Blue Force Gear Quote of the Day: What I Would Want if I Were a Gun



“If I were a gun who just wanted to be a firework with a nice flare that just so happens to operate as a vehicle for bullets, I wouldn’t want to shoot anyone. I, too, would find my owner ‘irresponsible’ for using me to kill people and then blaming me for his actions. But I don’t want to to empathize with the gun that killed Trayvon Martin. I don’t want to empathize with any gun. If I were a gun, I would hope I’d want to self-melt.” – Rich Smith in New Video Poem by Nikkita Oliver Imagines Trayvon Martin Shooting from Gun’s Perspective [via]


    1. avatar nativeson says:

      It sounds like hallucinogenics are making a comeback.

  1. avatar Gov. William J. Le Petomane says:


    1. avatar sagebrushracer says:

      my reaction, also I think my IQ just took a hit as well.

      1. avatar Gov. William J Le Petomane says:

        Like smoking a big fat joint without the euphoria.

    2. avatar Rad Man says:

      I’m fairly sure that if I were a gun I’d be made of some combination of steel, aluminum, polymer, and wood. Thus, I’d want nothing. Jackass.

      1. avatar JasonM says:

        Maybe he’s one of those new-fangled “smart guns” we’re always hearing about.

    3. avatar JasonM says:

      The Stranger is a Seattle based free tabloid with the occasional poorly written socialist article breaking the monotony of call girl ads.
      Apparently somebody there figured out how to set up a website.

  2. avatar CueBaller says:

    Self melt…. that’s deep.

    1. avatar Ian in Transit says:

      Sounds like he is suicidal and using metaphor as a way to cry out for help.

  3. avatar AnOregonian says:


  4. avatar MiniMe says:

    Ooh, the feelz… the feelz, man! It is all aboot the feelz!

    Sheesh! The stupid is strong with this one. 😀

  5. avatar Survivordude1090 says:

    lol wut?

  6. avatar Mikele says:


  7. avatar tdiinva (now in wisconsin) says:

    If l were the gun that killed Trayvon Martin I would be suffering from PTSD. I mean, why didn’t Trayvon just go home?

  8. avatar martin says:

    If i were a gun I would want to be a ma duce

    1. avatar jwm says:

      I would want to have an airplane built just to carry me.

      1. avatar Chris. says:

        I’m with this Guy!

      2. avatar CarlosT says:

        That’s the GAU-8 Avenger. The A-10 was designed around it and it’s basically a flying gun.

    2. avatar Model 31 says:

      I would want to have a 16″ diameter rifled barrel and be mounted to a ship.

      1. avatar mk10108 says:

        big fireworks with that.

    3. avatar BDub says:

      I would want to be called Gustav, and live on railroad tracks with my girlfriend, Dora.

    4. avatar Rick the Bear (now in NH!!) says:

      An M2 is a good choice. A minigun is a GREAT choice!

      1. avatar BDub says:

        How ’bout both…at the same time!

  9. avatar DrewR says:

    The gun control argument has now fallen to the kindergarten level. How anyone could possibly take this crappie seriously is beyond my comprehension.

    1. avatar Alan Esworthy says:

      Mine too, but it seems to be spreading within the collectivist hive. A couple of days ago Anthony Watts had a piece about an article in Smithsonian Magazine about feeling the pain of climate change by taking the point of view of coral polyps. I am not making this up.

  10. avatar Texheim says:

    And this sums up what is wrong with today’s yoots

    1. avatar Andrew Ryan says:

      We’re not all flower children… some of us care about limited constitutional government and basic human rights.

      If I were a gun, I’d want to be a Borchardt C-93… classic and revolutionary at the same time.

      1. And think of all the complements you would get on your tail.

    2. avatar 2004done says:

      “What’s a yoot?” – Fred Gwynne

  11. avatar HammaHamma says:

    This guy been having too much dooby time with Jaden Smith?

  12. avatar Ross says:

    Well now who is the special little snowflake.

  13. avatar Soylent Green says:

    Nothing says, “I’m doing something about what I believe in”, like writing a poem.

    Jesus, at least try and be a real adversary.

    I wonder what the knives J Dahmer used to chopped people up thought? Or maybe what did his freezer think?

    1. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

      i was late for dinner. i got the cold shoulder.

  14. avatar Sean in Tampa says:

    I, uh, what is this I don’t even

  15. avatar Boba Fett says:

    This may be the first piece of anti-gun horse shit I’ve seen that seems to imply, albeit in a very subtle way, that maybe the gun owner is at least partially responsible for his actions and not just the gun itself.

    Also, Dick, gun owners don’t blame guns for violence- it’s your ilk that carries that torch.

  16. avatar PeterK says:

    I actually feel dumber having read even this much of the article. Oy.

  17. avatar DaveL says:

    If I were a gun, I would want someone to invent a special cartridge that gets me as high as this dude.

  18. avatar BTP says:

    If I were a gun, I’d say,
    “Don’t anthropomorphize me!”
    Because I would hate it when people do that,
    If I were a gun

  19. avatar DaveL says:

    It occurs to me that there is such a thing as metals that are “self-melting”, and I’m infinitely grateful that the kind of useless sods who write bad poetry like this are light-years away from being able to procure or use them.

  20. avatar AndyinMA says:

    I want to be a derringer that Sofia Vergara bra carries

    1. avatar Joe R. says:

      This string was going wrong until that post. Thank you.

    2. avatar Mack Bolan says:

      Boob sweat will wreak havoc on your finish. Make sure you stay well oiled.

    3. You take the high road. I’ll go with appendix carry.

  21. avatar dph says:

    The crazy is strong in Seattle.

    1. avatar rick3 says:

      Yes, I live in Seattle and unfortunately, your statement is very true…we have lots of special little snowflakes here.
      Fortunately, I’ve recently found out that 3 of my co-workers (in a very anti-gun company) have their Concealed Carry!

  22. avatar Hank says:

    If I were a gun Id want to be something with a giggle switch.

  23. avatar YAR0892 says:

    I’ve heard some stupid crap before, but wow this makes my head hurt. The dumb is strong with this one…

  24. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

    maybe someday he can be dallas archer’s desert eagle.

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if a Desert Eagle would fit in Ms. Archer’s ‘special place’…

  25. avatar mk10108 says:

    Ode to the gun, words spoken alone echoing an ache, grasping for an understanding as to why a tool of life and death is not a firework of imagination. The cry of why reaching into the souls of a devastated race struggling to survive failure of leadership. Willingness to sacrifice achievement for fate, accepting what is, instead of the work required to live.

    It’s never about the gun…

  26. avatar Swilson says:

    Is it super surprising people like this live in make-believe land?

    And by the way, fvck being a gun! I’d be weaponized smallpox or sarin gas in the AC. Or why wait on an epidemic, I’d just go for it all at once and be an asteroid.

    1. avatar Mk10108 says:

      I present to you a strategic thinker and my chuckling smirk for the day.

      1. avatar Swilson says:

        Thank you, I keep trying to tell all my bosses that I’m a big picture guy.

        Nice write up yourself by the way, directly above mine. Very Tennyson-esque.

  27. avatar CalGunsMD says:

    This poem is an example of the failings of the self esteem movement.

  28. avatar William says:

    …and this is why we still need the draft.

  29. avatar William says:

    …and this is why we still need the draft.

    You know, now that I think about it I did line the line about “I, too, would find my owner ‘irresponsible’ for using me to kill people and then blaming me for his actions.”

    It’s like the ‘blind pig that is right twice a day’ cause he is admitting that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

    1. avatar mk10108 says:

      I would never want a draftee on my flank, being dragged into combat. I want the hard pipe hitting volunteer who’s all in

  30. avatar Jim says:

    If I was having my head beat into the concrete I would want my gun to come to my rescue. After all I’ve done for that gun it better show some appreciation.

  31. avatar Andrew Lias says:

    I think he may have watched the Lord of War intro a bit too much. I mean, that’s “what if I were a bullet” but I digress.

    Seriously though, if I were a gun I’d like to be something that was taken to the range periodically but otherwise put in a nice museum or collection to just chillax. Perhaps be a working gun on the hip of some officer to sit in his dresser drawer after retirement with an odd range trip. Either that or just be a minigun on a plane and live the fast life.

  32. If I was a plain white T-shirt, I would not want my owner to wear me on the outside. It’s cold out here. I am underwear. Key word “under”. At least print something on me like…”I’m With Stupid” with an arrow pointed straight up.

  33. Is that the face of graygay?lol

    1. avatar Ing says:

      I dunno about the face, but the essence is definitely there.

  34. avatar HandyDan says:

    I sexually identify as a M240.

    1. avatar BDub says:

      So you like to be belt-fed, huh? 😉

  35. The gun is only part of a complete system. When I hold a gun, I am the gun.

    1. avatar LarryinTX says:

      Be the ball, Danny, be the ball!

  36. avatar BDub says:

    So in this exercise of personifiying and inanimate object, he reaches the conclusion that the gun should not feel responsible for the crimes its used to commit (somewhat a refreshing conclusion), however, he feels the gun should instead feel shame just for being a gun….and commit suicide.


  37. avatar Emb says:

    If I was a coffee table, I wouldn’t want anyone to stub their toe on me, but I’d quietly smirk when they turn around, cussing, to kick me and then think better of it.

  38. avatar HeySpany says:

    ….what the fuck did I just read? I…I don’t get it. Is he trying to attribute empathy and self awareness to an inanimate object? And that “self melt” line, was that condoning suicide or something?

    1. avatar mk10108 says:

      Particularly like the line claiming a 2A right without the responsibility, yet the reason black people populate dead scrolls in cities designed to contain them. Classic deflection and knowing the truth and refusing to accept it.

  39. avatar Twisted Swifter says:


    While we’re at it, everyone who writes poetry should have to undergo a universal background check before their work can be published.

  40. avatar Ralph says:

    And if I were a watch
    I’d start popping my springs
    Or if I were a bell
    I’d go ding dong, ding dong ding.

  41. avatar Jack says:

    If I were the gun that killed Trayvon Martin I would feel pretty good about myself. A Keltec PF-9 has a lot of folks hatin on it, but this one did EXACTLY what it was designed, built, marketed, sold and carried to do, protect it’s little pudgy, Democrat, Hispanic owner from being killed by a large, aggressive, MMA fighting, burglar. Good job little PF-9.

  42. avatar Nanashi says:

    I’d want to have a fun switch instead of being castrated by the NRA endorsed NFA.

    1. We weren’t castrated by NFA. Circumcised maybe.

  43. avatar DetroitMan says:

    Don’t despair because you’re not a gun. Please fulfill your wish to self melt. While you’re at it, see if you can convince some of your progressive friends to do it with you. Also, if you could take some video of the self melting and post it here, it would be much appreciated. I’ll make some popcorn.

  44. avatar Mr. AR says:

    So I’m guessing we aren’t inviting this guy to our next BBQ gun party, let alone range day or gun show?

    Self melting steel does tend to mess up the BBQ, Brats, and Background checks.

  45. avatar Planet_Federal_Way_Twax_City says:

    If my aunt had nuts she’d be my uncle.

  46. avatar Jerid says:

    If I were a gun.. I wouldn’t want anything, because inanimate objects don’t have wants or needs or feelings.

  47. avatar Bobiojimbo says:

    She’s mixing the metaphor a bit. The firework is more closely analogous with a bullet. Well, fireworks can cause serious harm, and maybe even death..

    This part isn’t so bad:
    “The thing that confuses me: The question during Zimmerman’s trial wasn’t whether Zimmerman used one gun or another to shoot Martin, but whether or not the shooting could be considered murder or manslaughter in the state of Florida. (Zimmerman was found not guilty.) If the gun’s confession was something like, “I murdered Trayvon Martin,” then that would be a whole other story.

    But I think that if I see the gun as the symbol of power more generally, then the underlying idea that terrible men woefully misuse power shines through a little more clearly for me.

    Maybe I’m just a crazy idiot who is reading this poem incorrectly? I’m sure you’ll let me know in the comments.”

    Considering how long he takes to get to these nuggets of truth, I can see how the poem obfuscates the truth of the issue at hand in story of Zimmerman VS Martin. His self doubt is a result of a constant, false narrative: guns are bad; but you can read that grasps a bit of the truth: power in the wrong hands is bad, and sometimes lethal force IS justified.

  48. avatar StuckinMaryland says:

    This poem is fantasy. Of course, poems can be fantasy, but this was built on the fantasy that Martin was an innocent child who wasn’t pounding someone’s head into the ground at the moment he was shot.

    Many of us, at a younger age, have been unnecessarily followed around a store because someone thinks we look like we’re going to steal something or run off the mall property because we look like troublemakers, even though we are just kids. That doesn’t give us the right to assault someone.

    I have to laugh at all the uninformed and biased people lamenting that guns are designed to kill. There are many people who need to be killed such as robbers, rapists, murderers and unrepentant thugs beating people’s heads into the ground.

    If you really believe that self-defense tools, including those capable of inflicting fatal damage, are not necessary, you live in the same fantasy world as this “author”. The world isn’t always a place of handholding, love, singing and drum circles. There are dangerous people in this world. People who don’t give a damn about how liberal and progressive your personal views are and they will make you a victim if they sense you are weak. Hence the need for defensive tools, such as this ridiculously mixed up and confused trans-firework. Just what everybody needs, a gun that identifies as firework.

  49. avatar Mickey says:

    If I were a gun I wouldn’t think anything. Because I’d be a gun and they are inanimate objects that don’t have feelings.

  50. avatar India says:

    Felt so hopeless looking for answers to my quie.sons.t.until now.

  51. Helt det samme her. Sukker/stivelse starter en stormflod af uro indeni mig og sÃ¥ begynder jeg at skælde ud pÃ¥ alt og alle omkring mig. Det er ret pinligt, egentligt.Jeg kan dog ogsÃ¥ godt hÃ¥ndtere lidt, hvis det kommer oven pÃ¥ en god dagskost. Men det giver mig stadig lyst til mere, mere, mere… En god nats søvn og sÃ¥ er du tilbage i godt humør 🙂

  52. avatar http://www./ says:

    We’ve arrived at the end of the line and I have what I need!

  53. Rael mi piace troppo come scrive e quindi ogni commento da parte mia su di lei stavolta risulterebbe davvero superfluo perché… lei già sa!Però siccome mi piace un casino essere superfluo – e soprattutto SCRIVERE cose superflue – prima di andarmene da qui non posso fare a meno di dire… BRAVISSIMI! Ad entrambi. 😉

  54. Love this fabric. Would make a simple wall hanging for our local Imaging place. Was there yesterday for my Mam-O-gram. If any left over another wall hanging for my neighbour who is undergoing treatment right now. Thank you for the offer to try and win. Anne in snow dusted Colorado today

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