Movie critic and beta male cuckold Jordan Hoffman

Self-described beta male cuckold and sometime-film critic Jordan Hoffman doesn’t like guns. He admits he’s never fired one. The fitness guru and male model – oh wait, that’s another Jordan Hoffman – writes that he doesn’t want to touch a firearm, either. In his caustic review of John Wick: Chapter 2 in the UK’s Guardian, Hoffman describes the movie as “shameful gun pornography” after lauding it for higher-than-usual quality for an action flick. Here’s the money quote from the Guardian:

John Wick: Chapter 2, a string of elaborate bullet ballets with only trace elements of a plot, is hardcore gun pornography, pure and simple. And when the imagery faded (along with the hoots ‘n’ hollers of the audience) I felt sunk in a crater of guilt, choking on a miasma of shame.

Hoffman admits it’s good right in the subhead.

The sequel to the Keanu Reeves sleeper hit might be efficiently slick but its obsession with weaponry leaves a nasty taste in the mouth

He acknowledges critics are giving it high marks, as are audiences.

The critical reaction to John Wick: Chapter 2 has been quite positive. And I can understand why. Audiences get to pick and choose, but we critics, the brave soldiers of cinema’s trenches hurling ourselves atop grenades to save you from a bad movie, suffer through more junk than you can possibly imagine, especially in the early months of the year. Director Chad Stahelski, cinematographer Dan Lausten, production designer Kevin Kavanaugh, stunt coordinator JJ Perry and their teams, it must be made abundantly clear, are wizards working at the top of their craft, and the leap in quality from typical action dreck to this is undeniable.

Unwilling to let the movie stand on its merits, the beta male pundit just has to offer his own two political cents’ worth. The Guardian writer has long missed the irony that from Hollywood. The industry shares a near-universal hatred of all things gun, yet they rely them to sell tickets.

The entertainment industry sells escapism. Movies about beta males who look like Hoffman and their boring, inconsequential lives don’t put asses in seats. Who wants to pay their hard-earned money to watch a nondescript cog in some inconsequential wheel living his mundane life picking up his dog’s droppings?

Moviegoers, even beta males, tend to crave action and excitement. They want to watch alpha male heroes exhibiting all those personality strengths that helped make America the greatest country on Earth. Just look at the James Bond series, for instance.  Or for non-fiction types, heroes from history. In fifty years, no one will know anything about an effete writer named Jordan Hoffman, but people still revere King Leonidas 2497 years after he died gallantly leading his soldiers in battle.

Hoffman goes on to dazzle us with his feminized psychological responses to what he sees on the big screen:

Years ago, watching a beat-down or shoot-out would send me into a white-knuckle sweat.

Just imagine the reaction if he were to see one in person. From there, he goes full-on hoplophobe:

…A lustily shot sequence teases out one weapon after another and, to one who has never held a firearm and has no intention of doing so, each make and model just sounds like chrome noise. Until our hero was handed an enormous rifle in the AR family. Ah, that’s one I’ve heard of. I recognize it as the gun of choice in Newtown and Aurora and San Bernardino. (The Pulse dance club in Orlando fell to an MCX, the Pepsi to the AR-15’s Coke.)

Don’t you love it how the Left conflates Muslim terrorism with criminal violence? If we only had the courage to outlaw those “enormous” rifles in the AR family, all would surely be well.

The icing on this fetid cake is piled at the end of the review where The Guardian begs for donations to support their “truthful, in-depth reporting, especially in the face of fake news and ‘alternative facts.'”

Since you’re here …

… we’ve got a small favour to ask. More people are reading the Guardian than ever, but far fewer are paying for it. And advertising revenues across the media are falling fast. So you can see why we need to ask for your help. The Guardian’s independent, investigative journalism, informed by our values, takes a lot of time, money and hard work to produce. But we do it because we believe in the power of truthful, in-depth reporting, especially in the face of fake news and ‘alternative facts.’  If everyone who reads our reporting, who likes it, helps to pay for it, our future would be much more secure.

Gun owners and supporters of Second Amendment rights in America will no doubt get right on those links to donate generously. [/sarc]

91 Responses to John Wick: Chapter 2: Critics Pan It for ‘Gun Porn’

    • Absolutely! Love a nice sword porn flick. The Thirteenth Warrior. Kingdom of Heaven. Conan the Barbarian (‘natch).
      My favorite movie sword? The Fathers Sword used by Marc Singer in The Beastmaster.

      • 13th Warrior is excellent. I haven’t met many people who have even seen it.

        As for the fat blob Liberal who doesn’t like John Wick 2 . . . who cares?

  1. So, the sequel is pretty much like the original. Surprise in a movie about an assassin operating in a fantasy underworld of assassins that there are guns….

    couldn’t make it to the theatre this past weekend, but hoping to this upcoming weekend.

    • They should have just replaced all the guns with radios like Spielberg did in the re-release of E.T. with the cops and their shotguns.

  2. Well, I was gonna go see it, but let me check what a fat nerd who gets paid to watch movies think about it first. (Sarc)
    Seriously, what is it with film critics? They’re either men older than the cinema itself, or fat beta males.

    • Yeah, I’ve noticed that film criticism definitely has a certain allure for the type of person whose principal hobbies involve sitting on their ass and bitching.

      • You’ve managed to sniff out the exact credentials for being a “journalist/critic/reporter” in the modern lame-stream media. No drive to actually DO anyting, just deride those who do.

  3. God Almighty. So much fail. Where to begin?

    Doesn’t this guy have any self respect? He’s got his own self-loathing down to the point where he’s proud of it.

    • Who did you think kept the dominatrices in business? The reviews he writes are just to get him in the dungeon state of mind. Obviously.

      • Add to that a sincere, at times desperate, desire to be taken seriously as public intellectuals, and you have the perfect recipe for pretense and denial.

    • I think this line sums it up:

      I felt sunk in a crater of guilt, choking on a miasma of shame.

      Like many progressives and proto-socialists, he felt shame for having momentarily enjoyed the movie.

      There was no Triumph of Struggle like many of the movies from the Soviet-era which seem to be the only movies critics actually enjoy.

      • If you like that sort of thing Brat and Brat 2 (Brother and Brother 2) show a realistic view of the gritty underbelly of Russian society and an extremely realistic view of gunplay, first in Moscow and in the sequel in Chicago. You might want to download Brat for free from YouTube. Brat 2 is not available in full-length on that forum but might be found somewhere on the Internet, possibly from some Russian site. Even without English subtitles it is quite an interesting experience and the former Chechan war Spetznatz soldier in the lead (he and the full crew unfortunately died in an avalanche during filming of Brat 3) who claims he sat out the war as a clerk at HQ, is a low-key Russian version of John Wick.

        **** Four stars

  4. “The Guardian writer has long missed the irony that from Hollywood. The industry shares a near-universal hatred of all things gun, yet they rely them to sell tickets..”

    This might me respect this critic more than most Hollywood movers who make their money off guns but then attack real people who own guns as much as possible. This guy is at least somewhat consistent, even if it’s a consistency of effeteness, unlike your actors (cough Liam) who deride guns and violence all the time while making a living off them.

  5. I’m planning on writing a TTAG review for this movie, but since I won’t get around to it for a few days, I’ll save you the trouble for those not willing to wait: Go see it.

  6. Pity the poor film critic, forced to sit in a warm, comfortable room and watch bad movies. He should try coming to set someday when it’s 12 degrees out and snowing. Maybe run out some 4/0 cable. Or spend six hours freezing his backside off 125 feet up in a lift.

    But hey, his job is like jumping on grenades. I shouldn’t mock him.

    • He’s bitter, apparently because The Guardian only allows him to expense his ticket and carfare, not the seven jumbo family size boxes of Jujubes.

  7. “…but we critics, the brave soldiers of cinema’s trenches hurling ourselves atop grenades to save you…”

    Wow. Just… fucking wow.

    • “The sequel to the Keanu Reeves sleeper hit might be efficiently slick but its obsession with weaponry leaves a nasty taste in the mouth”

      …like the taste your boyfriend leaves in your mouth?

  8. Meh. He’s a fat puss. Who gives a damn what he thinks about a film aimed squarely at folks like us? Films like this are part of what motivated me to get out and start training and I know I’m not alone. And by the way Slim, Taran Tactical ( http://www.imfdb.org/wiki/John_Wick:_Chapter_2 ) is not merely an ‘ar family’ rifle, nor has such a fine example of the MSR been used in a modern crime to the best of my knowledge. While I liked the film, I had two minor complaints: the first film was just better overall, and I’m not a Glock fanboy. Final shot at our friend Slim- if this is mere gun porn, then what the hell was the Matrix? “Guns. Lots of guns.” Ring any bells? Go see it. Well worth the price of admission. We should all hope to be able to train to that level.

  9. You know what scares this fatty beta male more than guns? Treadmills, salad bars, and the sight of a naked woman. What a p@$$y.

  10. I would like to point out that in our delightfully open, inclusive and democratic society, a person who says proudly that he has never even so much as touched a gun, and does not intend to dp so in the future, and has devoted his self-serving existence to watching (probably for free) and taking apart the hard work of others, that person shouldn’t, maybe, be permited to use the phrase about “falling on grenades”. I say this, because there have actually been people who jumped on real, not proverbial, grenades. Like his British compatriot who fell back first on one to save his comrades, and survived only thanks to all the standard and non-standard issue crap in his backpack (maybe he needed all that because he was going to work as a film critic in the Middle East).

  11. This guy is the definition of a Putz! Of course John Wick is gun porn! That IS with it IS! A combination of oriental martial arts, spaghetti westerns and modern weaponry, My wife and I just LOVED it!!! Did they over do it, you bet! Great movie.

  12. There’s a good article about K. Reeves and his impressive gun handling at BreachBangClear.com under “dept.of manly shit.”

  13. This review is terrible, but this response isn’t much better.

    The tone of this article is extremely offputting, focusing so much on “beta males” and casual sexism (how is going into a white knuckle sweat a feminized psychological response?). It reads like it was written by a macho frat bro. Even if the review is terrible, we don’t need to be terrible in response.

    And btw that tweet is very clearly tongue in cheek. Mocking people for their machismo attacks on him.

    It should also be noted that critics have generally had a favorable reaction to the film, with a 90% on RT.

    • The comments here are just as disappointing as the post. On one hand, we cheer the Pink Pistols and their ilk, celebrating that minorities of all stripes are increasing their support of firearms; on the other, we get queer jokes.

      And through all that, we miss out a chance to rail on the real travesty in his article – he calls the MCX the AR’s Pepsi instead of recognizing that the AK is the real Pepsi to the AR Coke.

  14. Who gives a damn what kind of movies that pathetic, gelatinous, emasculated, caterwauling, effeminate lard ass likes? Fortunately he can get his rocks off on La, La Land & Brokeback Mountain. Different strokes for different folks.

  15. What can I add…except suck it up cupcake. My wife took me to JW II. I love that woman. 4⭐’s for John Wick2! Go see it. Glorious gunporn.

  16. “its obsession with weaponry leaves a nasty taste in the mouth”

    I’m willing to bet big bucks that’s not the only thing that has left a nasty taste in his mouth.

  17. Only thing of value in this whole blog entry is that flannel shirt. Love the pattern, I need it in a large tall. Oh, what about the movie you say? I might see it on Netflix or whatever if I remember it exists. I don’t go to movies. Stupid places and all that.

  18. Enormous AR? It had an 11 inch barrel. BUT THE SCOPE WAS SOOOO BIG.

    But seriously, who needs a 1-6 power on a shorty, used at like 25 yards? Uh, spoiler alert, etc.

    They may have gone a little too “gun porn…”

  19. “more people are reading the Guardian than ever, but far fewer are paying for it. ”

    With the drivel being written, why would anyone actual want to Buy

    • “more people are reading the Guardian than ever, but far fewer are paying for it. ”

      It is probable that more people read it now for two reasons:

      1. It is hard to find good comedy these days, and

      2. If they can get it for free they are certain they got their money’s worth.

  20. The only movie critic who could give this an accurate and honest review is Stephen Hunter. I don’t think he even does reviews anymore, putting his time into the Bob Lee Swagger novels.

  21. John Wick 2. Of course this movie would bring a feeling of shame to this ……Individual. Because this movie is the archetype of what men have evolved over millions of years of evolution to be, and what he and all of his ilk have completely and utterly rejected.

    Civilization, built by those men like King Leonidas and the brave 300, and destroyed by beta-male, metro-sexuals, “white knuckled” at the idea of fulfilling what they were evolved to be.

  22. Just saw ‘John Wick’ last night, recorded from provider. The 2014 one, as I remember. I know there had to be mistakes made, but looks like the actors/producers knew firearms, or the techniques. Reality? Not so much, but, it is a movie. If I went thru just five minutes of that, I’d be laid up for six months, if I survived. The ground fighting was more realistic than most. As usual, the bad guy gave the good guy time to regroup. In reality, no conversation, just a bullet thru the head. Movie critics only get excited over blow jobs by other movie critics.

    • I think we have lowered expectations of what “reality” is in an action movie; oh my god, he reloads! He has to shoot them multiple times in the torso?!

      I mean, yeah that’s all well and good, but the dude DOES get hit by several cars and takes falls onto his guns without any apparent spinal injuries or broken bones. I think we give the movies more credit than they’re worth because most action movies suuuuuuuuck.

  23. I caught the second half of Part 1 on cable the other night.
    I think “porn” is an apt term since while technical weapons handling is correct, it’s ridiculously unrealistic in every other way.

  24. Good God, the guy is fat, bald and galactic wuss where flavor crystals frighten him. I would imagine to kill himself, he’ll have to take pills or stuff a hose up the exhaust pipe of his Kia and suck on that for a while. He’s clearly too much of a weeny for anything macho.

  25. Hollywood is full of superficial sods like this, people who get off on the notion that they’re oh so much more enlightened than the plebs, even though they’re weaker and worse than the average American in every possible sense. Films like John Wick are so enjoyable because they gently massage those inseparable parts of our brain that the progressives are so desperately trying to erase from human nature.

  26. “….hardcore gun pornography”,

    “…A lustily shot sequence teases out one weapon after another and, to one who has never held a firearm and has no intention of doing so, each make and model just sounds like chrome noise. Until our hero was handed an enormous rifle in the AR family.”

    So, was this meant to be a good review or a bad review? I’m confused.

  27. “Chocking on a miasma of shame” ? More likely chocking on a ham fisted grab of popcorn followed by a long sip on his 32 oz.Cherry Slushy. How much do you want to bet this clown secretly loved this action movie but can’t admit it because he doesn’t want to be on the outs with his left wing pals at the Guardian not too mention loose his job. As for a “big” AR. Don’t know about the rest of you but when I got my first one it was smaller then I thought it would be. The last John Wick film was very entertaining and I expect I’ll be happy to pay and see the next one. Paying for the Guardian….NOT A CHANCE!

    • The entire time he was watching the movie he was probably fantasizing about Keanu Reeves crashing through his window and raping his wife while he is tied up in the corner with some kind of kinky chastity device to deny him even the pleasure of whacking off. This is all just based on speculation, of course.

  28. Getting a bad tasted in his mouth might be, MIGHT BE, attributable to his career as a beta male cuck? Just throwing that out there.

    Since he really doesn’t want to touch a gun, lord forbid ever firing one, I have to think that his status as a beta male must now be downgraded to gamma male, or theta male perhaps?

    Hey Hoffman, go ahead and try saying with your chest, I’m a man gawd dahmmut! And I want a gun! or Taco or something, just start down the road to alpha male is what I’m telling you.

  29. In the begging paragraph at the end, “Journalism, informed by our values” That is not journalism, it is commentary.

  30. Any porn should have a lot of it. In looking at the gun database the list of different guns was much longer then in chap 2. I want my porn to be varied and different. So the second failed lol

    (Yes I’m pissed he went all Glock and got rid of the H&K’s)

    Awesome movie otherwise

  31. This is the first time I’ve heard Newtown or Aurora were perpetrated by Muslim terrorists. Sloppy writing there John.

  32. OK, I suppose I’ll catch it for nit-picking here, but this common misuse of the language just drives me nuts! Hoffman may be wimpy or even “effeminate,” but he’s not “effete.” “Effete” means “obsolete,” “old fashioned,” or “out of date,” and he’s right in tune with the latest stupidity of our day. If you’re going to use erudite language – use it RIGHT!

    • Someone else said similar, and I thought “snowflake”, but this is getting stupid.

      WTF does someones sexuality have to do with anything? If your only argument is to call people names, or try and marginalize them with labels you try and use derogatorily, then you are no better than the leftists who call you a fascist. Hell, while we’re at it, should we say he loves black homosexuals? That will REALLY make a statement?!

      The vast majority of current liberals are idiot pawns, who are incapable of rational thought, or even thinking for themselves. The guy who wrote the “review” is a liberal. It doesn’t take anything other than liberal/leftist to get your point across anymore, and it’s far too easy to destroy them with their own narrow-mindedness. Give them a fact, let them call you names, that is why Trump one. Do not forget that.

      It disgusts me to think that the people who say conservatives/gun owners/whoever are racist, bigoted, misogynist, etc., are sometimes right, and posts such as yours are indicative that they can be. We need to be better than those people. The liberals are of course are racist, bigoted, misogynists, etc, but at least they put on an act that they aren’t. If we believe in freedom, then we should believe in letting people do whatever the hell they want that doesn’t take away our freedom. We’d do better to be inclusive, than exclusive. If I were gay, reading the comments here I’d certainly think that being in the gun-lovers club might not be for me.

      This is how our conversations should go:

      “Are you pro-freedom?”
      “Yes”
      “Welcome to the club”.

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