Question of the Day: WWJS (What Would Jesus Shoot)?

Remember WWJD (What Would Jesus Drive)? While I’m an anthropogenic climate change denier (which I’ll say three times fast if you like), I thought the anti-SUV campaign was funny. Equally, I mean for this question to be respectful and light-hearted. And I’m going to resist the urge to add on a question about what Allah would pack because I need a fatwa on my head like Xenia Tchoumitcheva needs another vowel. So how about it? What would Jesus carry and/or shoot? A three-barreled shotgun?


  1. avatar Ilya says:

    An ar he was a simple an practical carpenter.

  2. avatar Brainman says:

    JC would shoot .22mm. Cause he doesn’t need .45 to take your soul.

  3. avatar Jack says:

    Glock 19. Everyone knows that.

    1. avatar Anonymoose says:

      No, he would have a Hi-Power in .40S&W- JMB’s original Holy Vision for what the 1911 should have been.

      1. avatar mark s. says:

        Well now , we have the answer . He shot very powerful words and followed them with determined action or non action , which changed the entire world even until this day .
        If you were to shoot Him , He would be back in 3 days .

        1. avatar Elizabeth says:

          I don’t know. We can go for a bull ride now?

  4. avatar JohnO_inTX says:

    Jesus would carry a .22lr. Maybe a Walnut stocked half-octagonal barreled single-shot Stephens 30G. Yes, it is a single-shot. He would never have to reload, well, just because. The man turned water into wine. He doesn’t need a gun to debilitate people. This would strictly be a fun plinking gun.

    The 30G is a light, well-balanced dream to shoot.

  5. avatar Chip Bennett says:

    I’m going to go with “nothing”. Jesus never carried a weapon, as far as I remember. He knew He could call down 10,000 angels in His defense if need be, but never did, because He knew He had a particular role to play.

    One time he used a whip – but not as a weapon. It was more of a disciplinary tool (sort of like a switch), to clear out the money-lenders from the temple.

    1. avatar justin says:

      “He knew He could call down 10,000 angels in His defense if need be”

      Sounds like he didn’t need to carry because he had AC130 Air Support.

    2. avatar Robert S. says:

      I believe Jesus is a ”sword-guy” (Matthew 10:34, Revelation 19:15) , though he has blessed our store with a wide range of other options. 🙂

    3. avatar PeterW says:

      A sharp 2-edged sword from His mouth, but seriously Jesus doesn’t need anything but His Word to put an beginning or ending to anything He wants. In Revelation, the Army of the Saints (resurrected believers) doesn’t actually fight anybody. The true weapon of the Prince of Peace is unconditional LOVE, but that doesn’t make for much humorous TTAG fodder.

    4. avatar Simon says:

      Yeah, army of angels sounds about right. Supernatural warriors that would decimate anything in their path. It might look something like the undead army from Lord of the Rings.

  6. avatar Phil says:

    Having the power of God he would not need a gun. being Jewish he might like a TAVOR.

    1. avatar Removed_californian says:

      Beat me to it. JC was an Israeli, he’d probably be a tavor guy. Some do call it the Hebrew hammer lol.

    2. avatar Hannibal says:

      No Uzis akimbo?

    3. avatar SpeleoFool says:

      A Tavor was actually the first thing to come to my mind as well. Maybe an MTAR, though. I bet Jesus gets all the cool toys.

  7. avatar James in Florida says:

    My jesus would carry a thompson with A team never empty stick mags.
    And a vest of Antioc holy hand grenades .
    All while chomping on a stoggie!

    1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:


  8. avatar Katy says:

    At the risk of going to far, I’d like to point a couple of troubles with that question:

    1) while he didn’t appear to carry, or at least he is never referenced as carrying, at his highest risk point in life, he was surrounded by those who were armed (but we’re not qualified or trained as warriors). Much like our politicians and celebrities today, he could have called for armament or disarmament, and it wouldn’t have mattered – he was protected.

    2) he lived so that he could fulfill god’s plan for us. He had no delusions about what that would require and even at his most troubled knew what the end game had to be. I love my kids and would put my life on the line for them, but I’m not ready to die.

  9. avatar Noishkel says:

    Can’t say what Jesus ‘would shoot’. But I highly doubt he’d shoot a Chiappa… Chiappa come standard with a ‘mark of the beast’ RFID chip in them. :p

    1. avatar Sian says:

      Last I heard Chiappa decided against that after they got savaged by their customers. They went with an easily removable inventory control stickerchip instead. Hasn’t been anything published since the end of 2011 on the issue so I assume it’s dead.

      1. avatar Noishkel says:

        Oh, I know all about the situation. It was just the first thing that came to mind when I saw this.

        I kind of like Chippas myself. Or at least their actual designs. That PR response to that RFID thing was just handled poorly.

  10. avatar dh34 says:

    He probably wouldn’t carry, just armor. But as others have said, his entourage would likely be armed. Being Jews, likely an Uzi under the robe, and probably a few Berettas liberated from the Romans.

    1. avatar David says:

      Hahaha. +1 for the Beretta reference.

  11. avatar actionphysicalman says:

    I knew a Jesus in South Baja that carried an old beat up 4″ S&W 22 mag of some sort. I only saw it when he was drunk and angry so I never got a good look at it.

  12. avatar WillMcG says:

    A 1911, the obvious choice, brought down from the mount by J. Moses B. himself.

  13. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    Stainless, .357 revolver.

    Something American made, with a long barrel, so he can wack people in the head with it.

  14. avatar Sammy^ says:

    A cross bow.

    1. avatar dh34 says:

      Ba dum bah….

    2. avatar DaveR says:

      you win.

      1. avatar jwm says:

        Yes, if burning in hell is a win. 🙂

        1. avatar Sammy^ says:

          If you believe we are made in his image, He will surly have a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus.

        2. avatar jwm says:

          The platypus could also mean that Jesus got carried away with turning water into wine.

  15. avatar Andrew Lias says:

    According to MadTV, Jesus doesn’t carry. His bodyguard on the other hand………….

    1. avatar Mack Bolan says:

      I enjoyed that.

      1. avatar Joe R. says:

        ^ This : ) kinda like a crew-serve weapon Ark Of The Covenant

        Jesus carried THE WORD of GOD, and it was enough for there to be Light, and to divide it from the darkness. . .

        REMEMBER. . . GOD created from Nothing (chaos – not just ‘great disorder’ but ‘the complete ABSENCE OF MEASURE’).

        PS – I don’t believe the global warming cr_p either, because there are Sulfur volcanoes in Indonesia ( that spew 200 x the amount of ALL of man’s produced harmful sulfur gasses and solids EVERY 5 MINUTES. PLUS – If you think that all of the ~ 1500 volcanoes around the planet would just be in perfect harmony with the planet if not for mankind YOU ARE AN F-ING MORON ! ! !

        1. avatar Elizabeth says:

          Haha. My hair hurts

  16. avatar Ronaldo Ignacio says:

    “He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one”

    No garment means small and easily conceivable…

    Subcompact single stack 9mm, or .380.
    It’s in the scripture.

    1. avatar actionphysicalman says:

      Oh, man, not another nature’s pocket carrier.

    2. avatar Elizabeth says:

      A full metal jacket. My guess

  17. avatar DaveR says:

    A nail gun

    1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

      Geez. Now I’ve gotta go give a homeless guy money or something for laughing at that.

  18. avatar Gunr says:

    An iron rod!
    Reworked by his engineering and prototype staff, to fire a 12 ga. shotgun shell (3 1/2″)! Ouch!

  19. avatar The Pontificator says:

    At the expense of coming off like a killjoy is this subject material really appropriate or worthy of this site?

    1. avatar ninjaTED says:

      Thanks, Buzz Killington.

    2. avatar Geoff PR says:

      “At the expense of coming off like a killjoy is this subject material really appropriate or worthy of this site?”

      I think ‘He’ would approve…

      On the other hand, lighten up, Francis.

  20. avatar Mercutio says:

    Moneylenders…but only if they were in the Temple

  21. avatar jwm says:

    What would Jesus shoot? I think he’s start with kapo bloomberg and move on from there.

    Jesus is coming. And he’s pissed.

  22. avatar Ralph says:

    He’d carry a copy of his biography.

  23. avatar Kapeltam says:

    The bad guy. He would shoot the bad guy.

  24. avatar SpeleoFool says:

    Probably a Colt SAA. You know, so he could deliver his sermon on the mount:

  25. avatar TruthTellers says:

    I think Jesus needs to get a bandolier.

  26. avatar RMan says:


  27. avatar Stinkeye says:

    “I mean for this question to be respectful and light-hearted.”

    Good luck with that. TTAG and religion seldom combine in respectful and light-hearted ways…

  28. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    Eyes as flames of flame of fire-feet like burning brass. The creator of the universe(by him all things consist-hold together) needs nothing but his word to destroy evil. And he will. (Well maybe the brightness of his appearance). Even so COME LORD JESUS(sorry for the buzzkill heathen…not in a joking mood).

  29. avatar SpeleoFool says:

    Wait, do you suppose his conviction for blasphemy would disqualify him on a 4473? Is Jesus the type of guy to skirt background checks by going through a private sale?

  30. avatar live says:

    Nothing hes fake dumbasss

    1. avatar jwm says:

      As opposed to a real dumbass. Thanks to the adhominem ban I won’t call any names.

  31. avatar Prm says:

    A squirt gun with holy water….. I saw this take out a vampire.

  32. avatar Spaceman Brown says:

    Jesus wouldn’t have carried anything because jesus is fictional.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      Says the fictional spaceman.

  33. avatar MiketheHopsFarmer says:

    I don’t know what he’d shoot, but I’m certain it’d take 3 days to reload….

  34. avatar Phil LA says:

    R51. And it would work perfectly.

  35. avatar William Burke says:

    Jesus would shoot wine into the faces of apostates. From a Super Soaker! 😉

  36. avatar Indiana Tom says:

    Being from Nazareth he might have a Galil.

  37. avatar Billy-bob says:

    Plasma rifle in the 40 watt range.

  38. avatar Geoff PR says:

    A ‘Finger of God’ tornado, of course…

  39. avatar Rick K. says:

    I’m thinking something on a single point sling to go under his robe. FN P90, Robinson Armament Micro XCR, Knight’s Armament SR635 or other form of PDW.

  40. avatar AznMike says:

    Awww, is no one gonna reference Black Lagoon? They had this exact question where one of the protagonists, Revy, says he’s carry a Jericho 941 while her frienemy, Eda, claims it would be a Glock.

    1. avatar Anonymoose says:

      I gotta agree with Revy on this one. Eda is just a Glock fangirl.

  41. avatar Roymond says:

    Why would He need a gun? He cursed a fig tree and it withered…..

  42. avatar iCONOCLAST says:

    Man, Farago, you are obsessed with Christians.

  43. avatar Mrbadnews says:

    …I thought Jesus said to sell you cloak and buy a Winchester lever gun..

  44. avatar Bill Kohnke says:

    This debate somehow reminds me of that old 90’s Zima commercial (remember that beverage?) where the two pool players are trying to chose between Mary Ann, Ginger, and Jeannie. Frankly Robert, I think a variation of that theme would make a more interesting discussion, and be just about as useful (sarc). So which TV character would you want to be stranded with with, and what would she (he?) carry?

  45. avatar Tal says:

    4 inch or 6 inch Colt Python.

  46. avatar tsbhoA.P.jr says:

    something big enough to move boulders.

  47. avatar The Trouble with Timbo says:


  48. avatar Ironbear says:


    Everyone knows that “Blessed is the Peacemaker.”

    Jesus would carry a Colt Single Action Army. Duh. 🙂

    1. avatar jwm says:

      LOL. I think we over thought this one.

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