By Jennifer Sensiba
Major events and emergencies like the coronavirus outbreak and national emergency tend to change the way we think. In the face of a global pandemic, even we libertarians and conservatives are thinking about the collective good over our individual situations.
As a result, we’re now tolerating government more control over broad swaths of our lives, and even entertaining the idea of sending everyone thousands of dollars of government money without crying, “socialism!”
So, in this spirit of cooperation in the face of grave threats to our way of life, it’s time for all of us to come together and compromise in order to get through these trying times.
There’s no reason this spirit of compromise shouldn’t extend to the topic of firearms, so in hopes of reducing the number of deadly civilian-owned guns on America’s streets and in our homes, I’ve compiled a list of all the firearms we are now willing to give up for the collective good.
The AR-14 Weapon of War
Ask any firearms expert. They’ll tell you that the AR-14 is an extremely unusual gun, one that could easily be deadly if you manage to get your hands on one. There’s really no debating on this point. The AR-14 is too unusual to really apply the same “common use” rules you’d apply to other guns.
I pledge to turn in or destroy all of mine.
Joe Biden to Michigan voter: “You’re full of shit.”pic.twitter.com/zayU6gh2Ml
— Steve Guest (@SteveGuest) March 10, 2020
The Virtually Invisible GLOCK 7
Yes, it’s expensive. It costs more than an airport security chief makes in a month! It’s a porcelain gun made in Germany, and what makes the GLOCK 7 so darn dangerous is that it doesn’t show up on metal detectors or X-ray scanners.
Don’t believe me? The pistol appears in the highly accurate film Die Hard 2, and you can see the bad guys sneak them into all sorts of places where guns don’t belong.
If I owned one, I’d give it up. Ask any gun owner, and I’m sure they’d be willing to give theirs up, too.
The Shockingly Powerful Noisy Cricket
This weapon is highly destructive and shockingly powerful, but not very controllable. It’s a tiny firearm, around the size of a common “pocket pistol” concealed carry gun, but it’s capable of blowing large holes in buildings and vehicles. Unfortunately, it has so much recoil that it can toss federal agents back dozens of feet.
Nobody needs a weapon like this, and even if you came up with some legitimate uses for one, nobody would want it anyway. The only thing it’s really good for is playing a dangerous prank on anyone you can convince to fire it.
The Obscure But Dangerous EM-33 Pistol
This is a very obscure gun, mostly because it’s still in development and might not be in common use for a long time. From what I’ve read, it fires plasma instead of bullets, meaning it would be the equivalent of having a magazine with hundreds of clips!
Worse, one must compensate for “particle drift,” making an EM-33 possibly very dangerous and uncontrollable without the proper special training.
The Popular But Problematic DL-44 Heavy Blaster
In historical use by smugglers and other anti-government extremists a long time ago, the DL-44 looks like any old broom handle Mauser, but is capable of penetrating soldiers’ body armor. During the time this was in use, it became illegal. One particular ne’er-do-well used his in part of a successful plot to destroy a key government facility.
The government really should take all of these they can find out of civilian hands.
I know that, in this spirit of cooperation, every firearm owner in the country is prepared to go through their gun safes and dig out any of the listed guns they may own. We would appreciate it if local authorities would tell us where to turn them in for either destruction or military/police use.
You cooperation in this effort will be appreciated.