The Script for the Video Colion Noir Should Have Done

Eric at Gunmart wrote a post [published by] providing “the long awaited, definitive list of what your carry ammo says about you.” Make the jump for the Cosmo-like run-down. Meanwhile, I’d just like to say that this is what was going on about when he pined for a Colion Noir video with some of the commentator’s previous insightful humor. The gauntlet has been thrown, Mr. Noir . . .

Once again, try not to get too butt-hurt. Enjoy!

  • Hornady TAP – “I work for mall security.”
  • Remington Golden Saber – “I dont always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.”
  • Fiocchi – “I carry a Kel-Tec.”
  • Glaser Safety Slug – “I carry a Glock 7. Its made in Germany. It doesn’t show up on airport X-ray machines and it costs more than what you make in a month!”
  • Federal Premium Hydra Shock – “I used to be a cop.”
  • Winchester Black Talons – “I DON”T GIVE A F*CK!”
  • Corbon DPX – I have A.D.D. and am easily distracted by shiny… SQUIRREL!
  • Sellier & Bellot – “I am a member at more than three gun forums, and I buy all of my ammo online.”
  • Hornady Critical Defense – “I drive a mini van and shop at IKEA.”
  • Hornady Critical Duty – “I drive a mini van and shop at IKEA, but I also belong to at least one gun forum.”
  • Hornady Critical Defense Lite – “I am a girl and I only go shooting once every two years.”
  • Hornady Zombie Max – “I unlocked every gun and upgrade possible in Call of Duty during the first weekend that I had the game.”
  • Winchester PDX1 – “Hey, buddy, 2003 called and it wants its ammo back.”
  • Remington UMC – “I am a 75 year old grandma and I think that Walmart is the only place that sells ammo.”
  • Hornady Custom – “I am a deer hunter and I have perfect shot placement… even in a gun fight.”
  • Magtech – “This is my first gun.”
  • PMC – “This is my first gun and it’s a Hi-Point.”
  • Ten-X – “My EDC is my cowboy action shooting setup.”
  • Winchester Ranger – “I have been reading the same gun-rags over and over again for years.”
  • Black Hills – “I’m a hipster who also owns a gun.”
  • Doubletap – “I too am a hipster who also owns a gun.”
  • Buffalo Bore – “I live in Montana.”
  • Federal Guard Dog – “I f*cking hate living in New Jersey.”
  • Speer Gold Dot – “Lets Go Yankees!
  • Aguila – “I am a member at every gun forum. Yeah. Every damn one of them.”
  • Roll your own – “Am I being detained?”
  • FMJ – “I carry a .22″


  1. avatar tdiinva says:

    Funny but I use Remington Golden Sabres in 45 ACP and I drink craft and micro brews.
    I use both critical defense and critical duty for my 9s and while I have shopped at Ikea I have never owned a minivan.


    Just watched the video. It’s a girlie round but my wife uses Critical Duty in her M-9. She hasn’t owned a minivan either but she does drive a Subaru.

    1. avatar Vhyrus says:

      As an owner of 2 WRX’s, I can say with certainty that Subaru and Minivan do not even come close. Subaru = awesome. That is all.

      1. avatar tdiinva says:

        Ours is an Outback Wagon with the standard engine and a manual transmission. It is practical but not much fun to drive.

        1. avatar MurrDog says:

          A Subaru? You must be one of those lead free bullet types lol.

  2. avatar El Mac says:

    For Pete’s sake: “Make the JUMP!!!!”

    1. avatar Lord Wulfgen says:

      ob·ses·sion [uhb-sesh-uhn]
      1. the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
      2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
      3. the state of being obsessed.
      4. the act of obsessing.

      1505–15; < Latin obsessiōn- (stem of obsessiō ) blockade, siege, equivalent to obsess ( us ) (see obsess) + -iōn- -ion

      Related forms
      ob·ses·sion·al, adjective
      non·ob·ses·sion, noun
      non·ob·ses·sion·al, adjective
      self-ob·ses·sion, noun

  3. avatar Jon Renguul says:

    Can’t help but feel butt hurt cause fuck Yankees, Red Sox and Speer til I die.

  4. avatar SigGuy says:

    Where is the current front runner in the Shooting the Bull 410 9mm ammo quest, Federal Premium HST?

    1. avatar Christopher says:

      I think thus far STB’s personal 9mm favorite from three-inch barrels is the Federal HST 147g, followed closely by the 124g (normal pressure.) In +P, he also likes the Gold Dot 124g, normal and short barrel versions, and CorBon 115g DPX. Not a complete list, just some I remember.

    2. avatar Bgryphon says:

      Federal HST: It’s the only ammo good enough for my 1911.

      1. avatar Tex300BLK says:

        “Only ammo good enough for my 1911” – read only ammo it wont choke on… dont worry my 1911 is the same 😉 just had to rib a little.

  5. avatar Dryw says:

    So offensive. I am NOT easily distract…

    Re: Vid – So the ‘solution’ to .38-for-carry is to carve 20grain off an already lackluster penetratrator. Good call Hornady. By the by… G2 Research wants to touch base with you, they’d like to propose a joint project. Something about RIP (Ridiculously Inadequate Penetration) .25 Lite

  6. avatar Macd says:

    I’m a 25 year old male. I use 165 gr Critical Defense in my Glock 23. Ikea is pretty cool though.

  7. avatar New Continental Army says:

    hahahaha this is good. I carry my .45 with zombie max, at first I didn’t want to buy into the craze but then it got so damn cheap compared to the other hornady rounds, and any other hollow points so I gave in an bought a butt load. At least a green tip is better than a pink tip!

    1. avatar Bob Wall says:

      “That’s (not) what SHE said…”

      1. avatar New Continental Army says:

        oh ho ho! good one hahaha. Hey how’d you get that sweet picture of doctor Strangelove?

  8. avatar Azman says:

    Who, pray tell, are the Yankees? I just like pretty gold bullets.

    1. avatar danthemann5 says:

      I believe the Yankees are some sort of sportsball team. Although, as a carrier of Speer Gold Dots, I should probably know.

      1. avatar Todd S says:

        My local sports team is superior to your local sports team. GO TEAM!

        1. avatar KCK says:

          “Remember, you’re rooting for laundry.”
          George Carlin

    2. avatar Leadbelly says:

      I don’t give a damn about sports, but Gold Dots come in that “short barrel” .38sp +P variant, and I AM a revolver loving old fart.

  9. avatar paulWTAMU says:

    Remington Ultimate Defense or Speer Gold Dot; affordable and feeds well in my SR9c and my 1911 🙂

    Fiocchi is my favorite range ammo right now though. Affordable as hell and doesn’t jam/squib/dud out as much as WWB and seems more accurate than Bear ammo.

  10. avatar Tim Freeman says:

    No R.I.P. ammo?!

    1. avatar Don says:

      R.I.P. – I invested heavily in Beanie Babies back in the 90s.

      1. avatar Todd S says:

        R.I.P. — It goes to eleven.

        1. avatar Don says:

          RIP – the sound your velco wallet makes when someone makes an unsubstantiated claim about stopping power.

  11. avatar LJM says:

    I own an Odyssey and my office is within eye-sight of an IKEA. Yep, that pretty much hit too close to home.

  12. avatar Don says:

    Hornady Lite – ” Shrink it and Pink it”.

  13. avatar dwb says:

    Critical Defense outperformed Critical Duty in shootingthebull410’s tests so might have the gun forum thing backwards. I do not shop at IKEA, or drive a mini-van.

    Fiocchi is the cheapest/most available for range practice. My .22 loves Aguila. I have not tried Aguila in my .357 yet because I looked up the ME and, damn.

    Not sure your carry ammo says anything more than, I was able to find it.

    1. avatar Steve in MD says:


    2. avatar Lord Wulfgen says:

      Dear dwb,

      Why do you hate fun so much?

      Lord Wulfgen

      1. avatar dwb says:

        I just did not think it was all that funny. When it comes to ammo, my sense of humor is these days is OUT OF STOCK

  14. avatar Don says:

    Tulammo – Who needs a target? Bump firing into the backstop gets me off.

    Wolf – I have an foreign policy opinion about Crimea.

  15. avatar iCONOCLAST says:

    im starting a new group NAMCLA, The North American Man Colion Love Association……. get in on the “bottom”.

  16. avatar Don says:

    FNH-USA 5.7x28mm SS197SR – I am either at the very top or the very bottom of the socioeconomic spectrum.

  17. avatar Bernard says:

    At 0:41, Charles Bronson loads his revolver up in that similar fashion. Someone teach those well-manicured hands how to properly hold and load a revolver.

  18. avatar former water walker says:

    A year ago it was hard as h##l to get my grubby hands on much of any affordable ammo. BTW what’s up with PDX 1? I found it to work great. In 2013. The WWB review last week showed how good cheaper stuff is. Only slightly funny.

  19. avatar JT says:

    No HST?

    I uses either that or Winchester Ranger Ts with 147gr bullets for my 9mm guns and Hornady Custom with 95gr XTPs for my CZ-82.

  20. avatar Erik says:

    “Hornady Critical Defense – ‘I drive a mini van and shop at IKEA.’ ”
    Hey now, it’s a hatchback and I build my furniture from plywood and cinder blocks.
    I have the zombie max shells for my shotgun, but that was entirely because it was a dollar cheaper a box for them at my local gun store (and, in case the fact I build my furniture from plywood and cinder blocks didn’t give it away, I’m a total cheap-ass when it doesn’t sacrifice function).

  21. avatar KB Dave says:

    Hey now. The Yankees suck, but Gold Dots are awesome.

  22. avatar Ing says:

    I do like me some Gold Dots, but Yankees, schmankees! Well, hey…it’s better than cheering for the Lakers. Maybe.

  23. avatar Maineuh says:

    How DARE you!

  24. avatar Sabrewolfe says:

    Federal Premium HST – I am a manly man who spends WAY too much time watching jello shots on YouTube.

  25. avatar DV says:

    WOLF: Screw you, Obama.

  26. avatar Greg says:

    I carry Corbon, Critical Duty and Black Talons.

    Sooooo, I’m an ADD riddled Ikea shopper who just doesn’t give a fuck.

    About right.

  27. avatar RandallOfLegend says:

    The flex tip is pink to signify it’s for women. Maybe we can get a blue tip for men.

  28. avatar Another Robert says:

    Monarch: I carry Commie-bloc milsurp so it doesn’t matter. And it’s the only 9×18 on the shelf.

  29. avatar Rich Grise says:

    Frankly, the ad looked kinda like something you’d see on Saturday Night Live.
    “Lite” bullets? Gimme a break!

  30. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

    Gold talon shocks, with a tip fashioned from depleted uranium.
    Loaded to ++P++
    My recoil spring is rated at 156 pounds.

  31. avatar gimlet says:

    I think we need to make an important distinction here between the hipsters of the gun-totin’ community (vaguely irritating, but tolerable) vs. gun-totin’ hipsters (which I’ve never spotted in the wild).

    I live in the Hipster Mecca (Portland, Oregon), and I’m pretty sure that 95% of them don’t even own pointy objects. If they did pack Black Hills or Doubletap ammo, it’d probably be loaded in that dinky four-shot derringer from The Matrix Reloaded, carried sans holster in the hip pocket of their skinny jeans, concealed beneath their grungy B.O. and multiple bandannas.

  32. avatar Soccerchainsaw says:

    Ok, I’m not a big fan of IKEA but what the hell’s wrong with a minivan. Especially one that’s paid for….

    1. avatar Rich Grise says:

      I think it’s a soccer mom thing.

  33. avatar Josh Wood says:

    Hilarious. I think I missed something with the Yankees/Gold Dot thing… Not sure what that means.

  34. avatar Bif McSeriousCat says:

    I guess I am not deep enough in the gun world to understand the PMC thing. I have been using it for years cause its cheap(er than everything else right now and last year and 2 years ago) and I’ve never had a failure.

    Two hipsters, after seeing an obscure band at ACL fest (don’t worry, you’ve never heard of them), walk into a bar. One is thirsty, the other is being ironic.

    1. avatar Rich Grise says:

      What’s “the PMC thing?”

  35. avatar Silentbrick says:

    Sorry, but they missed one.

    “I buy what’s on sale or I can bloody find.” – You work for a living.

  36. avatar Christian says:

    Why yes, I use Black Talon in my daily carry, and it’s true.

    1. avatar Gyufygy says:

      That is one of my absolute favorite gifs ever! Thank you for brightening my evening. 😀

    2. avatar William Burke says:

      I still have a few of those in .45 ACP, and I load one or two near the top of the magazine, but not the very top. If the first round doesn’t do the job, the next thing they’ll feel is the Black Talon rippin’.

  37. avatar William Burke says:

    Is it a reduced powder load? ‘Cause where I come from, a lighter bullet with the same powder load equals increased velocity.

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