Basic Bitch or Basic Witch, Everyone Has a Right to Armed Self-Defense

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And there’s no reason it can’t smell nice. No matter what Martha Stewart thinks.

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43 COMMENTS

  1. Pumpkin Spice gunpowder is all right with me…as long as I don’t start seeing it on the shelves in early August next to the “Early Bird Gets The Worm” Christmas tree sales.

    Pumpkin *anything* should start on October 1.

    November is for Autumn & harvest.

    Thanksgiving is for the entire weekend.

    Christmas decorations can go up the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend, but Peppermint Mocha, Burl Ives, Nativity scenes with Baby Jesus, and Ho Ho Ho don’t start until December 1.

    Home Depot starts putting everything out the first week of August, right in the middle of freaking summertime when we’re suffering 110-deg heat waves. Makes my eye twitch.

    • I have already fallen out with Home Depot. They leave the Festivus poles out all year long. Do you know offensive that is? And when I confronted the manager, he was using the excuse that some people desecrate our venerated object when they perform electrical work!

    • Lowes had Halloween stuff up in August.
      Now the Halloween stuff is over in the side isle and the Christmas stuff dominates the seasonal section.
      This year, I am not buying a dang thing.

    • “Pumpkin Spice gunpowder is all right with me…”

      I’m pretty sure it was here in TTAG someone was selling scented ammo (shotshells, maybe?) a few years back…

  2. I’ve always been with Denis Leary and a proponent of coffee flavored coffee. I’ll add some half and a half and maybe a little sugar, but if I want pumpkin spice, I’ll get some pie.

    • Carlos,

      Coffee flavored coffee!! Exactly!! No creme, no sugar, no hazelnut flavored high-fructose corn syrup. Cafe’ solo!

      BTW, this morning we drank Mike Lindell’s coffee. Extraordinary! ☕

      Infowars has been out of coffee for some time, so we purchased My Coffee. If you love coffee, you should try Mike Lindell’s java.

      Stew Peter’s is also selling a line of coffee:

      Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (WTF)
      Fresh Java Brew (FJB)

      I will definitely be buying those as Christmas presents.

      • The Haz likes himself some home brew with Vanilla Almond Milk creamer. Yes, he does.

        Starbux is too anti-freedom (and pro-rainbow) for my liking, and spending money frequently at *any* coffee house adds up quickly. So I brew a pot at home in the morning, pour in some creamer, and head on out to work.

        • Work supplies some okay coffee. Moccona Gold. It’s not as good as the coffee shop but being free is a big plus. And definitely not the stuff you get in 5 or 10 pound tins. Free milk too.

    • “…coffee flavored coffee…”

      Right on. We were in Costa Rica, and did a tour of the Cafe Britt coffee place. Fascinating, with fabulous coffee. One thing we learned is that the flavored coffees are often made with inferior beans that wouldn’t pass muster on their own and rely on the flavoring to mask the otherwise meh taste. Cheap coffee with 10 cents worth of added flavoring per bag, then sold for a premium profit. Marketing coup. If you want a really good flavored coffee, you should begin with a premium coffee that doesn’t need fixing, and then add your own flavors if you feel inclined to adulterate it.

      Full disclosure: I sometimes adulterate good coffee myself. Sometimes with a gob of ice cream, pick a flavor, or a scoop of coconut sugar.

      • hawkeye, that’s totally legitimate, as far as I’m concerned. There’s a dessert called affogato, short for affogato al caffe meaning “drowned in coffee”, which is a scoop of vanilla gelato with a shot of espresso poured over.

        Superb.

      • Baileys is the only cream allowed in my coffee. Maybe once a year. I prefer my coffee as black as my ex mother in laws heart and thick as molasses.

      • Not even ten cents worth of flavour to the bag, more like one tenth of a cent. The artificial chemical soup oils used are terrible for you.Real roasters hate them too. If you don’t have one roaster dedicated to the flavoured ones, the stink will taint your clean roasts. Near impossible to dislodge those artificial oils from the surfaces, etc, inside yur roaster. I never mess with them. None of the importers I use deal in them.THAT alone should scream something…..
        By far the greatest share of coffee drunk in this country is badly over-roasted, and so old it is rancid. And folks wonder how they get gastric reflux, hurting tummies, headaches, etc. Doctors tell them to quit coffee, and some do, but its not coffee itself, its the ruined form of it most people hereabouts buy and drink. All part of why I never could even swallow a mouthful for decades.. until someone properly roasted then brewed and served me FRESH quality coffee. That launched a monster……. I HAD to figure it out. Near twenty years on, I think I’ve figured out some small part of it.

        THEN there is the brew method but you can’t just go out and buy that in a box, unless you buy an automatic brewer (don’t bother with most of them… never make a good cup). But that would be a whole nuther discussion. Perhaps another time……

      • Yes, the inferior beans. That is precisely why Starbucks and others only serve dark roast, or, as I prefer to describe it, “burnt” coffee. When they buy the cheapest crap coffee beans in existence, they’ve got to cover it somehow!

      • “Coffee flavored coffee and pull up your fucking pants!”

        Pants being down facilitates opportunistic instantaneous fornication opportunities, when they ‘arise’… 🙂

    • Creme & sweetener or espresso. Swapped away from sugar about 6 yrs past. pure liquid sucralose only, bought in bulk. Neutral but sweet flavor, no other discernible influence.

      As for coffee, only preferences are for where it’s grown. Been buying fresh greens & roasting my own for about 20 years. Current lineup, 5lb of Guatemalan, stored in 1/8# lots with airtight light protected containers @ -35 F. Lab grade freezer, if wondering. 4 day old from roast, at maximum.

      Not a coffee snob, I just have particular tastes and a line in the sand drawn at scorched, which is most available in this country since the rise of Starbucks and their shitty burnt garbage whom most mimic.

    • get GOOD coffee and you won’t want to damage it by putting anything else in there.
      I allus say if ya got good coffee ya don’t NEED anything in it. It you HAVE tp put stuff in it, throw it out and go get some GOOD coffee. Simple.

  3. You can never have too many ammo options. Especially on Halloween. Silver bullets for the werewolves, garlic-rubbed bullets for vampires, incendiaries for the local mummy infestation…

  4. A witch was driving down a dark, winding, country road, casting spells along the way. That did not work out too well; she turned her car into a tree.

  5. Don’t fuck with my gunpowder or olfactory senses. I love the way it smells.

    That being said, maybe Gwyneth Paltrow could work something up….

  6. I’d almost prefer the witch over the bitch. The witch most likely being the less evil of the two most of the time. Last bitch I had was also my last fatal attraction that damned near killed me. And firearms wasn’t even in the slightest involved.

  7. Pumkin Spice? But, I like the smell of gun powder. I like good Scotch or Bourbon neat or with a wee drop of fresh cold spring water. And straight Black coffee. Any of the above needs no adulteration.

  8. Pumpkin spice…. ugh, that’s up there with avocado toast and speedballs. Some things, good by themselves, experience negative synergy when mixed.

    Though, I have to admit, given the dumbing of America in the past 30 years, this would probably sell pretty well. It works for Starbucks which, in the case of a pumpkin spice latte, is liquid shit mixed with overpriced liquid shit.

    • Now there is only one way ‘I’ve ever been able to enjoy avocado toast.

      Step one, but the slice on your plate.
      Step two, lift up the piece of toast and carefully invert it onto the plate.
      Setp three, lift up the now-capsised piece of toast, fling it out the nearest open window
      Steo Four and then anjoy your avocado toast.

  9. I love pumpkin pie.
    And I like my coffee black. I picked up a coffee from the Dunkin’ drive-thru. They put stuff in it even though I said not to. I tried to like it. I couldn’t drink it, and I like sweet stuff.

  10. There’s scented additive you can put in your gas tank to make your car’s farts smell nice. I don’t know if there’s punkin spice but that would make me gag! I guess I shouldn’t be a sniffin’ exhaust cuz its givin me dain bramage.

    • puts me in mind of a fun line in an old Dylan song, Desolation Road, I think it was.

      …. and he went off sniffing drainpipes and reciting the alphabet

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