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  1. “So what, you may have won round one and made me take shelter on the floor, but just wait, I am about to break out the Derringers tattooed on my biceps, then you’ll be sorry!!

  2. My driver is doing 10 mph, my target is doing half that, and I’m less than 10 yards away… aw, f$&@ it, I’m just gonna point in his general direction and blast away.

  3. Thank heavens I paid attention to the tactical crawling portion of Magpul’s “Art of the Dynamic Handgun” DVD.

    Haley and Costa mode engage!

  4. Uhhh… Trying to line up a shot without a rear sight is impossible. Please dont hit the hostage. Please dont hit the hostage… Damnit i hit the hostage. Sorry about your shoulder ma’am , i was aiming for the guy behind you thats holding a knife to your throat.

  5. “…I’m starting to think my instructor told me cheek-weld is superior pistol shooting form just to be a dick…”

  6. Smells so toxic something must a crawled up his a$$ and died! Can’t keep my eyes open enough to shoot the poor bastard!

  7. “You may burn down my store here in Ferguson, but not before I take a few of you bastards with me!”

  8. Let’s see, keep both eyes open . . . but I’m right-handed and my left eye is dominant, so . . OW! Shit! There goes my right eye.

  9. “That’s how we roll in my hood, motherphucker!”


    I told this barber he got one more chance to make it right. I guess he thought I was bluffing.

  10. …so then the doctor asked how a slide lodged into my face, so I told him must have been an M9…

  11. “It really bothers me that Spidey said my look isn’t complete. What AM I missing?” -Nick Fury

  12. Maybe it’s just the adrenaline, or maybe I’m having a stroke. Might as well empty the magazine

  13. “The moment before I looked at this baby. My dastardly ways are a thing of the past. Party of lenin! Fortress of people, in brotherhood strong!”

  14. * Looks into mirror* “Two rounds left, angle just right. One for this side ‘stache, and one for the other. Control breathing, start to squeeze, aaaaaaand OW MY FACE!!!! @!#&~*%!!!!!!!”

  15. if i can just get ol’ paint to slow down here in the parish kitchen i can get that priest who parted my hair in the middle as a choirboy…

  16. Squeeze the trigger, solve 2 problems, I’ll deal with those meddling kids and get rid of that pesky superfluous eye.

  17. “Nyaah, copper – you’ll never take me alive, see? Nyaah, eat lead, nyaF******K!!!!! My eye, nyaah!”

  18. You know what they say…if at first you don’t succeed shooting one handed with your left hand while holding your pistol directly in front of your face, try again with the other hand.

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