By Jennifer Sensiba
Major events and emergencies like the coronavirus outbreak and national emergency tend to change the way we think. In the face of a global pandemic, even we libertarians and conservatives are thinking about the collective good over our individual situations.
As a result, we’re now tolerating government more control over broad swaths of our lives, and even entertaining the idea of sending everyone thousands of dollars of government money without crying, “socialism!”
So, in this spirit of cooperation in the face of grave threats to our way of life, it’s time for all of us to come together and compromise in order to get through these trying times.
There’s no reason this spirit of compromise shouldn’t extend to the topic of firearms, so in hopes of reducing the number of deadly civilian-owned guns on America’s streets and in our homes, I’ve compiled a list of all the firearms we are now willing to give up for the collective good.
The AR-14 Weapon of War
Ask any firearms expert. They’ll tell you that the AR-14 is an extremely unusual gun, one that could easily be deadly if you manage to get your hands on one. There’s really no debating on this point. The AR-14 is too unusual to really apply the same “common use” rules you’d apply to other guns.
I pledge to turn in or destroy all of mine.
Joe Biden to Michigan voter: “You’re full of shit.”pic.twitter.com/zayU6gh2Ml
— Steve Guest (@SteveGuest) March 10, 2020
The Virtually Invisible GLOCK 7
Yes, it’s expensive. It costs more than an airport security chief makes in a month! It’s a porcelain gun made in Germany, and what makes the GLOCK 7 so darn dangerous is that it doesn’t show up on metal detectors or X-ray scanners.
Don’t believe me? The pistol appears in the highly accurate film Die Hard 2, and you can see the bad guys sneak them into all sorts of places where guns don’t belong.
If I owned one, I’d give it up. Ask any gun owner, and I’m sure they’d be willing to give theirs up, too.
The Shockingly Powerful Noisy Cricket
This weapon is highly destructive and shockingly powerful, but not very controllable. It’s a tiny firearm, around the size of a common “pocket pistol” concealed carry gun, but it’s capable of blowing large holes in buildings and vehicles. Unfortunately, it has so much recoil that it can toss federal agents back dozens of feet.
Nobody needs a weapon like this, and even if you came up with some legitimate uses for one, nobody would want it anyway. The only thing it’s really good for is playing a dangerous prank on anyone you can convince to fire it.
The Obscure But Dangerous EM-33 Pistol
This is a very obscure gun, mostly because it’s still in development and might not be in common use for a long time. From what I’ve read, it fires plasma instead of bullets, meaning it would be the equivalent of having a magazine with hundreds of clips!
Worse, one must compensate for “particle drift,” making an EM-33 possibly very dangerous and uncontrollable without the proper special training.
The Popular But Problematic DL-44 Heavy Blaster
In historical use by smugglers and other anti-government extremists a long time ago, the DL-44 looks like any old broom handle Mauser, but is capable of penetrating soldiers’ body armor. During the time this was in use, it became illegal. One particular ne’er-do-well used his in part of a successful plot to destroy a key government facility.
The government really should take all of these they can find out of civilian hands.
I know that, in this spirit of cooperation, every firearm owner in the country is prepared to go through their gun safes and dig out any of the listed guns they may own. We would appreciate it if local authorities would tell us where to turn them in for either destruction or military/police use.
You cooperation in this effort will be appreciated.
lol April Fools fun for everyone!
No mention of the .9mm nor .88 Magnum?
No way I’d be willing to give up my DL-44. That things a classic. Accurate, and blow em off their feet deadly too….
[Translation – “yeah, but nothing beats a crossbolt blaster, so who cares if you shot first…I’ll shoot whenever I want and still win.”]
They can have my DL-44 Heavy Blaster when they peel in from my charred smoking hands!
Still, if it existed, a porcelain pistol might pass through a metal detector, but lots of non-metallic items are visible on X-ray (e.g., bones, tumors).
Obviously, any real cartridges would be detectable, depending on the sensitivity settings.
Bullets, no matter the material, would show because they are necessarily dense. But a plain cylinder shape (not conical) in a caseless design might just pass…..
I’m keeping my thermo nuclear device hooked to my heart detonator. If my heart stops, so do a lot of others.
You better go to great lengths to keep me alive.
You too?! I got a kickstarter program to help me stay alive. So far donations are a little weak, I may not make it.
I have one von Neumann machine hidden away for my demise. When I die the rest of the world becomes grey goo.
Too late. When René Descartes passed away back in 1650, everything else ceased to exist. What one currently perceives reality to be, is little more that a solipsistic illusion……
Cogito ergo sum
“Cogito ergo sum“
An enlightening thought indeed. Who’s to say what is truly so when reality, or rather the self awareness of said reality, exists within one’s own mind. Ironic that such a revelation came to a devout catholic in the 17th century.
Certainly more brilliant than Esoteric Inanity could comprehend, modern civilization truly has been built upon the shoulders of giants(e.g. John von Neumann).
I don’t remember the name of that story – I do remember he was an Aleut. It was one of the more – uhhhh – insane stories I have read. I may have to find it and read it again. Maybe it will seem less insane with the second reading.
It might be Snow Crash by Neil Stephenson. There is a character who is the chief harpooner of the Aleuts, and a character with a bike in his motorcycle sidecar.
I think the author is Mel Steppedinsum!
“I think the author is Mel Steppedinsum!”
Oh wow. Are you related to Dindunuffin?
There’s a similar theme in “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick.
This is the story upon which Total Recall was based.
What?, giving up AR 14s? Only from my cold dead hands.
April Fools ! LOL
It may come down to that my friend.
Many thanks to the author for making this list. I’ll take it immediately to The Speaker so we can take these weapons from dangerous people like 007.
Eric Swalwell 2020
Do whatever is necessary, just do not use you NUKES on me. My face mask may withstand Wuhan Virus, but i doubt it is rated to hold on to the smell of your nuclear blast Eric.
Mr. Swalwell, you’re just a fool on the first of every month.
I will admit that I am a fool once a month (for a few days in a row), but that regular cycle only occasionally happens on the 1st of the month.
Eric Swalwell 2020
I’d be willing to give up the BFG 9000 too…
Ah, fond memories of the original DooM. Fun was hex editing a file so I could outrun a rocket I just fired and get hit with it.
Keep your hands off my Noisy Cricket!
Ha! Well done. 👏🏻
The DNC(Democrat Nazi Committee) is turning against Biden. He is full of shit. He also has anger issues!! He can’t remember anything and pretty soon he will be drooling at every event!
Why wait for an event? :^)
Take just a second and think about this. We all know the tremendous job Mike Pence is doing in support of these efforts. Shift your thought now to see Biden in that position. That is scarier than the virus itself.
Whoa! That’s a splash of cold water in the face….brrrr.
Yup, Biden would be a complete, utter, F’up as a substitute for V.P. Pence.
If it weren’t for that boating accident…
Funny, all mine, as well as my AR 14 were lost in a boating accident also. Luckily I saved my wedding ring and a bottle of bourbon before being rescued. I’ve never been able to replace them. Let me know if you ever find yours but I’m sure mine have long been destroyed by the salt water.
Honorable mention to the Amban sniper rifle, the preferred weapon of bounty hunters.
This rifle was capable of vaporizing, electrocuting, and shooting enemies. The weapon utilized large quantities of blaster gas, such as Tibanna gas, many times more than a standard blaster. The energy beam fired by the rifle was generated in almost the same manner as the particle beam fired by a blaster, though the beam used much more blaster gas that would disintegrate a target on contact, cementing its reputation as a firearm to be feared. The front of the rifle was double-pronged, essentially acting as a taser if necessary, delivering a strong shock to opponents.
You can take my DL-44, but you leave me my lightsaber.
You can have my phaser when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.
I’d love to have an original. Way cool!
Can’t have my M41A pulse rifle.
I have to agree with all the “from my cold, dead hands” comments, and I’m keeping my phased plasma rifle in a 40 watt range, too.
Yeah, that should have made the list!
+1 Crimson Pirate! I came to the comments to say the same.
I’m not surprised it was left off the list, ain’t NOBODY gonna give up their phased plasma rifles. I don’t care what the wattage is. They are way too special.
Just what you see in the case buddy.
“Any of these are great for home defense, so what’ll it be, buddy?
“I get to close early today”
You sure know your weapons!
Not me man! I’m keepin my ak 56 and my invisible glock 95!
Me too. I’m keeping my .357 Atomic Mossberg Brownie.
There is another gun that should to be added to April foosl list:
Thanks for the post. That’s amazing.
I shall be keeping my rather extensive collection of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators.
+1 for the Marvin reference.
Oh, you have made me VERY ANGRY!
There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering ka-BOOM!
“As a result, we’re now tolerating government more control over broad swaths of our lives, and even entertaining the idea of sending everyone thousands of dollars of government money without crying, “socialism!””
Speak for yourself. IMO this whole pandemic thing was set up by dems and china working together on it to crash Trump’s good economy. Also ,notice how NY handled it 3 weeks ago? (“don’t let coronavirus stop you from your good times”). Now notice how Cuomo has changed his tune, and telling NYers he’s got everything in control ? yeah right. Closing places of employment, stay at home orders BS and closing gun stores. it’s all a trial run by dem synchophant governors to see how much socialism Americans will take before they say “Up yours”.
Well, I’m telling them now…Up yours.. I’m not going along with this crap. I’ll go where ever & whenever I want. And they can’t put me out of work eiither, I’m self employed. Screw ’em.
Whatever you’re smoking STOP. Save your tantrum for the damn chicoms who caused this.
Here is some reporting the U.S. media will not do (except the unhinged T.D.S. rant near the end).
This was well laid out, travel out of China was not restricted until after thousands, tens of thousands (?), left following their lunar holiday. This allowed the virus to spread/seed across the world. Only after ‘everyone’ left was the WuHan providence locked down and brought to some level of containment.
There should be a video here titled… “Whistleblowers silenced by China could have stopped global coronavirus spread | 60 Minutes Australia”.
The video will not post past the TTAG censorship, perhaps eventually, until/if then you will need to find it on youtube before it is removed..
Just don’t take my phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range or my .9mm.
Yeah April 1…it’s be funny if so many IDIOT’S didn’t believe these exixted!
I lost my DL 44. I was trying to make the Kessel Run in less than 4 parsecs….
I’m keeping my MP-35…along with two dozen bricks of nanite ammo. They can have it after the Consu pry my cold, dead, green fingers off’n it.
Have to be careful, Biden might read this and take it seriously.
Pretty sure Biden has forgotten how to read.
To this day I still wonder, “why would they give the newbie a derringer-sized of field artillery?”
I’d be willing to let my .9mm assault pistol go…
Yes. I’m tired of never finding any ammo for it. And making your own is tedious and I believe its causing me the eye strain and head aches I’m suffering from.
I never should have bought it in the first place. But who could resist that 3000 round mag capacity?
I’ll give up my EM-33, but don’t think about touching my Zorg ZF-1 Pod Weapon System.
Scotty, I’m not laughing anymore! Beam me up or I’ll send you back to the future!
“It costs more than an airport security chief makes in a month!”
You’d be surprised at what they make in a month!
I was lucky enough to acquire an AR-14 prototype, an extremely rare and very dangerous AR-13. And NO, it’s NOT FOR SALE !
Joe Biden wants it so bad, that he said he would trade me three ( 3 ) double-barrel 12- gauge shotguns for it.
AR-14, named after Biden’s IQ level! Hey how come no reports on all the Chinese working in Florence (cheap labor) producing made in Italy leather goods! Look it up! They just returned back from chinese new year in wohan! Lemmings are being lead by the bullshit artists not telling you the truth! Just watch Fox News you may learn to think for yourself!
Another idiotic, mindless screed by the anti-gun mob. These jerks keep trying to repeal the Second Amendment without the trouble of ratifying an actual amendment to the constitution. There isn’t a firearm in that list that, if I owned one, I would voluntarily give up. This is just another attempt to push “compromise”, where gun owners give, and anti-gunners take. Don’t fall for it. Demand that your elected delegate to The Federation put a stop to all these groups trying eliminate common sense firearms !
Ah, I miss my standard-issue “nuclear hand grenade” the North Koreans complained we were carrying to checkpoints in the Joint Security Area at Panmunjom inside the Korean DMZ (1984). Actually, they were personal Thermos’ full of coffee, which, if brewed just right, might have lived up to the Norks accusation.
Anyway, I’d give that up. The Thermos, not the coffee.
Regarding gun purchase “from home”, exactly how does or is that supposed to work. I would be interested in specifics. Thank you.
Exactly who is this “we” the lady speaks of, and by the way, concerning this AR-14, what is it.
Does anyone know if Quark is still in business on DS9 ? I need to stock up on Photon Torpedos, running low.
“I need to stock up on Photon Torpedos, running low.”
He only trades in Latinum Bars.
Gold press latinum, mind you.
“Gold press latinum, mind you.”
Yep, I forgot. My bad.
Gene, if memory serves, Quark(up and down) was sold to Gluon who after an offer by the Higgs Boson group sold it to them for an undisclosed amount that resulted in an unimaginable amount that produced a nostalgic profit too good to refuse……
OK, I give up!
I’ll give ya everything on the list but I have to say that my Noisy Cricket lost its charge and the solar flux capacitor on my roof just isn’t strong enough to bring it back.
It resides in an honored place on my mantle as an antique.
One time I took my NC snake hunting. Somehow I missed and hit the neighbors cows in the field next to the creek.
It was ugly to look at but Man, it sure smelled good!
Nobody but the dogs and cats were happy.
No ZORG ZF-1??
“No ZORG ZF-1??”
Oh, please. Get a life. That thing is completely made up; everybody knows it.
Nuh-Uh. It’s real.
“Nuh-Uh. It’s real.”
Sez yer ol’ lady. Nonie, nonie, nah, nah.
I was checking out my “Tantalus Field” just the other day and wondering if anyone should be allowed to have so much power. Eventually I decided that I was the only person on the planet responsible enough to own one so no, they can’t have it!!
“I was checking out my “Tantalus Field” just the other day and wondering if anyone should be allowed to have so much power. Eventually I decided that I was the only person on the planet responsible enough to own one so no, they can’t have it!! ”
Another elitist bully heard from.
But, but I had to move to this gated community with armed guards to protect the Field and, of course, for the children!
“But, but I had to move to this gated community with armed guards to protect the Field and, of course, for the children!”
To use the children justification, you must post pictures and bios here. If there isn’t video, it didn’t happen.
Uh huh, now who’s the elitist bully? Sounds like you’re saying “My way or the highway” to me. Besides my double exclamation points in the original post overrides your need to see photos & bios.
“Uh huh, now who’s the elitist bully? Sounds like you’re saying “My way or the highway” to me.”
Wrongo. I am one of the nattering nabobs of negativity noshing nonstop on the noblesse oblige.
Has anyone seen my cobalt bomb? I last saw it in the underground cave last week.
No, the last one was detonated in that Beneath the Planet of the Apes. They’re all gone now. Like, everything.
“They’re all gone now. Like, everything.”
Nope, converted into the “Blessing of the Bomb, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout”.
(Now I’m gonna have to torrent that entire series…)
What kid who grew up in the 70s didn’t love those movies?
The ‘Planet of the Apes’ series, disaster movies like ‘The Towering Inferno’, ‘Earthquake!”, and ‘The Posiden Adventure’.
And who can forget ‘Crack in the World’ :
“When Worlds Collide” (1954)
No, the last one was detonated in Beneath the Planet of the Apes. They’re all gone now. Like, everything.
Okay, TTAG? Why was this double-posted with one click? Wut da heck?
I let Ironhead used it to patch up his ship. It got pretty banged up when he tried to make the Kessel Run in less than 4 parsecs. The bomb casing made a perfect patch. It was so rusty, I didn’t think you’d mind. Sorry.
Make sure you tell him not to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
“Make sure you tell him not to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.”
That’s mean ! The reversal is the only way to return directly from the Delta Quadrant at less than Warp 9 (which is forbidden velocity).
Didn’t anyone get the Doctor Who reference?
Look, IF it will put an end to the gun-grabbing and the anti-2nd Amendment crowd will promise in WRITING to never, ever again attempt to take my guns, deny sales of certain types of ammo or restrict my rights to carry what I want, where I want, when I want (pinky swear required) then I will give up my AR14 and the Shockingly Powerful Noisy Cricket…. I lost my Popular But Problematic DL-44 Heavy Blaster in the Great Boating Incident of 2019 and I deny having ever owned an Obscure But Dangerous EM-33 Pistol or a Virtually Invisible GLOCK 7…. I’m afraid, however that I must draw the line at my John Kerry Special AR16… It took me years to find one… but I might be willing to throw in a well worn AK45.8 and a broken 1912 in 46 caliber (I can’t find parts for it anymore)… Does ANYONE really NEED a Shockingly Powerful Noisy Cricket?
They can have the one with “the shoulder thing that goes up”
For what it’s worth, I am unwilling to give up any weapon to the Hoplophobes be it real, science-fiction, only used by kids soaking their dad on the back lawn in an epic super-soaker ambush, imaginary dream guns I can’t afford anyhow or merely a non-working movie prop or otherwise.
Not even on April Fools Day.
I’ll be turning in my Salad Shooter. It jams anyway.
“. . .even we libertarians and conservatives are thinking about the collective good over our individual situations.”
Speak for yourselves, losers. The Constitution does NOT have a COVID-19 exception clause. That means you are NOT allowed to trample our RIGHTS regardless of the EXCUSE.
That top picture isn’t a joke, it’s an Argentina gun round up and destruction. Coming soon to a blue state near you.
I’m gonna turn in all my “clips”, as well as my “Dillenger.” Who needs them?
The only firearms I own are a Cobray Terminator and a Zip 22. They’ve both been sitting on my porch for months. No takers.
I was gifted a AR-14 after I confronted Joe Biden. I’m not giving it up.
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Super-duper! It’s great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same out of date rehashed material. Fantastic read.