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“Recently, I made an unexpected discovery,” Suarez International Staff Instructor JD Lester writes at “I had previously considered how to carry the Uzi Carbine discreetly, but had come up short. I wanted something that discreetly stored my Uzi in a ready to use condition. However, because my 16” barreled Uzi is much longer than a laptop, even with its stock collapsed, laptop bags would not do, and non-tactical backpacks offered no rapid proactive deployment options.” Doncha just hate it when that happens? “Then, I came across my Suchka Bag (available at One Source Tactical), so I thought I would give it a try and see what I could come up with for the Uzi. Since it is not being used for the Suchka I renamed the bag the ‘Dorito of Death’ which was derived from the bags shape and its contents.” I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t get any better than that. I’m laughing too hard to type. No really.

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  1. “In 2013,it came to our attention that there was a holster called the ‘Dorito of Death’.As Mayor of New York City I’ve taken the steps to ban sales of all Dorito chips in city limits.We will not allow our streets to be taken over by thugs with Doritos of Death! BTW,I have no comment on a pending lawsuit against the city regarding an arrest for illegal possession of a Big Gulp with intent to consume…..”

    • Sorta like a violin case and tommy gun. Made the 20’s roar. Or so I’ve been told by hollywood. And you can trust them.

  2. Thieves scanning interior of bank during robbery to determine who is carrying concealed…
    “Don’t worry about that guy he’s just got a Suchka bag. Let’s concentrate on fanny packs and leather vests.”

  3. I have to wonder if this guy actually carries an Uzi around with him now that he’s made this discovery. My assumption is that he was more interested in the discovery that people would give him money if he acted like he could whip Chuck Norris, one Dorito at a time.

    If you take him seriously, what he’s done is take a bag that appears like it was designed by his own company to carry a rifle caliber weapon in the hopes that the zombies will actually rise, or the ninjas will actually jump out the next time he goes to the mall, and put a pistol caliber long gun in it.

    Just to be clear, Mr. Lester may well be tougher and more skilled than I am. But so is Chuck Norris.

  4. I use this 5.11 Select Carry bag as a laptop bag to commute to work, thanks to the stabilizing strap that makes it much more comfortable. I’ve never used the “Dorito of Death” portion to carry an SMG or SBR, but I have occasionally used the front portion when off-body carry was my only option.

  5. I actually have this backpack. According to the manufacturer it was originally intended to carry an MP5 with a collapsed wire stock, but since I don’t actually have an MP5 (because I suck, and HK hates me) the bag is usually relegated to more mundane tasks like carrying groceries (I live walking distance from a grocery store). It’s actually the biggest and most comfortable sling-style pack I have thus-far encountered, and the stabilization strap that it comes with is very handy. It’s one of the few pieces of tacti-cool mall ninja gear that I can actually wear in public, what’s not to love? 😛

    • No its not HK who hates you, its Reagan who hates and distrusts you by signing into law the Hughes amendment.

  6. I use a tennis racket bag for my SBR. During Hurricane Gustav I carried it discreetly around town for a week while the city was going nuts. No one gave me a second look except for a few people who asked where I play tennis.

  7. Suarez International is ran by Gabe Suarez, he is a corrupt ex-cop who plead guilty to workmans comp fraud, money laundering and grand theft for defrauding Santa Monica, CA out of over $100,000. As part of his plea bargain the state dropped the perjury and conspriacy charges he faced. He got off easy, spending only 7 months or 1 year in jail (sources vary) for his crimes. His wife also went to jail for assisting him in his crimes. During the investigation he had a mental break down in which he plotted to kill his fellow officers, until he had a hallucination, where god talked him out of it:

    • OK, but you have to admit, the dude offers top of the line weapon systems, through One Source Tactical, and their training programs have to be some of the best in the world for civies and LEO alike.

      • OST’s motto of “Dangerous Things For Dangerous People” is certainly applicable to Gabe. As far as your claim of top of the line weapon systems, OST doesnt offer anything you cant get elsewhere for a better price. Their main page has a bunch of Sig rifles, a FS2000, and a PTR 91. Their prices are really high, their FS2000 is $2000, and they claim they are saving you $800. Compared to the same rifle on gunbroker with a buy it now of $1700. And is a HK knockoff really a top of the line weapon system?

        As far as SI’s training program, what do they offer that you cant get from any other reputible trainer, besides a lot of hype?

        Do you really want to support a mentally ill self admited criminal, and wouldbe spree killer with your money? Are you going to donate to James Holmes defense fund too?

  8. I actually have that backpack. I use it to carry stuff around campus.

    By the same token, no guns allowed.

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