“What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little *****? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that **** to me over the Internet? Think again, ******. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable *** off the face of the continent, you little ****. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you ******* idiot. I will **** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******** dead, kiddo.”
Of the many problems that have cropped-up with the use of owls as law enforcement body-cams, the most problematic is the interruption of the hourly “potty break”.
I woke up in a Soho doorway
The policeman knew my name
He said, “You can go sleep at home tonight
If you can get up and walk away”
I staggered back to the underground
The breeze blew back my hair
I remembered throwing punches around
And preachin’ from my chair
Who are you
Who who who who
Who are you
Who who who who
“Break out some ID!”
“Hoo me?”
#Owllivesmatter
Ha! Winner!
Winner!-you took my bit…
Nice!
Second, to my own:
“Take me to your leader”
“You sh*t thru feathers, too?”
“Mouse hunting license? Dept. of Fish & Game? You’re talking greek to me sister.”
Good one.
“Are you my mother?”
Atleast I’m not a dog…
hands up, don’t hoot
sweet
Wings up, don’t shoot! Oh, wait… Damnit!!!
Hootie at the sobriety checkpoint… Looks like those pupils are pretty dilated Hootie!!!
If that’s Hootie, where’s the Blowfish?
I don’t think it’s a gremlin… But let’s tase it just in case.
what do you mean “show you my hands” i’m a damn owl…
You’re probably wondering why I pulled you over!?!
What crime do suspect me of committing?
Am I free to go?
The owl version of Tiananmen Square
“Staring contest!”
Who’s on first?
“We’re looking for a furby with your description.”
“o rlly?”
“Look, we can do this here, or at the station… how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”
^This wins.
…ditto that!
If this one doesn’t win I’ll sell all my guns. Well the ones that weren’t lost in the boating accident I mean.
Officer: Who are you?
Owl: Hoo
Officer: ITS A FURRBIE, TASE IT!
Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.
“Am I being detained?”
Damnit! Someone photoshop a slung AR on the owl, stat!
Screw You
“.. heel to toe please.”
Police: you are not under arrest, but you are not free to go.
Owl: did you hear what you just said?
“What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
Ranger Rick, with respect I am under no obligation to present my owl ID
Yes, I am carrying concealed (for those of us in a duty to inform state)
We’re looking for a few good hooters.
It’s “Hoochers”
One false move earthling and you’ll be yanking feathers out of your hide for a month!
Who you gonna call? Owl busters!
“No, right now, I am not above the law . . . but I can be.”
One more wisecrack, and I’m gonna grab your shoelaces!
1
2
3
DRAW!
Off-duty officer checking out the local hooters
OK, The straight line was not too bad,…
Now close your eyes, stick out your tongue and touch your nose.
“Well, I don’t think it’s a dog, but… ah, hell, just shoot it anyway”
Hands up. Don’t shoot!
Shannon’s pet owl, Utopia, snitching on the new neighbors
What? Hogwarts? Knew CLEAT was a waste.
I would like to buy a different vowel, phone a friend and get rid of Siri. What happened to TTAG edit?
Bubo, its me Perseus. That time machine was a rough ride. What year is it?
Injured bird? Call in the MRAP!
You getting out of my way or do I peck your eyeballs out?
GET ON THE GROUND, STOP RESISTING!!
“Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Who”
“You.”
“Who”
“YOU!”
“Who”
“One more time and I’m hauling you in, wise cracker!”
…”Who”
“Jaywalking! Are you sh*tting me, Barney. Don’t you have any real crime in this burg?”
Did you rob the Hooters?
Who?
You, did you rob hooters?
Who?
Officer: I’m from the government… I’m here to help.
Owl: Oh sh*t…
This is the King’s highway, and I’d advise you to make way!
Owl: “NOBODY gets in to see the Great and Powerful Oz !
No time! No how!”
Oh, wook! A Piddie
This wittle piddy went to market.
Whata ya mean no fly zone!
This is Washington DC, the most restricted air space in the world.
Wouldn’t be surprised if she shot it
“Don’t task me, bro”
^^^ Another auto-correct fail?
Truly, you want my DNA, I did not poop on your head and I don’t have fingerprints.
“What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little *****? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that **** to me over the Internet? Think again, ******. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable *** off the face of the continent, you little ****. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you ******* idiot. I will **** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******** dead, kiddo.”
“guerrilla”, just sayin’.
“There will be a day of reckoning for you non-believer! A totaling of sums! A snapping of necks! And you will count yourself among the damned!!”
*Gulp* “What bag of endangered Colorado Mountain Vole Crispy Snacks? Those were pot cookies Ma’am, I swear!”
We’re owl exterminators.
Yeah owwwlll exterminators…
No, you can’t come on the Bundy ranch! Go away, BLM!!!
Youuuuu……talkin’ ta me?
So officer, am I being detained?
Look lady, I came here to chew mouse bones and kick ass…and I’m all out of mouse bones…
RIP Roddy Piper
I’m going to ask you one more time…
Hoo are you? Hoo? Hoo?
Hey, boy, come over here. Let’s have a look at you.
https://youtu.be/L8TQZBHszI4?t=3m26s
This is a boy?
Hoo is your daddy and what does he do?
Of the many problems that have cropped-up with the use of owls as law enforcement body-cams, the most problematic is the interruption of the hourly “potty break”.
Tonight on “When Animals Attack”
It’s a trap!
“Owl? What do you mean owl? I’m a chicken hawk, see! And you’re a chicken, see? And I’m gonna EAT YOU!”
LEO:Obama has declared the rat a protected species.
Owl: But I don’t eat politicians.
Better watch it flat foot, I know Harry Potter!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be held against you in a court of law.
Hoo-hoo-Who watches the Watchmen?
Who are you to tell me who or what I can eat?
‘WTF’s a badge, primate in Halloween CosPlay costume??’
xD
“YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!”
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Poooker face,
Pooker face
Poker face
How can I help you mam?
Ok mom I’ll distract her while you raid her car. Just don’t forget to poop her on your way out so that I can fly away.
“Sir, we have word that you’re an acquaintance of the suspected hunny thief. Can you give us any information on his whereabouts?”
“Who?”
“Short guy, yellow, red t-shirt and no pants, goes by the street name ‘Pooh’.”
“Who?”
Acutely aware of the LEO reputation for shooting animal life, the owl immediately duped him into a staring contest knowing LEO would tire easily.
Another example of Walking While Feathered.
3 blind mice? Missing?
AM I BEING DETAINED
The suspect did not comply with verbal commands, so I was forced to deploy my Taser…
“I thought I was a goner until this bald guy with a fist of arrows swooped in.”
“You gotta ask yourself one question, punk . . . . do ya feel plucky?”
Feathered Lives Matter!!!!
“I don’t know what they taught you at the academy officer but this is my home, I don’t need any damn permit to carry this beak and talons.”
I woke up in a Soho doorway
The policeman knew my name
He said, “You can go sleep at home tonight
If you can get up and walk away”
I staggered back to the underground
The breeze blew back my hair
I remembered throwing punches around
And preachin’ from my chair
Who are you
Who who who who
Who are you
Who who who who
“Who the hell are you to ask me how many licks it takes….”
I will light you up!
Ma’am, I need to report a missing boy. He’s average height and build with a lightning shaped birthmark on his forehead.