“What? he’s just a [Insert inappropriate reference to BG’s race or gender]”
“I don’t care if he was running out the door!”
“Yes you can take a look around the rest of my house, I have nothing to hide”
I’m home sick today, drinking mint tea with honey & bourbon. It’s quite medicinal. But I can now say with the voice of hard experience that it’s not to be applied to the lungs.
If I can be serious for a second-saying something was an accident (b/c you are scared/flustered/in shock) can turn a legit DGU into a manslaughter charge.
We just had a guy in Providence who shot a guy precisely for breaking in and trying to steal his drugs.
He’s only charged with the drugs,not the shooting.
Castle doctrine at work.
[Cop reads Miranda Rights…]
[You] (Finishes off the perp with a coup de grace) Oh I’m sorry did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue.
[Cop asks for a sample of your DNA]
[Reply] You already have a sample of it, on your mum’s face!!!
“What? he’s just a [Insert inappropriate reference to BG’s race or gender]”
“I don’t care if he was running out the door!”
“Yes you can take a look around the rest of my house, I have nothing to hide”
He needed killing. (The Texas Defense)
I got the bastard! I finally got the bastard!
Donuts are in the fridge, coffee’s fresh.
lulz. What’s wrong with that?
Who puts donuts in the fridge?
Can you help me drag him back inside.
“I already told her twice”
“TWO ALPHA!”
I…
I can’t stop laughing…
I’m home sick today, drinking mint tea with honey & bourbon. It’s quite medicinal. But I can now say with the voice of hard experience that it’s not to be applied to the lungs.
My finger slipped.
I thought he was a pig.
You’re not the guy they sent the last time this happened….
Does the Texas “Needed Killin'” defense apply here?
Double points for headshots, right?
He looked like he was wearing a turban….
No, look, I was just cleaning it and it went off. Here, see?
That felt good.
If I can be serious for a second-saying something was an accident (b/c you are scared/flustered/in shock) can turn a legit DGU into a manslaughter charge.
Sorry, my ex-wife was supposed to be coming over tonight.
He said that he broke-in to steal my beer machine, sell it, and donate the money to the Obama Election Campaign.
Yeah, I had to leave my store to get some more bullets and reload, but I finally finished him off. Wanna see the security camera video?
the power of Christ compels you!
“Help me bury him in the backyard with the rest.”
Hey, I saved the state prosecution money.
What’s the Officer problem?
“Know a good taxidermist?”
Well, I told em not to run.
Boom, headshot!
“He stole my parking spot!”
If you’d been doing YOUR job…
we have a winner
heh that one may get you beat in an alley
If you want me to take care of anyone else, here is my business card, give me a call.
“Guess I should have taken down the ‘Screw the Dog, Beware the Owner’ sign before you got here?”
“What do you mean I can’t use the flat screen as bait? You have bait cars.”
“Am I gonna be on COPS?”
Of course I shot him, officer! I can tell who’s guilty JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.
“He started it!”
“He just wouldn’t stop moving until half way through my second magazine”
“Score him and tape him, officer, while I reset the steel.”
Down Zero!
If I’m going to get arrested and placed in handcuffs, I’d like to request that the arresting officer be female, blond, and busty. Thanks.
“You say designated driver… I say car thief *Hic*”
You don’t need to see my ID…(as if you are a Jedi Knight)
“I’m from the future. I was sent back to kill him and prevent a horrible global disaster.”
Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
Take notes son, this lesson’s on the house.
I dunno, officer, the gun just went off by itself. 14 times.
I think he looks better dead. Don’t you?
“Death is… whimsical today.”
Positive k/d ratio! Finally!
“Just testing out some new handloads…”
“What can I say? We’ve been married for 10 years.”
After 35 years, sure it has crossed my wife’s mind.
“Well, I am known as a mean drunk…”
“I told the bitch she best have my money…”
i wanted to try out my new zombie loads….they work pretty good…..pretty good in deed….
Damn, can’t believe it jammed after 6 rounds!
Couldn’t deliver the “coup De Gras”!
Nah, I don’t need no lawyer.
“You say ‘excessive use of force’ like it’s a bad thing.”
He would NOT shut up!
Now everybody in the neighbourhood already knows I’m crazy; its not my fault he ain’t think about that !
He split my lip ten years ago!
Well…at least you only need one pair of cuffs…
Want to help mop?
“My neighbor we trying to break into my house….I didn’t like him anyways.”
Anything besides “I’m going to cooperate fully after my attorney is present”
It’s Miller Time !!!
My gun jammed and wouldn’t stop shooting.
Nobody talks about my mama !!!
“Wow, that was fun.”
“Here, hold my beer. I’ve always wanted to try this.”
Why? Because pistol whipping him would have taken too long.
There are more of ’em behind the house.
He tried to steal my drugs.
We just had a guy in Providence who shot a guy precisely for breaking in and trying to steal his drugs.
He’s only charged with the drugs,not the shooting.
Castle doctrine at work.
Sounds like Darwin at work.
I was just cleaning it and it went off…6 times…throughout the whole house…
Don’t you just HATE Jehovah’s Witnesses, officer?
Lookit that group! I guess Jason Steiner was right.
😀 Good Eats – Marsha gets busted for drugs
Of course I didn’t know he was sleeping with my wife
For touristy states like mine:
When it’s moose season, I hunt moos.
When it’s bear season, I hunt bear.
They call it tourist season…what did you expect?
Wabbit season!
Duck Season!
Do these empty shell casings make my ass look fat?
He needed killing!
As a good Southern boy that was my first thought.
Calm down officer and get over it. It’s not my fault that your kid broke into my home at 2AM.
he dun got what he deserved.
seemed like a good idea at the time officer
“Damn straight I did it”
FU, flatfoot. I know my rights.
F… the police
Badges? I don’t need no stinking badges
He looked like the drug dealer I jacked last night & thought he had come back for revenge
Stolen from Unforgiven
Cop: “You just shot an unarmed man”
You ; “Well he should have armed himself”
“I’m a better shot than you. Statistically speaking.”
“I just won Top Shot!”
Did i fire six shots or only five, feeling lucky punk?
Yes he deserved to die and I hope he burns in Hell!
[Cop reads Miranda Rights…]
[You] (Finishes off the perp with a coup de grace) Oh I’m sorry did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue.
[Cop asks for a sample of your DNA]
[Reply] You already have a sample of it, on your mum’s face!!!
How about that grouping? Those new hand loads worked better than I thought they would.
I was worried he had found my grow operation
That…was…..AWESOME!!!
Hey, where can I get one of them badges?
“I ordered pizza for us, officer. It should be here any minute. Pepperoni OK?”
Wow, you all made excellent time from the donut shop…
“He’s dead Jim”