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“QuikShot lets anyone with a credit card walk up to one of our street-side firearm stations, select a gun, and head out into the Windy City fully armed in just a few seconds.” – Arvind Reynolds in Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations [via]

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  1. In my fondest dreams…

    But it’s very real in one sense: the city would love nothing more than to be able to totally control access to ALL firearms within the city.

    • If the city ran that system, the machines would be out of order even more invariably than payphones.

      • Yes, between using lowest-bidder-ammunition (and pocketing the difference) and only cleaning the guns every 10,000 rounds, I’m sure Rahm’s lackeys could make some money while running that into the ground just like everything else.

  2. I’m looking forward to the Facebook panic from morons that don’t realize the onion is satire.

  3. And then when I awoke~Rahm Emanuel……..then I pulled the covers……’twas but a dream.

  4. FINALLY I understand why Chicago won’t allow normal people to carry their own guns-it interferes with one of their political machine’s profit centers.

  5. The Onion has pretty much gone full retard. They used to have funny articles about playing “Eye of The Tiger” to troops in Iraq and solving problems of violence with…more violence. There “Beer! F$&# Yeah!” article was – a funny headline. “Police rush to scene of car alarm” was decent.

    Now they are just a bunch of lefties engaged in varying degrees of douchebaggery. And most of it isn’t particularly funny. Not sure if their readership has plummeted like the LA Times, but it’ll probably go that way.

    If anyone knows a good source of Independent Constitutional Conservative humor, let me know.

    • I used to frequent their site, but at some point (after Sandy Hook I think) they started showing their true liberal wacko colors, and I’ve never been there since. In a way, it’s like watching Colbert or Stewart. Yeah, there’ll be some funny jokes but the hosts are very misguided and have too much liberal slant, which eventually makes it unwatchable.

    • Check out Duffel Blog: Its onion-y, but not Liberal.

      BTW, the guys behind the Onion, while hilarious, ARE the stereotypical NYC Liberals. They shit on us and everything we believe in in real life, too.

    • I followed them on Facebook because I remembered them being hilarious, then after Sandy Hook the humor wore thin as a veneer. I don’t even care about then enough to stop following them.

      People try to hide truth in jokes, so following them kinda sorta helps me keep tabs on how the collective herp is derping (sorry, been reading to much cheezburger network) at any given time, and I really can’t stomach frequenting Salon.

    • I find they are hit and miss. Most of their articles suck, are not funny, or are completely politically slanted. However, there’s that one diamond among all the coal, that is a genuinely hilarious story. And, when you find those, you can’t stop laughing.

    • The Onion was better when it was based in Madison, WI. It was still lefty, but the city is surrounded by Normal, so it didn’t get too nuts.

      One it went to NYC, where soft helmets are issued at the city border, it went south fast.

  6. It’s that easy to buy “illegal” guns on the streets… Except the streets don’t take plastic, and you’ll have to make the check out to “Cash.”

  7. Today, in Chicago, you still have to go through a street vendor for guns in something called the Black Market. You can find these vendors in those areas with the highest crime, which is convenient. Often, the same street vendors sell other commodities such as recreational pharmaceuticals. These vendors are usually members of larger organizations called Gangs that import their goods from places like Mexico or acquire their goods through freelancers often called burglars or robbers which get you the best prices possible for their merchandise. Will Chicago automate purchasing guns undercutting the Chicago Black Market? I am sure the Black Market lobby will argue that it will adversely threaten their employees ability to make a living wage and make timely payoffs to city politicians.

  8. This is why I love the childish “ammosexual” meme so much. To paraphrase A Time to Kill, “Close your eyes and imagine that being gay in Chicago had for decades carried a heavy federal sentence, and when it was finally decided by the supreme court that they should at least be allowed to kiss in the closet, some bloviating bigot publication such as a segregation era southern newspaper printed a “satire” article insisting that leather vests and ass chaps were now available in vending machines. Now open your eyes, and imagine that wearing ass chaps in public was a constitutional right…”

  9. The funny thing is that todays “news” from mainstream media outlets has become so ridiculous and propaganda based, that it has become very onion-esque in its daily sheep/herd feed headines.

  10. Mockery and disdain are the desperate bastion of people who have no compelling facts or arguments to advance their cause.

    It must really suck to be one of those people.

  11. They already have that in Chicago – except you don’t use a credit card at a station – you use cash at the trunk of a car in a parking lot or the alley.

  12. “allowing them to brandish and discharge one or more rounds wherever they choose to in the city”

    I’m generaly an Onion fan, I work in Madison WI so I’ve known it from its local beginnings but…
    In my mind, with the quote above, it went from very clever sarcasm to to propaganda. Nothing humorous would have been lost if that line had not been included.

    • Plus this quote from the article:

      “… or you can simply take in the great view of the Magnificent Mile from the roof deck of the Hancock tower through a scoped sniper rifle.”

      I’m sure that would end well. One more ‘gun nut’ bites the dust.

  13. And all I thought on seeing this was:”Tell your friends, …Marcus Munitions!”

    I love playing Borderlands…

  14. Where I live, the gangbangers already do something like this. The local cops have gotten pretty good at catching them with illegal weapons. To counter this, they hide their guns in public places and only retrieve them to do a drive by.

  15. Lighten up everyone. This may be the ONLY Onion article I ever found funny. I live very close to Chicago too. I pretty much avoid Onion crap but my 40year old son continually puts Onion garbage on his Facebook site. And I tell him it ain’t funny…

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