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[h/t Johannes Paulsen]

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  1. What do you mean you don’t like my camouflage?? It’s made by Under Armor and I bought it at Cabela’s!

  2. The annual leprechaun’s Christmas dinner always gets uncomfortable after Uncle Patrick gets some Jameson in him.

  3. Well, let me tell you something, Herr Fashion-meister!
    Your Frau knitted this sweater for me!

  4. Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev hosts an American Western themed Party party. “I saw you deal from the bottom comrade, now draw!”

  5. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. “Gimme five bees for a quarter,” you’d say…

  6. And then I told that witch, “I don’t give a damn about your candy house, me and my sister Gretel are outta here. You have a problem? Take it up with my friend Mr Sam Colt.”

  7. You think that’s bad ass??
    You ain’t going fucking believe this man,
    Listen up chuckle heads, really this is, this is no bullshit man.
    One time me and this political commissar we had,he was a FNG, anyway,
    we were shooting Fascists in the Ukraine, when out of nowhere……. Hey you shit birds aren’t even listing to me.
    Hey you bunch of Pogs, you Remington Raiders.

  8. No, Max! The 2715th annual meeting of the ancient and honorable druidic rod and gun club will NOT be considering your proposal to dance naked around a bonfire after dinner!

  9. Revolver Ocelot’s adoptive father lectures his friends on the finer points of the Single-Action Army.

  10. “Comrade Tito, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can get with a kind word alone. Richard Nixon himself told me this. Didn’t he give you a hawg leg, too?”

  11. Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “ni” at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

    Now, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest, with…a herring!

  12. It’s frickin’ cold outside, Mr. Bigglesworth. Why are we eating out here again?

  13. You take that back Comrade Kalashnikov! We Russians will never adopt automatics! This reliable Revolver will outlast any hare-brained automatic you come up with! Not even the Africans or the Middle Easterners would use your trash…

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