In Bullet to the Head, anti-gun rights guy Sylvester Stallone plays Mumbles from the old Dick Tracy series. OK, he mostly just sounds like him. Sly is a New Orleans hit man named James “Bobo” Bonomo. Taking care of Big Easy bidness with partner Louis Blanchard (Jon Seda), Bobo’s career goes off the rails after a contract on one Hank Greely. Why Greely? Like Lord Alfred Tennyson, Bobo’s is not to wonder why. Surprisingly (or not if you’ve ever watched a movie before) Bonomo spares the life of a prostitute soaping-up the goods in the shower while Bobo goes ballistic with a silenced Colt Woodsman. (Head shot, ‘natch.) Bobo is a killer with a shiny gun, a face like a burn victim and a heart of gold . . .
A few hours after capping Greely, the happy hitmen are winding down at a Crescent City zydeco bar, waiting for their contact to arrive with the payoff. While Bobo is draining the snake in the salle de bain pour hommes, a cruelly handsome giant (Jason Momoa) guts Bobo’s BFF like a fish. Then the big dude goes after Bobo, who’s still hanging out — literally — in the men’s room.
The rollicking good time had by the 6’4” giant and the diminutive 66-year-old steroid abuser sets the tone for the rest of the movie: two doods rolling around the floor of a backwoods Louisiana roadhouse toilet busting walls and toilets like they’re made out of cheap plywood and brittle plastic (they are).
Bobo and scary knife guy (a.k.a., Keegan) survive the Battle of the Porcelain Convenience, sparing the movie crew from unemployment. The contract killer and the contract killer are both tasked with killing a bunch of people before they can meet-up for their final attempt to push the boundaries of homoerotic violence.
In the intervening gap, Washington, D.C. cop Taylor Kwan (heroically underplayed by Sung Kang) arrives to provide some comic relief. Bobo’s killed Kwan’s partner (Greely), who Kwan didn’t like, conveniently enough. Other than the fact that neither man breaks a sweat in America’s ninth most humid metropolis, Kwan and Bobo have nothing in common. So . . . they team up! Who saw that one coming?
Bullet to the Head is as predictable as a Swiss train. The movie tries to relieve the monotony with kink. There’s quasi-sexual repartee with a beautiful braless tattoo babe—who turns out to be Bobo’s daughter. And some naked hitman action after a bust-up in a Turkish bathhouse (above) with a cute girl watching, ending with a Beretta 92FS. The interrogation scene with Jack Nicholson’s clone (above) threatens to go all Tarantino, but finishes quickly with a Winchester 1894.
Am I giving too much away? I didn’t name the movie. Nor did Bullet to the Head invent the cop-and-crook-forced-to-work-together genre. It’s a slightly more violent version of Walter Hill’s 48 Hours. The same Walter Hill who directed Bullet to the Head. Thirty-one years later, Hill gets the action right—including dancing red dots and Glocks a plenty—and the buddy part wrong. Equally, the performances are [Judge] dreadful.
Sylvester Stallone may have a lifetime achievement award from the American Somnambulist Society, but he’s capable of better work. One word: Copland. It’s painful watching Sly in pain, unable to turn his head or a phrase. Or maybe he was as constipated as the dialogue.
Sung Kang, the actor who elevated “Fast and Furious – Tokyo Drift” from the ridiculous to the sublime, turns in a performance that’s as flat as bin dae duk. Kang seems carefully coached in the art of not upstaging Stallone; an easy task for which he deserves an Academy Award. I guess he’ll just have to settle for five million dollars and a couple of points.
Wielding an FNP-45 Tactical in FDE with an open red dot sight as an EDC, Jason Momoa is the show stopper Sly didn’t see coming. Yeah, that Jason Momoa. From Baywatch. And the remake of Conan the Barbarian. With those credentials you’d expect Momoa to suck eggs. Instead he sucks the air out Stallone’s scenes. If Momoa can avoid death by Viper room and scripts like Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, his action movie career is assured.
That said, anyone who’d agree to be seen on screen with the world’s wimpiest red dot optic perched atop a Kel-Tec KSG bullpup shotgun runs the risk of starring in a wretched comedy. Luckily, the hit squad that follows Keegan’s lead into Bobo’s bayou safe house cut loose with Heckler & Koch UMPs, restoring ballistic honor.
No such luck for Bullet to the Head. It’s a solid action adventure movie that’s reeks of missed opportunities. All this movie needed, really, was a script and characters that someone, anyone, would care about.
SPECIFICATIONS:
Model: Bullet in the Head
Caliber: Magnum dopus
Length: 91 minutes
Action: Galore with plenty of gore and blood on the floor
Finish: Sequel, anyone?
Price: About $30 with popcorn and a soda
RATINGS (out of five bullets):
Style * * * *
Who knew that sudden death was an art form? The body count is somewhere between Commando and The Thin Red Line. The fight scenes are well choreographed, especially the final showdown – with axes — between Stallone and Momoa. The nighttime firefight is a thing of beauty.
Reliability * *
Stallone delivers exactly what you expect from Stallone, which means that all his dialog should be subtitled. For such a stylish and engaging actor, Sung Kang is a major disappointment. The supporting cast is much better, especially Jason Momoa who almost steals the show.
Overall * * * 1/2
There are worse ways to waste time and money, but the fact that this film was released on Super Bowl weekend tells you everything you need to know.
You should not put money in the pockets of a hypocrite. Or in fact waste your time it looked really cheesy.
I saw this movie on Saturday.
I enjoyed this review of the movie a lot more than I enjoyed the movie itself.
A guy named Bonomo who’s a hitman? Could it be someone’s evil twin?
Yay! Now I’ll never have to watch this. Not that I would anyway. Ron Paul and Stallone should watch this together and then they can go choke on metamucil and FOAD.
Wont spend a dime on it. Don’t watch Stallone or Schwarzenegger movies any more. I don’t support elitist hypocrites. Despite all my acquaintances telling me I would love Django, won’t buy that either.
http://www.house.leg.state.mn.us/htv/schedule.asp
They will be streaming the hearing on these bills at 10am. I know I will be watching.
Methinks Mr. Morgan expected from Ted what he got from Alex Jones.
Methinks Mr. Morgan’s gonna rethink that strategy.
For all his faults, Ted Nugent has never been more eloquent and sound in his defense of 2A rights than he is now. If only we could get him, Mr. Colion Noir, and Nutnfancy or Sturmgewehre a primetime slot on every major news network…
Keep it up, Nuge!
Are you nuts? You can’t put nutnfancy on regular tv – the guy can’t make any point in under 20 minutes. You’d need an hour with no commercials to ask him two questions.
I got one of these last spring just after they came out. My only gripe was that the iron sights did not seem to line up. By that I mean when I had a correct sight picture, my shots were going low and right. I popped in my laser bore sighter and the red dot was high and left. Just a bit, but it was annoying. I mounted a simple holo sight on it and got her dialed in and now she shoots perfect. No deviation in shot placement even after multiple assembly / dissassembly cycles. The only gripe now is that the rubberized scope cover drags on the stock compartment when pulling it out. And this gun has fired every type of 22LR ammo I’ve fed it, from the “value pack” cheapo ammo to the CCI Stinger HV ammo. No malfunctions or FTF/FTE issues.
Help. Can you guys please suggest sites for me to post an ad that I have a dozen new Magpuls for sale? I’m familiar with ArmsList.com, and anti-gun Craigslist keeps removing my postings. Thanks.
try gunbroker.com
Guarantee this guy voted for Obama. He’s for big government and high taxes (socially liberal). He believes in the discredited science of climate change, really? If asked, he’d be one of the first to turn in his firearms and he’d be turning in his neighbors. You can’t pick which parts of the constitution you want to follow, its all or nothing. The enemy of your enemy is not always your friend. But hey, maybe i’m at the wrong blog, perhaps the writers here are firm believers in big government, man made global warming that can only be fixed by raising taxes on everyone and taxpayer funded abortions on demand.
Next Stop Iowa…and I bet you money that he comes to Iowa City (which happens to be one of the most liberal cities in the world.)
Nice, got all artsy with the monochromatic scheme.
The last statement on his paper is very true and I wish the anti gunners would understand that.
Not a cigarette paper between the two sides can be squeezed, they are so alike in their need for violent encounters.
One side seeks a fight using street brawling techniques preluded by threats of collective assault and the energizing of an inhuman force-field system made of ‘people power’ (useful idiots whom make up the first wave to every street clash), and the other side seeks a ballistic based firefight literally promising all coming contestants that collateral and unintended damages are unavoidable due to the unlimited bullet capacity rules belligerent & or criminal forces play by when the games begin.
Un-involved parties are expected to just shut up & put up with how the world works.
Someone of high reputation once said “In a man to man fight, the winner is he who has one more round in his magazine.”
With this in mind it makes very good sense for Government to keep close watch on Militia groups who are learning at the standard rate which History provides.
If you watch this film (or The Excrables I & II) you’ll probably want A Bullet to the Head…
Those brown shirts in the Peanut Gallery speak volumes.
By July American Servitude will have proceeded so far, violence unleashed against the disarmed Middle Class so extreme as to make the report insignificant
We already have TOO MUCH gun control. That’s the message that needs to be repeated over and over.
“I respect your opinion and I respect you coming down to talk to me” Really Piers, that made me laugh.
Amen TOTAL LOGIC!!!
http://adask.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/unalienable-vs-inalienable/
Don’t like brackets? It eliminates the link entirely. What’s with that?
Welcome!
Even as a subject of Lord Cuomo I have conflicting feelings about this tactic.
Smells like an Obama voter. Get a rope.
When seconds count, the police are only a minutes away; depending on the size of their latte or how hot their mall employee girlfriend is or whether they’re napping under a tree in the park. I think that’s how the saying goes.
I would call a 30 round mag a “standard” round magazine…pmag is the leader and the 30 is the most common by far. now a 100 round drum magazine is a “high capacity” mag
“In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship evil’s might
Beware my power–Green Lantern’s light!”
I think it’s pretty awesome we got several *ahem* geeks *ahem* here on TTAG. Thanks for speaking out, Prof.Bathrobe!
It’s a Ferrari 612 Scagletti…U win haha
“No Right is Absolute”
Which right will keep me from taking away, all your others?
How absolute is it?
You better pray.