Scene from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (courtesy
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In the trailer for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom below, dinosaurs menace humans. Specifically, Chris Pratt, a babe and some other guy. SPOILER ALERT: both men and beast are menaced by a volcano. (That’ll learn ’em.) I’m with‘s Scott Wampler: it’s time to stop the chase scenes and weaponize the damn dinosaurs. Here’s his open letter to the Jurassic Park series’ stewards, Cut The Bullshit And Make The Dinosaurs Shoot Machine Guns . . .

Last night, Universal unveiled the first full trailer for JA Bayona’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Fan reactions to the trailer have been mixed for all the usual reasons – some folks consider the storyline ridiculous, others aren’t thrilled at how “small” the footage looks, still others would prefer if the film leaned more heavily on animatronics versus CGI – but my beef with the film is far more specific: namely, it does not appear that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom‘s dinosaurs will shoot machine guns.

This is complete and total bullshit.

We are now five films into the Jurassic Park franchise, and though the series has flirted with the idea of turning into an over-the-top creature feature before (most notably back in 2004, when John Sayles turned in a script for Jurassic Park IVthat would’ve involved genetically-engineered, bipedal dinos that wore bullet proof armor and had gizmos strapped to their heads which let humans control them as living weapons) and hinted at the possibility of dinos being bred as war machines (see: the original Jurassic World), we have yet to see the Jurassic Park movie that should’ve been made years ago: the one where dinosaurs wield machine guns.

Why would dinosaurs have machine guns? Why wouldn’t they?

We’ve already seen dinosaurs stomping through forests, tearing apart cars, ripping people limb-from-limb in mid-air, menacing children in an industrial kitchen, escaping their enclosures, learning to open doors, eating whole cows, attacking San Diego, and – in one particularly memorable encounter – a T-Rex somehow killing everyone aboard a gigantic shipping freighter.

Some of these gags have been recycled between Jurassic entries, and they have long since lost their flavor. If I have to see one more goddamn Jurassic Park movie where a bunch of humans flee across a field amidst a dinosaur stampede I will scream until my vocal cords give out. Diminishing returns does not even begin to cover it.

My solution to this problem, then, is to heavily arm the dinosaurs. Preferably with machine guns, but I’m also open to bazookas, shotguns, crossbows and possibly even various types of laser-based weaponry. Basically, I want a Jurassic Park movie that looks like this:

A scene from Dino riders (courtesy

I submit to you that this image, an advertisement for the only-’80s-kids-will-remember Dino Riders (#never4get), is better than the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom trailer, and may prove to be better than the final film, as well. It is more colorful, more dynamic, and – as you can clearly see – it features dinosaurs who have been equipped to fire lasers and rockets at each other. The brilliant minds behind Dino Riders were pioneers, and understood implicitly that the excitement that comes from seeing dinosaurs in action can only last for so long. Eventually you’re gonna need to give them an upgrade, like rocket launchers and laser-cannons.

It’s baffling to me that a franchise that’s already playing around in the realm of pulpy sci-fi (genetic modifications, secret labs, dinosaurs being bred specifically for use in guerilla warfare) has refused to take the next obvious step. Is this a case of Universal being too precious with its IP? Is someone over there concerned that audiences might stop taking the Jurassic franchise “seriously” if it were to take a much-needed detour into the realm of the absurd? Do the gatekeepers of this franchise honestly believe that audiences will continue to show up in perpetuity for unarmed dinosaurs?

I, for one, will not, and have decided to put my money where my mouth is: I will see JA Bayona’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and if it does not feature a scene where a dinosaur uses a machine gun (or a bazooka, or a crossbow, or maybe a gattling laser-cannon), I will have no choice but to sit out the future films in this franchise until someone does what needs to be done. I’m sorry it’s come to this, Jurassic Park, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

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  1. Ok I’ll play. Let’s also have the dinosaurs start developing human like intellegence and building weapons, coming up with devious plans of global domination from a base in the center of the earth.

  2. If I couldn’t get sharks with frikkin’ laser beams mounted on their heads what makes you think you can get dino’s with lasers?

    And why do the dino’s need armor. According to the movies they’re naturally bulletproof and guns in the hands of the humans are always useless.

    • “If I couldn’t get sharks with frikkin’ laser beams mounted on their heads what makes you think you can get dino’s with lasers?”

      I’ve *got* it!


      ‘Global Warming’ spawns combination hurricane-tornadoes sucking up and spitting out sharks with lasers on their heads and Dinos with really bad attitudes.

      It can be Harvey Winstein’s chance for redemption…

    • I think it depends on how you look at it. I saw the original in theaters, having previously read the book, with my dad when I was nine. First movie I ever went to. It’s a freaking masterpiece.

      That doesn’t mean the other movies are bad, they’re just not as good but really, it’s not a fair comparison. You wouldn’t go to the Louvre, view a couple Rembrandt and da Vinci paintings and then write off every other piece of oil on canvas in the place as not worth seeing, would you?

      • “I saw the original in theaters … First movie I ever went to”

        I feel a combination of envy and sadness for you that the bar started so high.

    • Yes! Samurai Cat! Why is Pixar not working on a movie series based on those books I want to know?

    • No kidding. This movie just looks terrible. And the entire concept is just asinine. They’re genetically engineered species made from extinct creatures. Why exactly would anyone spend so many lives just trying to save a few of them? If nothing else… take samples and make more of them, if they’re that damn important.

  3. I’d rather see a remake for Forbidden Planet, THEM, NAVY vs the Plant monsters, It challenged the World, Day of the Triffids–done right., or It came from outer space ,etc…Or many of the untapped scifi books from the 50’s -70’s…Such as, The Voyage of the Space Beagle, The Weapon shops of isher–by A.G. Van Vogt., Fred Saberhagen’s The Bezerkers, The Bolo Wars, Demon Planet, etc…And many more…..Not Silly Dinos…..

  4. Based on the trailer I think I they are planning to go the planet of the Apes route. This Movie they are saving dinos from the Island. They will save the dinos and bring them to the mainland and try to create a reserve. Next movie Dinos escape again into the wild but now they are on the continent. The following movie takes place years later, and the escaped dinos have now become very dominate, and things have taken a post apocalyptic vibe with humans hiding in walled cities under threat of Dinos breaking in.

  5. Birds.
    Birds are the modern descendants of dinosaurs right? And what do we do with Birds?
    We hunt them. Domesticate them. Keep them in the yard and watch them scratch. Put small ones in cages for our amusement and teach them to say naughty words. And best of all, we EAT them.
    It might not make for very entertaining viewing at a theater, but tell me y’all wouldn’t like to see a world where we humans use dinosaurs the same way we do their feathered decendants.

  6. I guess you want the raptor to reenact Scarface?

    Come to think of it, that would probably be the best action flick ever made. A cocaine addicted raptor bred for guerrilla warfare escapes from a reserve and fights the U.S. army! Story will be garbage, but the action will be superb. The ultimate B-movie.

  7. In the last Jurassic Park, douchebag was shooting a Marlin 45-70 with an apparently inexhaustible magazine at a douchebag dinosaur that apparently didn’t get any injury from this.

    Sorry folks, even dinosaurs would be easy meat for the right rifle.

    We kill blue whales pretty easily and they are bigger than any dinosaur was.

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