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According to, Charlie Sheen’s been riffing on his negligent discharge with then wife Kelly Preston (a.k.a., Kelly Kamalelehua Palzis). “I thought she was still asleep upstairs. And I heard a f**king gunshot go off. I thought, ‘She did it, she finally f**king did it. She killed herself and they’re going to f**king blame me.’ I come around the corner and there’s naked Kelly Preston at the top of the stairs, holding her wrist, staring at me, covered in blood … and I thought, that’s pretty f**king hot … I didn’t, I didn’t.” Before I read this I thought the Warlock’s porn habit and choice of sexual partners was No Biggie (so to speak). But that’s sick. Not to mention the fact that Chuck’s explanation for the ND remains completely ridiculous. To wit . . .

Charlie claims Kelly – who is now married to John Travolta – had picked up a pair of trousers which he’d left on the floor, causing a small gun [ED: .22 caliber, not necessarily physically small] he had in the pocket to fire.

The bullet then hit the toilet before either shrapnel or a piece of porcelain from the toilet ricocheted and struck Kelly’s arm and, to this day, Charlie is still amazed by the incident.

Speaking during his ‘My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option’ live comedy show in Vancouver, Canada, he said:

“The oddest moment … when I picked up the phone, I looked at the phone, completely perplexed, and I didn’t know whether to call 911 [emergency] or 411 [information]. But for years people thought there was always this conversation, this discussion about the time I tried to kill Kelly Preston.”

A certain gentlemen—well, politician—in Rhode Island claimed he fired a revolver in his pocket by accident, at 2am, outside his nightclub, while reaching for his keys. That story has a shred; a teeny tiny little shred of credibility.

Unless we’re talking about a Derringer, and maybe even then, the idea that Charlie Sheen’s pants-holstered .22 discharged from the mere act of picking up said trousers is fantastic. Nor can I get my head ’round the concept of Kelly Preston picking up anything for herself. Not takeaway Sushi, not a dropped pencil and definitely not Charlie Sheen’s pants.

Since this ND, the police have relieved Mr. Sheen of his [remaining] weaponry. The lesson we can learn from our IGOTD? Stay away from crazy people. No really. That “wild and crazy guy” you hung out with in high school or college? He’s still wild and crazy. If he’s armed, he’s wild, crazy and dangerous.

De-friend him. Digitally and physically. Do it in as subtle a way as humanly possible. In fact, in this case, honesty is probably not the best policy. [NB: Blaming your future estrangement on your wife’s social tastes works, but it’s not without its dangers.]

Guys like Charlie Sheen are entertaining from afar. Get on their wrong side and you might end up naked at the top of the stairs with a bullet wound with your “friend” laughing at you. Or worse. Sorry, it had to be said.

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  1. RF, I hereby nominate Charlie Sheen for the Irresponsible Gun Owner of the Day Hall of Fame. In fact, his eligibility for future IGOD awards should be revoked. I think we can all agree that it’s not really fair for other morons to be compared to the King of Morons. So give the other goofballs a chance, okay? Fair’s fair.

  2. Guys like Charlie Sheen are entertaining from afar.

    Damn right. He’s my favorite Hollywood creature.

    Q: Why does Charlie Sheen?

    A: 7 gram crack rocks!

    Yes, that gleam in his eye is a diamond formed from highly concentrated crack cocaine.

  3. It could have been a 1970s sterling .22 auto. It was a little striker gun which was cheap as hell and very popular, and if neglected/in disrepair has been known to drop fire.



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