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Big Horn Armory is going great guns. Not only do they have my order for a S&W500-firing Model 89, but they have another 2000 or so. They’re expanding their facilities, buying equipment and hiring gunmakers. All whilst vowing to maintain the quality that’s made them famous. And taking time out to write weird shit like this . . .

Obadiah was a field mouse living on his land out in the country in Wyoming. Because of his hard work, he was a successful farmer and business mouse. However, Obadiah was completely surrounded by large cats. Some of these cats had land with mineral rights that, if worked correctly, could bring great wealth and a contented way of life for the cat community.

The problem with the cats was that, even with all the land and potential wealth, they fixated their time and hostile efforts on the tiny patch of extremely productive land that Obadiah owned. In the name of their cat- God, they declared a holy cat war on Obadiah, his family and his fellow mice who lived on this land.

Obadiah from the Bible was a successful man who was a servant of God and used his own wealth to hide and protect the persecuted. The Wyoming Obadiah was also a protector of his fellow mice.

The cats came on multiple occasions to strike at Obadiah, many times in herds of cats. I am sure you can recall the expression “like trying to herd cats,” implying that, just as you cannot make a group of cats move in the same direction, at the same time, to accomplish a common goal, you cannot make some people move to accomplish a task. Trying to get a group of cats to strike at a common target and function in a coordinated effort is extremely rare.

What cats will do is wait until one cat has wounded its prey, and then the un-herd will move in as a collective body to share in the spoils.

Wyoming Obadiah, knowing the ways of cats and that he had a duty to protect his land and his fellow mice, decided he must out-gun the cats. He acquired a Wyoming made Big Horn Armory Model 89 lever action rifle in 500 S&W magnum. The cats were sorely afraid of the Model 89. They did not have such a weapon. They knew the Model 89 was capable of massive destruction of cats, should they attempt to attack Obadiah.

So they did what cats and children do when they do not get their way-they whined and complained to whomever would listen. “We do not have a Model 89 and no one will give us one.” “It is not fair.” “There needs to be a worldwide committee set up to look into Obadiah and his Model 89.” “There needs to be restrictions placed on Obadiah, his land and his Model 89.”

After all, what happens if the next time a cat or un-herd of cats tries attacking Obadiah, and he is so concerned he cannot repel the cats by conventional means, he brings out the big gun-the Model 89? Why won’t someone give us cats a Model 89? It is not fair-it is not fair. Do you think if we stood in the streets just outside of Obadiah’s land and threw stones & rocks and called to our cat-God to destroy Obadiah, that someone would give us a Model 89?

The Model 89 is so powerful that if Obadiah fires it at one cat, the collateral damage down range may include many other cats. That is not fair-that is not fair. Obadiah continues to try to live in peace, even as he is circled daily by ever larger and more vicious cat-God inspired felines who wish to attack and be martyred into cat heaven.

Obadiah is a God fearing mouse and does not want the blood of many cats on his hands. He knows how the Model 89 works and what it will do to the cats, but he has never fired the “89.” He truly fears the day will come when he must make that deadly decision.

Obadiah knows he can fire the “89” many times and smite his enemies, but if he fails to defend even once, the cat un-herds will rush in and feed on the bodies of his fellow mice. If this happens, Obadiah’s lands will fall-perhaps-forever into the paws of the cats. Cats, who, after feasting on the dead, will allow the land to go feral and barren. The cats will also be free to prey on mice living outside of Obadiah’s former land and protection.

Make no mistake-Obadiah will use his Model 89, firing a Mt. Baldy Bullet, 50 caliber, 450 grain cat annihilating, Keith bullet, specially lubricated with beeswax and lard. He will do this before he allows the destruction of his own kind and his land, driving a spike into the heart of evil.

Cats have no idea what is truly fair or unfair, but they must learn–hopefully not from the mouth of a Model 89.

Major Van Harl USAF Ret
[email protected]

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  1. And now, a reading from Leviticus II, Jackson 5: And the Lord sent his prophet C.S., who spake through the prophet Andrew Lloyd, known as the Webber, to bring the Word to the Cats, through song and interpretive dance. And the Word was that all creatures great and small should live together in peace and harmony. But the Word fell on deaf ears. And the Cats ignored the Word. And so the mice of the field took their Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and counting to three, smote their enemies. And the Lord was greatly pleased.

    I can write weird, too.

    But I’m confused about the metaphorical allusions. Is the Tribe taking up summer lodgings in Wyoming? (Why, Oming? Why not somewhere else?) Or is Wyoming in and of itself a metaphor for some place further East?

    Curiouser and curiouser…

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