No one can listen to the braying of hoplophobes for more than, oh, seven minutes without the same old hoary indictment of firearms owners being rolled out: they only own guns to compensate for their small penises. Or to demonstrate how large their penises are. Well, one of those. How they account for the growing number of women who own heaters isn’t really clear, but that’s not really why we’re here today. At least one abortion rights supporter has apparently scanned the Constitutional rights advocacy landscape and is just a little jealous of the level of support gun owners get for their enumerated right to keep and bear . . .
The indispensable twitchy.com reports that Katie Heim testified recently before a Texas senate committee in opposition to a bill that would restrict abortions after 20 weeks. But instead of boring the lawmakers yet again with the usual dry, monotone delivery of carefully crafted talking points, Katie put pen to paper and composed an ode expressing her fervent wish that her vagina could enjoy the same level of popular and legislative protection as her guns do. OK, maybe not her guns. But someone’s.
If my vagina was a gun, you would stand for its rights,
You would ride on buses and fight all the fights.
If my vagina was a gun, you would treat it with care,
You wouldn’t spill all its secrets because, well, why go there.
If my vagina was a gun, you’d say what it holds is private
From cold dead hands we could pry, you surely would riot.
If my vagina was a gun, its rights would all be protected,
no matter the body count or the children affected.
If my vagina was a gun, I could bypass security,
concealed carry laws would ensure I’d have impunity.
If my vagina was a gun, I wouldn’t have to beg you,
I could hunt this great land and do all the things men do.
But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,
With a voice that rings true making lawmakers’ ears ring.
Vaginas are not delicate, they are muscular and magic,
So stop messing with mine, with legislation that’s tragic.
My vagina’s here to demand from the source,
Listen to the voices of thousands or feel their full force.
We’re not sure the Austin-based, uh, poet really understands Texas gun laws. Bypass security? If only. And maybe she’s missed all those 30.06 and 51% signs posted around town. Be that as it may, based on our own unscientific survey, we’re sure the vast majority of gun owners respect vaginas – others’ and/or their own – at least as much as they do their guns. Some even more. You?