Three Things You Shouldn’t Say in a Concealed Carry Class

I’ve taken five concealed carry licensing classes. Thank God Texas reduced theirs from eight to four hours. These mandatory classes are deadly dull. Useful for a newbie, of course, but a clear infringement on Americans’ constitutionally protected right to keep and bear arms and ditchwater dull. Most of the time, they take the form of a lecture, with the instructor only pausing to ask the occasional rhetorical or trick question. Rebel that I am, I silently imagined remarks which would have shaken things up a bit. Here are my top three (please add yours in the comments) . . .

  1. I can’t wait for my restraining order to expire!
  2. Look how dirty this barrel is!
  3. Who doesn’t love head shots?

comments

  1. avatar Ross says:

    Hey I love head shots…………….. it’s the only reason I watch the walking dead.

    1. avatar Henry Bowman says:

      You also should not go to the Zoo and yell “A TIGER JUST JUST ESCAPED”.

  2. avatar Sam I Am says:

    Hey ! My kinda guy.

    If you can’t have fun with a gun, what’s the point?

    Of course, I don’t have a gun, so it is a bit of imagineering on my part.

  3. avatar ActionPhysicalMan says:

    When introducing yourself, just warn them “I am allergic to thorazine.”

    1. avatar Paul53 says:

      Thorazine isn’t used anymore. You’re in luck!

      1. avatar ActionPhysicalMan says:

        My barber still uses it. He’s kinda old school I suppose.

  4. avatar Stogie says:

    Can I scratch my head with my pistol? What if my finger is not on the trigger?

    A shotgun is a wonderful tool. It can be used to fire slugs and shot, but in a jam, it works great for a pry bar.

  5. avatar george from fort worth says:

    if you really got around to asking those questions, would you have changed up the order, depending on if you were open carrying or concealed carrying that day?

  6. avatar Rick K says:

    So not walking around with my finger on the trigger is just a guideline right?
    Hey teach…can you show us how to spin the gun on our finger when we re-holster it?
    When I eat too much I undo my belt and pants. Will that be a problem when I c.c. my 6″ N frame?

  7. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    I prefer, “D’they make ammo wit bacon grease on it – yah know, for the mooslims?”

    1. avatar Dave says:

      It’s funny you should ask. There are actually some “Muslim load” shotgun shells with bacon bits in them. Google “remington isis load”.

  8. avatar Randy Taylor says:

    I used my last 2 “clipazines” shooting head shots when I got my Texas CHL. Instructor gave me a few looks, but that’s about it. I told him if you’re going to make me shoot every round(after already shooting a passing score), I’m going to have fun with it.

    1. avatar peirsonb says:

      Best shooting day of my life punching ragged holes, on a day he wanted me too spread them out……

    2. avatar Sixpack70 says:

      Say something like this.

    3. avatar anonymoose says:

      Should have Mozambique’d the target. That way you look like you’re actually trying. If you can accurately shoot a moving target in the head, I really don’t see why you shouldn’t. “COM” is just a euphemism for shooting the baddy in the heart, and that’s just as lethal as blowing their brains out.

      1. avatar Stuki Moi says:

        In addition to it’s high concentration of vitals, you shoot at COM because it is the slowest and most predictably moving part of a moving target. Just like you wood shoot at the center of a propeller, rather than trying to hit one of the blade tips.

  9. avatar Defens says:

    If I do have to shoot someone who is threatening me, where do you recommend the coup de grace shot?

    I’ve heard that if you shoot some scumbag who’s banging on your front door that you should drag them inside before the cops come, true? (Actually, you do hear this one from time to time….)

  10. avatar eremeya says:

    “When do I get my 00 license?”

    1. avatar Timmy! says:

      THAT’S funny! I used to call my CHL a “Double Naught Spy License”

  11. avatar Stoopid1 says:

    Don’t worry, all my felonies are over 10 years old.

    Followed 5 seconds later by …

    They were all just a misunderstanding anyways.

  12. avatar billy-bob says:

    4. F*$! the po-lice, Ima kill some pigs!

    1. avatar OneOfTheGoodGuys says:

      That will raise an eyebrow or two! LOL!

    2. avatar Benzo says:

      “Gonna git me a shotgun and kill all da whities dat I see.”

  13. avatar MikeyCNY says:

    Where can I order my CCW badge?

    1. avatar Paul53 says:

      Mental note; shoot the guy with the CCL badge first!

  14. avatar RockOnHellChild says:

    My favorite has to be, “Man, am I glad that is over with, now who wants a mustache ride?”

  15. avatar pod says:

    “I’m a reporter for…”

  16. avatar Mr. Pierogie says:

    Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

    1. avatar anonymoose says:

      Only works if you’re using a Glock 17 with high-explosive armor-piercing incendiaries.

  17. avatar kenneth says:

    “Ive heard that you can’t shoot a fleeing thief in the back in Texas. Is it OK to shoot ’em in the legs until they turn around?” :-), A Ron White fan

    1. avatar Cam says:

      In Texas you can shoot to kill while they are running away code 9.42
      If they have your property or someone else’s and you feel that there is no other way it would be recovered.

      It’s amazing that Texas has robbers or thieves
      http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/docs/PE/htm/PE.9.htm

  18. avatar Gg says:

    What’s your opinion on open carry?

    1. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      For the win!

  19. avatar Adub says:

    I was in a CC class in MN where an older navy vet kept asking about finishing shots. On three separate occasions during the class, he asked.

  20. avatar MLee says:

    Good. I finally get to kill someone and this time, it’s legal!

  21. avatar defensor fortismo says:

    “So does the background check look into me, or will they look into my other personalities? Because Pazuzu is a real asshole.

    1. avatar anaxis says:

      lol!

  22. avatar 2aguy says:

    When you finish someone off….how far away should you stand?

  23. avatar Jeff the Griz says:

    Which end do the bullets come out of?

  24. avatar Dr Brainwash says:

    Just spin a semi auto around in your hand like that guy last week. That’ll garner some looks.

  25. avatar jwm says:

    Blue wire or red wire?

    1. avatar jwm says:

      Okay, I cut the green wire. Why are the numbers going faster and lower?

      1. avatar jwm says:

        Grab the cat and let’s get out of here.

  26. avatar Curtis in IL says:

    Someone in my class asked if he should administer CPR to someone he wounded in a DGU.

    The instructor said, “Sure. He’ll bleed out faster.”

    1. avatar The Original JohnO says:

      A cop does that in one of the early Joseph Wambaugh novels. Maybe “Roscoe Rules” in The Choirboys.

      1. avatar Kevin says:

        Been a long time since I read it – but I think you are exactly right.

  27. avatar Anonymous says:

    “If they are running away, can I still shoot them in the back?”

    “What if I like turning the gun sideways?”

    “Why do we have to check the chamber so often?? Seems like a waste of time to me.”

    “Damn I smell like skunk, probably shouldn’t have hit that blunt I found in my car.”

  28. avatar Southern Cross says:

    “Why are exit wounds bigger than entry wounds?”

  29. avatar Dave B says:

    My “favorite” is: if you shoot ’em outside, be sure to drag the body in the house.

  30. avatar Roymond says:

    “Anyone wanna vacation with me in ‘Stand Your Ground’ land?”

  31. avatar Josh says:

    The last CPL course i took (through a buddy, for my wife) he had ne do the course with nothing but head shots.

  32. avatar David says:

    Will this permit cover numchucks and samurai swords?

    also, What about ninja stars?

    1. avatar Jay Dunn says:

      The Kentucky CCDW permit covers all of the above plus switchblades and fixed-blade knives of any length.

  33. avatar Bill says:

    “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

  34. avatar MojoRonin says:

    Jiminez and Mexican carry all the way, why waste money on holsters?

  35. avatar Tom says:

    “I never served in the military but my 3 gun commando training on the weekends
    should count for something!”

  36. avatar Dave says:

    If I shoot an intruder on a full bladder but I don’t want to just leave the body unattended, is it kosher to just pee on the body?

    1. avatar Paul53 says:

      Pee on the crotch. They’ll think it’s his/hers/thiers/its.

  37. avatar Geoff PR says:

    “If someone is lying, and you know they’re lying, can you shoot ’em?”

    ‘Armed and Dangerous’ (1986)

  38. avatar JP says:

    Is there a pommel gun? I’d like to end my foes rightly.

    1. avatar Chrispy says:

      I enjoyed this reference

  39. avatar Kevin says:

    Do felony convictions in California and New York count the same as normal states?

  40. avatar Tex300BLK says:

    One of the guys in my LTC class got into an argument with the instructor over why it wouldn’t be legal for him to shoot someone stealing his lawnmower out of his back yard.

    Also, I never felt like my class was boring at all, took it at Centex Guns in South Austin. The teacher was pretty funny and kept the class engaged the whole time.

    1. avatar Warp says:

      Did the lawnmower have sentimental value?
      Was the lawnmower unique? Not possible to be replaced?

  41. avatar Model 31 says:

    Once I get this Texas CHL, I can finally carry in New York and nobody can say anything.
    Whats the best pistol caliber?
    Where can I get a full auto glock?

  42. avatar jwm says:

    I just want to make the voices go away.

    1. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      For the win!

  43. avatar uncommon_sense says:

    “We always shoot to kill, right?”

  44. avatar gs650g says:

    In my class the cop used me in the 21 ft drill. He pretended to have a knife to make a point. I told him I wasn’t about to do for real with him.
    What’s that he asked and I said I would kick you in the balls and gouge your eyes out before I drew. He didn’t like that bit, I didn’t like him trying to convince us we shouldn’t get permits.

  45. avatar uncommon_sense says:

    “A ‘safety’ is a fifth grade student who wears an orange belt and tells younger children when it is safe to cross the street, right?”

  46. avatar glenux says:

    1. I can’t wait to get my license so I can get free drinks at the bar.
    2. I can’t wait to get my license so I can open carry so I can walk around armed just like the cops.
    3. I can’t wait to get my license so I can always have the last say in an argument.

  47. avatar Ian in Transit says:

    When do we practice shooting people?

  48. avatar dh34 says:

    Two to the body one to head, right?

    When do we get to the part about shooting from the car?

    is it legal to shoot two pistols at once?

  49. avatar AR says:

    I’m not afraid to go BACK to prison….

  50. avatar jwm says:

    Soon’s I get this paper Imma have my baby mama buy me a gat. Out of the 4 of them at least 1 ought to be legal.

  51. avatar Andrew says:

    A lot of these comments are pretty darn funny, but I think it is important to remember that any training can be useful, no matter how mundane. If you go into it with an attitude of indifference, you probably won’t learn much. But everybody could stand to brush up on the basics and if you happen to pick up a tip or two, then it makes it all worth it.

  52. avatar Juice says:

    In my class, nobody said anything particularly absurd (or incriminating) but we did get what I feared most: a couple of misinformed knuckleheads repeating old wives tales and myths about Texas gun laws and deadly force, then washing it down by taking every opportunity to gripe aloud about how all our rights are going in the toilet.

    Shut up. You might learn something, and maybe we can all get out of here in 4 hours instead of 5 and a half.

  53. avatar Rick K says:

    Hold my beer and watch this!

  54. avatar petru sova says:

    Actually in the concealed class I took most of the people knew little or nothing about guns. To them the whole course was interesting and informative. True,an old hand like myself found it somewhat tedious but I had fun shocking the newbee’s when we had to go out and shoot to qualify. Not to toot my own horn but I had fun when I saw the shocked faces when I blew out the bulls-eye on the target. In all honesty the range was so short a blind man could have hit the bulls-eye if one had experience shooting handguns, something none of the rest of the people had so they thought I was some sort of a Daniel Boone re-incarnated. Of course I had not the time or inclination to tell them the truth, I was having too much fun pretending I was something that I was not. You know everyone should have 5 minutes of fame. At least I did not walk into a hospital and pretend to be a doctor.

    1. avatar Jeff the Griz says:

      You could have told them you stayed in a Holiday Inn last night.

  55. avatar Kapeltam says:

    Its perfectly legal for me to shoot as long as i shout out SELF DEFENSE! or STAND YOUR GROUND! first, right?

    Let me show you something I learned from watching some guy named Yeager.

    1. avatar Todd Price says:

      Better yet, “It’s coming right for us!”

  56. avatar Chadwick P. says:

    So how many uses is this license good for? This class reminds me of this road rage incident I had the other day. Is it concealed if I’m just holding it in my hand, because I don’t like holsters.

  57. avatar Leadslinger says:

    Start chanting “Helter Skelter”.

  58. avatar Ralph says:

    “Can I sneak this gun past the Secret Service?”

    “Wait ’til my ex-wife finds out I’m packing!”

    “How do I play Russian Roulette with this Glock?”

  59. avatar Paul53 says:

    Does anybody know where I can rent ammo?

  60. avatar Matt R says:

    I think the most cringeworthy thing I heard in my AZ CCW class was something along the lines of, “if i don’t want to shoot them, can i pistol whip them”? Lots of shaking heads and a few smirks.

    1. avatar Paul53 says:

      No, that’s another class!

  61. avatar Paul53 says:

    I always take a pillow to the CCL classes.

  62. avatar Bob316 says:

    “I am secretly filming a documentary for the Brady Campaign.”

    That will get you thrown out of any of the classes I teach along with a trespassing citation.

  63. avatar Paul53 says:

    Do you have a treadmill so I can practice shooting over my shoulder while running away?

    Do drivers license point carry over to my CHL.

  64. avatar Paul53 says:

    What’s it feel like to really shoot somebody?

  65. avatar Paul53 says:

    Do you have any real guns we can try?

  66. avatar Paul53 says:

    It would really help me out if we could date the paperwork about 2 weeks ago.

  67. avatar wrightl3 says:

    “Which way do the bullets go in the clip?”
    “What’s a good holster for a flintlock?”
    “Do you know a good ankle holster for a Desert Eagle .50AE?”
    And one, according to my dad, that a cop actually told my grandfather in the 60’s, “If you shoot a thief breaking into your garage, throw them though your window and they’re payed for.”

  68. avatar sagebrushracer says:

    “Inside 21 feet its ok to use my KaBar instead, right?”

  69. avatar Paul53 says:

    For an informal wedding, should I use a double or single barrel shotgun?

  70. avatar Paul53 says:

    Will that terrible chain saw incident affect my license? The press blew that all out of proportion.

  71. avatar Paul53 says:

    I thought trigger was a horse!

    1. avatar Rusty Chains says:

      Yep, and they stuffed him after he died. Then they sold him after the museum closed he went for $266,500 which is a lot of money to pay for a dead horse!

  72. avatar RetroG says:

    After the instructor in my first class told us not to drag someone we shot into the house or otherwise disturb evidence, one woman piped up with “I suppose using a wood chipper is out of the question then.” It took us all several minutes to stop laughing.

  73. avatar Brian keeps posting this crap says:

    What not to say? Or how to get a better rank?

    1. “You need a big bullet like a .45 cause them coloreds have extra bones, they were made like that so they could do labor for the pure race.”

    2. “It’s not rape if we are both screaming.”

    3. Bring your own gun, quickdraw and point at instructor whenever their back is turned. Be the hero of the class.

  74. avatar Texheim says:

    The first time I took the class I took it with my best friend who wore a shirt that said: “A restraining order is just another form of I love you”

    1. avatar justin says:

      I wore a shirt from 7.62 design that said Proud Infidel with a Miss Piggy look a like with a beer in one had and a shotgun in the other.
      It was actually how I told some internet friends to recognize me in the class, “I’ll be the one wearing the most inappropriate shirt in the class”

  75. avatar don curton says:

    How about “can you please stop with the irrelevant old fogey war stories and just teach the fricking material?” My class was 4 hrs of unadulterated bullshit about how the instructor did a ride along with cops 20 years ago, or how his law firm helped write some minor section in the legal code two iterations back, or slightly off-colored anecdotes that made most of the females in the class uncomfortable. Way to go and set a good example for the gun culture, asshole.

    1. avatar don curton says:

      Oh yeah, he also drew his personal carry 1911, dropped the mag and racked the slide, then used it to illustrate a particular gun handling technique. Then he’d reload and reholster. Then repeat every 10 minutes or so. The entire class. Dammit, get a blue plastic training gun for demonstrations and quit yanking out your fully loaded piece. Most of us were ready to hIt the deck every time he reached for his hip.

  76. avatar Ian in Transit says:

    You mean I have to sit through a 4 hour class before I can legally take my gun to work and shoot the place up?

  77. avatar John Boch says:

    I’ve taught at lot of classes over the years. There are no dumb questions.

    Real (scary) questions:

    1. Should I get a concealed carry badge?
    2. Should I carry a drop gun?
    3. Should I drag them into the house if they fall outside the door? / Should I put a kitchen knife in their hand?

    I’ve also heard some appalling statements as well, early in the classes. We’ve set those people straight – at least straight enough that as far as I know none of my students have ever discharged their firearms inappropriately.

    And I pray they never will, mostly for their sake, but their family’s sake as well.

    Training certainly shouldn’t be mandated, but it does help wise and prudent men stay away from stupid mistakes, false bravado, and doing stupid things in stupid places at stupid times.

    John

  78. avatar misterO says:

    My first CHL class was about fifteen years ago and I was more of an outspoken prankster then. Halfway through the class we were discussing scenarios. I raised my hand and asked the instructor if we were going to be covering the throw-away gun. There was a long silence as the instructor gave me a hard look. He finally said, if I didn’t think you were joking I would throw you out right now. I kept my cheeky comments to myself from then on. And, no, there was no elaboration about the, er, point I brought up.

  79. avatar Moe says:

    I wanted to ask on the firing line “Can I move away from the 96 pound Paris Hilton wannabe whose husband sent her to class with a .357 snub-nose with Buffalo Bore 357 ammo?”

  80. avatar Jim in San Antonio says:

    “I’m gonna get me one of those Glock 7s that don’t show up on x-rays, so I can take it on the plane with me.”

  81. avatar Jake says:

    “Trust me, I know what I’m doing; I play Call of Duty.”

  82. avatar justin says:

    My instructor told us about this one student that tried to register with is Texas DOC ID from huntsville.
    Another story was of a woman that couldn’t release the slide of her gun at the range and decided to try slamming the rear of the slide as hard as she could into the table.

    Also I was talking to this newbie student, who was looking at the pistols. I offered some advice on the pistols and she refused to handle them, saying it took her months to work up the courage to just come to the class.

    And having the best grouping of the group on the range and being called John Wayne.

  83. avatar PeterW says:

    It’s about time I get to shoot real people. I hear they hold a lot of blood!

  84. avatar Hal Cambridge says:

    Where’s the shoulder thingy that goes up?

  85. avatar Soccerchainsaw says:

    Anybody that’s against shooting somebody in the back should watch “Romancing the Stone” and tell me Danny DeVito’s character shouldn’t have been popped in the backside…

  86. avatar DocHendo says:

    83 confirmed kills in ‘nam and I have to sit through this 8u77$#!+ to carry a gun again?

  87. avatar TyrannyOfEvilMen says:

    “Hey! Watch THIS!” ☺️

  88. avatar R Hampton says:

    Show me yours and I’ll show you mine

  89. avatar Zach M. says:

    Is it true that there’s a place in a man’s head, that if you shoot it, it will blow up? And have you ever fired a gun into the air whilst going “RAAAAAAGH!!!”? AND have you ever fired two guns whilst diving through the air?

  90. avatar Jonathan - Houston says:

    Um….Instructor? Yeah, you said that after a defensive gun use, no criminal defense lawyer is going to take us on as a new client without getting at least a $10,000 retainer fee up front. So my question is, how many repeat shootings would someone have to commit before they could have that fee waived?

  91. avatar Steven says:

    Now that I will be able to carry concealed….the neighbors dog will never know what hit him!

  92. avatar Kevin says:

    “Excuse me while I whip this out.”

  93. avatar jwm says:

    You people know you’re just adding to the gun violence epidemic, right. You women know you’re still gonna be raped. But now you’ll get shot with your own gun, right.

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