Gun Joke of the Day: Long Shot Edition


Three friends were getting ready to tee off on the golf course when a single guy walked up and asked if he could join them. They agreed to make it a foursome. While waiting to tee it up on the fourth hole, a par five, one of the three asked the stranger what he did for a living. He replied that he was an assassin. They all stopped and stared at him. He told them not to worry, that none of them were his targets . . .

They asked him how he usually killed people and he pulled an AI rifle in .308 with a Nightforce scope out of his golf bag. The three admired the fine gun and Bill asked if he could look through the scope as his house was near the next green, about 500 yards away. The assassin said sure, and handed the rifle to Bill.

As Bill was looking through the scope he said, “Hey, my wife is in our bedroom, and she’s naked!” A moment later he shouted, “HEY! My neighbor Mikey is there and he’s naked, too!” Then he asked the assassin how much he would charge to kill the two cheaters.

The hit man said he’d charge $10,000 apiece.

Bill handed the rifle back and said, “Done. Can you shoot my wife in the mouth? I’m done listening to her whining and complaining. Oh and shoot Mikey’s Johnson off for cheating with her!”

Several minutes pass as the hit man stared through the scope when Bill asks him what was taking so long.

The hit man says “Hang on, I think I can give you a two for one shot.”

[h/t Tom in Oregon]

Please send your gun joke to [email protected] with GUN JOKE (all caps) in the Subject Bar


  1. avatar DrewR55 says:

    Snort, snicker.

  2. avatar Excedrine says:

    I lol’d.

  3. avatar Taylor Tx says:

    Clever Tom, Those damn golfing assassins :).

  4. avatar Fred says:

    If I had a nickel for every time a professional assassin walked up alone to me when I’m with a group of friends…

  5. avatar MojoRonin says:

    Why the New York safe act sucks: guy walks into a bar with a pistol and asks: which of youse slept with my wife?! A voice in back of the bar said: I don’t think you brought enough bullets.

    1. avatar Guy says:

      That’d be the one from last week…

      1. avatar MojoRonin says:

        Goodness, I missed it, and you are right, sir.

  6. avatar jirdesteva says:

    🙂 🙂

  7. avatar Javier says:

    I don’t get it. Please explain.

    1. avatar Jon in NC says:


      1. avatar tom w a glock says:

        Presuming Javier does not use American English as his primary language, humor can be difficult to follow. Having been weathered-in with a group of Scots for a while who decided to pass the time by telling jokes, I can testify to the problem.
        It’s a cute joke, even if it is old.

    2. avatar Bob Wall says:

      Javier – Since this is a family site, I can only tell you that in Maryland, years ago, it was called “an act of oral outrage” Now, ain’t THAT outrageous!

      1. avatar JWC says:

        Wait. This is a family site?

        1. avatar peirsonb says:

          Yup. Supporting the Second Amendment for the children 🙂

        2. avatar lolinski says:

          IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!!!11!!1

        3. avatar Soccerchainsaw says:

          The children, the children, it’s always for the children. Why can’t it just be all about me for once?

    3. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

      Well, you see son, when a man and woman love each other, or the man has money and the woman wants some of it…

  8. avatar twency says:

    Yes, this presents gun owners and enthusiasts in a positive light.

    ::rolls eyes::

    1. avatar PavePusher says:

      Relax and pull the stick out. It may make a small “pop” on extraction….

    2. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

      I bet you were that kid who reminded the teacher when she forgot to assign homework…

      Look at you, all grown up and still poo pooing on everyone’s fun.

  9. avatar TheBear says:

    This joke is over 20 years old in one form or another.

    1. avatar Carry.45 says:

      Not true. They updated it. The AI rifle and night force scope was added.

    2. avatar RandallOfLegend says:

      Used to be Winchester Model 70

  10. avatar peirsonb says:

    Bahdum tish….

  11. avatar dlj95118 says:


    1. avatar Jim R says:

      Yeah, but I still laughed.

  12. avatar Roscoe says:

    Doesn’t Shannon Watts live near a golf course?

    Just say’in…

  13. avatar Skyler says:

    Low class.

    1. avatar Roscoe says:

      I agree; if a life partner acted that way it would definately be “low class”.

      1. avatar Thomas Paine says:

        did you say life partner?

        1. avatar Roscoe says:

          We are trying to be as ‘inclusive’ as possible here, aren’t we?

          Don’t wanna offend by overlooking *any* supportive firearm / 2A enthusiasts, right.

          Every little bit helps, right?

          Personally I don’t give a rat’s ass about being ‘politically correct’. Just playin’ to all possible aspects of the audience. Don’t stress over it.

      2. avatar Cliff H says:

        I think that it was highly inappropriate of the author to write this in such a way as to presume that the targets were a man and a woman. This is America, damn it!

  14. avatar iCONOCLAST says:

    that’s friggin funny!

  15. avatar iCONOCLAST says:

    I really was thinking it was a true story, that’s why I lol’d

    1. avatar Roscoe says:

      If Dirk and Shannon ever hooked up and his wife found out…well who knows.

      Personally I don’t think Dirk would ever stoop that low.

  16. avatar jwm says:

    It may be an old joke. But it’s the first time I’ve heard it. It gets a chuckle from me.

    True story. In WV the cheated upon husband got wind of what was happening. He pretended to go to work and after observing the interloper entering his house he snuck back. He fired 1 shot from a .38. The bullet penetrated both bodies. The wife died in the bed and the naked and mortally wounded boyfriend staggered into the street and died. What parts of their anatomy the bullet passed thru I don’t know. But an untrained and unpaid assasin got a twofer.

    1. avatar peirsonb says:

      I’ve never heard it either. At first I gave it a “WTF?”…..I didn’t realize there was more joke after the jump. I was searching for a punchline.

  17. avatar Stick says:

    Really? This is where we are now? We’re making sex jokes on a website that is supposed to convince others that guns are not evil?

    1. avatar WRH says:

      When did sex jokes become inherently evil? Frankly, I think the moment you lose your sense of humor is the moment you’ve been defeated. Just look at the other side, Moms Demand Action clearly have no humor, and they aren’t winning any meaningful victories.

  18. avatar John Boch says:

    I laughed loud enough my secretary asked what was so funny.


  19. avatar RacerX says:

    The way I always heard the joke was “You’re in luck, looks like I can save you $10,000…” Requires a little more thought, but I like the effect better.

  20. avatar Gunr, from Oregon says:

    As long as we are talking about golf courses……………..There were two guys out for a little golfing, and up around the forth hole, they ran into a couple of gals that were fooling around, chatting with each other, not serious at all about their game.
    This started to irritate the guys, and one said to the other, I’ll just go up and ask them if we can “play around” or “play through” When he got about half way to where they were, he immediately turned around and came back explaining that one of them was his wife, and the other, his mistress! Christ, he said, I didn’t even know they knew each other!
    The other guy said he would go ask them, as he didn’t know them. When he got close to where the girls were standing, he also quickly turned around and came back to where his friend was. His fried asked what happened? He said “small world”

  21. LOL, Fool!… He could have saved himself, $$$’s, for the “Hits”; And, Got the Satisfaction, of Retribution?… {He had the Gun, in his hand!… }.lol

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