Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post Writers Group has penned an interesting essay. Titled, “Help a card-carrying liberal win an AK-47,” it shows the sort of hateful rhetoric we gunnies have come to expect from the self-styled tolerant, inclusive, liberal elite. Refreshingly, Gene’s perfectly honest about his liberalism and states up front that he would like to repeal the Second Amendment (he’s apparently unaware that the Bill of Rights protects our rights, it doesn’t grant them, so repealing the Second Amendment would do nothing but precipitate a civil war). He magnanimously admits that the Second was once useful, but then goes on to say…
Things are different now. Today, most private weapons are owned by a class of rural hobbyists known as “gun enthusiasts,” a term newspapers came up with to avoid saying “paranoiacs in bib overalls.” These are the sort of people who advertise on armslist.com, my favorite website in the whole world since yesterday, when I learned that it is giving away an AK-47, with mounted bayonet, to the person who brings the most new traffic to its site.
Paranoiacs in bib overalls? Makes me wonder if Gene has John Valby (NSFW) songs for his ringtone? Probably not, though, because it seems he reserves his real prejudice and disdain for us “rural hobbyists.” I’m guessing that the closest Gene ever comes to a wild animals is when he clicks past The Discovery Channel, otherwise he’d know that once you move away from the core cities you can find yourself facing unfriendly, hungry animals. To say nothing of the damage a rampaging bull or pissed off horse can do to a person.
But why would Gene want an AK? He explains:
Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: Why would a genuine recidivist liberal want to own a gas-operated assault rifle that fires projectiles engineered to tumble and fragment in flesh, producing maximum tissue damage; a weapon that is the favourite of Mexican drug cartels and international terrorist organizations; the very weapon found in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom? The answer is that if I win, I will have the gun professionally converted into a plowshare, which I will then donate to an Amish village.
I guess Gene’s a little confused about the difference between an assault rifle and an assault weapon (not surprising since the terminology was picked precisely for that reason). The first is a select-fire military weapon that sells for between ten and fifteen thousand dollars and the second is a made-up term to describe semi-auto scary black guns with certain cosmetic features that sell for between four hundred and a thousand bucks. And while the AK may be the “favourite” of cartels and terrorists, it’s also the army standard issue weapon for more than 70 different countries.
Finally, Gene obviously is familiar with neither plowing nor AKs. Otherwise he would know that A) the mild steel of the AK’s stamped receiver would not stand up to a single furrow and B) you’ll need a lot more than a single AK to make a plowshare. But hey, what use are facts when there are people to insult and silly political/social statements to be made?
Plus, by familiarizing yourself with this site, you will learn not to judge people too harshly: Gun enthusiasts are not without other interests. It’s not all about guns, guns, guns with them. It’s also about blackjacks, “spring-assisted stilettos,” flamethrowers, firearms concealment vests, and, I swear, grenade launchers. One guy in Oklahoma is selling two homemade cannons that fire bowling balls.
I dunno, paranoiacs in bib overalls sounds like a pretty harsh judgment to me, but then I’m not a card-carrying liberal. Anyway, I couldn’t find any blackjacks, grenades, grenade launchers or flamethrowers, and only a half-dozen switchblades, but there is a guy selling his black powder bowling ball cannons! And I want one.
I’m not sure exactly what Gene’s really saying here, though. It seems to me that he’s pointing out that we bibbed paranoiacs have wide ranging tastes and interests, including ballistics, knife collecting, concealment clothing and engineering. At least I would want to run through some serious calculations before I shot a bowling ball out of a cannon I’d made. He also doesn’t mention the fact that every ad has a header urging people: Report illegal firearms activity to 1-800-ATF-GUNS or your local police department.
Now, you might be wondering why they’d co-operate with a card-carrying liberal who was going to make fun of them. The answer is that I never told them exactly what kind of column I wrote, and I’m betting they didn’t look it up. They’ll be figuring it out right about now, when they’re getting a whole passel of clicks from Democrats with advanced degrees.
You know Gene, I doubt the site managers care about your column making fun of us since, unlike certain card-carrying liberals I could name, most gunnies really are tolerant and inclusive. But good luck in the contest anyway.