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George Steele was last week’s winner. This week’s inspired snarkmeister will win a 5.11 Single Pistol Case to get his or her favorite gat to and from the range. Enter your best effort in the comments by Sunday midnight to be eligible.

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  1. Look here. This is where I filed off the serial number after I killed your whore of a mother. Now, let’s go down to the lake together.

  2. So, Billy, let’s review … How many of the Colonel’s rules am I breaking right now?

  3. Well gee uncle Billy….when I said I wanted Eddie Haskell to shut up… I didn’t mean permanently.

  4. Son, this was my service pistol. By the time you’re my age this will be much more, like a surrogate penis, symbol of misogyny, white privilege and other bullshit . But for now it’s simply a 1911a1 / .45 acp.

  5. “Someday, these things will have a Hillary Hole. Believe me, you won’t want one of those.”

  6. “Billy, this is called a GAT. It’s a worthless pellet gun. But some poor soul in England uses it as his carry piece. He’s what we call a ‘limey fruit'”.

    • Zing! Too bad I don’t even think they can carry pellet guns. They probably have laws against carrying pictures of guns in the uss-uk.

  7. Someday son this will be yours. Keep ot secret and safe…. you never know when the grabbers will win.

  8. tell you what kid, if you can shoot the rope your daddy lives…. thats close enough….

  9. See this object, Timmy, carrying it causes people thousands of miles away to foam at the mouth.

  10. Mom and dad said never take candy from strangers, but they never said anything about guns…..

  11. Son, you and I are both tired of your mother’s ankle-biter…have you ever read Old Yeller?

  12. Joey, do you like gladiator movies? I’ll stand behind you and help you hold this as you shoot it.

  13. Son, this here ain’t to be trifled with. It’s an armor-piercing anti-tank handgun. Otherwise known as a 10mm…

  14. “Gee Dad, I don’t know, it’s cool and all, but I think I prefer a double stack, something that’ll hold more than 7 rounds.”

  15. Beaver, I know you’re thinking about Eddie Haskell right now, but try to get that thought out of your head.

  16. That’s right Beaver, we’re gonna go shoot it tomorrow! Now tell me, what’s the first rule of gun safety?

  17. Dad- “Beaver, this is my new pistol, what do you think? Isn’t she a beaut?”
    The Beaver- “Gee, Dad, it’s pretty swell I guess. But I was expecting a Flat Dark Earth Sig P226 Mk 25 with an RMR sight & a TLR-1 light. Uh, Dad, do you even operate?”

    • Bobby, j”ust let your hand slip to your sides, let the gun slip out, everybody will think you still got it.”

  18. “Geez Dad, that old school look is neat and all, but why does it rattle so much?”

  19. “I guess it’s kinda swell, but Lumpy’s dad showed us the machine gun he killed commies with in Korea. Have you got one of those Dad?”

  20. No, I wanted an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

  21. And no gangster costume would be complete without a S&W revolver! Do you have a holster, Billy?

  22. The way your dad looked at it, this gun was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this gun up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the gun. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the gun to you.

  23. Just remember , son, keep your booger hook off the bang switch until your front sight is on your target.

  24. When you need to bust a cap, you put your booger hook on the bang switch here and carefully squeeze, not pull, the trigger.

  25. Repeat after me:

    The gun is always loaded.
    Keep the gun in a safe direction.
    Finger off until ready to shoot.

    Great! Now let’s go drill that rat who insulted your mother.

  26. Gee dad, that’s a neato .45, but Mr. Rutherford was in the war, and he says, the P35 Hi Power, holds 5 more bullets, it has no grip safety, and he can disconnect that annoying magazine safety with a little bitty nail, but I guess it will work just as good on Eddie Haskell. So, cause I am under the age of 12 the state won’t find me criminally sponsible? What’s criminally sponsible mean? I don’t gots to go to jail? So if you shoot Eddie you go to jail but if I do it’s okay? Oh good!!! I was worried there for a minute, but it’s gonna be okay. Show me those safeties one more time.

  27. Having trouble collecting on your paper route? Ever here the old saying “you get further with a smile and a gun than just with a smile” ?

    Take this and for the next 3 months I get 10% of what you collect.

  28. “Hey Dad. Why does Mom keep saying ‘Ward, you were a little hard on the beaver last night’? I wasn’t here, I stayed over at Lumpy’s house.”

  29. “go put on some swim trunks and see if you can shoot down that paper wasp nest out front.”

  30. “for wally’s comment, ‘you look more like a gopher with bangs’ i’d suggest something like this.”

  31. “You see this, blued steel and wood. Don’t ever let the guy behind the counter sell you something made of plastic. Plastic isn’t PERFECTION.”

  32. Well son since you asked you may as well forget prayers, this is the only proven tool to stop evil.

  33. Your ratings are going down steadily Beav, but this will pretty much assure Dennis will no more be a menace.

  34. [The Liberal Twilight Zone]

    What the hell did you do with your Pop-Tart little Tommy?
    You realize I’m going to have to tell child services about this … They’ll probably put you into the care of a sexual-abuser and your parents will get the death-penalty … but, the law’s the law see!

  35. “Gee dad, that’s swell !!! where does it plug into the TV?”


    “Come on son, we’ve got a lot to talk about. And take off that suit your mother put on you, they’ll laugh at you at the range.”

  36. Back when we lived in a free country, we could own things like these ! FLAME DELETED

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