Ban Pitchforks!

Scene of the pitchfork crime (courtesy

Georgia police are looking for one Jeffery Wooten after he brandished a pitch fork at a Waffle House, herded employees and customers into the back room and headed for the cash register. “When he realized he couldn’t get the cash register open, he took the whole cash register and exited the store with his pitchfork,” Norcross Police Chief Warren Summers told WSB-TV. Not having three hands, Wooten dropped the pitchfork. A woman picked it up and began hitting him with it. “Once he didn’t have a pitchfork, he wasn’t as brazen. I know that,” Summers said. “It wouldn’t be an offensive weapon in your garden, but it was in a Waffle House.” [h/t RW]


  1. avatar William Burke says:

    HITTING him with it? She should have ENFORKULATED him with it!

    1. avatar Jandrews says:

      Justified Enforkulation?

      Are you allowed to employ farm implements in defense of property?

      1. avatar Gregolas says:

        Wasn’t it Lincoln who signed the Enforkulation Proclamation?

    2. avatar SouthernPatriot says:

      I think the term might be “impaled?” ha. you do get the point across well, though!

      1. avatar James R says:

        Get the POINT across! HAHAHA

        1. avatar Gregolas says:

          Wasn’t it Lincoln who signed the Enforkulation Proclamation?

  2. avatar Gov. William J. Le Petomane says:

    I’ve got a liberal friend (I have no idea why) and one time I asked him what he was going to do when he finds a naked man holding a pitchfork standing in his kitchen. He gave me his usual look like I was out of my mind, so I had to show him this;

    Of course, he still has no idea what he’d do if he found a naked man with a pitchfork standing in his kitchen.

    1. avatar Avid Reader says:

      Urinate on himself, vomit, or tell the guy he was having his period, of course.

      1. avatar Gov. William J. Le Petomane says:

        Yea, I’m sure he’d try that first one.

      2. avatar MacBeth51 says:

        All the above. Along with projectile farting

      3. avatar Ardent says:

        Ah, but of course!

        On a more serious note, I’ve often said that I’m apt to give anyone the benefit of the doubt or at least the chance to leave and live. . . naked guy with a pitchfork? He’d better do some fast explaining because I’m not sure I’d have a lot of faith or restraint while confronting a naked guy with a pitchfork in my house.

        The linked article should have been a DGU and lunatics like this ought always to break in on POTG rather than defenseless little girls.

  3. avatar dh34 says:

    We at Dads Demand Action for Farm Implement Sense have stated from the beginning that Georgia’s Pitchforks Everywhere law would lead to rampant pitchfork violence…

    1. avatar IdahoPete says:

      And it was a 6-tine ASSAULT PITCHFORK!!! They are only designed for one thing …

      1. avatar LarryinTX says:

        No one needs 6 tines for hunting!

  4. avatar Excedrine says:

    “It wouldn’t be an offensive weapon in your garden, but it was in a Waffle House.”


    As I’ve mentioned in my comments on other articles, a tool’s intended purpose is whatever its wielders decides it is. Whatever it’s “designed” to do is immaterial and a moot point.

    1. avatar WRH says:

      You just made a great argument for banning anything that can be misused. There go our pens, baseball bats, shovels and staplers.

      1. avatar JR says:

        No, quite the opposite. The real point is that the only way to stop the violence with a ban is to ban people.

    2. avatar Ardent says:

      The only weapon that matters is the mind. Once violence is conceived and decided on, everything else is only the means to that end.

  5. avatar Deadeye says:

    She should have forked him to death

    1. avatar LarryinTX says:

      “Yeah, well, FORK YOU, dude!”

  6. avatar dh34 says:

    The only thing that stops a bad man with a pitchfork, is a good guy or gal with a pitchfork…

    or perhaps the pitchfork grabbers are right…pitchfork owners are more likely to be pitched with their own fork…

    this is too forking funny

  7. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

    Or, they could have just “forked” over the cash….

    1. avatar James R says:

      Too bad the police couldn’t arrive just in “tine”!

  8. avatar Bret says:

    What a forker

    1. avatar Gunr says:

      What would you be if you stuck a fork in a pile of cement?…………………………..
      A Mortar Forker

  9. avatar Paul G. says:

    I remember the old adage “buy the wood chipper” (don’t rent it), I guess a new one would be “don’t drop the pitch fork”.

  10. While there are still a few hours left in this day, let me thank TTAG for not a single MDA post, all day long.

    Kudos guys.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      Fork you.

    2. avatar Lord Wulfgen says:

      You just can’t stop yourself, can you?

      1. avatar Avid Reader says:

        Aw, c’mon, he was just forking around. . .

    3. avatar LarryinTX says:

      What does MDA mean?

      1. avatar Paul G. says:

        Mom Does Anyone…..or Moms Doing Anyone.

  11. avatar Mr Bob says:

    Ya’ll should really stop pitching all these forking jokes.

  12. avatar Pashtun6 says:

    Where’s my MDA post for today?! Seriously those articles are the only silver lining to my day! I may just have to crawl out of my house and go in search for some other kind of entertainment. Lol

  13. avatar Frank Masotti says:

    What group of fools would allow a single person with a pitch fork, “herd” them anywhere?

    1. avatar Gunr says:

      Would you want to be the first one to get “Stuck”?

      1. avatar dh34 says:

        It was a Waffle House after all, not a Stuckeys

        1. avatar LarryinTX says:


  14. avatar Ing says:

    In the decades following the Mystery Men’s spectacular defeat of Casanova Frankenstein, the Blue Rajah fell on hard tines times.

    1. avatar KingSarc48265 says:

      Hank Azaria is now wanted for questioning lol

  15. avatar Model66 says:

    American Gothic = wanted poster

    1. avatar dh34 says:

      Bravo sir

  16. avatar Sergio says:

    I’m still laughing at “enforkulated.”

  17. avatar bob says:

    open carrying a pitchfork in public? where were the calls to the police?

    1. avatar dh34 says:

      After the frightened parents hid the children in the dugout, one of the mothers called a local TV station and then dialed 911…when interviewed later she said the children were traumatized seeing a man openly carrying a pitchfork at a park…#everytownforforksafety#pitchforkbullies#monsantomommies

    2. avatar Logan says:

      There’s not many places on one’s person for concealed carry of a pitchfork.

  18. avatar SouthernPatriot says:

    All garden implements, all farm or ranch implements, all kitchen utensils, all shaving equipment, a rock or stone, a jaw of an a$$, any stick, and biscuits (hockey pucks) my sister used to make when I was a child, and just about anything else could be, and is a weapon from time to time, so it all must be banned. We must have Mothers Against all Things used as Weapons to liberate us from our fixation with all these wounding and toxic things! Help!

  19. avatar K-Bizz says:

    I’m not against all pitchfork ownership. I belive in sensible pitchfork solutions, such as a permit system where a citizen who shows a justifiable need, such as farming, ranching, or political cronyism can own and carry a pitchfork. We should ban assault pitchforks with more than three prongs, rubberized grips, or a detachable handle. These pitchforks belong on a farmers field, not on our streets. Finally, we should have universal background checks on all pitchforks. If it saves just one life, think of the children, look at this baby.

  20. avatar Logan says:

    Guys can you just stick a fork in it with all the forking jokes?

    On second thought, keep going. This is getting really funny!

  21. avatar cubby123 says:

    One ccw would have stoped before it began

  22. avatar DV says:

    Well, it didnt have a sling. Did it have a pistol grip?

    1. avatar Gunr says:

      Maybe a collapsible handle.

      1. avatar LarryinTX says:

        Thing that goes up?

  23. avatar Marcus Aurelius says:

    So if you don’t have a defensive firearm in this situation, so you pray to Jesus or Poseidon?

    1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:


      Well done!

  24. avatar Jonathan - Houston says:

    These agriculture-style weapons belong on our farms, not on our streets.

    1. avatar Paul G. says:

      Nobody needs a four tine pitchfork! A single tine is plenty.

  25. avatar Dirk Diggler says:

    I think you all are missing the point: Shannon and members of the privileged urban/ex urban elite DON’T KNOW WHAT A PITCHFORK IS! She probably would recognize it as that pointy thingy from Green Acres (which is her closest experience with farming) or should we call a spade a spade and remind people that Shannon came from the Branson area of Missouri (ie, meth capital) that is also farm country and despite her recent uppitiness, ole girl still has kin down there that she avoids inviting up to her palatial (fancy word for big) estate bought for her by her prince (fancy word for co-adulterous lover/husband). Just sayin

    1. avatar dh34 says:

      Bloomberg and Shannon singing to the tune of “Green Acres”…

      Every town is the place for me.
      Gun grabbin’ is the life for me.
      Grass rootin’ out so far and wide
      Keep Manhattan, I need to be nationwide.

      Every town is where I’d rather stay.
      The pay is much better than MDA.
      I just adore an MSNBC interview.
      Indy I love you but give me Park Avenue.

      Good bye, MDA.
      Every town… we are there.

  26. avatar Aaron says:

    Waffles and pitchforks. Yummy!

  27. avatar Mark says:

    If it has more than seven tines on it is it an “assault fork”?

  28. avatar New Continental Army says:

    Good old Georgia. I love my state. “Man robs waffle house with pitchfork” Yup, That’s how we do it here. MMMhhmmm.

    1. avatar LarryinTX says:

      He only really brought it as a utensil. This was a misunderstanding. He was trying to pay his bill but the register wouldn’t open and no one was there to help! So he was going to take the register home until he could figure how to put his money in, then bring it back. See?

      When I grow up I’m gonna be a lawyer!

      1. avatar Paul G. says:

        Hey Maw, let’s go to Waffle House….I gots my Sunday go to eating fork!

  29. avatar Gregolas says:

    Thank you, one and all ! You’ve left me with tears of mirth.
    Just one of the biggest reasons I love TTAG.

  30. avatar Avid Reader says:

    Most folks nowadays probably don’t know the difference between a pitchfork and a manure fork anyway.

  31. avatar neiowa says:

    If you get your pitchfork out, for something other than agricultural use, the proper destination is Washington DC. And don’t forget the tar/feathers/rail.

    1. avatar LarryinTX says:

      And torches. Don’t forget the torches.

  32. avatar Nathan says:

    Now if they had a no pitch fork sign this would have never happened. But of course I’d be confused with a no fork sign. They’d would have to change it to a no pitching sign. In the end the ACLU would sue for discrimination agents tying up horses.

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