Home Crime and Punishment 100 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop After a Defensive... Crime and Punishment 100 Things You Should Never Say to a Cop After a Defensive Gun Use By Robert Farago - October 25, 2011 93 Facebook Twitter Pinterest WhatsApp Email I’ll start the ball rolling. “Haven’t YOU ever wanted to shoot someone?” RELATED ARTICLESMORE FROM AUTHOR New York’s Mayor de Blasio Fights Crime By Aiming at Law-Abiding Citizens…Again…Still Utah Man Shot and Killed After Making Fun of Another Man’s Range Rover Judge Rules McCloskey Case Won’t Be Re-Heard by a Grand Jury 93 COMMENTS “What? he’s just a [Insert inappropriate reference to BG’s race or gender]” “I don’t care if he was running out the door!” “Yes you can take a look around the rest of my house, I have nothing to hide” Reply He needed killing. (The Texas Defense) Reply I got the bastard! I finally got the bastard! Reply Donuts are in the fridge, coffee’s fresh. Reply lulz. What’s wrong with that? Reply Who puts donuts in the fridge? Reply Can you help me drag him back inside. Reply “I already told her twice” Reply “TWO ALPHA!” Reply I… I can’t stop laughing… Reply I’m home sick today, drinking mint tea with honey & bourbon. It’s quite medicinal. But I can now say with the voice of hard experience that it’s not to be applied to the lungs. Reply My finger slipped. I thought he was a pig. Reply You’re not the guy they sent the last time this happened…. Reply Does the Texas “Needed Killin'” defense apply here? Reply Double points for headshots, right? He looked like he was wearing a turban…. No, look, I was just cleaning it and it went off. Here, see? That felt good. Reply If I can be serious for a second-saying something was an accident (b/c you are scared/flustered/in shock) can turn a legit DGU into a manslaughter charge. Reply Sorry, my ex-wife was supposed to be coming over tonight. Reply He said that he broke-in to steal my beer machine, sell it, and donate the money to the Obama Election Campaign. Reply Yeah, I had to leave my store to get some more bullets and reload, but I finally finished him off. Wanna see the security camera video? Reply the power of Christ compels you! Reply “Help me bury him in the backyard with the rest.” Reply Hey, I saved the state prosecution money. Reply What’s the Officer problem? Reply “Know a good taxidermist?” Reply Well, I told em not to run. Reply Boom, headshot! Reply “He stole my parking spot!” Reply If you’d been doing YOUR job… Reply we have a winner Reply heh that one may get you beat in an alley Reply If you want me to take care of anyone else, here is my business card, give me a call. Reply “Guess I should have taken down the ‘Screw the Dog, Beware the Owner’ sign before you got here?” “What do you mean I can’t use the flat screen as bait? You have bait cars.” “Am I gonna be on COPS?” Reply Of course I shot him, officer! I can tell who’s guilty JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. Reply “He started it!” Reply “He just wouldn’t stop moving until half way through my second magazine” Reply “Score him and tape him, officer, while I reset the steel.” Reply Down Zero! Reply If I’m going to get arrested and placed in handcuffs, I’d like to request that the arresting officer be female, blond, and busty. Thanks. Reply “You say designated driver… I say car thief *Hic*” Reply You don’t need to see my ID…(as if you are a Jedi Knight) Reply “I’m from the future. I was sent back to kill him and prevent a horrible global disaster.” Reply Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? Reply Take notes son, this lesson’s on the house. Reply I dunno, officer, the gun just went off by itself. 14 times. Reply I think he looks better dead. Don’t you? Reply “Death is… whimsical today.” Reply Positive k/d ratio! Finally! Reply “Just testing out some new handloads…” Reply “What can I say? We’ve been married for 10 years.” Reply After 35 years, sure it has crossed my wife’s mind. Reply “Well, I am known as a mean drunk…” “I told the bitch she best have my money…” Reply i wanted to try out my new zombie loads….they work pretty good…..pretty good in deed…. Reply Damn, can’t believe it jammed after 6 rounds! Couldn’t deliver the “coup De Gras”! Reply Nah, I don’t need no lawyer. Reply “You say ‘excessive use of force’ like it’s a bad thing.” Reply He would NOT shut up! Now everybody in the neighbourhood already knows I’m crazy; its not my fault he ain’t think about that ! He split my lip ten years ago! Well…at least you only need one pair of cuffs… Want to help mop? Reply “My neighbor we trying to break into my house….I didn’t like him anyways.” Reply Anything besides “I’m going to cooperate fully after my attorney is present” Reply It’s Miller Time !!! My gun jammed and wouldn’t stop shooting. Nobody talks about my mama !!! Reply “Wow, that was fun.” Reply “Here, hold my beer. I’ve always wanted to try this.” Reply Why? Because pistol whipping him would have taken too long. There are more of ’em behind the house. He tried to steal my drugs. Reply We just had a guy in Providence who shot a guy precisely for breaking in and trying to steal his drugs. He’s only charged with the drugs,not the shooting. Castle doctrine at work. Reply Sounds like Darwin at work. Reply I was just cleaning it and it went off…6 times…throughout the whole house… Reply Don’t you just HATE Jehovah’s Witnesses, officer? Reply Lookit that group! I guess Jason Steiner was right. Reply 😀 Good Eats – Marsha gets busted for drugs Reply Of course I didn’t know he was sleeping with my wife Reply For touristy states like mine: When it’s moose season, I hunt moos. When it’s bear season, I hunt bear. They call it tourist season…what did you expect? Reply Wabbit season! Reply Duck Season! Reply Do these empty shell casings make my ass look fat? Reply He needed killing! Reply As a good Southern boy that was my first thought. Reply Calm down officer and get over it. It’s not my fault that your kid broke into my home at 2AM. Reply he dun got what he deserved. Reply seemed like a good idea at the time officer Reply “Damn straight I did it” Reply FU, flatfoot. I know my rights. Reply F… the police Badges? I don’t need no stinking badges He looked like the drug dealer I jacked last night & thought he had come back for revenge Stolen from Unforgiven Cop: “You just shot an unarmed man” You ; “Well he should have armed himself” Reply “I’m a better shot than you. Statistically speaking.” Reply “I just won Top Shot!” Reply Did i fire six shots or only five, feeling lucky punk? Reply Yes he deserved to die and I hope he burns in Hell! Reply [Cop reads Miranda Rights…] [You] (Finishes off the perp with a coup de grace) Oh I’m sorry did I break your concentration? I didn’t mean to do that. Please, continue. [Cop asks for a sample of your DNA] [Reply] You already have a sample of it, on your mum’s face!!! Reply How about that grouping? Those new hand loads worked better than I thought they would. Reply I was worried he had found my grow operation Reply That…was…..AWESOME!!! Reply Hey, where can I get one of them badges? Reply “I ordered pizza for us, officer. It should be here any minute. Pepperoni OK?” Reply Wow, you all made excellent time from the donut shop… Reply “He’s dead Jim” Reply LEAVE A REPLY Cancel reply Please enter your comment! Please enter your name here You have entered an incorrect email address! Please enter your email address here Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.