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Dave Barry (courtesy

I like Ralph [not shown]. Ralph is a friend of mine. Ralph is a friend of ours. And Ralph reckons there’s no need to be respectful of gun control advocates’ sensibilities. He’s happiest getting down in the gutter with them and giving gun grabbers both barrels – metaphorically speaking. As for whether or not gun rights advocates should tone down their rhetoric so as not to scare the firearms fence straddlers, well, that’s just not Ralph’s nature. Nor, apparently, Dave Barry’s. I have pretty daughters and a sense of humor. But I wouldn’t wear it. Not because Austinites would be offended – as some would be. Because funny T-shirts tell a joke and . . . stay there, long after you “got it.” Saying that, I would definitely wear it around the house, especially when my daughters’ boyfriends were around. Trust but intimidate. [h/t CN]

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  1. Love Dave Berry – he’s a good but twisted man…

    Heres another I like:

    Dads Against Daughters Dating
    “shoot the first one and the word spreads fast”

    I get what you mean about discreet wear, living here in PC Kali…
    Pretty sad when you dont trust your neighbors to get the joke, or worse- use it against you.

  2. Dave Barry is awesome. I’ve been reading him for years.

    Side note, I have some copies left.
    “Application for permission to date my daughter” I actually handed a couple out.

  3. Because my beautiful, single daughter is older than most of the readers of this blog, I can appreciate Dave Barry’s sentiment but not his message.

    My message: Go ahead and date my daughter. The wedding’s on me.

      • Dude, think carefully about that inquiry. If she’s got a wit like Ralph your kid’s gonna need years of therapy and your Thanksgiving dinners are gonna be hell.

        • No, do it! Send him to Thanksgiving! Have him bring back the recipe for the corn bread!

        • What would be cruel and unethical in the name of science can be hilarious in the name of family.

        • your Thanksgiving dinners are gonna be hell

          Negative, ropingdown. At Thanksgiving, I do the cooking. It’s paradise with a fork.

  4. I really like Dave Barry, too. It’s interesting that he has these views and expresses them, but is also in a band with Stephen King, who has a very different view.

    • Don’t need the clip, have the speech memorized. Along with my highly inked, ZZ Top bearded, rocker brother-in-law. Occasionally family can be VERY useful 🙂

      • I read one of his collections in HS English class once. Teacher didn’t know whether ti be happy I read reading or mad for disrupting.

      • Ditto. I usually cringe when I see the names of writers I like on this site, as it tends to mean I now have to contend with their anti-gun views (I’m look at you, Mr. Steven-Got-Me-Into-Guns-In-The-First-Place-With-The-Dark-Tower-Series King). This is a welcome change.

    • Dave Barry is the Mark Twain of the late 20th Century. His crazy looks at life WILL often make you laugh until you cry.
      If you’re ever in a bad mood, need to recover from an illness or want to learn about “Babies and Other Hazards of Sex”, grab one of his books.

  5. “Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any . . . thoughts . . . about huggin’, or . . . kissin’, you remember these words: ‘I’ve got no problem going back to prison.'” – Bill Engvall

    The 14-year-old daughter of a friend brought her boyfriend to a 4,000+ attendee Science Fiction convention we all go to every year. She presented him to me and I told him I was delighted to meet him. Then I added “Understand this, if you make her cry then I will make you cry.” He nodded and agreed, saying that he’d heard variation on that theme quite a few times that weekend.

    Oh, and for those who don’t know, I am 6’5″, 300+ pounds with a shaved head and big red/grey beard. Also my heart surgeon commented that I had the biggest chest cavity she had ever seen.

      • Scary Smart. Which should be self-evident to anyone who has ever read one of his rebuttals to gun control. I ever see him show up at the opposite side of the debate table, I’m excusing myself to visit the the loo and ain’t coming back.

    • my heart surgeon commented that I had the biggest chest cavity she had ever seen.

      Which is a lot better than a trauma surgeon telling you that you had the biggest cavity in your chest she had ever seen.

    • Does the 14-year-old daughter have a gun of her own yet? Since I’ve never been married and have no kids, I’m an expert on the subject </irony?>, I believe by the time a woman is old enough to go to the corner store alone, she should be able to take care of herself. If every woman in the country were armed and trained, there would be no rape.

  6. Every time you’re a jerk to a boyfriend you will just push her further into his arms, FWIW.

    Not that I mind.

    • Let’s be realistic. Barry surely knows the T-shirt is nothing but a date-magnet for his daughters. He’s not stupid.

  7. Actually pretty girls with concealed carry permits that are being attacked are the people that should be on the shirt.

    • Fella. Get a clue. A daughter is a fathers property. The most important there is.

      And stop using wimpy newage progressive BS “words”. misogyny – I'[m sure all are very impressed by your CNN vocabulary.

      • This is trollenglocke. He likes to comment on areas he has no clue in. He’s a single man with no kids, if he’s been truthfull. But he’ll give you advice on how to raise your kids.

        • “I did my best parenting before I had kids”… Baby Blues…. Haven’t read Dave Barry in years… Like 16 of them…. How old is he? Sin?

        • This is trollenglocke. He likes to comment on areas he has no clue in.

          Which is why he comments about everything.

      • Property? Wtf? Calm down with the ageism. Also how does a mutual relationship between a guy (or maybe gal?) and one’s daughter threaten her?

      • As predicted, the dirty old rednecks that are attracted to their own daughters come out to promote why girls belong to “the man of the family”. It’s sad, really. And illegal.

        Thankfully, your generation is dying out and in a couple of decades gun owners won’t rightfully be labeled as men who view women as inferior.

        • And then the know it all, pompous, twits will inherit the earth…

          You and your people will finally have a home unto yourselves.

        • Once our generation dies out I doubt there’ll be any gun owners left in a couple of generations or less. There are some exceptions but as a rule the youngsters nowadays are lazy, short attentioned span gamebois that are only interested in their own creature comforts.

          Raising a kid is a hard job. A lot of your generation is opting out because it’s hard. Won’t be long your generation will be lonely and helpless old losers that are easy prey to any country that decides they want this place.

        • “easy prey to any country that decides they want this place.”

          Two things wrong with your scenario: One, what you predict is very unlikely because there are, in fact, young people who aren’t dumb as a socialist, you just don’t hear about them through the Ministry of Truth, and the fact that if the socialists really do take over, “this place” won’t be worth bothering to conquer because the whole country would be a cesspit.

        • Now now, I tend to agree with you. I’ll never get the clear fear of sex and sexuality dad’s have. I plan on raising my daughters so they can handle themselves when they get with guys. My sons so they respect the girls they get with. Not this “oh my god my daughter can’t ever see a penis and enjoy sexual pleasure!” and “my son will plow all the whores and get loads of sex!” attitude that is too prevalent.

          However, I would hesitate to call these guys rednecks attracted to their daughters. Even liberal fathers generally have this attitude, though it may not be as strong. It’s an anti-sex attitude honestly. I don’t buy into it.

        • I don’t think it’s anti-sex, at least it’s not from my point of view. You can trust your daughter to make the right decision, but you (being a man, so you know) can trust that the boy in question very likely will do everything in his power to sway her decision. You’re simply letting him know that you are there to backstop your daughter’s resolve.

        • jwm, it was a lot easier being young when old farts just stayed on their porches and yelled “get off my lawn!” Now you guys have discovered the interwebz…I even used to have some level of respect for you before that comment.

        • WHAT’s ‘illegal’, Trollenglock? But you won’t be specific, because, as always, you got nothin’. Except a billion half-assed opinions, that is.

    • Lighten up, Francis. Nothing misogynistic about a father protecting his daughters. Humor is often the best way to get the point across.

  8. The first time my daughter brought her boyfriend to church, she introduced him to our minister. The 6’2′, 280 pounder told him, “If you ever make her cry, I will break 27 bones in your body!”
    Preacher’s got my back.

  9. “Ralph is a friend of mine. Ralph is a friend of ours.”

    I’m confused. Is Ralph a made guy or not?

    (For those unaware, in mafia circles, introducing one made man to another, the phrase “friend of ours” is used, to indicate business can be discussed in front of him. When introducing a lesser ranking associate or business partner to a made man, the phrase used is “friend of mine,” indicating business should not be discussed in front of him.)

    • Ralph is just the kind of guy that goes from “lesser ranking associate” to “made man” that quickly.

  10. As the father of two beautiful young daughters I have considered replacing my entire wardrobe with variants of this shirt. The young men and boys who step through my door should have a healthy fear of the father (and mother) on the other side of the door. I have often been found by various solicitors who have come calling at my door to find me cleaning various firearms and speaking from experience it does have the desired effect. It just doesn’t seem like enough. Add to that the inevitable conflict with the daughter and there is still some attention that needs to be paid to raising a well adjusted lady who has the ability to conduct herself around boys. Here is what I have come up with. My wife is in full agreement and my daughters (while they still dread the thought of having us around their boyfriends) accept this compromise with the smile that always graces their beautiful faces when talking about range time.

    The first date is always a trip to the range with the family! A great deal can be learned about the young man/boy your daughter is interested in in a setting where great responsibility and respect is required. Learned by the parents the daughters and their suitors. This is accomplished while at the same time educating my daughters beau on a few very important key points. 1) Daddy doesn’t miss. 2) Momma doesn’t miss either. 3) The brothers are pretty good too. 4) (most important of all) My little girl doesn’t miss either. They all fear me at first site anyway. A healthy fear of the young lady he hopes to date is even more valuable. The lesson here is hopefully that dad is the least of his worries, and it is all learned during what should be a very fun outing for all.

    All kidding and fatherly instinct aside, in the end it comes down to the only thing that truly matters. Did we teach our children to know right from wrong. More importantly did we empower them with the intestinal fortitude to act on it when nobody is around to lend their strength. My first date is simply designed to make them second guess getting pushy with my girls. Sort of help level the playing field.

    • The only potential problem I see with that is depending on how often and variously your daughters date, that could be letting a veritable parade of young men know that you own multiple firearms in some quantity. Not all of those guys will turn out to be upstanding citizens, which could lead to problems down the road.

      I’m not saying stop doing what you’re doing, but please ensure your stuff is well-secured.

      • Excellent advice. The gun thefts in our subdivision have had two things in common: they were all inside jobs with no breaking & entering, and involved a teenager in the house (of either sex) who was a blabbermouth.

        Wasn’t blessed with children myself, but a father who is protective of his daughters has my fullest admiration. Now, Glenn Beck or somebody says his girls won’t be allowed to date until they’re thirty. Don’t know ’bout dat.

  11. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to teach the girl how to shoot effectively if necessary? Or raise her with enough wisdom to distinguish a decent guy from a rapist?

  12. I love this blog. Hell, this is the only blog that I come to on a daily basis and with that having been said I humbly request that Mr. Farago quit with the sensitivity training. I am surrounded by that sort of madness constantly with TTAG being one of my brief moments of respite. I am sure that this will be deleted under the new posting policy so I don’t expect anyone to read this other than “he who cuts” but, one has to ponder, what is the point? There is no convincing an anti-gunner of anything contrary to their own pea-brained views. Under any circumstances. I should know. I have been trying to convince my sister since birth that books with facts are more important than uninformed supposition and innuendo, to no avail. So, I am expected (asked really) to NOT make a joke about or say directly to them that they are idiots and morons? I am merely informing them of what they seem to not know: THEY ARE COMPLETE IDIOTS. That is why they can’t take a joke and the very same reason why facts eternally elude them. I don’t need sensitivity training any more than you or anyone else here.

    • Zimmerman removed a post last night that even HE admitted contained nary an ad-hominem. He just didn’t like it.

      Once people get a taste of being a hall monitor, they have a way of going off the rails entirely.

    • I don’t see anything wrong with a no-flamewar policy. The board is open to the public, after all, and I’d think that the owners would like to maintain a certain amount of decorum – like a ‘publick house’ where two brawling drunks would be unwelcome until they learn to behave like grownups.

      And really, if you can’t express yourself with ardor and passion without using unseemly language, perhaps a remedial course in creative writing might be indicated. 😉


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