By de facto
Good afternoon fellow citizen, allow me to introduce myself. I’m your local representative for the Committee of Public Safety, or CPS, and I am committed to creating a safe environment for all members of our community. In light of that, I’m here to talk about your guns. I’ve received reports from concerned citizens indicating that you have an extensive gun collection. As much as I respect the Second Amendment, I need you to turn in your “sporting rifles” . . .
Our government can only allow private ownership of guns used for legitimate sporting purposes – not weapons of mass murder. It’s too dangerous for these weapons to be out there. You can appreciate that, can’t you? Besides, if you work with us and voluntarily turn in your military grade weapons, you’ll be able to keep your hunting rifles and shotguns. After all, the CPS respects the spirit of the Second Amendment and America’s great hunting tradition.
Hello again fellow citizen. Just wanted to stop in and thank you for your willingness to embrace our common sense reforms. Thanks to your help, we’ve substantially reduced the chance of a military grade weapon being used for a mass shooting.
Unfortunately, we’re far from safe. Military Rifles may be off the streets and out of the reach of potential spree shooters, but statistics show that pistols are still the weapon of choice for criminal acts. Pistols by far account for the most individual murders. While it is acknowledged that handguns are included in the great sporting and hunting tradition of the 2nd amendment (and we respect that) does it really include semi automatic pistols designed for military use and able to accept high capacity magazines? The majority of Americans support this anti-crime measure, and we’re sure it will have a tremendous impact in crime prevention.
We also need you to turn in any shotguns that use a magazine. After the navy yard incident, we can’t be too careful. A double barreled shotgun should be more than enough for home defense. You’re only supposed to be trying to scare intruders off anyway.
Thanks again citizen, we appreciate you trying so hard to understand our point of view and your commitment to the safety of our community and our children. Have a safe hunting season!
Good evening sir; my title has changed since my last visit. I’m now part of the violence and pre-crime division of CPS. I’m here to talk about your hunting arms. Recent legislation has defined semi-automatics and bolt actions as weapons of destruction. Most mass shootings have used semiautomatics, and we no longer recognize the right of any individual to own any such arms. As for bolt actions, most of them are very similar to military weapons that were used in various wars during the 20th century. Those weapons have caused millions of deaths, and numerous assassinations. You must agree these represent too great a danger for us to leave them in the hands of ordinary citizens. Besides, it’s not really fair to the animals for you to use such powerful long range weapons. It’s not really in the great hunting and sporting tradition of the Second Amendment.
You can surrender them now or surrender them when the weapons disposal team makes their inspection in a week or two. Additionally, you are expected to take a Mental Health Exam. As part of a violence prevention measure anyone who owns or has owned firearms is being asked to see a state psychiatrist; for their own safety. Can’t be too careful.
You have a nice evening, I’ll be checking in every now and then.
Good morning. Sorry about your front door-the higher ups decided surprise would be the best way to avoid violence during this transition. Since you and I go way back, I wanted to be here to personally break the news to you. It’s 3AM and we have more stops to make, so I’ll keep this brief.
In a prior visit I specified that military grade weapons needed to be turned in. Our registration records show that you have Civil and Revolutionary War era military grade weapons, as well as “antiques” – a “western style” lever action rifle, shotgun and revolver. You have ignored repeated requests to surrender them, citing your “right” to own them.
Unfortunately, just after midnight your representatives voted to classify all firearms as weapons of Terror and Destruction. Ownership of any such items is a class A Felony. In addition, the Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation has declared anyone who owns weapons of terror and destruction as mentally unbalanced, representing a clear and present danger to the community.
I’m going to ask you to quietly follow me and these fine gentlemen from the State Rehabilitation Ward. In a few years, we hope you’ll be ready to rejoin society.
I’m sorry it had to be this way.
I remain your humble servant, committed to the cause of Public Safety.