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South Beach. 5:30 am. A Porsche. A car full of women. A holiday weekend. Throw a 29-year-old professional athlete with a .45 pistol into the mix and, well, what could possibly go wrong? “According to the parking attendant, Quarless and another man — identified as Michael Ritchie, a 31-year-old from New York — were leaving the garage in a black Porsche Panamera when they approached a white car filled with several women. An argument ensued, with the attendant hearing the women yell ‘No, get away, leave me alone!'” Apparently public rejection in south Florida is a cue for a young man to assert himself . . .

That’s when Quarless took out a semi-automatic handgun — ID’d by police as a .45 caliber weapon — and fired two shots, one straight up into the sky. Why? When police later interviewed a woman in Quarless’ car, she said he’d fired “in an attempt to emphasize his dominance and manhood.”

While obviously no Rhodes Scholar, Quarless was apparently self-aware enough to realize he’d just stepped over the line.

Police quickly responded when the parking attendant called 911, and found the black Porsche a few blocks away. Quarless was soon found trying to hide in front of Siena Tavern, police say, “attempting to conceal himself and a black firearm in a nearby plant.”

That must be some hibiscus. The big tight end is 6’4″ and goes 252 pounds. Maybe he figured, being that profoundly stupid, the local 5-0 would have trouble distinguishing him from a potted plant.

Police dug the gun out of the plant and later matched rounds found on the ground near the garage with the gun. Quarless was arrested on a misdemeanor account of firing a firearm in public and taken to Turner Knight Guilford Correctional Center for processing.

Quarless can probably afford a good attorney. And he’ll probably need very good one. Maybe he can claim post-concussion syndrome impaired his judgement. Or something.

Packers training camp is less than a month away. Looks like they’ll be in the market for another big, over-the-middle target for Aaron Rodgers. And since Quarless probably won’t be winning anything in the NFL for a while — if ever, now — we’ll be sending him some hardware to fill that spot on his shelf where the Lombardi trophy would might have gone.


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    • There is a cure for Bob’s condition. Normally, they breathe into a paper bag until the episode is over.

      For his particular condition, may I suggest duct taping the bag to his face?

  1. this is why I’m in favor of the no head to head contact rule…..see what happens….one too many hits to the ole coconut

  2. Hey NFL, it seems your players tend to handle guns quite unsafely, I mean according to USA today 3 out of 4 players own a firearm. Unfortunately we hear time and time again of NFL players and these accidents, giving a black eye to the NFL. So as a NRA certified instructor I will gladly hold classes for your players, i figure once a year a team can undergo a firearms training course, paid and provided by the NFL of course. I will only charge 1 million dollars. Per year, per team……. per player.

  3. While I enjoyed the justifiably snarky comments regarding Mr. Quarless’ questionable intelligence, I couldn’t help but cringe when the write demonstrated his own lack of a clew regarding the proper homophone to use. I doubt that public rejection had anyone lining up to assert themselves, even if Mr. Quarless is big enough for two ordinary people. But I can believe that he took such rejection as a cue to misbehave. (I know, it can probably be blamed on an impertinent but semiliterate spell checker with a limited dictionary but it was still good for a laugh.)

        • No, that was part of his illustration of the author’s mistake (“clew” instead of “clue” mirrors “queue” instead of “cue”). Get it?

  4. Damnit! No Pack No! No desk pops, garage pops, or .45 caliber “manhood” pops. Looks like the Packers might be down three good players for their season opener against the Bears.

    Yes, I know the NFL Managememt is anti gun. I still love football, though.

  5. This is so fd up. He gets shot down in flames and tries to impress by flashing a gun. Playing with balls not having them. Or the intelligence to know the difference.

  6. Instead of an All-Pro Team, the National Felony League should recognize an All-Prisoner Team. It would kick ass!

  7. You train young warriors to act like warriors in a game that simulates one-on-one tribal warfare and then your are surprised when they go out in public and act like young warriors? Seems odd.

    And please don’t go to the tribal warfare=racism meme. The concept of sports as a surrogate for warfare was not dreamed up by me.

    • Are you seriously defending this bozo? If he doesn’t have the intelligence to differentiate between a game played on a field and reality, he is seriously mentally ill. An actor may spend moths pretending to be someone else for a role, but that is no excuse for their behavior off the set.

      You are correct in that social engineers such as Edward Bernays (or the sociopaths behind the Tavistock Institute) have encouraged team sports as a surrogate and distraction to channel males adrenaline and testosterone into something that isn’t a threat to the tyrannical establishment and bankster oligarchies. Since you know that, then you must be aware that all laws and regulations are selectively enforced. “One law for them, another one for us.”

      Frankly I am quite sick of the double standard where politicians, athletes, and other rich and/or famous individuals are not held to the same standards of punishment for their crimes. So I’m wondering if you have some sort of Stockholm syndrome, because I am having a hard time understanding the reasoning behind your apologist millionaire-victim theory that his actions are somehow excusable because he participates in pro sports.

      • Most certainly NOT defending anything he or any of his miscreant fellow sports players do that is this flagrantly stupid,. I was just pointing out how foolish it seems to act surprised when they do it.

        • Is it really that foolish to expect people, no matter what job they do or how much money they make at it, to simply display the absolute barest minimum of civilized behavior?

        • You are referring to Progressive Democrat politicians as part of that group, I suppose?

  8. “…arrested on a misdemeanor account of firing a firearm in public…”

    Jesus Christ. How about brandishing a firearm? Or threatening some one’s life? Or one of those “terrorist threat” charges we hear about these days?

    I guess those charges don’t apply to million dollar snowflakes.

  9. I’m not exactly sure what makes Dan think something like this is going to mess up a first-string NFL player’s career. Haven’t those guys skated on a lot more serious stuff? Unless it’s because–well, gunz…

  10. Dan, I enjoy your posts. Good things in there. Spell check. Twice. Let the commenters be the ones to look like we don’t care.

    • Cliff H, respectfully, football players are not warriors. They are football players. Our warriors are over in the Middle East putting their necks on the block for our country.

  11. Go Bears! Maybe they’ll be .500 again…sigh. I just wish Jay Cutler would demonstrate his manliness…

  12. Would the woman in a previous article that felt fear when seeing a white guy, who was open carrying in a book store, feel safe around the Panamera owner? Just wondering.

  13. It will be interesting to compare how this guy is treated to how Plaxico Burress was treated. He got two years for his negligent discharge of a firearm in a NYC establishment and he didn’t threaten anybody.

  14. He fired one round into the sky. Where did he fire the other round?

    Obviously he was just celebrating the 4th?

  15. To assert his dominance and manliness? Guns can do that?

    It looks more like a total lack of those traits, followed by a desperate extreme plea to feel like something he’s not…

    I believe it’s called “flexin.” If you have to prove you’re a man, then you’re not… Misuse of a gun sure as sh!t won’t get you there…

  16. “And he’ll probably need very good one.”

    “And he’ll probably need [a] very good one.”

    Started the sentence with a conjunction. A grey area, I admit… If I kept track of the sentences ended with prepositions, the dangled participles, and the split infinitives; I’d run out of brain-space to store them all…

    Grammar Nazi out…


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