Study Confirms Gun Owners Have Smaller Penises – Content Contest

(This post is an entry in our spring content contest. If you’d like a chance to win a Beretta APX pistol, click here for details.) 

By Jeff S.

If one discusses gun restrictions online, one frequently encounters the assertion that gun owners purchase their firearms to compensate for having small penises.

This is apparently not intended to be derogatory, since many of the same people making the claim take the position, in other circumstances, that nobody should be shamed for how they look or for any physical deficiency or abnormality they may have. These comments are obviously intended to be a sympathetic expression of understanding for why gun owners cling bitterly to their weapons of war and destruction, and are not intended to belittle gun owners or imply that they should have any reason to feel inferior.

While the association between gun ownership and small penis size is frequently made, it has so far lacked the support of scientific evidence. The current study is intended to fill this gap by comparing data on penis size with gun ownership to confirm that the claimed relationship exists.

For information on gun ownership rate by state, the research team used data from a 2015 Columbia university study that assessed gun ownership rates based on a 2013 survey, providing a percentage of residents of each state who own guns.(1)

For determining penis size, the research team used the results of a 2010 study by Condomania.com, which bills itself as “America’s first condom store” that “has been selling condoms since 1991, We have sold tens of millions of condoms from the largest and smallest brands.” The study ranked the 50 states in order of decreasing size, based on their condom sales to each state.(2)

Plotting penis size as a function of gun ownership rate clearly reveals a correlation, with the penis size ranking of a state decreasing as the percentage of gun ownership increases; note that a low rank indicates larger penis size, ranking from #1 (largest – New Hampshire) to #50 (smallest – some poor state that isn’t New Hampshire). Based on the data, a state such as Alaska with a gun ownership rate of 61.7% can expect to be ranked 61 out of 50, compared to the top-ranking New Hampshire with a gun ownership rate of only 14.4%.(3)

It should be noted that the study only shows a correlation and does not prove a causative effect. That is, while the data clearly show that small penis size is related to gun ownership (4), one cannot say for certain that compensating for small penis size is the motivation for owning a gun. Further research might be helpful in supporting such a causative relationship.(5)

Endnotes:

 
 
(3) – The result that any state could rank 61 out of 50 may strike discerning readers as ridiculous. This is a result of using relative rankings (from 1 to 50) in the graph as if they were real numbers. Attempts to find the actual size data of Condomania’s study on its website, rather than relative rankings, were unsuccessful (this investigation on the website was, however, sufficient to change the character of the advertising seen on every other website viewed by the research team). While an implausible result may be viewed by some as diminishing the scientific validity of a study, with over 30,000 Americans dying from gun violence every year, this issue is too important to dismiss research merely because the indicated results defy any reasonable standard of credibility. See, for example: http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/10/health/gun-laws-background-checks-reduce-deaths/
 
(4) – Some reviewers may question whether the correlation shown in the graph is statistically significant, in view of the high degree of variability in penis size rank between states with similar gun ownership rates. Further research might use statistical methods to reduce this variability. One approach to concealing the variability would be to simply group the states into four quartiles and only analyze those four data points, rather than analyzing fifty. See, for example:
 
(5) – One further avenue of research would be to try to establish some connection — any connection at all — between the two populations (online condom purchasers and gun owners) other than just living in the same the state. The data in this case were selected based on their convenience in being attained off the Internet rather than out of any attempt to provide a representative sample or to reflect any actual relationship between the two populations. There is no clear evidence that the individuals in a state that purchase mail-order condoms are likely to represent the same individuals who own guns. For example, female gun owners are a demographic that might be expected to have significantly lower-than-average representation among online condom purchasers.
 
(6) – Some reviewers may question the validity of the data on gun ownership, since it is based upon survey data. One particular area of note is New England, where Libertarian-leaning New Hampshire (ranked #1 for penis size, it should again be noted) is cited as having a significantly lower gun ownership rate compared to surrounding states (including restrictive Massachusetts). This may cause some to question whether New Hampshire residents are merely less likely to respond candidly to the survey question than residents of Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts.
 
(7) – Reviewers (particularly those in North Dakota) might question why Condomania’s 2010 data were used, rather than their 2013 ranking which would match the year of the gun ownership survey. The research team (exclusively male and living in NH) reviewed both sets of data and felt that the 2010 data were more representative and scientifically rigorous than the 2013 data (which rank North Dakota #1 and New Hampshire at a dismal #36).  http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/12/03/which-state-is-the-biggest/

comments

  1. avatar None says:

    HOW DID WE…uh, I mean THEY, all flock together and live in the same state!?

  2. avatar Mr.Savage says:

    that’s funny shit right there!

    1. avatar Timothy says:

      You know what, that’s offensive. My penis may not be long, but it sure is thin!!

  3. avatar strych9 says:

    Bwahahahahaha!

    Well done!

  4. avatar ropingdown says:

    Yep, all those gun tottin’ brothas in South Side Chicago must have tiny ones. Ya’all ought to go let them know your scientific conclusions.

  5. avatar Gregolas says:

    Well done! A brilliant bit of satire on anti-gun research.
    Thanks !

  6. avatar Sgt Bill says:

    My wife made me file for a SBR stamp 🙁

    1. avatar Reggie says:

      Yeah, if it wasn’t for that circumcision I’d have made the 16.1 legal barrel length…….Damn you father!

      1. avatar MiniMe says:

        LOL!

  7. avatar Ffghjj says:

    I never thought of the body shaming angle.

  8. avatar Lucas D. says:

    You missed April Fool’s by almost two weeks.

    Still, who wants to bet this shows up on HuffPo or the Daily Kos next week as “proof”?

  9. avatar GS650G says:

    So Hawaii is home to deformed freaks who should make videos? LOL

    1. avatar anonymoose says:

      As the ancient Hawaiians used to say, it’s time for a dicking!

  10. avatar cmac890 says:

    Can we file this under Facts About Guns? I can’t wait to see this show up on The Trace/Salon/NYTimes/etc.

  11. avatar Esoteric Inanity says:

    Now, now, no need to be a dick about “gun” ownership.

  12. avatar JabaTheWhat01 says:

    This wins.

  13. avatar MikeyCNY says:

    It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it!

    1. avatar Anonomous says:

      If bringing a woman to a climax is the goal, then a penis is not even needed. Why else would there be so many lesbians ???
      Stimulating the clitoris causes the orgasm and that can be done with just about anything, a small vibrator, a tiny pinkie finger, small tongue………….or a penis of any size.

      When it comes to gay males, on the other hand, size does apparently matter, otherwise, why would they be shoving hamsters and wine bottles up their rear ends ?

      1. avatar Timothy says:

        Having known some lesbians who are not afraid or ashamed to talk about their sex lives. I can assure you that some at least use toys for penetration.

  14. avatar former water walker says:

    Gee what about gals with guns?!? What’s their excuse? What about old guys(like me) who weren’t gun owners until 6years ago? I always thought it was guys and big cars/trucks who were lacking in private parts thing?

    1. avatar Mr. AR says:

      Is this a rehash of the “Italian men utilize sports cars an extension of their penis: British men use them as a replacement”?

    2. avatar None says:

      Right?? My mom has a .357 magnum but her dick is already HUGE.

      1. avatar RidgeRunner says:

        Dude, that’s hilarious

  15. avatar anonymoose says:

    Woops! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!

  16. avatar J. Bobbet says:

    The temps are colder in Alaska. Just sayin.

    1. avatar Warren says:

      “I WAS IN THE POOL!!”

  17. avatar Alan Esworthy says:

    …while the data clearly show that small penis size is related to gun ownership (4), one cannot say for certain that compensating for small penis size is the motivation for owning a gun.

    Nor can it be said for certain that owning a gun causes penis atrophy. More investigation is clearly necessary. I imagine one of the Bloomberg organizations would be willing to provide grant money for such a study.

  18. avatar Long Wang says:

    Why wasn’t I measured. Afraid I’s skew the results.

  19. avatar Brian says:

    The ultimate shoot-down for that ancient, stupid, Freudian argument: “If firearms are symbols for genitalia, why are Progressives so enthusiastic about the symbolic removal of genitals?”

  20. avatar Rusty Chains says:

    When I was a young man I always wondered why condoms always hurt. Apparently back then they assumed everyone was the same size. The invention of the pill saved me from having way too many kids, or having to become a monk!

  21. avatar Frank says:

    Have this person tell the US Marines this. Also how do they explain women who own firearms?

  22. avatar Skoon says:

    I’ve never received any formal* complaints.

    * to lodge a formal complaint against my penis please visit disatifiedbyjohn.com
    Please have your social security card and picture of your breasts ready to complete the submission.

  23. avatar Norincojay says:

    I don’t get it. What was their control group women?

  24. avatar Jack says:

    I don’t have a small penis! I just like my condom to fit really tight.

  25. avatar Brassporkchop says:

    No kidding, this way I don’t have to worry about printing.

  26. HAHAHAHA – excellent work, gets my vote for the content contest!

  27. avatar BTP says:

    Aaaaand we have a winner. Contest over.

  28. avatar Kaban says:

    That beats “increasing number of mobile devices causes more cases of autism” graphs 🙂

  29. So…blue states are where the biggest dicks are?
    Well duh!

    1. avatar Lhstr says:

      now thats good!!!! I’m calling mine a 5.7 FN..

  30. avatar Matt G says:

    As a resident of NH, I find this article to be 100% accurate.

  31. avatar SKP5885 says:

    “For example, female gun owners are a demographic that might be expected to have significantly lower-than-average representation among online condom purchasers”….It also is fair to reason that women gun owners typically have a significantly lower-than-average penis size….

  32. avatar tsbhoa.p.jr says:

    if it wasn’t for the shrinkage i sustained in the boating accident (lake michigan is 31 degrees) this would be accurate.

  33. avatar Cliff H says:

    I take exception with your methodology, sir!

    I believe it would not be difficult to prove that most male gun owners are in relationships with women who do not require, request, nor condone the use of condoms within that relationship.

    If a woman seeks a relationship with a real man, with a real set, and a real gun, why would she not desire to bear his offspring? You might as well base your conclusions on the number of prescription birth control pills sold per state, or abortions.

    Just sayin’.

    (/sarc)

    1. avatar Lhstr says:

      Maybe no balls vs a stick?

  34. avatar Cal S. says:

    This is why TTAG’s comment policy is garbage…

    Amusing article, but two weeks too late… 😉

  35. avatar Hank says:

    Wow, Brits must be hung like horses!

  36. avatar John says:

    A young lady once asked me who I thought I was going to please with that package. My response was…..ME!

  37. avatar Don from CT says:

    I’ll lay it on the bar with any Anti who isn’t an NBA player. Loser buys a round for the entire bar. Ha.

  38. avatar XNavyNuke says:

    The problem with this is, NH does actually have a LOT of guns… None of them are registered so no one actually knows about the 20 down in the basement. (neither does the wife)

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