Home Defense Tip: Wear the Proper Attire

granny home defense fearful shotgun burglar

courtesy dreamstime.com

By lance alot

At one point, my future former wife and I were a couple of years into our marriage, and we had a bit of a ritual for home defense. Future former wife had a handgun from early in her life and she kept it in her nightstand. I didn’t have a firearm of my own, and was quite comfortable letting her be the home defender. After all, she slept closer to the gun than I. We also had a home security system that we religiously activated at night.

Our home sported a rock exterior, which I thought was endlessly fascinating to look at. We had a recessed front porch adjacent to a fine wooden structure for vines and trees to grow on, into and on top of. The one disappointment was that the front door was a solo affair, with no screen or glass door fronting the main door. We found this actually convenient, and never considered installing an additional entrance door. That ultimately led to “the event.”

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About two years into our residence in the described house, we retired as usual, checking that the cat was indoors, the front and back doors were locked (I’m still sure it was locked), and the alarm system armed. Sometime in the night, the alarm sounded, immediately waking us.

Wife rolled to the nightstand, retrieved her gun, and ran from the bedroom to the front of the house. Serving as backup and reserve (having no gun of my own), I was detailed to dial 911. Our neighborhood paid for constant police patrol at night, so the response time was always about two minutes to any of the houses.

After informing 911 of the potential break-in, I scurried to the front of the house to encourage my wife in her defense of the castle. When I arrived at the foyer, I immediately noticed the cat sitting quitely, staring at my wife. My wife was clutching her firearm in an isosceles stance, sweeping the gun and her eyes through the open front door, covering almost a one hundred eighty degree field of fire. Completely naked.

After our hearts slowed a bit, and the wife was convinced there was no threat in the front of the house, she proceeded to exit with the intent to search for whomever had tried to break in. She took two steps onto the concrete of the porch, realized her lack of protective gear, screamed and dashed back into the house.

After she spent about a minute re-calibrating me about letting my wife attempt home defense without proper clothing, the cops knocked on the door. I smiled as she ran back to the bedroom to dress while I, covered by a robe, met the police and explained the situation.

There was no external evidence of anyone near the residence who shouldn’t have been there, so the cops walked the perimeter and left. We later decided that the door was not fully closed, wind had opened it. That was my fault because I was door monitor that night, and swore the door was closed and locked. My wife threatened to end me if I told anyone about her action that night, but my future former wife has been my former wife now for quite some time, so here it is, the story of “the event.”

Lesson learned? Put a gun of my own in my night stand, and sleep in some sort of covering suitable for fending off intruders.

comments

  1. avatar OkieRim says:

    Pics/video or this never happened

  2. avatar Mark Hagerman says:

    To quote one of L. Neil Smith’s characters, “you can’t do all your gunfighting in the nude; people will talk.”

  3. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

    my wife sleeps naked right near the front door. we’ve heard suspicious sounds once or twice but no one has made it past the threshold.

  4. avatar the ghost of ironicatbest says:

    Ironicatbest never wore clothing when in his home or visiting Amsterdam. He feared an armed confrontation would splatter blood on his Brioni suit.

    1. avatar Anner says:

      I still read that as “Iron Cat Beast”.

      1. avatar Moltar says:

        you mean it isn’t Iron Cat Beast!?!?!? My whole world is a lie.

      2. Hahahahah that’s great/funny! I thought the same thing.

  5. avatar Ralph says:

    Yeah, I sleep nekkid. I figure that while the intruder is busy averting his eyes in fear and loathing, I’ll have time to pop off at least three shots.

    Haha, I’m kidding. I sleep in a business suit.

    1. avatar Geoff "Mess with the Bull, get the Horns" PR says:

      “Haha, I’m kidding. I sleep in a business suit.”

      I’ve heard that hooke, er, ‘independent affection rental contractors’ say that when it comes to their kinkiest, nastiest, freakiest professional ‘clients’, the number one by a wide margin is lawyers…

      1. avatar Ralph says:

        I accept your compliment with grace and humility.

    2. avatar Deliverance says:

      I personally prefer to fight in the nude.

      1. avatar J says:

        I dye my skin blue with woad before sleeping naked. Just in case I need to be ready for combat.

  6. avatar RA-15 says:

    One look at the lady in red & I’d run in the opposite direction for fear of being shot , or beaten over the head with that rifle.

    1. avatar bontai joe says:

      I’d be afraid the lady in red would use the gun to force herself on me in the worst way possible, causing me PTSD (post tramatic sex syndrome)

  7. avatar Andrew Lias says:

    There’s nothing finer than a fine naked lady with a gun?

    1. avatar neiowa says:

      Did you do a search on that?

      1. avatar Southof16 says:

        May I suggest starting here http://olegvolk.net/gallery/main.php
        Artsy stuff but Oleg is big time 2A dude.

        1. avatar Geoff "Mess with the Bull, get the Horns" PR says:

          Oleg has a sense of humor :

          http://olegvolk.net/gallery/nature/album03/mammals/gremlin/upskirt0569.jpg.html?g2_imageViewsIndex=1

          *snicker* 😉

        2. avatar Sich says:

          Ohhh!/? I thought it was about his Mossberg 590 Shotgun Table Lamps…

  8. avatar AZgunner says:

    I think the real stand out fact of this story is that you were going to let your wife defend your home while you called 911. That’s sad.

    1. avatar Warlocc says:

      If she’s a good shot, has the gun, and is capable, why not? Or is it still 1950 in your world?

      1. avatar Moltar says:

        I gotta agree. If there’s a bump in the night and the wife gets hands on a shootin iron before I do she can take the lead and I’ll move to support with my shotgun or rifle (preferably rifle but during that event I’ll take whatever comes to hand first). She’s a good enough shot and has picked up enough that I trust her to be able to defend herself and the kids against most threats.

      2. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

        I gotta disagree here.

        I don’t believe a female spouse/girlfriend, even in the modern era, could continue to have respect for you as a man, if you let her tend to the bump in the night…

        It’d be all high fives and “girl power” until the reality sets in that she has more balls than you… then it’s all downhill from there.

        1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

          Yeah.
          Turn in the “man card”.
          I’m old school. Open doors for ladies, put them on the pedestal where they belong.
          Treat them like queens.

        2. avatar samuraichatter says:

          Functional reason here too. You don’t want women of child bearing age on the front lines as they might be pregnant and not know it.

        3. avatar LarryinTX says:

          Or turn in your whatsit.

        4. avatar the ghost of ironicatbest says:

          Actually dialing 9-1-1 is more of a risk it seems then confronting a well armed intruder. Wife in tears screaming,”It’s All Your Fault, You had to go and dial 9-1-1, now we are down one poodle and in deep on medical bills for the injured children. You idiot!!!!!!”

        5. avatar Geoff "Mess with the Bull, get the Horns" PR says:

          “I’m old school. Open doors for ladies, put them on the pedestal where they belong.”

          Tom, as I said to Ralph a few years back, you only want women on a pedestal so you can look up her skirt…

          *snicker* 😉

    2. avatar Salty Bear says:

      And they say sexism is dead.

      1. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

        “They” definitely aren’t feminist then…

    3. avatar Ralph says:

      “you were going to let your wife defend your home while you called 911”

      He guessed that it was her boyfriend breaking in, so he should let her handle it. Seems reasonable to me.

    4. avatar Art out West says:

      I also thought it pretty embarrassing that the wife was the home defender. Additionally, I’m disappointed this guy didn’t even own a gun. Perhaps that is part of the reason they are splitting up. Men are supposed to provide for, and protect their families.

      It has nothing to do with the times (1950 or whatever), and everything to do with the created order (or natural order if you prefer).

      1. avatar neiowa says:

        ditto. At a MINIMUM should have a Katana, Claymore or big ass machete. As he is on TTAG I’ll assume he has since bought a pair.

        A former wife so perhaps not.

  9. avatar Moltar says:

    soooo my neon green tiger striped silk man thong and a plate carrier are not appropriate attire for home defense??? damn I figured my pasty pail white (Irish white not normal person white) butt had a deterrent factor…. welp guess I’ll start wearing 5.11s, a tactical polo, plate carrier, and Oakleys to bed now.
    #NEVERNUDEHOMEDEFENSE

    1. avatar Gralnok says:

      What has been imagined cannot be un-imagined. 😆

  10. avatar Sich says:

    I didn’t know there was a Fashion Line that specifically applied to “Home Invasions”. The only Home Invasion I personally encountered was when a .30-06 came through the Wall of My House while I was taking a Crap…

    1. avatar No one of consequence says:

      Was that correlation or causation, do you think?

      1. avatar Sich says:

        I don’t recall where a Home Intrusion was specifically a Human Domain! I was taught to believe that “Anything” entering your Home Announced and with Force was a “Home Intrusion”…

    2. avatar Rusty Chains says:

      What do you call a black tip out of an ’03 A3 exiting a house, other than an ND? Brother’s best friend was working cartridges through the action (I have no idea why) when he fired off a round through two interior walls, his mother’s freezer and the water heater before it exited the house and buried itself in the back yard. Care to guess where the buttstock was resting when he touched that round off? Great parents, his dad taught me how to break down, clean and maintain a 1911, and he was nice kid, but poor judgement skills to say the least, he was the source of over half of my cautionary tales during his lifetime.

  11. avatar former water walker says:

    Sometimes I sleep in the buff…sorry but being unclothed will be the last thing I’ll concern myself with should an azzwhole intrude on my premises. 😄😎😏

    1. avatar LarryinTX says:

      I called 911 for EMS when the bride and I were both starkers and never thought a thing about it. Turned out time was of the essence, she nearly died of internal bleeding, if I had delayed I would have regretted it. Hey, we all have ’em, polite is fine except when you might die as a result. Get over it.

  12. avatar Kendahl says:

    How you are dressed (or not) is irrelevant if you stay inside the house behind locked doors, gun in hand, holding the fort until the cops show up and search the exterior grounds and buildings.

    1. avatar neiowa says:

      In much of the real America that is 1/2 hour or more. AND WTF says the popo have ANY reason to be present on my “exterior grounds and buildings”

      GET A WARRANT. As in don’t talk to a cop without your lawyer and don’t let them in your castle without a warrant. Don’t give me the BS “nothing to hide”.

      1. avatar the ghost of ironicatbest says:

        I reckon being nude a person wouldn’t have much to hide…….whew weeeee I fucked up and typed my email Addie where the name goes and my name where the email goes, it’s this damned security alert that’s been popping up on my phone? Don’t know if it’s a TTAG glitch or one of the fukin adds, I swear I’m going to go all poltergeist on whoever and put a ghost in their machine

      2. avatar Maccabee 2A says:

        He called the cops to his house. At that point it’s almost mandatory to talk to police just by common sense. Also police don’t need a warrent if the situation is an emergency or you invite them in.

  13. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    Break into my house late at night and you’ll be greeted by a pissed off homeowner wearing nothing but box briefs and likely sporting a pump 12 gauge and morning wood… none of which I’m sure you’ll want me using…

    1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

      I got a great laugh out of your comment.
      Still chuckling.

    2. avatar Indiana Tom says:

      The morning wood is the real deterrent.

      1. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

        Depends.

        1. avatar jwm says:

          No. No it doesn’t.

    3. avatar Gralnok says:

      Is that a gun in yer pants, or are you just happy to see me? 😉

  14. avatar Curtis in IL says:

    In the adrenaline dump of an honest-to-God threat to your life, you aren’t going to care about clothing.

    And trust me, the cops have already seen it all. It won’t faze them.

    1. avatar neiowa says:

      They will have their sillyass bodycams running and certainly will show all the rest of the local popo/the interweb.

      1. avatar LarryinTX says:

        You wanna see? Here ya go!!

  15. avatar Chip in Florida says:

    Minor Deity standing at the gates to Purgatory: Welcome, welcome.

    Burglar who broke into my home last night: Where am I?

    Minor Deity: Well, what’s the last thing you remember?

    Burglar: This big hairy naked guy yelling at me…. then a flash…. then …. you.

    Minor Deity: Well, you’re dead and this is purgatory. I know it’s kind of shock for a lot of people. Why don’t you sit down over here and think about your last moments on earth.

    Burglar: (screaming)

    1. avatar Gralnok says:

      XD!

  16. avatar tdiinva says:

    Anybody want to bet against the “TTAG Contributor being Farago?

    1. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      I had the same thought myself — which means I am NOT taking your bet!

    2. avatar Aaron says:

      I was thinking FIREARMCONCIERGE, but this story is believable.

    3. avatar bontai joe says:

      I thought the same thing, seems like his writing style, especially the mention of his “future ex-wife”.

  17. avatar Indiana Tom says:

    So where was the big dog in all of this?

  18. avatar Gralnok says:

    I go about my house naked or in underwear, but I keep my gun near me at all times. Even when I’m on the can. You never know when life will throw crap your way, so I prefer to be prepared.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      I’ve been working on shower carry for years, but it hasn’t been perfected yet.

      1. avatar Andrew Lews says:

        I’d recommend either the BFR or the Henry Big Boy All Weather, in what ever cartridge you can handle. They both come in .45-70 for simplicity.

        100% stainless steel construction, nonbiodegradable/rubber furniture, and manual operation that will be unimpeded by water or soap in the mechanism.

  19. avatar VerendusAudeo says:

    Commander Joshua Milton Blahyi, AKA General Butt Naked, fought wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers during the Liberian civil war. Of course, he also made human sacrifices before battle…

    1. avatar jwm says:

      Did he win?

      1. avatar Joe in San Antonio says:

        He survived, actually there is a pretty good documentary on him if you get the chance to watch. Dude was a witch doctor and the devil told him as long as he fought naked and sacrificed a child before each battle he would be safe. He later became a Christian

        1. avatar jwm says:

          See. This right here is why I don’t go to church. or claim a religion.

  20. avatar Chris T in KY says:

    You fight with your gun with what ever you have on. Or nothing at all if you sleep naked. (smile)

  21. avatar Mark Kelly's Diapered Drooling Ventriloquist's Dummy says:

    By lady-in-waiting ( u ( ks Alot

    “At one point, my future former wife and I were a couple of years into our marriage, and we had a bit of a ritual for home defense. Future former wife had a handgun from early in her life and she kept it in her nightstand. I didn’t have a firearm of my own, and was quite comfortable letting her be the home defender.”?

    What we have here is the personification of a “beta-male” pure and simple, probably has a “man-bun” too.

    What a “man”, “he” was willing to let the female navigate the justice system if she ever had to defend “him” and the home, what a big guy I mean “little girl”

    Chivalry is D-E-A-D, DEAD at least in THAT household!

  22. avatar Mike says:

    Cop goes to house in the middle of the night. Two people holding guns. one all in black with ski mask. one in pajamas. Who looks like a bad guy?

  23. avatar barnbwt says:

    “During the day, I wear the camouflage. At night, I am naked.” -Gen. Buck Nekkid

  24. avatar Sich says:

    To bad the Russian TP-82 Cosmonaut Survival Pistol “Isn’t” available for Private Usage. Twin 12.5x70mm (28-gauge) Shotguns w/a single shot barrel for a 5.45x39mm. Probably make a Great Home Defense Firearm…

  25. avatar MIO says:

    So what your naked!?! Who cares?
    There’s so many more things wrong in this story the naked isn’t even a thing.

  26. avatar Sich says:

    FYI: “impactguns.com” has a Remington 870 DM Tac-14 12-gauge w/6-rds. Box Magazine for only $419.99 as part of their Independence Day Sale. For anyone that’s interested…

  27. avatar That Deaf SOB says:

    I sleep in what I sleep in. If an intruder doesn’t want to be confronted by that then stay the hell out of my house and most cops have seen a lot worse.

  28. avatar Mikail says:

    No wonder the author didn’t put their name on the story. Pure BS, but would be a good April Fool’s post.

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