I read that you’re casting Top Shot Season Four. Wow! It seems like just yesterday that, uh, someone won Season One. Just like what’s his/her name who won Season Two. Is Season Three over yet? I know you’re done filming, but does the general public know who shot JR? That is the last elimination challenge right? See what I did there? Excuse me for stating the obvious, but Top Shot needs a bit of ballistic shtick. I’m not saying the program is po-faced, but you guys make a heart attack seem like an all-expenses-paid weekend at the Bellagio. Would it kill you to have a top shot who knows how to take a cheap shot? Thinking out loud here . . .
If I win Season Four, does that mean that the previous three top shots are no longer the top top shot? It’s like Miss America, right? I know it’s presumptuous of me, but I’m worried about the “transfer of power” aspect of winning the competition. The last thing I want to see milling around my house at 2am is some F-list reality “star” who’s handy with a gun—with a gun.
Oh what the hell. I’m emailing to apply for a chance to compete with your host’s iridescent white teeth. I mean, 15 other people who know how to shoot straight and act like bitchy teenagers at a high school dance. Especially as I need the publicity and the competitors’ pictures and bios have a half life of Strontium-90.
I thought the whole point of elimination was, wait for it, elimination. And yet the promotional mug shots only disappear from your website once the season concludes. Every week, the show’s intro hypes competitors who are so long gone some of them no longer remember when or even if they were on the program.
As for my shooting ability, I’m great with throwing knives and wikkid pissa with a tomahawk (as we Rhode Island natives say). As for actual shooting with an actual gun, I’m way better than that balding golf pro who thinks that the cup and saucer grip is as cool as plaid golf pants. Which it almost is. I haven’t had one negligent discharge since that blond girl in Israel back in the late 80s. I swear.
I suppose I should mention that I run a website called The Truth About Guns. If I get the old heave-ho in round one I’ll have to change it to The Truth About The Guy Who Founded The Truth About Guns But Can’t Hit Shit with a Gun. Dot com. Damn! That url’s already taken. The point being: I can add at least 160,000 uniques to your viewership total, raising your ad rates by the cost of a bus ticket to “the house.” If not, I have some credit left on my card. I think.
I can shoot any number of firearms, from a revolver to a .50 caliber sniper rifle, and many at the same time. (Hope I’m not giving away any of your upcoming competitions!) More to the point, I know how to sit still with a bunch of young buff guys pretending to listen to instructions without looking like a chickenhawk.
I’m good under pressure, like when my wife says she’s forgotten something upstairs for the fifth god damn time and we’re already thirty friggin’ minutes late and I will myself to stop thinking about the Benelli M2 in the gun safe. Just kidding. It’s an FN-SCAR. Kidding! See? I did it again.
I’ve included a Top Shot audition video for your consideration. It’s not my audition, but it’s pretty good. I’m not sure I can shoot pieces of paper side-on from 15 feet, ’cause I live in Rhode Island where you have to be strapped to a table like Hannibal Lector at the gun range lest you do something that would A) increase your self-defense shooting abilities and B) increase the range’s liability insurance rates. But I know I can draw a better cow than that. Well could, with practice. And some tracing paper.
In short, I’m a nice Jewish boy from the Ocean State just like Richard Hatch, who won the first season of Survivor then “forgot” to pay his taxes and went to prison and became famous again so they put him on another reality show which he didn’t win because Donald Trump isn’t gay but really likes interior design for some reason just sayin’.
I’m hoping you’re interested in a competitor who can shoot the left testicle off a newt at one-and-a-half paces. Someone who can add a touch of post-modern irony to a show that’s so irony-free it’s not funny (how ironic is that?). Someone who can add personality to the program without sounding like a total loon—unless the script writer decides to go that way. If so, I’m your man.
Just know this: no newts were hurt in the production of this email. Yet. If you want to see your pet amphibian alive again, you know where to find me.
Thank you for contacting the casting department for History Channel’s “Top Shot.”
Casting for season 3 is now closed. However, casting is still ongoing for future seasons of Top Shot. Producers will be evaluating your submissions.
Thank you,
Casting Department
“Top Shot”
Pilgrim Films & Television