Churchgoers Security Training
(AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez)
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But I say unto ye resist not range safety, but whosoever shall muzzle blast on thy cheek, turn to him the other also. – Tinnitus 5:56

Winning caption writer: Vernowhereman

We’re bringing back the dearly departed weekend photo caption contest this week to give away a very nice optic. Put your gray matter to work and enter the most creative captions you can come up with for the photo above in the comments by midnight on Sunday.

We’ll choose a winner and he or she will receive the new Leupold Freedom RDS Black Ring red dot sight with mount pictured below.

Good luck.


Leupold Black Ring RDS with Mount
Dan Z. for TTAG

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  1. Despite the local pd being less than enthused about the community church reopening for Sunday services. The parishioners seem to be in good spirits.

      • “So young Michael Moore, you think silencers should be banned?”

        Apologies to the kid for comparing him to Rosie O’Donnel’s twin.

  2. “Now Jimmy is going to pass the donation basket around one more time. I suggest you dig deep.”

  3. “A shepherd must tend to his flock, and at times, fight off the wolves”

    • If I have to learn sign language after you shoot, want to guess what my first sign will be?

  4. Just hold still for a few seconds, we can take care of that ear wax problem pretty fast!

  5. Forget John, we proclaim Luke 3:16!

    John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and FIRE.

  6. Deafness at Noon

    Concealment and cover.
    “Now students, if you are caught out in the open when the BG is armed with a handgun, a stout friend or passerby can provide both concealment AND cover.”

    “Now tell me when to hold my breath.”
    (Two Mules for Sister Sara)

  7. Yeah, sure, EVERYBODY, pick on the fat kid. Even if he has no idea what you’re saying these days.

  8. Did you serve in the military between 2003 and 2015 and not bother using your 3M earplugs?

  9. “When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of light
    That split the night
    And touched the sound of silence”

  10. Pictured Above: A Confirmation Ceremony at The
    Church of the Resounding Blast took place last Sunday.

    • [Not a caption]

      So this must be the third Church the dudes from Cypress Hill went to. The Temple of Boom.

  11. He Nailed all three shots…

    Tonight’s event: Eucharist skeet! Pull!

    He ain’t heavy. He’s my AR.

  12. Reach in them Jeans and pull out them greens! Don’t make me holler, don’t make me shout! Turn them pockets inside out!

  13. “Everyone gather round, today we are blessed with the gift of a baptism of fire – a first for our congregation.”

  14. “Now son, all the hot brass stuck in your hair will teach you why mullets ain’t what they cracked up to be.”

  15. Barber closed due to covid? Don’t worry, we got this. Won’t hurt a bit. Just a little off the sides you said?

  16. And Shepherds we shall be

    For thee, my Lord, for thee.

    Power hath descende…

    “Shut up Dad! That movie is like 20 years old!”

  17. A lucky kid! Let’s hope that the next generation has some chance of a repeat of this scene.

  18. Testing the theory: If an AR is shot twice in a church, is it heard more than once?

  19. Y’all white people be toying while black boys be getting killed in cold blood. SMH.

  20. This is shocking behavior. In church no less.

    Those have NO PLACE in the Lord’s House

    How DARE you wear hats in church??

  21. The church’s now defunct scared straight sexual orientation and gender identity counseling program.

  22. Meagan immediately regretted raising her hand when the youth pastor asked for a volunteer.

  23. Day 67 of Pandmic Restrictions: The industrious gun owner finds new uses for both his son and the underutalized church.

  24. Remember what happened when the lion and the lamb lay down? I kinda miss that lion.

  25. What’s all this talk of ‘non’ binary? Of course the trigger’s binary, watch….

  26. “Stand still. I downloaded all the files from the Internet, and printed this thing in my basement. Trust me. It’ll work jes’ fine.”

  27. They said to have someone besides the person holding the gun 911. I could have sworn they said beside.

    PS. Get the guy with the AR a holster for his extra mag.

  28. Our new preacher is very strict. If you forget to take off your hat in church, he will use his muzzle brake to blow it off your head.

  29. I lost my hearing the first time we did this, so this is a non event. Shoot it again as I can’t hear it anyway.
    Screw hearing protection. I also ride bikes with no helmet, guess I’m just a survivor.

  30. After pastor Eugene delivered our sermon, only Jesus could save those taking from the collection plate.

  31. We’ve been interviewing pastoral candidates all week…we are down to three, three….er…two, two pastoral candidates.

  32. No virus shall stop me
    No Governor shall force me
    If I can’t live free
    Try to take me!

  33. Tell your brother to hold that target higher over his head! I don’t wanna accidentally shoot him! Not again…

  34. “Pa, Preacher sez he saw three squirrels in the rafters.”
    “That was two, son – almost done.”

  35. Govenor, we don’t care what you say about crowd sizes at church. Now leave and take your gestapo with you!

  36. Holy shit these comments show the cringe age and seclusion of this forum. Even the guys of slipknot are 50… what’s your excuses?

  37. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I hear no evil, just some constant ringing.”

  38. 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

    “Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

    “The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

    8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

  39. “So youd like a close shave without nicks or razor burn? This’ll only take two seconds.”

  40. “Oh pease,, I don’t care where your AR prints, show Me what you can do with your Gock.”

  41. When you have so many kids that you cannot afford protective Body armor…you make use with what the Lord gives you.

  42. Go on Shannon, go talk the bad man out of doing bad things. I’ll be right here to take care of him when that don’t work.

  43. (Elder to church security staff member)
    Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! That is NOT what the Bible means in 1 Corinthians when it says, “For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.”

  44. Pastor to congregation:
    So, you want to do it the hard way, eh? Fine! I will execute one choir boy every 15 minutes until I find out who farted in church!

  45. This is for sending out two, TWO bad units to InRangeTV. Send out one more bad review unit and out comes the 50 Cal!

  46. While the Lord likes to speak in a gentle whisper, I prefer something a bit more loud and booming to get people’s attention.

  47. “First you’ll hear the bang, then you’ll feel the spent cartridge burning the back of your neck.”

  48. Listen up people: THIS is what we do to confirmands who fail to turn in their sermon reports!

  49. * music playing *
    Guy with gun: Alright! Everyone! Put yo hands up!
    Parishioner up front: hey mister, I’ll praise the lord, but I don’t dance.
    Guy with gun: Ugh. Just make a donation to me and my little friend * nodding to his gun *
    Parishioner up front: oh ok, but I’m goin’ to make change once the plate comes around, all I got is a $50.

  50. I don’t live closer than 3 days drive to Karl Manke, the only barber open in the USA so I’ll resort to anything to get a haircut.

  51. As Michael sprang into position, the youth leader also suddenly remembered the ‘no cell phones in the sanctuary’ policy. It seemed Jesus was calling someone.

  52. Church Security making sure the armed intruder is “Washed in the Blood”. Hallelujah !

  53. Parishioner Mary Smith (foreground) flinches as Pastor Larp, in order to abide by required social distancing guidelines, administers communion to fellow congregants via the revolutionary Wineshotz [TM] ammunition.

  54. When I agreed to help for the demonstration, I didn’t agree to be the human meat shield!

  55. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then firest thou thy Holy Long Arm of Armalite towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’

  56. NEXT time I request a little extra donation for bi-pods you’ll pay attention, won’t you?

  57. Do you want tinnitus and mild hearing loss? Because THAT’S how you get tinnitus and mild hearing loss.

  58. “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

    Nehemiah 4:14b

  59. Pastor Bob demonstrating the need for a clean pair of underwear in young Pat’s emergency response kit.

  60. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, he never said what to do if you are struck again. He left that up to us, and my little friend here is the answer to what we will do.

  61. “Moses parted the sea…..But if you insist I’ll part your eyebrows”

  62. And for this semesters final in gender studies we have a non-binary thaby with a purple rifle, and cross dressing trans person. A++

  63. All the parishioners were too terrified to tell Father Johnson that his fire and brimstone sermons had gone too far.

  64. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know!
    That I am the Lord! When I lay my vengeance upon thee!”

    • My favorite speech of all time….. that and, Yeah the wallet that says “Bad Muthrfukr”…. Pulp Fiction much?

  65. But I say unto ye resist not range safety but whosoever shall muzzle blast on thy cheek turn to him the other also. -Tinnitus 5:56

  66. “Halt or ye shall face the wrath of the fire & brimstone and some Green tips!

  67. Some Holy Grail Spin:

    Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.

    And Saint Stoner raised the AR up on high saying, “Oh, Lord, bless this thy AR that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats……

  68. You…In the back….You really going to let that collection plate just pass on by?

  69. “Due to the current social-distancing guidelines, the shotgun wedding was modified by the bride’s father to a more effective weapons choice and firing position”.

  70. Isn’t that more fun than your Fortnite game for little phaggots? Be a man like uncle Cletus!

  71. He’s got a pocket pistol, in his hands
    He’s got a pocket pistol, in his hands
    He’s got a pocket pistol, in his hands
    And the bad guy doesn’t know

  72. Our Pastor would prefer to tell you about Jesus, but will arrange the meeting if necessary.

  73. “Let me kill this last Midianite and then we’ll take their little girls for sex slaves as the Lord commanded!”

    “Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. 18 But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves,” (Numbers 31:17-18)

  74. ” I said 10% percent people !! Susy here will go full TSA on you if you skimp this time!”

  75. Yo Timmy, check it out, so after I mag dumped on the infidels, I says to the last one still standing, “I bet you’re asking yourself, did he fire 30 rounds or 29?” Then the message said, please insert 25 cents to continue play.

  76. The bad news sir, is that this is not a gun free zone that you have chosen to attack.

    The good news is we believe when you meet God, God will forgive your sins. Pastor Bob is here to help you to that meeting now.

    • “if you lob into the eucharist just right sometimes you can pulpit.”

      Awwwriiiiiiiiight ! Well done.

  77. even with his admittedly powerful skills of persuasion, the parishoner could not cement a date for his daughter.

  78. else’s thoughts drifted towards, as she was disappointed with her tinder outings.

  79. new to the unitarian congregation, the usher had difficulty seating attendees with his laser pointer.

  80. ‘eventually we get everyone around to ‘debts/ debtor’s’, but there’s always a stubborn ‘trespass against us’ faction.

  81. “And just like that, EVERYONE wanted to donate to Timmy’s fundraiser for his Palmetto State Armory Mission Trip.”

  82. You did What”………….Sorry man I thought this was the confession room!

  83. East Jesus County indoor range closure to COVID-19 provokes Pastor to offer Church as temporary replacement site. Comment: “What’s a few more holes in an already Holy altar? Plus it’s a damn-strong backstop against Satan, so it oughta serve our congregation members just fine”.

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