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  1. Baby-Face Finster, 42, held up an area bakery last night. He escaped capture with over $350 in cash and a large chocolate cake. He is still at large and is considered armed and dangerous.

  2. What you see above is an actual photo of a gun owner’s child threatening the school cook. This madness MUST STOP!

    – The Brady Campaign

  3. Billy Phillips with a pop gun, seconds before being gunned down by police.

    Deputy Johnson: “We feared for the doughnut lady’s safety.”

  4. Chris Christie’s hatred of guns started when his mom, a baker at the Twinkie factory, was held up a gunpoint by a young Gayle Trotter.

  5. Wait, where are all the nannies complaining that he has his finger on the trigger and he’s pointing the gun at someone he doesn’t intend to shoot?

  6. “My post-nap snack is to include good vodka! You bring me that cheap Stolichnaya piss one more time, and I will have my father feed you to the dogs!”

  7. No more fricken succotash lady! I’ll poppa cap in your butt if I see that crap on the line just one more time!

  8. Kid: “I’ve got you, hand over the bread.”
    Matron:”That thing will barely go through my chef’s gown.”

  9. This is a .22 rimfire, the least powerful handgun in the world, and it will blow your hat clean off. So you gotta ask yourself a question – “Do I feel lucky?”

    Well… do ya, chef?

  10. “Though ya may have put on a few pounds, I can tell a Feinstein anywhere. No, I aint giving up my guns for cookies.”

  11. I don’t care what Michelle Obama says – I’m not eating those vegetables!

    Okay Paul Prudhomme, stop blackening all my food!

    I know you’ve got donuts – now give ’em to me!

    My gammy Dianne Feinstein gave me this gun!

    Alright, where did you hide those Golden Tickets?

    From now on, you call me Cap’n Crunch!

    Get in there and fix me some pancakes Mrs. Butterworth!

  12. Emeril Lagasses parents knew from an early age they couldnt afford to send him to cullinary school. He took matters in to his own hands.

    • Lagasse cooks food that would shame my ex-Ukraine friends. I wouldn’t let that fat ghetto filth make breakfast for my dog. He knows nothing about food.

      BAM! Is what hits the water in the toilet when one cooks his white-trash hackneyed recipes. Emeril’s food will cause the same effects of a liter of rail vodka followed by at least a dozen White Castles with extra pickles and onion, then a Steak-N-Shake Chili-3-way to top it off.

  13. Dammit Gov Christie, I said no more cheeseburgers for you!

    After reports of the attacks on Hansel and Gretal were released, children everywhere no longer felt safe and began to arm themselves. One local child’s statements to reportesr, “I don’t care what the gun laws are; I’ll be no easy meal”

  14. Although very young at the time, Comrade Putin shows he will have a promising career working for the state by pointing out to the school cook that criticism of the products from Red Flag Beet Cannery #6 will not be tolerated.

  15. “I’m telling you, that’s a man baby! Can’t fool these eyes! What did you do with the REAL Mrs. Butterworth?”

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