Man who was ‘captured by UFOs with grey leathery skin and crab claws’ 40 years ago reveals how it changed his life the headline proclaims at dailymail.co.uk. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Why would a UFO have grey leathery skin and crab claws? Wouldn’t that mess-up the craft’s aerodynamics? Then again, you need air for aerodynamics. In the vacuum of space you can turn your space ship into an intergalactic art car without paying much of a penalty in terms of speed. Although there could be interstellar taste police (crab claws are so five billion years ago). Anyway . . .

“one of two men who claim that they encountered an unidentified flying object and its inhabitants 40 years ago on the banks of the Pascagoula River has said that he has never come to terms with the extra-terrestrial encounter.” The other one’s dead. All of which could have been avoided if either man had pushed away from the dinner table.

Tell me you didn’t expect an alien to pop out of Calvin Parker Jr.’s pot belly right there on the porch, even after all these years. Who knows what the incubation time is for a leathery extraterrestrial semi-crustacean? As for Charles Hickson, I imagine he saw a psychologist at some point. Standard alien abduction treatment protocol: exercise, lose some weight, sleep eight hours a night, lay off the booze and step away from the microphone.

But seriously folks. If the co-workers had been packing heat on that fateful night they would have avoided their date with the crab-clawed alien proctologist. The question is, what gun would have sent the strange visitors from another planet packing? Assuming they weren’t crab-clawed Kryptonites. Kryptonians? Kryptons? Yeah, that’s the one.

We’re talking about 1973. So neither man would have had access to as-yet-uninvented handgun currently favored by upmarket illegal aliens: the strangely calibered FN FiveseveN. By the same token, Gaston Glock didn’t design his polymer pistol until 1982. As Calvin and Charles don’t strike me as the 1911 types, they would have had to rely on a revolver. Preferably a .357 magnum. I don’t care what solar system you’re from, that cartridge will blow a hole through you that even Dr. McCoy can’t repair.

Then again, maybe I’ve seen too many alien invasion movies and TV series. Maybe the NASA eggheads who sent a map to Earth out of our solar system are right: aliens have evolved beyond warfare and aggression. Charles Hickson said as much (although he said it after the alien huggers put money in his pocket).

Hickson would go on to appear on talk shows, give lectures and interviews, and self-publish a book in 1983 titled ‘UFO Contact at Pascagoula.’

He reported three more encounters in 1974, and said the aliens communicated to him that they were peaceful.

Hold on. Peaceful? In 1974? That’s the year India detonated their first nuke. Muhammed Ali knocked out George Foreman. Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst dressed-up as Tanya X and shot up a bank. The only alien preaching peace that year was John Lennon and he appeared on stage with Elton John so how culturally relevant is that?

In fact, why would Hickson—or us—believe the aliens’ story? We come in peace! Yeah? Well, you’re gonna leave in pieces! I say shoot them all and let Warrant Officer Ripley sort them out. We didn’t get to the top of the food chain by being nice to saber toothed tigers and, let’s face it, each other. It should have been a defensive gun use. For sure.

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50 COMMENTS

  3. People going around telling stories of being abducted and probed by crab people should probably not have anything more lethal than a nerf gun in their arsenal.

    And since we’re on the subject. How do aliens with crab claws build spaceships to travel the galaxy in? How do crab claws handle wrenches and other tools? How about a computer keyboard?

    At least the aliens in Battleship had opposable digits. They could build with tools. What do crab clawed aliens do? Subcontact the work out to other aliens? And what do they pay for the work with, crab meat?

    • In theory, any sufficiently dexterous opposable appendage could create tools with which to build machines, as well as user interfaces designed around such appendages (assuming the owners of said ‘hands’ were intelligent enough). Since crab claws fit that definition I don’t see how it isn’t feasible.

    • If you take a closer look at your average crab you will see they have plenty of extra arms/legs other than the ones with the big claws on them.

      • Anything that will handle a socket set? I don’t think of fine motor skills when I think of crab claws.

        Honestly, I think we’re putting to much time into thinking this out. Shows how bored I am on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

      • Plus, Earthly crablike creatures have palps, which I think are technically mouth parts, but look like they could do some delicate work.

  5. I would go with S&W model 29. Hickson to Alien: “Seeing that this is 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the galaxy and can blow both your heads clean off…”

  6. By the way, if they would just show up at the front door and stop the skulking around and kidnapping rednecks there would probably be less interest in just blowing them away. Maybe.

    • The flat out fact is if they have near light or faster than light capability (which they would need in order to get to us in any reasonable time frame) then there is no reason at all to beat around the bush with us, since it probably means they have weapons capable of cracking earth like an egg and killing our entire race almost instantly. It would be like Delta Force going up against a large tribe of neanderthals. No contest.

    • They’re waiting for us to figure out world peace before they’ll even visit (other than the secret landing parties out in the woods), then when we develop the warp drive, they’ll invite us to join the Federation.

      It’s marginally interesting to note that through the history of alien sightings, they’ve evolved from little green men to tall gray skinny things with enormous black eyes. Before flying saucers, people were abducted by faeries and gnomes, or trolls. ;-P

    • Or even it’s 1943 equivalent, M1 Garand and a full cartridge belt. Sooner or later, it always comes back to a .30-06.

      • Good call. Funny, that’s the year mine was made, and I just scored 4 unopened tins of ammo in clips in the bandoliers. I’m happy, happy, happy.

        • Even without the phased rifle, I’d say you are well covered for not just unwanted inter-galactic visitors as well as any reoccurrence of National Socialism. I do sort of hate you too, though. That was a very nice score.

  9. Hmm I’d suggest an AR they were around then maybe a thompson or if all else fails the ma duece everyone wants their ma when the SHTF

  11. These guys failed to mention that they were abducted after they drank a half-gallon of moonshine distilled through a radiator from a ’68 Ford…

  13. What a shame RF. You are a relatively smart guy but you resort to Jimmy Kimmel ridicule on a subject you know next to nothing about. Hmmm…what did you call Kimmel? “JERK”

  16. The more intelligent spacefaring species have had nearly a century of our radio and TV shows to watch and listen to for an understanding of the human race. Think about it – the best defense I can come up with: broadcasts of Piers Morgan on CNN. They’ll book to another dimension to get away…

  17. This is the real reason I bought a VP-70. If the USCM thinks it’s good enough for killin’ aliens, it’s good enough for me.

  18. They must have had alien visitors back in the early days of chemistry – one of our elements, the inert gas krypton, was named after Superman’s home planet, and he’s an extraterrestrial! ;-p

  22. Well, I see that we’ve got a few here doing the governments dirty work. Not to mention….Saul Alinsky’s. In particular, Alinsky’s Rule #5. “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.”

    Ridicule only buttresses a weak position. Usually, one with no moral or ethical anchor.
    Like say,… Obama? Don’t go there. Don’t use ridicule to silence or marginalize our fellow citizens. It serves no one’s purpose, but the governments’. No, I’m not talking about just UFO’s, it’s so much bigger than that. Ridicule those who do evil, for theirs, or evil’s sake. People claiming to have seen or experienced a UFO encounter, are not doing evil, but ridiculing these people, is. In the end, you’re the one who looks mentally weak and unbalanced. Besides, what sort of vile offense have these people done to any of you? None. But oddly enough, many seem intent on putting these people in their place. Because why?

  23. I believe there is intelligent life out there some where. I do not believe they are traveling to our world. Ever see the first “The Day The Earth Stood Still” ? Klaatu traveled as an ambassador and landed in a very public place in our nations capital. And even after a hostile welcome he still got in touch with a famous scientist.

    But the aliens we keep hearing about are always snatching up Cletus and Billy Ray from the trailer park and doing all sorts of demented things to them. Does this make any sense at all?

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