At TTAG, we really don’t care who likes or doesn’t like guns. Not our problem. And celebrity gossip is not our thing. The ONLY reason (and I mean the only reason) we find this newsworthy is that La Lohan has made our Irresponsible Gun Owner of the Day feature (twice!), only to subsequently deny, deny, deny that she’s ever owned a gun in the past all the way up to today. From that point of view, this becomes (to paraphrase Elaine on Seinfeld) “TTAG-worthy.” Just so’s you’ll know, we don’t relish getting down in the mud on this one, and for those of you who are afraid TTAG is going the way of Yellow Journalism and Tabloid trash, fear not. With that out of the way, we came by a tip that the starlet voted Most Likely to Trash Herself and Her Career Faster Than You Can Say “Dana Plato” is telling one whopper of a fib when she claimed she and guns don’t mix . . .
It comes as no surprise from where we sit, that ol’ Lins might be prone to tell a whopper or six. It’s not like she hasn’t done that before. A bunch. And she did tell Vanity Fair in Italy that she was a gun owner, only to deny it stateside later on. And then there’s the whole “on probation” thing, which usually precludes associating oneself with guns. And let’s not forget, she’s attempted suicide multiple times, has multiple DUIs, that whole “stealing jewelry” thing, and countless other stories that would suggest her personality is every bit as stable as nitro-glycerin on a glass tabletop, in the noonday sun, on a hot July day, in the middle of an overpass in downtown LA, durring a seismological event characterized as a major tectonic realignment in the San Andreas fault at about 7.9 on the Richter Scale. But the Lindsanator has a long, weird love/hate thang going with guns, as in here, and here, and here.
Our source reports that Lindsay does indeed own at least one gun. And she apparently likes to get it out and play with it. During sex.
(The details of the tryst can be left to your puerile imaginations, suffice it to say that Lohan’s sex toy du jour has a great deal more respect for firearms than does Her Kinkiness, and disarmed the lass, checked the weapon to make sure it was unloaded, and put it away.) Our sources (plural) are convincing, credible, and we’ll stand behind the story – and our journalistic right to protect our sources.
Lindsay Lohan is the poster child for Why Some People Shouldn’t Own Guns. Unfortunately, she’s also a shining testament to a couple of other truisms, namely that there is not a law either on the books or yet to be written that could effectively stop someone like Lohan from owning or having a gun. None. As Ron White opined, you can’t fix ‘stupid.’ I’d like to offer up a corollary to that one, you can’t fix ‘stubborn,’ or ‘spoiled-rotten,’ nor can you legislate common sense.’ (I know that’s not as catchy as Ron White’s thing. I’m working on it.)
Saving Lohan from herself at this point in her sad, twisted devolution would be a crap-shoot at best, a fool’s errand at worst. She seems completely devoted to but one thing, and that is her own self-destruction. If she doesn’t accomplish that by a gun, she will surely do it by drugs, alcohol, reckless driving, or one of a hundred other ways that someone can live fast, die young, and leave a corpse – one that is increasingly looking as if it was rode hard and hung up wet to dry.
About the best thing I can think of to save Lohan’s life would be throw her freckled ass in jail, preferably in solitary, where’d she’d have time to dry out, straighten up, and work through some of her demons. But the rich and famous are different than you and I (for those of you who count yourselves as TTAG literary critics, let me save you some effort – that’s an allusion to a famous misquote between Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald), for they have not only money, but a coterie of sycophants and hangers-on who are all too willing to cater to their every whim.
When all you interact with are Yes-men and people afraid to cross words with you for fear of their livelihoods, you create a sort of self-indulgent, closed-loop system designed from the get-go to screw you up.
Of further interest to the TTAG Armed Intelligentsia, why does La Lohan find it okay to tell the Italian press one thing, and take a 180º turn here in the heartland? Was she lying there, or here? (I’m thinkin’ here, having read the evidence.) Even more pertinent, why is it okay for Hollywood types to have a double (or triple) standard? Why is it okay for someone like Lohan to appear in a movie that glorifies guns and violence (generally in an inaccurate, sensationalized, visceral, cartoonish way), make public statements abhorring guns and violence to the point of making denials about owning a gun, and then actually DOES own a gun, and violates every gun safety rule on the books in the privacy of her own home. What’s up with that?
So, does Little Ms. Trainwreck own a gun? I’m going with “Yes.” Should she own one? I think the sane answer to that is “HELL to the NO.” Should she just keep her piehole shut about guns in general? That would be a great big YEP, if you ask me. And lastly, is there anything that the law can do to effectively stop someone like Lohan from being around guns and endangering the lives of herself and others? Nope. Not a damn thing.