By Adam S.
Whether it’s regarding licensing and testing requirements or drawing parallels between post-shooting gun control propositions and the idea of banning cars to fight drunk drivers, comparisons between guns and vehicles – usually cars – are a common fixture in the Great Internet Gun Debate. “Well,” I thought, “let’s ride that analogy train all the way to the end of the line.” So with that . . .
GLOCK (any GLOCK) & Honda Civic
Functional. Sensible. An affordable utility infielder. Collectibility potential: virtually nil.
GLOCK Racegun & Honda Civic With Spoiler
You can stick as much stuff on it as you want. It’s still what it is.
NAA Guardian & Smart Car
Dimensions pushing the lower limits of the usability range. Not particularly fun. May make you a target of ridicule amongst your peers. Useful if you live in a big city.
S&W 5906 & Ford Crown Victoria
Clunky and oversized, but generally reliable. Available stock exists almost exclusively as decommissioned police inventory.
Smith & Wesson Model 17 & Ford Woodie Wagon
Design and construction evokes a simpler time when “wood slab bolted to metal slab” construction ruled the day. Your grandpa probably owned one.
Accu-Tek .380 & Eagle Vision
Oh yeah, those. I think I’ve seen one of those before.
Beretta 21A Bobcat & Vespa
Small. Italian. Limited effective range. Also useful if you live in a big city.
Calico M950 & DeLorean
The marriage of a futuristic aesthetics and questionable performance. Both popularized by movies in the 1980s.
Beretta 92F & Hummer
Military legacy. Grossly oversized in most contexts.
“Mare’s leg” & Harley-Davidson Softail
Outlaw spirit coupled with quintessentially American style. One-handed operation not recommended.
Charter Arms Pink Lady & Dodge LaFemme
Functionally identical to its less feminine version. Pandering, paternalistic marketing strategy.
TEC-9 & Windowless White Panel Van
Highly stigmatized. Commonly associated with criminals and illicit activity. Mere ownership is sufficient to arouse suspicion.
Nambu Type 94 & 1986 Suzuki Samurai
Top-heavy. Notoriously unsafe. Better luck next time, Japan.
Any ‘Smart’ Gun & Minority Report Self-Driving Cars
Speculative technology from the annals of science fiction. Lofty ambition tail-wagging proof-of-concept dog. Exists in dystopian societies where due process has been abolished and a legal precedent for the prosecution of thought-crime is common practice.
Ruger P-series & Buick Skylark
Blocky, charmingly outdated workhorse long overtaken by sleeker models from parent manufacturer.
Taurus Judge & Chevy El Camino
Hybrid resulting in less than the sum of its constituent parts.
Hi-Point C9 & AMC Gremlin
Proof that “American-made” does not necessarily a mark of quality make. Better luck next time, America.
Tiger-Striped Desert Eagle & Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
When it comes to ridiculous, go big or go home.
What vehicle does your gun resemble?