Quote of the Day: Progress in the Windy City Edition


“QuikShot lets anyone with a credit card walk up to one of our street-side firearm stations, select a gun, and head out into the Windy City fully armed in just a few seconds.” – Arvind Reynolds in Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations [via theonion.com]


  1. avatar DJ9 says:

    In my fondest dreams…

    But it’s very real in one sense: the city would love nothing more than to be able to totally control access to ALL firearms within the city.

    1. avatar SteveInCO says:

      If the city ran that system, the machines would be out of order even more invariably than payphones.

      1. avatar DJ9 says:

        Yes, between using lowest-bidder-ammunition (and pocketing the difference) and only cleaning the guns every 10,000 rounds, I’m sure Rahm’s lackeys could make some money while running that into the ground just like everything else.

  2. avatar chuck (hates nj) says:

    I’m looking forward to the Facebook panic from morons that don’t realize the onion is satire.

    1. avatar Jeff says:

      IT IS???????? 😛

    2. avatar Franko says:

      Great idea Chuck! I post this tonight and watch the heads spin!

  3. avatar Dickie J says:

    Each gun rental comes with a free city map showing which neighborhoods to avoid!

    1. avatar BLAMMO says:

      … or to target.

  4. avatar Pantera Vazquez says:

    And then when I awoke~Rahm Emanuel……..then I pulled the covers……’twas but a dream.

  5. avatar LarryinTX says:

    FINALLY I understand why Chicago won’t allow normal people to carry their own guns-it interferes with one of their political machine’s profit centers.

  6. avatar Accur81 says:

    The Onion has pretty much gone full retard. They used to have funny articles about playing “Eye of The Tiger” to troops in Iraq and solving problems of violence with…more violence. There “Beer! F$&# Yeah!” article was – a funny headline. “Police rush to scene of car alarm” was decent.

    Now they are just a bunch of lefties engaged in varying degrees of douchebaggery. And most of it isn’t particularly funny. Not sure if their readership has plummeted like the LA Times, but it’ll probably go that way.

    If anyone knows a good source of Independent Constitutional Conservative humor, let me know.

    1. avatar Mr Pierogie says:

      I used to frequent their site, but at some point (after Sandy Hook I think) they started showing their true liberal wacko colors, and I’ve never been there since. In a way, it’s like watching Colbert or Stewart. Yeah, there’ll be some funny jokes but the hosts are very misguided and have too much liberal slant, which eventually makes it unwatchable.

      1. avatar CT Resident says:

        You nailed it.

    2. avatar JimmyDelta says:

      Check out Duffel Blog: http://www.duffelblog.com. Its onion-y, but not Liberal.

      BTW, the guys behind the Onion, while hilarious, ARE the stereotypical NYC Liberals. They shit on us and everything we believe in in real life, too.

    3. avatar Marcus (Aurelius) Payne says:

      I followed them on Facebook because I remembered them being hilarious, then after Sandy Hook the humor wore thin as a veneer. I don’t even care about then enough to stop following them.

      People try to hide truth in jokes, so following them kinda sorta helps me keep tabs on how the collective herp is derping (sorry, been reading to much cheezburger network) at any given time, and I really can’t stomach frequenting Salon.

    4. avatar Rob says:

      I find they are hit and miss. Most of their articles suck, are not funny, or are completely politically slanted. However, there’s that one diamond among all the coal, that is a genuinely hilarious story. And, when you find those, you can’t stop laughing.

    5. avatar Al says:

      The Onion was better when it was based in Madison, WI. It was still lefty, but the city is surrounded by Normal, so it didn’t get too nuts.

      One it went to NYC, where soft helmets are issued at the city border, it went south fast.

  7. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    It’s that easy to buy “illegal” guns on the streets… Except the streets don’t take plastic, and you’ll have to make the check out to “Cash.”

    1. avatar PeterK says:

      Yeah, that’s a truth bomb right thurr.

    2. avatar ChuckN says:

      They still hold out for cash?
      I know in Boston and a few other places
      you can trade an EBT card. A lot of
      drug dealers are doing the same thing.

  8. avatar John S. says:

    I really do wish…that could be cool

  9. avatar Bob101 says:

    Today, in Chicago, you still have to go through a street vendor for guns in something called the Black Market. You can find these vendors in those areas with the highest crime, which is convenient. Often, the same street vendors sell other commodities such as recreational pharmaceuticals. These vendors are usually members of larger organizations called Gangs that import their goods from places like Mexico or acquire their goods through freelancers often called burglars or robbers which get you the best prices possible for their merchandise. Will Chicago automate purchasing guns undercutting the Chicago Black Market? I am sure the Black Market lobby will argue that it will adversely threaten their employees ability to make a living wage and make timely payoffs to city politicians.

  10. avatar the ruester says:

    This is why I love the childish “ammosexual” meme so much. To paraphrase A Time to Kill, “Close your eyes and imagine that being gay in Chicago had for decades carried a heavy federal sentence, and when it was finally decided by the supreme court that they should at least be allowed to kiss in the closet, some bloviating bigot publication such as a segregation era southern newspaper printed a “satire” article insisting that leather vests and ass chaps were now available in vending machines. Now open your eyes, and imagine that wearing ass chaps in public was a constitutional right…”

  11. avatar Braenen says:


  12. avatar pg2 says:

    The funny thing is that todays “news” from mainstream media outlets has become so ridiculous and propaganda based, that it has become very onion-esque in its daily sheep/herd feed headines.

  13. avatar uncommon_sense says:

    Mockery and disdain are the desperate bastion of people who have no compelling facts or arguments to advance their cause.

    It must really suck to be one of those people.

  14. avatar MotoJB says:

    Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. LOL

  15. avatar Anonymous says:

    They already have that in Chicago – except you don’t use a credit card at a station – you use cash at the trunk of a car in a parking lot or the alley.

    1. avatar Jeff in CO says:

      I thought they had laws against that in Chicago . . .

  16. avatar KCK says:

    “allowing them to brandish and discharge one or more rounds wherever they choose to in the city”

    I’m generaly an Onion fan, I work in Madison WI so I’ve known it from its local beginnings but…
    In my mind, with the quote above, it went from very clever sarcasm to to propaganda. Nothing humorous would have been lost if that line had not been included.

    1. avatar Roscoe says:

      Plus this quote from the article:

      “… or you can simply take in the great view of the Magnificent Mile from the roof deck of the Hancock tower through a scoped sniper rifle.”

      I’m sure that would end well. One more ‘gun nut’ bites the dust.

  17. avatar Simon Jester says:

    And all I thought on seeing this was:”Tell your friends, …Marcus Munitions!”

    I love playing Borderlands…

  18. avatar Kendahl says:

    Where I live, the gangbangers already do something like this. The local cops have gotten pretty good at catching them with illegal weapons. To counter this, they hide their guns in public places and only retrieve them to do a drive by.

  19. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    Lighten up everyone. This may be the ONLY Onion article I ever found funny. I live very close to Chicago too. I pretty much avoid Onion crap but my 40year old son continually puts Onion garbage on his Facebook site. And I tell him it ain’t funny…

  20. avatar Calvin says:

    They did a really good job with the photoshop! For those that don’t get the visual gag: Divvy Bikes

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