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Here’s a tip for anyone facing questions from police: get your story straight. Philip Ryan Krzak hadn’t really planned ahead when he was confronted by cops after trying to break into a Palm Bay, Florida home.

The homeowner said she was lying in bed when her daughter came running into her room to advise someone was outside her window, the report said.

With a gun in hand, the homeowner walked around the home checking windows. Once she was in the back of the house, she opened the blinds and saw Krzak trying to open the window. She pointed the gun at Krzak and told him to get off her property, according to the report.

Another defensive gun use that didn’t require pulling the trigger. Our favorite kind. When the homeowner put her sights between his eyes, he took off.

Looking down the barrel of a gun can really focus the mind. Unfortunately, not in Krzak’s case. He was stopped by police before he got very far, but wasn’t really prepared for questions.

Officers detained Krzak and interviewed him about his whereabouts. Krzak stated that he was driving around the neighborhood and pulled into a driveway. He said he parked the car because he didn’t want to drive drunk, according to the arrest affidavit.

Just a responsible citizen looking out for the welfare of the other motorists on the road.

“Krzak said he took two shots of ’99 Vodka’. While sitting in his car, Krzak then got out of his car in the rain because he did not want to drive while he was drinking,” the officer said.

Wait…he got into his car and drove off after drinking the vodka, but then thought better of it?

Krzak stated that he thought the house was abandoned, so he tried to break in to get out of the rain. Krzak said he was on the phone with his wife and told her he was not sure where he was and did not want to drive because he was drinking, the report said.

OK, he didn’t want to drive while drunk, so he pulled into the driveway. Then he got out of the car. But it was raining, because it’s Florida.

Since no clear-thinking person wants to stand out in the rain, rather than get back in the car, he thought he’d try to break into the house that he thought was abandoned. That’s his story. That’s the best he could come up with on short notice.

“It should be known, Krzak was only one lot over from his vehicle when he wanted to get out of the rain and could have simply walked back to his vehicle,” police said.

You can’t get anything past the Palm Bay police department. Next time Krzak picks the wrong house to break into and is stopped by police, maybe he’ll have a better story ready to go.



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  1. “That’s his story. That’s the best he could come up with on short notice.”

    Well, he HAD been drinking…

    Sheesh. But yeah, this is the best type of DGU, and likely the far and away most common type, and the one that is never reported (well, except this one).

  2. There are days its embarrassing to be white.

    • What? Colored folk have a lock on stupidity or something? Far as I’ve seen, dumbness is an equal-opportunity impairment.

  3. I guess if, while sheltering from the rain in the “abandoned” house, he would have helpfully taken any valuables he found back to his car… For safe keeping, of course, until he could return them to the rightful owner. And any other people he found “sheltering in the abandoned house” he was going to treat like the true gentleman he is. Nothing to fear ladies!

    The real question is how many other homes has he broken into? I am guessing this is probably not his first run in with the law?

  4. I lived in a college town for 30 years. His story actually happens fairly often,especially in the giant anonymous apartment complexes. Luckily I don’t think anyone ever got shot,but it sure could have happened. Another good reason to keep a dog, I’d feel like a real stupid asshole if I lit up some drunk kid, justified or not.

    • It isn’t just apartment blocks, but in subdivisions where there are three or four house plans, and all the houses are pretty much the same color. .It is, apparently, not that hard to get confused, especially when drinking. I knew a guy who, while drunk, was pounding on the door of “his” house at 2 a.m., but unfortunately, his house was a few doors down. He got to sober up in jail for the night, but he was lucky that he wasn’t shot and no charges were filed. It is just a question of how intoxicated you are. I had a guy knocking on my door–nice enough guy–who was absolutely convinced he’d left his shoes at my house. (umm, NOT.) It was about 56 degrees out, and he was walking around with no short and no shoes, so I called the police for his own protection. When the police arrived, he appeared quite familiar with the “routine.”

      • A guy I went to high school with was killed in a similar situation. Was supposed to be meeting up with friends at a house party after closing down the bars. Got the wrong house and must’ve been convinced his friends were playing a trick on him because he kicked down the door. Can’t blame the homeowner for responding with deadly force.

    • I wouldn’t. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I’ve been mad raving drunk plenty of times in my life. Not once did I attempt a B&E on someone’s house. More Shit bags like this getting shot is the best thing that can happen for society. It takes the loser off of being a burden on the system. Also, since when is “its ok, I’m drunk!” Become an acceptable excuse? Is that some new mellenial thing?

  5. While sitting in his car, Krzak then got out of his car

    That’s physically impossible. Don’t journalism students learn proper writing skill?

    • Of course not. Learning how to write logically coherent articles with correct grammar and spelling would waste time better spent learning how to promote social justice.

    • Floriduh? I’m sorry that our criminals aren’t more intelligent than the average in the rest of the United States. FedUp; Why don’t you come on down here? Volunteer a few years at Raiford? Bring our convicts up to speed.

      Survey says! Most L.E.O.s, and citizens, prefer stupid criminals. I know I did. Still do if one happens to bump into me. (Not paid to look for them anymore. Retired.)

      What enlightened state do you live in, anyway?

  6. Isn’t it often illegal to be intoxicated in a car even if the car is off? An unlikely story, but not a wholly impossible one.

    • Yes, it is illegal. My wife’s nephew was busted for DUI exactly that way. He had parked because he realized he was too drunk to drive safely. The legal argument was that he was still in control of the vehicle. I can think of two ways around that. One would have been to lock the keys in the trunk, so that he no longer had control, and call a family member to come and get him. The other would have been to sit or lie outside the vehicle until he sobered up. That would have left him vulnerable to a charge of public drunkenness which might not be as serious as DUI.

      • I’m Chicago you can get a DWI if you are in the vicinity of the vehicle and could start it. A few years back a guy locked his keys in the trunk and fell asleep in the back seat. The police woke him up, searched his car, and when they found the keys in the trunk gave him a DWI.

        • That’s just beyond disgusting, on the part of the officers. Instead of the officers commending the man for not driving when he knows he shouldn’t, they instead chose to make his life a living hell for the next couple years, or however long it takes to straighten out a DUI. Pieces of shit. I’d find them off-duty at a bar and tell them to step on outside. This is exactly why I don’t give the majority of cops any respect, not that that means to imply that I am in any way overly disrespectful. I’m completely stoic when approached by and questioned by police. The ones who have shown themselves to be decent people, they I happily converse with. Even though some cops that I have come across seem like decent fellows, “seem” being the operative word, I will not make their jobs easy. The other have no business being officers of the law and have way too much power, are extremely arrogant and have an infuriating condescending attitude. They think we have to obey every command and show the utmost respect to them. I’m not going to roll with the punches. Illegal DUI checkpoints, not a chance in hell I’m going to allow you to stop me and demand ID without a valid reason. Also, doesn’t the “d” in DUI stand for driving. Don’t take this to mean that I’m anti-cop, but, there needs to be changes made with regard to the law enforcement community stat.

  7. “Welcome back Ladies and Germs the the latest episode of… FloridaMan!!!”
    NaNaNaNA FloridaMan!
    In today’s episode, we find our hero drunk off his ass.

  8. In Florida it is a DUI if you’re in a vehicle intoxicated if you have control of the vehicle. This usually means behind the wheel with the keys in your possession. Either in, or out of the ignition.

  9. Pro tip: if you are too drunk to drive and plan to “sleep it off” in your car, take your keys out of the ignition and recline in the PASSENGER SEAT. In the event Johnny Law finds you in your car, it will be difficult to stick you with “operating a vehicle under the influence of an intoxicating substance” since the engine is off, the keys are NOT in the ignition, and you are in the passenger seat.

    Note: the idea above is my personal opinion. I am not an attorney and the above is NOT legal advice.

    • I don’t know what the case law is on this question, but I’d guess that if you’re in control of the keys, you’re in control of the car.

      • Er, then hide the keys somewhere outside the vehicle a good distance (at least 100 feet???) away?

        Make sure that you do not answer any questions about the keys to your car. If Johnny Law cannot locate your keys they cannot claim that you are in control of your car. I highly doubt that Johnny Law would bring in a tracking dog to try and find your keys over 100 feet away from your car.

      • Being in control of the car isn’t the same as driving the car. Charging me for drinking in my yard with my keys in my pocket while standing next to my car is about as logical. Plus, if you’re not on a public road and they haven’t just seen you pull off of one, how will they even have the authority to enforce PUBLIC roadway laws or pc/rs for a stop? In any instance, this varies state to state. Some states (like mine) don’t give a shit so long as the keys ain’t in the switch, not that it would scare you public intoxication charges if they find you in town and want to be dicks.

    • Doesn’t DUI stand for DRIVING under the influence. Sitting in a stationary car, with the keys in the ignition, doesn’t constitute driving. Someone correct me if had made an error in logic. Its plain wrong that an officer would make an arrest and a court would convict someone for a DUI when the defendant wasn’t fucking driving. Long live big brother! Always benevolent, always safe.

      • The inference to the above question is, that, you obviously had to drive the car in order to get it wherever it happens to be when you stopped for a nap.

        So, even though the assumption is that you realized you were too drunk to drive, the other assumption is that you had to, in fact, be driving drunk at that time.


  10. I have seen people literally do that stupid series of events. Sometimes people call the police because they find a drunk idiot passed out on their couch.

    Illegal either way, though.

  11. Cops around here in SoCal, will cruise the parking lots and alleyways behind popular bars, just to check for cars with drunks sleeping in them, usually after they get done with putting DWI suspect to bed for the night. These rounds are usually before 6 AM. This is the reason it is illegal to park in most cities between 2 AM(closing time) and 6 AM.

    If you are going to sleep it off in your car, get in a private lot and leave your keys in the bar.

  12. So, when I was still a kid (ie: Late 20’s) I pulled off the Interstate WizWay at 3am, realizing I could no longer keep my eyes open. This was a result of tiredness & fatigue, both of which were greatly exaggerated by a full day’s drinking prior.

    I was able to find a very dark deserted country road, with a driveway that led to someone’s farmhouse about 1/4 mile back off the road. I was sure whoever lived there had to be sound asleep since the whole farmhouse was dark. I backed into that driveway, only a few yards off the road, and very far from that farmhouse.

    About an hour later (now 4am, still pre-dawn) I woke to the distinctive wrap of the policeman’s metal maglight on my drivers’ side window.

    No one even goes down that dirt country road after dark, much less a Michigan State Trooper, in an unusual TWO man car.

    Apparently, the property owner (farmer) normally gets up at 4 am to start feeding the chickens and in the dead of night, on that dark road, happened to see my Dark Colored car backed in at the end of his driveway. Whammo, call to the cops!

    In Michigan the State Police are normally congregated in and around the most remote of rural areas, since there’s really no other law enforcement presence in areas like that. However, they also perform the function of traffic patrol on the busiest State & Interstate highways. It’s nothing for a Michigan State Trooper to travel 50 miles from his post to begin his traffic patrol. Then he may travel another 50 miles covering his assigned portion of highway for that night, and then back again. If they happen to be the only LEO in the area, even though they may be 50 miles away from a traffic accident call, no problem. They’ll just put the pedal to the medal, and it’s commonplace to see them traveling well in excess of 100 mph to respond.

    The State Troopers who woke me that night, obviously didn’t want to spend the rest of their shift hauling me to the nearest County Jail, possibility even going into overtime after booking procedures with me.

    They just screamed at that I was scarring the farmer being parked in his driveway, and to “Beat it Kid”

    In Michigan, I’ve come to learn that our State Troopers would much rather be working the rural areas or the free flowing WizWays outside of the normal Urban areas.

    Now, County, or Local fuzz, not so much. Look at them wrong, and you’re getting pulled over!

  13. I’m so ashamed to say this is my daughters dad, he’s an ex crystal meth cook, an alcoholic & a wife beater. He has 2 children that he doesn’t bother with, blames both the mums for doing him wrong, we didn’t I can assure you, now he’s with some very abused & tormented woman & we have tried to help her but she’s too far in. If anybody is local to Melbourne Florida & knows the name Krzak then please try to help her

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