A .9mm semi? (courtesy fark.com)
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You may have heard about a recent incident where police shot a man armed with an iPhone, which they claim they mistook for a gun. And you may have wondered, why can’t they tell the difference between an iPhone and a firearm? Well it’s hard to see in the dark, with adrenaline pumping. But not impossible . . .

“Shannon was armed with a .9mm handgun that he pointed at officers three times while being given commands to stay down and drop his weapon.” In that officer-involved shooting (no charges filed), the cops could clearly see what is an extremely tiny handgun. Hey. It’s just a data point. But it got me thinking . . .

I’ve posted a bunch of links to stories where bad guys used a .9mm handgun to carry out their nefarious deeds. But a .9mm handgun can also be used for good! So here are a few ideas in to help rehabilitate the diminutive firearm’s rep. Feel free to add more in the comments section below, to help us get to the 101 mark . . .

Arm Barbie against #metoo assaults

Let’s face it: a lot of men think of Barbie as a bimbo. A sex object that they can exploit willy-nilly (so to speak). To quote the B52’s, WELL SHE ISN’T! Barbie’s a strong, independent woman; a career girl who’s been pushing the boundaries of a women’s right to do “man’s work” since the 60’s. Discreetly armed with a .9mm, Barbie will have a defence against sexual assault. It will empower her, even more.

Pierce ears 

I once watched — horrified — as an employee of the [thankfully bankrupt] Claire’s accessories store failed to pierce my stepdaughter’s ears with an ear-piercing gun. I reckon a .9mm handgun loaded appropriately would have been a far more effective device for the job. Providing, of course, that the shooter oriented the gun from the head outwards. Know your target and what’s beyond it. 

Wallet carry

Tens of thousands of Americans don’t carry a gun because it’s uncomfortable. Bulky. Heavy. A hassle. And they worry they’ll be “found out” by friends, family, colleagues, busy-bodies and anti-gun church deacons. They fear that even a small pocket pistol like the Ruger LCP II is too big; they still feel “exposed.” A .9mm handgun is small enough to shove in your wallet. Problem solved.

Arm mice against #predatorycats

If we can teach mice to smoke cigarettes and snort cocaine, we can teach them how to use a .9mm to defend themselves against predatory felines. Which is every cat on the face of planet Earth. In cartoons too. (Anyone remember Fritz the Cat? Total sexual predator.) While I’m not sure a mouse could master the Four Rules of Gun Safety, I’m not sure it really matters.


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  1. Shooting it is a good way to stand in solidarity with Lilliputians. #LilliputianStrong

  2. Takeover small countries.

    Over-override a weapons confiscation. It’ll take an infinity to rid the world of most guns, it’ll take infinity 2x to rid the world of all the hidden .9mm’s.

    Only Chuck Norris, has ever counted to infinity twice.

  3. .9 mm mouse guns SUCK! A REAL MAN would want at least a .10 MM in a Glock 20! I used to have one, it was an awesome weapon! The ammo was very pricey though so I sold it. I now have a Colt 45 MM, man is that a gun!

    • Pfft, everyone knows that the 380mm is the new hotness for self defense. I hunt with a 270mm winchester so a 380mm has to be awesome. (I used to use a 3006mm springfield for hunting but the 270mm has a bit flatter trajectory)

    • I think you meant 1.0mm. Everyone knows 0.1mms lack one-shot stopping power. Although you can carry a lot more rounds. I’d just stick with the 45mm. If you train well and learn to only fire until your enemies are “stacked” you really only need that one round.

    • Personally, I use a .12 caliber semi-pump shotgun with high caliber clips for home defense.

  4. Solutions for 99 of your problems that aren’t a bitch, and the other 2 problems that are bitches?

  5. You can sneak them through airport security so if anything goes wrong during the flight you can pull the sword out of your olive and dual wield.

  6. Doesn’t matter how useful you think they might be. A .9mm is still an assault wee-pon and should be regulated or banned. They are so powerful that the military doesn’t even use them – I’m sure they violate the Geneva Convention or Early Spring Break/March for our Skipping School, er Lives, or something like that. Nobody needs a .9mm. Use one any you’ll have [very little] blood on your fingertips.

  7. Ballistic Pest Control! Got bugs in your house? Throw away that can of toxic bug spray, and take aim with your .9mm instead! 😀

  8. In a pinch, you could put a 0.7mm piece of graphite in the barrel and use it as a pencil. It would have a nice side effect of lubing the gun for you.

  9. Use it for delousing sensitive areas.

    Replaces that leaky pepper spray canister on your keychain.

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