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I read that you’re casting Top Shot Season Four. Wow! It seems like just yesterday that, uh, someone won Season One. Just like what’s his/her name who won Season Two. Is Season Three over yet? I know you’re done filming, but does the general public know who shot JR? That is the last elimination challenge right? See what I did there? Excuse me for stating the obvious, but Top Shot needs a bit of ballistic shtick. I’m not saying the program is po-faced, but you guys make a heart attack seem like an all-expenses-paid weekend at the Bellagio. Would it kill you to have a top shot who knows how to take a cheap shot? Thinking out loud here . . .

If I win Season Four, does that mean that the previous three top shots are no longer the top top shot? It’s like Miss America, right? I know it’s presumptuous of me, but I’m worried about the “transfer of power” aspect of winning the competition. The last thing I want to see milling around my house at 2am is some F-list reality “star” who’s handy with a gun—with a gun.

Oh what the hell. I’m emailing to apply for a chance to compete with your host’s iridescent white teeth. I mean, 15 other people who know how to shoot straight and act like bitchy teenagers at a high school dance. Especially as I need the publicity and the competitors’ pictures and bios have a half life of Strontium-90.

I thought the whole point of elimination was, wait for it, elimination. And yet the promotional mug shots only disappear from your website once the season concludes. Every week, the show’s intro hypes competitors who are so long gone some of them no longer remember when or even if they were on the program.

As for my shooting ability, I’m great with throwing knives and wikkid pissa with a tomahawk (as we Rhode Island natives say). As for actual shooting with an actual gun, I’m way better than that balding golf pro who thinks that the cup and saucer grip is as cool as plaid golf pants. Which it almost is. I haven’t had one negligent discharge since that blond girl in Israel back in the late 80s. I swear.

I suppose I should mention that I run a website called The Truth About Guns. If I get the old heave-ho in round one I’ll have to change it to The Truth About The Guy Who Founded The Truth About Guns But Can’t Hit Shit with a Gun. Dot com. Damn! That url’s already taken. The point being: I can add at least 160,000 uniques to your viewership total, raising your ad rates by the cost of a bus ticket to “the house.” If not, I have some credit left on my card. I think.

I can shoot any number of firearms, from a revolver to a .50 caliber sniper rifle, and many at the same time. (Hope I’m not giving away any of your upcoming competitions!) More to the point, I know how to sit still with a bunch of young buff guys pretending to listen to instructions without looking like a chickenhawk.

I’m good under pressure, like when my wife says she’s forgotten something upstairs for the fifth god damn time and we’re already thirty friggin’ minutes late and I will myself to stop thinking about the Benelli M2 in the gun safe. Just kidding. It’s an FN-SCAR. Kidding! See? I did it again.

I’ve included a Top Shot audition video for your consideration. It’s not my audition, but it’s pretty good. I’m not sure I can shoot pieces of paper side-on from 15 feet, ’cause I live in Rhode Island where you have to be strapped to a table like Hannibal Lector at the gun range lest you do something that would A) increase your self-defense shooting abilities and B) increase the range’s liability insurance rates. But I know I can draw a better cow than that. Well could, with practice. And some tracing paper.

In short, I’m a nice Jewish boy from the Ocean State just like Richard Hatch, who won the first season of Survivor then “forgot” to pay his taxes and went to prison and became famous again so they put him on another reality show which he didn’t win because Donald Trump isn’t gay but really likes interior design for some reason just sayin’.

I’m hoping you’re interested in a competitor who can shoot the left testicle off a newt at one-and-a-half paces. Someone who can add a touch of post-modern irony to a show that’s so irony-free it’s not funny (how ironic is that?). Someone who can add personality to the program without sounding like a total loon—unless the script writer decides to go that way. If so, I’m your man.

Just know this: no newts were hurt in the production of this email. Yet. If you want to see your pet amphibian alive again, you know where to find me.

Thank you for contacting the casting department for History Channel’s “Top Shot.”

Casting for season 3 is now closed. However, casting is still ongoing for future seasons of Top Shot.  Producers will be evaluating your submissions.

Thank you,

Casting Department
“Top Shot”
Pilgrim Films & Television

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  1. You’re a shoe in. I can’t imagine a more persuasive case. Better start brushing up on your blow gun and ninja throwing star skills.

  2. I actually applied for Season 2. I got pretty far into the casting process, and then they realized I was another white male competition shooter.

    My audition video was pretty popular on YouTube, right until I took it down. I thought working in some footage of me and a couple other guys in full Soviet WWII BDU leapfrogging through some woods would have made be a shoe-in.

  3. I’m not sure if that show could be anymore boring. That Colby is nothing but a mini-Jeff Probst and his teeth are glaringly white.
    They could spice it up by adding a misanthropic South African merc. A female Israeli commando, a white supremacist, a New Black Panther and you. Then in the third episode you could reveal that you are Jewish. Oh and add a transexual practical shotgunner.
    Instant reality TV gold.

  4. I look forward to watching you shoot rubberbands with three fingers and throw ping-pong balls underhanded into little fishbowls to win a fish and juggle chainsaws and whatever other similar gun-shooting talents they’ll have on next season.

  5. You make it sound like you are to easy to get along with. I am not certain, but I think in most of these shows they look for people that are going to cause drama in “the house” in order to get that soap opera feel for the show.

  6. You get on that show and all the other contestants will be really pissed at you because you’re gonna have a couple hundred thousand folks cheering you on. And they’re… not.

    Fun, fun, fun, fun. See what I did there?

  7. Just what Top Shot needs — another OFWG to spice up the rubberband and paperclip shooting competition. The only thing that might relieve the boredom that is Top Shot would be a 300 meter mano-a-mano sniping competition between Christopher Speight and Lee Boyd Malvo where the loser gets a free burial and the winner moves on to the lethal injection round. Now that I’d watch.

    • I attended the Second Amendment March in DC last year. I walked past a gas station to the nearest Metro station. On the outside of the building, there was old graffiti with the name “Malvo” on it.
      I looked to see if it was one of the gas stations that the “DC Snipers” had targeted people at, but it wasn’t – but the image was still startling and eerie.

  8. Season three challenge one is getting a Chauchat to work after a dip in the mud. If any simulated Germans reach your position you lose but do get to proclaim “If only I had a Lewis gun!”
    Challenge two is twisting a tube on a 2 liter of Diet Coke, dropping in Mentos and then putting a projectile in the tube and firing it downrange before it spews all over you.
    Challenge three is using a claymore mine attached to a shoulder stock to try to take 20 clay pigeons down at once.
    Challenge four is juggling four loaded 18th century style dueling pistols between you and a teammate. At the drop of the hankie you are supposed to turn and fire to your left or right respectively while grabbing the other pistol out of midair, then turning and shooting with your other hand.
    Challenge five is making three pointers on a basket with a wobbly pole. You are not allowed to travel.
    Challenge six is using a M109 self-propelled howitzer. Blowing up your spotter is an automatic fail, as is any of your team members calling it a tank.
    Challenge seven puts you behind the counter of a liquor store in a bad neighborhood. You will have a cheap .38 revolver with five shots and have to take out four assailants in under 10 seconds. Extra points awarded if you get two with one shot or manage to snarl “Go ahead, make my day” convincingly.
    Challenge eight is the most difficult from a precision standpoint; you must hit the primer on a .50 BMG round which is mounted in a barrel pointing at a target downrange.
    Challenge nine requires you to drink four martinis then shoot a Walther PPG at targets that look suspiciously (but not exactly for reasons of copyright) like Bond villains. Hitting not-Blofeld’s cat is a fail.
    Challenge ten is the zombie apocalypse. You will have a .45-70 Sharps carbine and ten rounds for thirty targets. Hitting more than one target with a shot is essential; if any of the moving targets reach the firing line, you are required to drop your carbine and charge the next person shooting while moaning “Br-a-a-a-a-i-i-n-s!”. Your fellow competitor is allowed to butt-stroke you but not shoot you. That’s an automatic elimination.

  9. I can understand picking Adam Ferrara for the role of Jeremy Clarkson (not), but for this you should be a shoe-in…

  10. Top shot Military contestant “Have No Honor”
    A bunch of discriminator, eliminating Jay , by
    always picking him up either he is not Caucasian
    or Military. Espescially if he is not his turn
    to be eliminated.
    Forget watching the show its not for real.
    its just a batch of friends just want to win the
    the money.


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