Comedienne Samantha Bee: Ban “Assault Rifles” and You Have A Small Penis [NSFW]

There’s been a whole lot of this sort of thing on the interwebz over the last few days: self-righteous commentators screaming “I’m mad as hell and I want to take your guns away!” Take it from an exhausted gun blogger, there are no new arguments here. It’s the same “we have to do something!” and “Look at Australia!” and “gun owners have a small sex organs” misegos that civilian disarmament advocates deploy in lieu of rational thinking even when killers aren’t exploiting “gun free zones” to enact their homicidal fantasies. “We’re making it far too easy for their derangement to kill us,” Samantha Bee concludes, without seeing the pro-gun irony inherent in that statement. And then she prays to God to send the NRA a plague of boils. How funny is that?

comments

  1. avatar SGC says:

    Simple answer: You can’t have them.

  2. avatar lupe says:

    Judging by her (physical) stance she’d wet herself before even starting this screed.

    Also, for someone who has previously decried made up statistics she uses the 300-odd mass murder claim that uses all kinds of mathematical gymnastics to cobble together 3-4 people at the site of a gun related incident to make a ‘mass shooting’.

    1. avatar Karl says:

      Yep. She really needed to poop!

  3. avatar Ross says:

    Yawn …………

    1. avatar doesky2 says:

      Lasted 28 seconds before I said “F@#K you C#%T” and closed it up.

      1. avatar Tile floor says:

        I used to watch The Detour on TBS. it’s pretty funny. Until the seventh or so episode got super political, and had a huge anti second amendment piece. That’s when I decided I wasn’t watching that show any more. Then I saw it was produced by Samantha Bee. Typical lib who has her head in the sand who has never been faced with any sort of dangerous situation.

  4. avatar Don says:

    I gave up halfway through, she’s not sane, not lucid, and not funny. Yes Drew Carey, Pathetisad IS a word, and this (lady?) is the poster child of the weak (sic).

    1. avatar Jjimmyjonga says:

      i thought the “loser – selfie” joke was pretty funny

      1. avatar Christian says:

        it was

  5. avatar rod says:

    i also gave up a minute into her ACT. F-N Idiot Australia has had mass shooting as well as France,England and so on and they don’t allow private ownership.. Brothers and Sisters we must stand together and not let them disarm us .

    Join The GOA not the NRA.

  6. avatar DickDanger says:

    Just another burn-out trying desperately to stay relevant.

  7. avatar William says:

    No and it only suffer by comparison to her anatomy.

  8. avatar Nuzzo says:

    But you don’t see shootings happen in Australia on a daily basis like you do in the US.

    Trying to say crime rises in Australia due to lack of private owned firearms or strict laws is a slippery slope argument and a red herring.

    Australia watched it’s murders and suicides drop heavily after the tragedy in 96.

    No one in Australia wants fully automatic weapons or semi-auto rifles. Ask anyone there and they will tell you no.

    Suggesting self defense will have you laughed out of police station let alone parliament.

    Australia has continued for nearly two decades now remain to have the lowest rates of homicides and crimes in the world.

    Any incidents that happen there are minor compared to shootings the US sees on a weekly to monthly basis.

    1. avatar FortWorthColtGuy says:

      But I don’t give a crap what “subjects” of a throne think about my rights as a free “citizen”. I also bet you there are plenty of people that would want to own a semi-automatic rifle in Australia. But that’s not the point. I want to own a semi-automatic rifle and I own firearms for self-defense. I don’t care what the police in Australia think or even if they laugh at me. They have no power over me, and I don’t live in their jurisdiction. I am the one laughing at them for their ignorance and naïveté.

    2. avatar Geoff PR says:

      “No one in Australia wants fully automatic weapons or semi-auto rifles. Ask anyone there and they will tell you no.”

      Not according to the Australians I know.

      They are mad as hell at you and your self-pious ilk.

      You know all those guns turned in and destroyed?

      Read the reports – The citizens only turned in 20 percent of the total.

      80 percent are still in the citizen’s hands in Australia.

      Sleep tight, cupcake…

    3. avatar JDS says:

      Some of the subjects down under are happy to live under the rule of a monarchy and I’m happy not to. We threw off the chains of the crown 240 years ago when it decided to take our arms. Its looking more and more like we may have to do it again. This time we will be throwing off the chains that are trying to harness us from a despot much closer. I don’t know how any of you think your going to round up the several hundred million guns we own, most of us certainly won’t be handing them over peacefully. As for fighting the US military with our silly AR style weapons, I doubt they would be as much on your side as you think. The oath to honor and protect the constitution from all threats, foreign and DOMESTIC is something most of the current and former troops believe in strongly. I just don’t see it working out the way you think it would.

    4. avatar Don says:

      Australia is an island (continent) nation with no shared borders, very little drug trade in comparison, and due to that very little gang activity. You have about 7% of our population, and like the UK, your government pads your statistics. You have few large cities with slums. The muslims hate you but not near as much as they hate America. Apples and Kumquats.

      Most of your statements are inaccurate, some are downright laughable, but if you want to live in a fantasy bubble please do. No, actually I insist you do, and please keep your ignorant opinions to yourself, we’ll mind our own house thank you, it just takes a bit to get the quiet ones up and rolling. Who knows, maybe this shooting will be our Pearl Harbor, only this time we won’t have the backing of the government until we replace it with some non treasonous humans.

    5. avatar Tumbles05 says:

      Nuzzo, which city cafe are you sitting in with your head up your arse? Don’t tell me what I want and stop your bullshit about no mass murders. How did two cops wound four that s right four bystanders trying to stop one man with a knife, yeah mate the cops are there to save you! Yet two guys who belted a robber are up for excessive force, the cops got high fives all round. Sounds fair…

  9. avatar Mikele Deziell says:

    Did all liberal just forget about radical Islam? I haven’t heard anything about from the left. Only guns bad!

  10. Ok seriously do I need some Viagra or something?
    What isn’t with the phallic fascination of the anti gun crowd?
    Maybe the POG are so impressively endowed they feel the need to publicly ridicule?
    I mean really I am asking…

    1. avatar Don says:

      We are not lacking in that department it’s just that anti-gun males in particular and liberal males in general have such miniscule testicles that it makes their johnnies (Johnson to grownups) look massive.

  11. avatar Jack says:

    For those of you who couldn’t stand the sound of her voice, here’s a quick synopsis:

    Samantha Bee is a sneering, condescending, foul-mouthed, Canadian woman who has apparently immigrated to America with no concept of “freedom” or the Bill of Rights. She has decided that you and I should not be allowed to have the right to defend ourselves, or to own a semi-automatic weapon. She appears amazed that the President said that something like the shooting in Orlando could happen. She does not like the NRA.

    In the video, she appears to be a very angry person and even says so. Her head bobs from side-to-side when she makes a point, ghetto style, as if she is telling you off. Her thought processes and/or theatrical act appear to cause her to gesticulate wildly when she thinks she’s making a brilliant point. Through inference from her remarks about genitals and firearms, Samantha apparently feels that larger male genitals are preferable to smaller genitals.

    Unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately, despite her promises otherwise in the title, she does not show us her bosoms.

    Her video appears to have garnered 1.3 million views and counting, and is infested with mindless trolls and anti-gun agitators.

    I hope this is an assistance to you all.

    1. avatar jomo says:

      Thanks for taking one for the team. I could never sit through that baloney-laced diatribe. I decided that this woman was an imbecile when she decided to invade one of the major comic book conventions to try to shame comic-book geeks into not liking scantily-clad women in costumes. Like most liberals, she is a sad, miserable person who is infuriated by the fact that other people are having fun and/or don’t live in terror of their lives. The only thing that scares a liberal more than a gun is some guy or gal who is actually capable of thinking and acting for themselves.

    2. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

      Thanks for the cliff notes version Jack. I didn’t want to watch it.

  12. avatar No Soup 4 You says:

    After being savagely RAPED by muzzie-snakbar border jumpers , she will then say …. SHE , should have a gun but not you …still. __ Send her to Sweden .

    1. avatar JR_in_NC says:

      No, she wouldn’t.

      She would say that if WE did not own guns and lean toward self-preservationist ideologies, we upset the poor Muslim rapists and made them want to act out.

      No matter what happens, it will always be our fault. Remember, when a white guy asks a girl for a date with a smile on his face, it’s “rape culture.” When rape is becoming the cultural norm in Germany, it’s “white people are being racist.”

      For example:

      http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/europe/26-women-report-sexual-assault-at-German-music-festival/articleshow/52530407.cms

  13. Improve our safety? How about making gun free zones illegal. Allow everyone to carry EVERYWHERE. Problem solved. These people need to figure out that all of these “mass shootings” happen in “gun free zones”. (Oh I want to kill a bunch of people, but damn it’s a gun free zone, so I guess I can not bring my gun there.) (sarcastically speaking, I do not want to kill people, so please no watch list for me. Thank You) Does anyone really think a “gun free” zone will actually stop someone who wants to shot people? If they do they need a full frontal lobotomy.

  14. avatar American Idiot says:

    A village in Canada is missing its idiot;)

    1. avatar jwm says:

      No. They’re not missing her at all. Raises the iq level village wide when she’s gone.

  15. avatar Greg says:

    She’s absolutely hilarious. Why don’t we pass ‘reasonable speech control’ laws to deal with her and her ilk. Anyway, you know what they say about women who want to ban guns – they have large v*****s.

  16. avatar samuraichatter says:

    “But because of the National Rifle Association I cannot prohibit those people from buying a gun.” – B. Obama.

    I am pretty sure a whole bunch of people, including a bunch of dudes called the Founding Fathers, had something to do with that. What next? Are you going to blame the ACLU for hate speech on the internet because you can’t just trample on the 1st A.? How do we prevent this yuts from procuring more weapons?

    P.S. It was his and our beloved DoD/War Department that had a hand in developing this “weapon of war” that has (inevitably) trickled down to mere pheasants.

    1. avatar Matt says:

      I heard that quote and said to myself horse shit. Write a freaking executive order, you didn’t seem to have any problems doing it in the past for equally ineffectual gun control measures.

  17. avatar jwm says:

    Wonder how many penii have tapped her on the nose? Enough for her to be a good judge of penii length?

    I don’t own an assualt weapon. Does that mean I’m well endowed?

    And what is it with the left and penii? Do they all have fear of said penii? Or is it envy of not having said penii?

    1. avatar CarlosT says:

      [Latin nerd]
      If you’re going to use the Latin plural of the word penis, it would be penes. It’s third declension, and in Latin means tail.
      [/Latin nerd]

      1. avatar jwm says:

        Latin? You mean like Ricky Ricardo?

        1. avatar CarlosT says:

          Clearly, I got some ‘splainin’ to do.

        2. avatar jwm says:

          “Don’t go getting all penisy on me, kid.”

  18. avatar Bob in Idaho says:

    Is there anyway we can hurt these a$$wipes financially?

    Some sort of boycott? Open to suggestions.

    It’s tiring to read Bee, who should go back to Canada. Susan Sarandon. Sabrina the Teen witch actress. Seth McFarlane. The list goes on of celebs who have drunk the kool-aid

    1. avatar 16V says:

      Despite his life deep in the closet, MacFarlane cranks out some very funny stuff.

  19. go back to Canada and stand in line for your brain transplant

  20. avatar Rusty Chains says:

    Actually, while she clearly is compleatly ignorant about firearms, I am willing to believe she has a huge knowledge of the size of the human penis. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if she had tried on several hundred for size, maybe into the low thousands, how else would she have become such an expert.

  21. avatar Kyle says:

    At least Bill O’Reilly admits who doesn’t know anything about guns. This lady doesn’t know anything and thinks she does.

  22. avatar Senior Gun Owner 1950 says:

    An Open Letter to Ms. Bee
    Welcome to the United States of America. If you’ve actually become a U.S citizen, you may recall from your citizenship test, the US Constitution establishes three branches of government and has 10 original amendments.
    It is entirely your right under the First Amendment to advocate for an “assault rifle ban” All you have to do is get Congress (remember that’s the branch of government something like the Canadian Parliament) to pass your beloved “assault rifle ban” and then get the President (in case you’ve forgotten, he’s the guy that’s something like the Canadian Prime Minister) to sign it into law.
    Of course, if your “assault rifle ban” ever gets enacted, there’s still a wee problem with the enforcement. There’s an estimated 5 to 9 million assault rifles already is civilian hands. Since many Americans subscribe to the notion of MOLON LABE, you and your liberal, leftest gun grabbing friends may have a problem getting them back. And if your Canadian education didn’t include the definition of MOLON LABE, it’s a defiant response to gun grabbers like you to come and take them
    So, while you have a first amendment right to advocate for something so stupid, Please remember that the rest of us still have a Second Amendment right to Keep and Bear Arms. And that Second Amendment right, is explicitly and deeply entrenched in the U.S. Constitution.
    Given your recent unfunny screed, it’s appears that, you as a born and bred Canadian, seem to still think that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms applies even south of the US Canadian boarder. Canada, has no right to keep and bear arms because it’s is not specifically spelled out in the Canadian Charter of Rights. According to the Supreme Court of Canada, “Canadians, unlike Americans, do not have a constitutional right to bear arms,”
    R. v. Hasselwander, [1993] 2 S.C.R. 398, at para. 414.
    In R. v. Wiles, [2005] 3 S.C.R. 895, at para. 9 the Canadian Supreme Court also said:
    “Possession and use of firearms is not a right or freedom guaranteed under the Charter,but a privilege.”

    So if you want to live where “possession and use of firearms is not a right,but a privilege and your beloved “assault rifle ban” is the law, THEN HAUL YOUR SORRY ASS BACK TO CANADA AND KEEP IT THERE!!

    PS.
    And try if you’re going to continue to try to be a comedian, please, please, please, hire a better joke writer and an editor. You’re just not funny. And our repetitive gun grabbing screed is just boring. It is as pathetic as you are.
    Respectfully
    Senior Gun Owner 1950

    1. avatar Rick3 says:

      This response is great!!

  23. avatar Kerry says:

    And she has a nice mouth.

  24. avatar RCC says:

    Nuzzo
    I’m Australian and would love to have my Model 10 and mini 14 semi autos back

    Maybe some younger shooters who have never used semi might say that but in quick range survey everyone I spoke to wanted semi auto back

  25. avatar Paul B says:

    need to strap a board across your but to keep from falling in that one. I wish Canada was as hard to get out of as it is to get in.

  26. avatar FormerWaterWalker says:

    It’s never seen a wiener-big or little. Woof…

  27. avatar Higgs says:

    It took about 30 seconds of googling to verify much of what she claims is wrong

  28. avatar PooperScooper says:

    “Semi jacketed 200 9 millimeter”

    i think she is proud of her ignorance.

  29. avatar Cooter E Lee says:

    I appreciate people like her. This week I’ve gotten 2 people that wouldn’t have bought before this bullshit noise into Colt LE6920 OEM2s. That’s two more the grabbers have to take.

  30. avatar Anonymous says:

    “Samantha Bee Lies” should be the title of this article.

    There have been 10 mass killings in Australia since 1996. Also there are 23 million people in Australia and 320 million in the US. So the rates are closer than these people think. But yea… Lie your ass off to ignorant Americans so they can turn into social justice warriors and vote for Hillary.

  31. avatar Mike says:

    Ah, emotions. Thanks for your input, Samantha.

  32. avatar Dyspeptic Gunsmith says:

    I don’t know why this woman has a show on Comedy Central. On her best days, she’s about as humorous as a truss advertisement. In fact, most female comics aren’t funny. Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer, Lisa Lampinelli, et al – their only talent is to be more obscene and cruder than men are.

    1. avatar the ruester says:

      I liked the older comediennes. Paula Poundstone, Rita Rudner, even Ellen was real good at the witty stuff. Don’t care much for the obscenity either.

  33. avatar Bake says:

    Why are gungrabbers obsessed with gun owners’ penis size?

  34. avatar neiowa says:

    Who??? Never heard of her.

    In any case, a double bagger though more likely from appearances she’d be of the “Pulse” demographic.

  35. avatar Matt in Oklahoma says:

    Small huh Lemme stick it in and see who screams first

  36. avatar Libertarian says:

    Short but Dick is okay ^^

  37. avatar Alfonso A. Rodriguez says:

    If an assault weapon makes a man’s penis larger, this means that she will need to get a heavy field artillery piece if she wants to grow something out of nothing between her legs. The old argument about egos and big cars, weapons etc etc et al, ad nauseam. They can never come up with a logical argument nor tell the truth.

  38. avatar Brian M says:

    To hell with her. For respect of her hoplophobic opinions, I will never use a firearm to help her if she is under threat.

  39. avatar EKNJ says:

    Send the asshole back to Canada and get her out of my face. What a stupid, stupid woman. She shouldn’t be allowed to speak – ESPECIALLY about the USA.

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