P320 Entry: If I Were a Gun…

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By Ellie K.

My husband LOVES guns. The only way he could possibly love them more is if they had my boobs and blonde hair. In fact, he is watching a gun video right now. His Instagram is flooded with pictures of his guns disassembled on my breakfast table. Pictures of his gun being gently held in the palm of his hand. Videos of him tenderly caring for his weapons . . .

Every date we go on…it’s there. When we cuddle on the couch, watching a flick…she’s right there. She just sits on the coffee table and mocks me. Who does she think she is?!

If I was a gun, I would be a sexy Salient Arms G19. I would look my husband’s SIG MK25 in the face and ask her to excuse herself. I’m the one who is going to be flooding his Instagram now. I’ll be the one he tenderly caresses. It’s me who will get a bath after every outing. The breakfast table better get ready for a photo shoot, because I’m about to be on it.

If I happen to win this gun, my husband will be the one with competition. He will be jealous of my Instagram. I’ll bring that sucker on every date. Try and hold my hand…you can’t! There’s a gun in it.



  1. avatar Charles5 says:

    I do not understand the point of Instagram…or any social media really.

    1. avatar William Burke says:

      Don’t even try. Musicians and such find them useful. I kinda understand, in a way. Keep the fans feeling “in touch”. Everyone else that uses them is a wannabe.

      1. It’s time for you two grandpas to take your fiber pills.

        1. avatar Charles5 says:

          Paul, I am easily 20, if not 30 years your junior.

        2. avatar gloomhound says:


      2. avatar Alex B says:

        there’s too much truth in that statement

    2. avatar mb says:

      although i realize the uses of social media networks, i can’t help but feel that with the advent of fb, twitter, instagram, etc. we’ve lost something very sacred – our sense of privacy.

      there used to be a time where people would value sharing the occurrences in their day-to-day lives and other personal information with only family and close friends. such values have largely disappeared, in particular with my generation.

      1. avatar lolinski says:

        I don’t understand instagram, and I am not even 20 yet. I mean, sure you can use it to mess around (like I and my friends have done) but those oppportunities aren’t very common.

    3. avatar neiowa says:

      Promulgated in order too separate the Wall Street “smart money” from their capital. Would be very had to get them to buy tulip bulbs. Otherwise the social diseases are mindless crap.

  2. TTAG might be considered social media.

    1. avatar William Burke says:

      I get your point, but no. Not really. Or maybe. Who cares?

      1. avatar Drew says:

        Blogging, especially with an active readership that contributes daily is certainly social media. The only substantial difference between TTAG and TTAGs facebook page is the hosting agent.

        1. avatar Phydeaux says:

          That and the fact that Facebook hoovers up every minuscule detail of your life to sell to others. TTAG doesn’t do that… do they?

  3. avatar Excedrine says:

    Finding something you can both be passionate about is a win-win for everybody, especially when it’s something as important as having to do with your civil rights. A right that gives actual teeth to all of your other rights, like the right to keep and bear arms, is doubly important.

    It will most certainly bring you two closer anyway, and may just make him jealous enough to focus more on you after all. ^.~

  4. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

    The photo had me.
    Then the short read.


    1. avatar Jack Flag says:

      You’re a “foot man”, huh Tom?

  5. avatar John L. says:

    I was with this right up to the last two sentences. That just came across kind of … creepy. Or overly confrontational. Or both.

    1. avatar Rich Grise says:

      Silly me. I would have simply offered to hold the other hand. 🙂

  6. avatar Jonathan - Houston says:

    I don’t understand this article. She’s proclaiming, in a contest for a Sig handgun, that she identifies best with another make of firearm that would kick her husband’s Sig handgun to the curb? I don’t get it. This doesn’t do it for me.

    1. avatar Drew says:

      Its called honesty?

    2. avatar Sean N says:

      The contest isn’t about shilling for SIG.. It’s about content.

      Not sure I care for “The Vagina Monologues” with a gun theme… but hey, everybody’s different.

      1. avatar Jonathan - Houston says:

        You’ve swung too far to the opposite end. I get the content intent. Hell, I provide content, myself, for this site in the comments nearly every day. Many others do, too, for fun and for free. It just struck me as an odd, unnecessary angle for the writer to take; even a tad inadvertently disrespectful to the sponsors.

        Communication starts with connection with the listener, and the writer didn’t connect with me. Oh well, everyone’s a critic, I guess. It’s still great that the writer is involved and out there and part of the community. I hope she keeps reading, keeps writing and keeps exercising her rights.

  7. avatar Cathi k says:

    I loved it and I get where she is coming from! You can understand it unless you live it but she did awesome job! Hope you win Ellie K

  8. avatar JeffR says:

    I really like it.

  9. avatar Sabrewolfe says:

    Hilariously tongue-in-cheek. I love it. Wouldn’t vote it as the best article, but I’m kinda hoping she wins the random draw.

  10. avatar The Brotherhood of Steel says:

    If I were a gun I’d be a M-29 Davey Crockett.

  11. avatar Ralph says:

    If I was a gun I’d be a Tavor, because even though it’s kinda short it has a full-length barrel.

    1. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

      Pencil barrel?

      1. avatar Ralph says:

        Bull barrel. For heavy loads.

  12. avatar Phil says:

    “My husband LOVES guns. The only way he could possibly love them more is if they had my boobs and blonde hair.”


    1. avatar Col. Angus says:

      I’m going to need some evidence….

  13. avatar Aaron says:


    “My husband LOVES boobs. The only way he could possibly love them more is if they had my handguns and night sights”.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      Guns are better than boobs, because guns don’t print in your Shoprite’s frozen food section.

      1. avatar Aaron says:

        Leave it to Ralph to start a sub-category; ‘Why guns are better than boobs’:

      2. avatar Ing says:

        I think that’s actually a point in the other direction.

      3. avatar OODAloop says:

        And with guns, you can use the same holster day after day. No need to have one for each day of the week and a special one for dates…

    2. avatar dutchroo says:

      Are you Ellie K’s husband?

  14. avatar Ed Rogers says:

    Great effort, thanks!

  15. avatar Sock Monkey says:


    Put down the bottle.

  16. avatar Dan A says:

    Salient G19? Setting your sights pretty high on that one. They’re neat and all but for that kinda scratch you could do a Nighthawk, Wilson, et al 1911. Not to start a Glock vs 1911 debate but a 3000 dollar Glock is a tough pill to swallow. But heck if you really wanna make him feel bad about his Mk25 get a SIG X-Five!

  17. avatar Allskillnoluck says:

    If I was a gun I’d be an M1911A1 ‘Murica!

  18. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    I like guns. I LOVE boobs.

  19. avatar Kevin A. says:

    If I were a gun, I’d be one of those Kel-Tec .308 bullpups.

    Hard to find, only works sometimes, expensive to take out, but rather interesting.

  20. avatar Patrick says:

    G19? Sexy? Hmmm… Must ponder on this for a little while.

    I would be a desert eagle .50; big, obnoxious and ultimately useless… But intimidating and able to make you laugh. 😛

    1. avatar Great Scot says:

      Click on the hyperlink and the G17/19 (I’m not sure which) is seriously nice. For a Glock, that is. I’ve seen nicer though.

  21. avatar Dave Keller says:

    Ellie is my wife and she’s a funny lady. I was writing an article for this contest and she was saying she wanted to write one. So I encouraged her to write this tongue in cheek piece. I guess some people think it’s strange but I’m sure a lot of wives would find something like this funny. I’m however bias. 🙂

  22. avatar Cam says:

    I’m sure my wife would write a similar article. Switch the pistol out for the cash and she’d be down.

  23. avatar Justin_GA says:

    I like guns, but I LOVE my wife. I never post pictures though, since your are asking for someone to pull GPS coordinates from that smartphone camera picture and rob you.

  24. avatar Great Scot says:

    Instagram….Holy bajeezus, I hate instagram…And facebook…And twat-I mean twitter…And pretty much all social media…
    But what the hell is this post about anyway? It seems to me like this wife is saying: ” F**k you, hubby!” I don’t understand this at all.

    1. avatar Great Scot says:

      …And if I were a gun, I’d be a classic 1911, old school but packs a punch.

  25. avatar PeterK says:

    I lol’d. Nicely written, haha. 🙂

  26. avatar Frankster says:

    I do NOT appreciate getting spammed by your web page TWICE with some bogus web page trying to get me to update my Java. Not cool at all dammit!

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