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International Students, Here’s What You Need to Know About Guns in America to Survive Your Education. Allegedly.

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“There are nearly a million students from other countries enrolled at American colleges and universities,” qz.com informs. “Since they contribute $30 billion to the US economy, it is important that they feel welcome and safe. This article is directed at them so they can do just that.” Why would a foreign student not survive their education in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave? Because guns! Like this . . .

The most important thing to learn about America is its gun culture. Foreign observers often consider it a nationwide obsession since, with 88 guns for every 100 Americans, this country has more firearms than any other in history. With just 5% of the world’s population, it has somewhere between a third and a half of all the firearms in the hands of civilians.

Some would say that if those remaining 12 Americans could be convinced to buy guns, everyone would be safer. That is not true, but like most things in American politics, the facts don’t matter all that much. Even though research on gun violence is officially suppressedand feared, there are studies that show the more guns there are in a state, the more violent crime it has.

Well, one things for sure: the facts don’t matter all that much in this article. Suffice it to say, the United States is WAY down on the list of nations by homicide rates in the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC)’s Global Study on Homicide. If a foreign student avoids areas where gang bangers bang, they have a greater chance of winning the lottery than getting shot (or stabbed, bludgeoned, etc.). That said, qz.com’s Dennis Jett kinda acknowledges this. You know, in passing.

While this history has led to a proliferation of small arms and the violence associated with them, there is really little risk to international students. The violence mainly consists of white men committing suicide and black men being shot by other black men or, of course, the police. Nonetheless, since having a gun around triples the chances for a homicide or suicide, for your personal safety, it would be a good idea not to go to school in certain states.

Wait. What? Turns out that Mr. Jett reckons that any state that allows concealed carry on campus MUST BE AVOIDED!

States that allow guns on campus. Since guns are carried in a concealed fashion, it will never be clear who is packing one, so these are the most dangerous states: Colorado, Idaho, and Utah.

Other states allow guns on campus, but let schools decide on limitations. Since such policies are easily changed, these states should also be considered unsafe: Arkansas, Kansas, Mississippi, Oregon, Texas, and Wisconsin.

Some states allow guns to be kept in cars. Enroll in institutions in them only if you don’t intend to drive, ride in a car, or walk near a parking lot: Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, and South Carolina.

Many states provide no guidance and allow institutions to set their own rules. So check with each college you might want to attend in these states: Alabama, Alaska, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Montana, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, and West Virginia.

And let’s not forget those few remaining states where guns on campus are prohibited by law and you will be relatively safer: Illinois, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Tennessee, and Wyoming.

A few other tips for avoiding problems while in America. If you approach, or are approached by, law enforcement officers, always do so with your hands up and ask a friend to video the encounter. And finally don’t go near any borders or it will be assumed that you entered illegally.

Avoid Idaho? Spaetzle-loving German exchange students are going to be bummed. And Colorado and Utah? And skip some of the world’s best skiing? That powder’s so fine I’d be tempted to go to college in those states even if there were a few snipers on the slopes. I’d like to think that college-bound students are smart enough to know anti-American anti-gun agitprop when they read it. But then, maybe not.

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