Irresponsible Gun Owner of the Day: Andrew Quarless

South Beach. 5:30 am. A Porsche. A car full of women. A holiday weekend. Throw a 29-year-old professional athlete with a .45 pistol into the mix and, well, what could possibly go wrong? “According to the parking attendant, Quarless and another man — identified as Michael Ritchie, a 31-year-old from New York — were leaving the garage in a black Porsche Panamera when they approached a white car filled with several women. An argument ensued, with the attendant hearing the women yell ‘No, get away, leave me alone!'” Apparently public rejection in south Florida is a cue for a young man to assert himself . . .

That’s when Quarless took out a semi-automatic handgun — ID’d by police as a .45 caliber weapon — and fired two shots, one straight up into the sky. Why? When police later interviewed a woman in Quarless’ car, she said he’d fired “in an attempt to emphasize his dominance and manhood.”

While obviously no Rhodes Scholar, Quarless was apparently self-aware enough to realize he’d just stepped over the line.

Police quickly responded when the parking attendant called 911, and found the black Porsche a few blocks away. Quarless was soon found trying to hide in front of Siena Tavern, police say, “attempting to conceal himself and a black firearm in a nearby plant.”

That must be some hibiscus. The big tight end is 6’4″ and goes 252 pounds. Maybe he figured, being that profoundly stupid, the local 5-0 would have trouble distinguishing him from a potted plant.

Police dug the gun out of the plant and later matched rounds found on the ground near the garage with the gun. Quarless was arrested on a misdemeanor account of firing a firearm in public and taken to Turner Knight Guilford Correctional Center for processing.

Quarless can probably afford a good attorney. And he’ll probably need very good one. Maybe he can claim post-concussion syndrome impaired his judgement. Or something.

Packers training camp is less than a month away. Looks like they’ll be in the market for another big, over-the-middle target for Aaron Rodgers. And since Quarless probably won’t be winning anything in the NFL for a while — if ever, now — we’ll be sending him some hardware to fill that spot on his shelf where the Lombardi trophy would might have gone.



  1. avatar What about Bob says:

    Packer fan here, isn’t this more of a Detroit kind of crime?

    1. avatar Rad Man says:

      No worries, the Patriots will be going 13-3 and will win the Super Bowl again anyway.

    2. avatar Jason says:

      Another Packers fan here.

      Quarless’ entire career can be defined as, “Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane”. It’s a shame his off-field game lacks like his on-field one does.

      1. avatar Chris says:

        The NFL will STILL probably give this guy a lesser sentence than they’ve given Brady. :-/

  2. avatar DavidY says:

    I wonder if he had a Florida carry permit?

  3. avatar the ruester says:

    Great now Bob Costas can hyperventilate some more.

    1. avatar David N says:

      There is a cure for Bob’s condition. Normally, they breathe into a paper bag until the episode is over.

      For his particular condition, may I suggest duct taping the bag to his face?

  4. avatar ready,fire,aim says:

    this is why I’m in favor of the no head to head contact rule…..see what happens….one too many hits to the ole coconut

  5. avatar TravisP says:

    Hey NFL, it seems your players tend to handle guns quite unsafely, I mean according to USA today 3 out of 4 players own a firearm. Unfortunately we hear time and time again of NFL players and these accidents, giving a black eye to the NFL. So as a NRA certified instructor I will gladly hold classes for your players, i figure once a year a team can undergo a firearms training course, paid and provided by the NFL of course. I will only charge 1 million dollars. Per year, per team……. per player.

    1. avatar PeterC says:

      Don’t say, “black eye.” It’s racist.

  6. avatar Chris M says:

    While I enjoyed the justifiably snarky comments regarding Mr. Quarless’ questionable intelligence, I couldn’t help but cringe when the write demonstrated his own lack of a clew regarding the proper homophone to use. I doubt that public rejection had anyone lining up to assert themselves, even if Mr. Quarless is big enough for two ordinary people. But I can believe that he took such rejection as a cue to misbehave. (I know, it can probably be blamed on an impertinent but semiliterate spell checker with a limited dictionary but it was still good for a laugh.)

    1. avatar Chris M says:

      er, “when the writer” not “when the write” … I blame a sticky keyboard with a stiff key. :/

      1. avatar BrickFrog says:

        heh… what about clew? sticky keyboard strikes again?

        1. avatar Another Robert says:

          No, that was part of his illustration of the author’s mistake (“clew” instead of “clue” mirrors “queue” instead of “cue”). Get it?

  7. avatar Accur81 says:

    Damnit! No Pack No! No desk pops, garage pops, or .45 caliber “manhood” pops. Looks like the Packers might be down three good players for their season opener against the Bears.

    Yes, I know the NFL Managememt is anti gun. I still love football, though.

  8. avatar Javier says:

    This is so fd up. He gets shot down in flames and tries to impress by flashing a gun. Playing with balls not having them. Or the intelligence to know the difference.

  9. avatar Not Jimbo says:

    I hate to be that guy, but “cue”, not queue.

  10. avatar Ralph says:

    Instead of an All-Pro Team, the National Felony League should recognize an All-Prisoner Team. It would kick ass!

    1. avatar Accur81 says:

      It would pound ass.

      1. avatar Dustin says:

        I wonder how the post-game locker room interviews would go? Would the other teams become self-conscious about all that ass slapping?

  11. avatar Cliff H says:

    You train young warriors to act like warriors in a game that simulates one-on-one tribal warfare and then your are surprised when they go out in public and act like young warriors? Seems odd.

    And please don’t go to the tribal warfare=racism meme. The concept of sports as a surrogate for warfare was not dreamed up by me.

    1. avatar Irish1776 says:

      Are you seriously defending this bozo? If he doesn’t have the intelligence to differentiate between a game played on a field and reality, he is seriously mentally ill. An actor may spend moths pretending to be someone else for a role, but that is no excuse for their behavior off the set.

      You are correct in that social engineers such as Edward Bernays (or the sociopaths behind the Tavistock Institute) have encouraged team sports as a surrogate and distraction to channel males adrenaline and testosterone into something that isn’t a threat to the tyrannical establishment and bankster oligarchies. Since you know that, then you must be aware that all laws and regulations are selectively enforced. “One law for them, another one for us.”

      Frankly I am quite sick of the double standard where politicians, athletes, and other rich and/or famous individuals are not held to the same standards of punishment for their crimes. So I’m wondering if you have some sort of Stockholm syndrome, because I am having a hard time understanding the reasoning behind your apologist millionaire-victim theory that his actions are somehow excusable because he participates in pro sports.

      1. avatar Cliff H says:

        Most certainly NOT defending anything he or any of his miscreant fellow sports players do that is this flagrantly stupid,. I was just pointing out how foolish it seems to act surprised when they do it.

        1. avatar Stinkeye says:

          Is it really that foolish to expect people, no matter what job they do or how much money they make at it, to simply display the absolute barest minimum of civilized behavior?

        2. avatar Cliff H says:

          You are referring to Progressive Democrat politicians as part of that group, I suppose?

  12. avatar SD3 says:

    “…arrested on a misdemeanor account of firing a firearm in public…”

    Jesus Christ. How about brandishing a firearm? Or threatening some one’s life? Or one of those “terrorist threat” charges we hear about these days?

    I guess those charges don’t apply to million dollar snowflakes.

  13. avatar Bigred2989 says:

    On the next episode of “Ballers”…

  14. avatar Bill Kohnke says:

    Maybe he should try heeding his surname and quarrel less.

  15. avatar Another Robert says:

    I’m not exactly sure what makes Dan think something like this is going to mess up a first-string NFL player’s career. Haven’t those guys skated on a lot more serious stuff? Unless it’s because–well, gunz…

    1. avatar Chip Bennett says:

      Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson agree.

  16. avatar T Edgar says:

    Go Pack, go. As a long suffering Vikings fan I revel in stupidity not committed by the Vikes…

  17. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    Nothing gets chicks in the sack like reckless gun play. This guy gets it.

    1. avatar Dustin says:

      A certain kind you don’t take home to mom, anyway…

  18. avatar Doug says:

    Dan, I enjoy your posts. Good things in there. Spell check. Twice. Let the commenters be the ones to look like we don’t care.

    1. avatar L,John says:

      Cliff H, respectfully, football players are not warriors. They are football players. Our warriors are over in the Middle East putting their necks on the block for our country.

  19. avatar Chip Bennett says:

    Pssst: hey, North Carolina LEO: this is what “going armed to the terror of the public” looks like.

  20. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    Go Bears! Maybe they’ll be .500 again…sigh. I just wish Jay Cutler would demonstrate his manliness…

  21. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    Go Bears! Maybe they can win more than 5 games-sigh…

  22. avatar engineear says:

    Would the woman in a previous article that felt fear when seeing a white guy, who was open carrying in a book store, feel safe around the Panamera owner? Just wondering.

  23. avatar Biff Baxter says:

    “Assert my dominance and manhood”.

    A classic.

    1. avatar Alan W. Rose says:

      Obviously he pulled the wrong rod out of his pants.

      1. avatar Dustin says:

        Because either one would be appropriate?

  24. avatar Mark Chamberlain says:

    It will be interesting to compare how this guy is treated to how Plaxico Burress was treated. He got two years for his negligent discharge of a firearm in a NYC establishment and he didn’t threaten anybody.

  25. avatar Alan W. Rose says:

    He fired one round into the sky. Where did he fire the other round?

    Obviously he was just celebrating the 4th?

  26. avatar Dustin says:

    To assert his dominance and manliness? Guns can do that?

    It looks more like a total lack of those traits, followed by a desperate extreme plea to feel like something he’s not…

    I believe it’s called “flexin.” If you have to prove you’re a man, then you’re not… Misuse of a gun sure as sh!t won’t get you there…

  27. avatar Dustin says:

    Holy sh!t! An autoplay video ad, really?!

    Get your dick out of the ceiling fan, TTAG. You’re doing it wrong.

  28. avatar Dustin says:

    “And he’ll probably need very good one.”

    “And he’ll probably need [a] very good one.”

    Started the sentence with a conjunction. A grey area, I admit… If I kept track of the sentences ended with prepositions, the dangled participles, and the split infinitives; I’d run out of brain-space to store them all…

    Grammar Nazi out…

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