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By Wallace Schwam, MD

The Lone Ranger was arrested in Lone Pine, California today for the crime of illegally transferring silver bullets. The famed masked man had just apprehended an armed felon after shooting the gun out of his hand. As was his practice for the last eighty years, he gave a silver bullet to the outlaw’s victim.

She was a kindly old widow who was robbed and held captive by the desperado. This lady, grateful that her life and property were restored, treasured the silver bullet as a symbol that justice was done.

The trouble started when she showed the bullet to her weekly garden club. Upon seeing the gleaming memento, one lady fainted. Another lady gasped that they were all going to die. A third lady, who was also a member of CHA (California Hysterics Anonymous), warned that where there was a bullet there had to be a gun. During the shocked silence an attendee desperately summoned the Sheriff on her cell phone.

When the Sheriff heard their story he struggled to stifle a laugh. He knew the old gentleman on the big white horse.  He also appreciated how many criminals the Lone Ranger had captured over the years. However, since California voters passed Proposition 63, he had to uphold the law.

Predictably, he found the masked man enjoying a Near Beer at the Dry Gulch Saloon back in town.

“Thanks for helping old widow Smith,” he said, “but did you really give her a silver bullet?”

“Yes,” replied the Lone Ranger, “after all that’s my trademark.  Got a problem with that?”

“Well, yes,” hesitated the sheriff. “Ya see . . . under Proposition 63, you’ve got to be a licensed firearms dealer to give anyone a bullet.”

“Are you kidding?” asked the Lone Ranger.

“Wish I was,” said the embarrassed sheriff, “and to boot whoever receives the bullet has to be registered with the Department of Justice.”

“Holy guacamole!” exclaimed the masked man. “Did I do anything else wrong?”

“Well,” said the sheriff, looking even more sheepish now, “there’s the little matter of you shooting a gun out of the outlaw’s hand.”

“What!” said the Lone Ranger. “If I hadn’t done that, the skunk would have plugged me for sure.”

“I know that,” admitted the Sheriff, “but he’ll probably sue you for failing to retreat and using unnecessary force. If they convict you, they’ll take your six-shooters away for good. Which reminds me, according to California law, your pistols have too large a capacity. If I were you, I’d convert those six-shooters into five-shooters as quick as you can.”

“Jumpin’ Junipers!” exclaimed the Lone Ranger. “I’d better tell this to my faithful Indian companion, Tonto.”

“Hold on,” said the Sheriff. “I need to remind you that Indians are now referred to as Native Americans.  We privileged male palefaces have got to remember that.”

As the Lone Ranger sat in shocked silence, the sheriff explained his rights and proceeded to take him in.



Upon being provided an attorney at state expense, the outlaw successfully sued the Lone Ranger.  He claimed that he could no longer work since he had suffered the permanent loss of his trigger finger. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom urged imposing the maximum sentence for possession of illegal ammunition and a firearm that exceeds lawful capacity.  He received a huge monetary award, forcing the Lone Ranger to sell the silver mine.

Tonto was deemed innocent but victimized by virtue of being a member of an oppressed minority.  He was given land by the state and now operates a very profitable casino.

After getting out of jail, the Lone Ranger could not find a job since he was now an ex-con.  Fortunately, Tonto lets him do light janitorial work at the casino and sleep in the basement.

Following the passage of Proposition 63, violent crime in California has steadily increased.  Lt. Governor Newsom advises troubled property owners to protect themselves by posting signs that say:

Keep Out—Gun Free Zone

Lawyer on Call


Wallace Schwam, MD is a retired internist with interests in geriatrics and pharmacology who trained at Duke University. He rated expert in marksmanship in the Army and continues to enjoy hunting and tactical training with handgun, rifle and shotgun. 

This post originally appeared at and is reprinted here with permission.

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  1. This must have been an imposter because the real Lone Ranger resides in Chicago. He is a graduate of Gale Elementary and Senn High.

  2. Satire failed. Seeing as California is a stand your ground jurisdiction, and even stupid prop 63 doesn’t prevent giving a bullet away.

  3. Fine post. Does anyone remember the joke featuring the Lone Ranger and Tonto that ends with Tonto asking, “Who’s ‘we’, paleface?” Every time I hear a certain person on radio say “we,” that is the question I ask myself.

    • The only Lone Ranger joke I know is the one in which Tonto gets killed in a shoot-out with bad guys.

      The Lone Ranger calls over his trusty steed Trigger and tells the horse to go back into town and get help.

      30 min. later, Trigger returns with a whore on his back.

      The Lone Ranger screams at the horse: ” No, Trigger! I said posse!”

      • There was no hitching post at the bar, so the Lone Ranger told Tonto to keep both horses close, and run around them to make sure they wouldn’t escape. Lone Ranger was drinking a glass of sarsaparilla, when a man rushed in and asked, “Who owns the white horse and the paint?”

        Lone Ranger said, “The white horse is mine. What’s the problem?”

        The man replied, “You left your Injun running.”

    • The bare bones of the joke with the Lone Ranger and Tonto: the intrepid pair gets caught by some Natives and they recognize that they are about to breathe their last. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, and says, “Looks like we’re doomed, Tonto.” Tonto says, “What do you mean ‘we’, paleface?” I react the same way when I hear politicians speaking from the Washington pulpit purporting to speak for “us.” That joke, no longer funny.

  4. Well, this is what we get putting into and keeping in office FASCIST CONTROL FREAK hacks. As for the voting block, they mostly live with only their brain stems. That’s right IDIOTS. Now run off to your safe space.

  5. What if oil deposits were “discovered” along the California state line ? Could we begin intensive fracking ?


    • There was a *major* oil field on the Iraq side just inside the border with Kuwait and Iraq.

      The Kuwaitis put a *lot* of oil rigs just inside their border and used horizontal drilling to get at the oil.

      Some have speculated that was one of the reasons Iraq invaded Kuwait.

      As the Iraqis were driven out of Kuwait they set every one of those oil rigs on fire.

      And *that* made Texan ‘Red Adair’ a *very* wealthy man…

    • We want to begin intensive deep well injection, which appears to break faults free. Fracking is not dangerous seismically.

  6. I don’t believe(could be wrong) that casinos are allowed to hire convicted felons. Tonto would have to tell the ex con to go pound sand.

  7. Calif is a castle doctorine state. You may shoot someone in your house if they are threatening or you feel that they will harm your or yours. Stand your ground means you do not have to retreat, which is not the same.
    Even if you shoot someone in your yard, at the street, assaulting your spouse, you might just have a hard time trying to stay away from hard time.

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