100 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop After a Defensive Gun Use

I’ll start the ball rolling. “Haven’t YOU ever wanted to shoot someone?”


  1. avatar Xenokilla says:

    “What? he’s just a [Insert inappropriate reference to BG’s race or gender]”
    “I don’t care if he was running out the door!”
    “Yes you can take a look around the rest of my house, I have nothing to hide”

  2. avatar Mercutio says:

    He needed killing. (The Texas Defense)

  3. avatar Brad Kozak says:

    I got the bastard! I finally got the bastard!

  4. avatar Moonshine7102 says:

    Donuts are in the fridge, coffee’s fresh.

    1. avatar TTACer says:

      lulz. What’s wrong with that?

    2. avatar Gossven says:

      Who puts donuts in the fridge?

  5. avatar Rich T says:

    Can you help me drag him back inside.

  6. avatar John B says:

    “I already told her twice”

    1. avatar Nick Leghorn says:


      I can’t stop laughing…

    2. avatar Jason Steiner says:

      I’m home sick today, drinking mint tea with honey & bourbon. It’s quite medicinal. But I can now say with the voice of hard experience that it’s not to be applied to the lungs.

  7. avatar Tim says:

    My finger slipped.

    I thought he was a pig.

  8. avatar highstepinlowcrawler says:

    You’re not the guy they sent the last time this happened….

  9. avatar Here Iam says:

    Does the Texas “Needed Killin'” defense apply here?

  10. avatar Moonshine7102 says:

    Double points for headshots, right?

    He looked like he was wearing a turban….

    No, look, I was just cleaning it and it went off. Here, see?

    That felt good.

    1. avatar TTACer says:

      If I can be serious for a second-saying something was an accident (b/c you are scared/flustered/in shock) can turn a legit DGU into a manslaughter charge.

  11. avatar brian.z says:

    Sorry, my ex-wife was supposed to be coming over tonight.

  12. avatar Aharon says:

    He said that he broke-in to steal my beer machine, sell it, and donate the money to the Obama Election Campaign.

  13. avatar Lemming says:

    Yeah, I had to leave my store to get some more bullets and reload, but I finally finished him off. Wanna see the security camera video?

  14. avatar sdog says:

    the power of Christ compels you!

  15. avatar Blake says:

    “Help me bury him in the backyard with the rest.”

  16. avatar Jerry says:

    Hey, I saved the state prosecution money.

  17. avatar Eric says:

    What’s the Officer problem?

  18. avatar Adrian says:

    “Know a good taxidermist?”

  19. avatar Derek says:

    Well, I told em not to run.

  20. avatar Ryan Finn says:

    Boom, headshot!

  21. avatar Rob Sacrison says:

    “He stole my parking spot!”

  22. avatar Frank Williams says:

    If you’d been doing YOUR job…

    1. avatar pastubbs says:

      heh that one may get you beat in an alley

  23. avatar imrambi says:

    If you want me to take care of anyone else, here is my business card, give me a call.

  24. avatar DrewR55 says:

    “Guess I should have taken down the ‘Screw the Dog, Beware the Owner’ sign before you got here?”

    “What do you mean I can’t use the flat screen as bait? You have bait cars.”

    “Am I gonna be on COPS?”

  25. avatar Jason R. says:

    Of course I shot him, officer! I can tell who’s guilty JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.

  26. avatar Erik in Texas says:

    “He started it!”

  27. avatar JTB says:

    “He just wouldn’t stop moving until half way through my second magazine”

  28. avatar ExurbanKevin says:

    “Score him and tape him, officer, while I reset the steel.”

    1. avatar H. Reardon says:

      Down Zero!

  29. avatar Aharon says:

    If I’m going to get arrested and placed in handcuffs, I’d like to request that the arresting officer be female, blond, and busty. Thanks.

  30. avatar Big Jay says:

    “You say designated driver… I say car thief *Hic*”

  31. avatar rjason says:

    You don’t need to see my ID…(as if you are a Jedi Knight)

  32. avatar DrewR55 says:

    “I’m from the future. I was sent back to kill him and prevent a horrible global disaster.”

  33. avatar mmasse says:

    Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

  34. avatar Marky says:

    Take notes son, this lesson’s on the house.

  35. avatar ExurbanKevin says:

    I dunno, officer, the gun just went off by itself. 14 times.

  36. avatar Kimberly says:

    I think he looks better dead. Don’t you?

  37. avatar Patrick B. says:

    “Death is… whimsical today.”

  38. avatar Nico says:

    Positive k/d ratio! Finally!

  39. avatar Big Jay says:

    “Just testing out some new handloads…”

  40. avatar Joe Z. says:

    “What can I say? We’ve been married for 10 years.”

    1. avatar HAVEGUN says:

      After 35 years, sure it has crossed my wife’s mind.

  41. avatar Tim McNabb says:

    “Well, I am known as a mean drunk…”

    “I told the bitch she best have my money…”

  42. avatar ready,fire,aim says:

    i wanted to try out my new zombie loads….they work pretty good…..pretty good in deed….

  43. avatar John D says:

    Damn, can’t believe it jammed after 6 rounds!
    Couldn’t deliver the “coup De Gras”!

  44. avatar The Comedian says:

    Nah, I don’t need no lawyer.

  45. avatar DrewR55 says:

    “You say ‘excessive use of force’ like it’s a bad thing.”

  46. avatar LC Judas says:

    He would NOT shut up!

    Now everybody in the neighbourhood already knows I’m crazy; its not my fault he ain’t think about that !

    He split my lip ten years ago!

    Well…at least you only need one pair of cuffs…

    Want to help mop?

  47. avatar HD76 says:

    “My neighbor we trying to break into my house….I didn’t like him anyways.”

  48. avatar Erik says:

    Anything besides “I’m going to cooperate fully after my attorney is present”

  49. avatar NCGlockin says:

    It’s Miller Time !!!

    My gun jammed and wouldn’t stop shooting.

    Nobody talks about my mama !!!

  50. avatar Guywithagun says:

    “Wow, that was fun.”

  51. avatar ExurbanKevin says:

    “Here, hold my beer. I’ve always wanted to try this.”

  52. avatar Ben Eli says:

    Why? Because pistol whipping him would have taken too long.

    There are more of ’em behind the house.

    He tried to steal my drugs.

    1. avatar joe says:

      We just had a guy in Providence who shot a guy precisely for breaking in and trying to steal his drugs.
      He’s only charged with the drugs,not the shooting.
      Castle doctrine at work.

      1. avatar Nick says:

        Sounds like Darwin at work.

  53. avatar The Noob says:

    I was just cleaning it and it went off…6 times…throughout the whole house…

  54. avatar Tarrou says:

    Don’t you just HATE Jehovah’s Witnesses, officer?

  55. avatar Ralph says:

    Lookit that group! I guess Jason Steiner was right.

  56. avatar Mark says:

    😀 Good Eats – Marsha gets busted for drugs

  57. avatar SA Operator says:

    Of course I didn’t know he was sleeping with my wife

  58. avatar William says:

    For touristy states like mine:

    When it’s moose season, I hunt moos.
    When it’s bear season, I hunt bear.
    They call it tourist season…what did you expect?

      1. avatar William says:

        Duck Season!

  59. avatar Van says:

    Do these empty shell casings make my ass look fat?

  60. avatar freeport56 says:

    He needed killing!

    1. avatar Tony says:

      As a good Southern boy that was my first thought.

  61. avatar Aharon says:

    Calm down officer and get over it. It’s not my fault that your kid broke into my home at 2AM.

  62. avatar RabbiVJ says:

    he dun got what he deserved.

  63. avatar Patrick says:

    seemed like a good idea at the time officer

  64. avatar Christopher P. says:

    “Damn straight I did it”

  65. avatar Ralph says:

    FU, flatfoot. I know my rights.

  66. avatar TUCO says:

    F… the police

    Badges? I don’t need no stinking badges

    He looked like the drug dealer I jacked last night & thought he had come back for revenge

    Stolen from Unforgiven
    Cop: “You just shot an unarmed man”
    You ; “Well he should have armed himself”

  67. avatar Ordine Nuovo says:

    “I’m a better shot than you. Statistically speaking.”

  68. avatar Ordine Nuovo says:

    “I just won Top Shot!”

  69. avatar clint eastwood says:

    Did i fire six shots or only five, feeling lucky punk?

  70. avatar Scott says:

    Yes he deserved to die and I hope he burns in Hell!

  71. avatar Pro.0s says:

    [Cop reads Miranda Rights…]
    [You] (Finishes off the perp with a coup de grace) Oh I’m sorry did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue.

    [Cop asks for a sample of your DNA]
    [Reply] You already have a sample of it, on your mum’s face!!!

  72. avatar GS650G says:

    How about that grouping? Those new hand loads worked better than I thought they would.

  73. avatar TUCO says:

    I was worried he had found my grow operation

  74. avatar Gunz4fun says:


  75. avatar Gunz4fun says:

    Hey, where can I get one of them badges?

  76. avatar JJ Swiontek says:

    “I ordered pizza for us, officer. It should be here any minute. Pepperoni OK?”

  77. avatar ScottyV says:

    Wow, you all made excellent time from the donut shop…

  78. avatar Rob Drummond says:

    “He’s dead Jim”

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