers morgan/Anderson coopa just to get an idea of exactly how the world is going. Turns out the gubbermint is more twisted than lucifer or are they the same, all I know is if they fuck up and start the extinction of humanity Ill be ready.
    And to say that it is a weapon is just poo, frying someones intestines and organs is just sick, whats wrong with a bullet or beany bag both get the job done right?


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