It happened the other day, again, in the locker room. “Why do you carry a gun?” a random guy asked as I placed my EDC in my locker. “So that good things can happen to bad people,” I replied. I thought it was clever, being in the Bible Belt and all. He didn’t get it. I could have trotted out the old warhorse, “Because a policeman’s too heavy to carry,” but I didn’t want to get into an argument with the protein shake-swilling Schwarzenegger listening in. Anyway, with licensed open carry coming to Texas, I’ve been thinking about snappy answers to that inevitable question. Here’s what I’ve got so far . . .

Why Do You Carry A Gun?

  • Leverage
  • I couldn’t find a holster for my Howitzer
  • Because Jon Wayne Taylor’s not here
  • To make my butt look small
  • To defend against all enemies, foreign, domestic and overly inquisitive
  • Wait. Are you saying I should be carrying two guns?
  • Because my gun suffers from severe separation anxiety
  • Because I woke up this morning in the United States of America
  • Because a knife is way too personal
  • To distract women from the enormous bulge in my pants
  • Because bad guys prefer to attack unarmed citizens like . . .
  • Because Jesus loves me but he’s busy right now

Any other bright ideas?

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204 Responses to Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions: Why Do You Carry A Gun? Edition

    • Because of your mom! She keeps following me around since our special “date” last week. I’m getting kind of scared…

    • “Because I woke up this morning in the United States of America”

      … FTW!!

      But seriously, .. as an adult male .. who goes to a gym, .. anyone attacking -You- (someone of your gender, size, and carriage) is absolutely going to be: Armed, One of Several in a Gang, Dangerously Crazy, or All of the Above.

      The only way to end an attack of that manner is .. to cross your fingers and hope they let you live through … or .. to kick its butt ‘somehow’.

      Now unless the victim is an Action Hero on the set of his own make-believe Kung-Fu Movie, the only functional and authoritative way to do that .. is called Firearms, the great equalizer.

      Another response, psychology, make -them- the problem for not being With It and Getting On The Bandwagon:
      “Are you kidding? .. Or are you, in 2015, still one of the fewer and fewer people who don’t have a CCW yet?? Citizen firearms stop over 2million violent crimes every single year, .. but they only do that .. if you’re Armed. – Or lucky enough to be near someone else who is Armed. Not, myself, being a tumbleweed wimp, I carry my Own Water, as it were. Yourself? Why not??..”

    • Excedrine,

      Along the same vein, this is actually really profound:

      When seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

  1. When a white liberal asks you could say carrying something black makes you feel more racially integrated.

  2. There’s never a rock handy when you need one.

    Do you even listen to what the politicians have in mind?

    I like to keep an eye on it. Make sure it doesn’t go off and shoot someone when I’m not watching.

  3. Because I take my role as citizen seriously – too bad you don’t

    Because I value my life

    Because all lives matter

    Because when seconds matter, police are only minutes away

    Because I’m a member of the unorganized militia – and you’re shirking your duties

    • So the breach on a Gustav is what they’ve been talking about all this time??
      Now the gun grabbers arguments all make sense. How could I have been so blind? Guns are bad.

      • Anyone who argues the 2nd amendment is about muskets should be confronted with the sword question, as swords were regularly worn in combat in the late 1700s.

        • A bit longer than that. Swords were regularly carried in combat by cavalry, NCOs, and officers through World War I. The banning of carrying of swords by civilians, begun in the early 19th century, was a measure to enforce anti-dueling laws.

        • Oh I know, but those who think the 2nd amendment should only apply to weapons available at the moment the Bill of Rights was drafted, as if the founding fathers had no concept of the passage of time, should be addressed.

    • Still, if I could, I’d unleash Chuck Norris carrying the two MP5s in Delta Force – while I ran to get more ammo.

  4. Because I own my life and am the only one responsible for that life and my safety.

    I Carry a Gun – Get Over IT http://www.thepriceofliberty.org/?page_id=848

    But, in the end, I live and therefore I am. I don’t need any other person’s permission to live or defend myself. I don’t need anyone’s vetting of my intentions or sanity, nor approval for the self defense tool I choose or how I carry it.

    I don’t NEED to explain myself. I don’t NEED any reasons at all.

  5. Because happiness is a warm gun.
    Because my Secret Service protection is out picking up hookers.
    I never know when you may go off you meds.
    Because my dual mag carrier on my other hip would look stupid alone.

  6. “Because human beings are just animals with great capacity to control emotions. Sadly, too many of you don’t exercise that capacity.”

    “Human nature. Quite savage if you realistically think about it.”

    “Because the supporters of CSGV, Brady Campaign, and Mommies Demand Action want me dead. No seriously, read their comments section.”

  7. In Israel I carried every day, even when in civvies. Not concealed carry — In Israel, carry is carry — open or concealed — same thing. If you have a license it is good forever and anywhere.

    Anyway, one day, a tourist speaking accented English (Spanish maybe), asked me “Why do you carry a gun?” (a 9mm 1911, just fyi). I was initially stunned by the question, because this was in ISRAEL and I was in Jerusalem at the time. I responded with a clever (I thought) — ” Perhaps you haven’t heard — this is a dangerous, country.”

  8. Because I can’t afford armed security to follow me around all the time like an elitist anti freedom liberal does….

  9. Stranger: Why do you carry a gun?

    Me: Departmental regulations.

    Stranger: Your an off duty cop?

    Me: No.

    Stranger: (weird look)

    Me: The local PD regulates that robberies shall receive a response time of no less than 7 minutes, and this thing is a bit quicker than that.

    • Open carry and wear an ares armor “American Terrorist Foundation” shirt and somehow people just assume you are a fed. Haha I had some poor teenage kid ask me what the atf was. I told him it’s a federal agency and if he wished to know more he could google “operation fast and furious”. He seamed pleased haha.

  10. If it’s intended to be a serious question, then I’d respond with “I’d rather have it and not need it.”

    And if it’s intended to be an unserious question, then I’d be more like “because the police usually arrive with chalk in hand.”

  11. “I tried walking it on a leash, but that seemed inhumane.”

    If they say anything similar to “Strutting about with a gun on your hip.” I give them one of these:

    “Hips don’t lie” and wink flirtatiously, works extra well when the inquisitive idiot is a man.

    or

    “Should I duct tape it to my forehead instead?”

  12. “Because i am going venture outside the security of your personality”

    “I dont want my wife to have the funding to run off with a 24 year old zumba instructor named Armando”

    “It gets Shannon Watts excited and flustered”

    “Foreplay”

  13. “It’s a safety device. Just like the fire extinguisher in my car.”

    “Because I can.”

    “Why do I carry a handgun? Because a rifle won’t fit in the holster.”

  14. “The same reason I have insurance against my house burning down and a fire extinguisher at home.” “I’m not likely to need any of them, but if I do, I’m glad I have them.”

  15. Why do I carry a gun? Because I couldn’t get a permit for a grenade launcher.

    Shamelessly stole that one from one of my favorite bad movies: Split Second.

  16. “Same reason a cop does–for self-defense.”
    If I were a female, I might add:
    “Because I would rather not die covered in my own piss and puke”.

  17. Because Obama hasn’t hired me a personal armed guard yet.

    I’m not psychic so I have to prepare for when the bad guy wants to attack.

    Ever see something and say to yourself “Where’s a cop when you need one?”

  18. Q. Why Do You Carry A Gun?

    A. The very fact that you have to ask me that question, means you wouldn’t understand any rational answer I would give you.

  19. Joke answer: “Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms.”

    Real answer: “Same reason I train martial arts or have a fire extinguisher, I don’t go looking for trouble, but that doesn’t mean trouble wont find me.”

  20. I usually prefer the classic because “when seconds count…:” but lately, when it rarely comes up I prefer “because life matters”. I rather enjoy the facial response it quite often generates. I suppose asking why they dont also works pretty well.

  21. A – “For the same reason there’s a first aid kit in my bag.”

    “If I need to spell that out… I carry(*) because I’d like to be able to do what I can to keep myself alive … or you. And the need might arise.”

    (*) Personally, I don’t carry a gun, being that NY State makes doing so difficult (for the law-abiding.)

    As a consequence I’ve said this, too: “So, your preferred policy keeps me disarmed, just in case you were wondering. That’s against my preference, which is kind of obnoxious of you, and if you really think I’m a threat, the number for 911 is ‘911.’”

    • Unless you live down near NY City or a few unfortunate counties, the state doesn’t make it that hard. It really depends on your county. Some may look for *any* reason not to give you a permit, while others just make sure there isn’t a good reason to deny it. “May issue” certainly sucks, but it’s far from impossible to get a permit except for the City.

  22. I was in a gas station once and a guy walked in and said, “Woah, you have a gun! Are you going to shoot me?” I said, “Well, I guess that’s really up to you.”

  23. Ya’ know I don’t tell ANYONE so it doesn’t come up-concealed is concealed(and that includes anyone knowing…yeah I have snappy answers but I will just let lowlifes and the curious be surprised…

  24. RF, you’re such a huge proponent of home carry (and rightly so), how is it you aren’t rocking a fanny pack or something similarly functional to allow gym carry?

  25. A guy asked me in a store once, obviously in an arguementative fashion. I said “in case I need to shoot someone.” Since we’re in Alaska some ppl assume it’s for bear protection. I said “I don’t carry for animals, it’s for shooting other humans with, should the need arise.”

  26. Well, ya see used to have a trained protection dog but he ran away, now lives on a farm out in the country and gets scrambled eggs and crispy bacon every morning, said he is not coming home. I wear a holstered handgun with a restraining strap so it can’t run away.

      • “Can you give me directions to that farm?”

        Wish I could but, in a time honored Texan tradition , if you ask us a question we really don’t want to answer, we’ll just tell you a story.

        Actually the dog is in Federal Witness Protection Program.

    • Yeah Dylan, as if that ever works! Tell you what, go have a reasonable conversation, or as you put it, “a constructive helpful answer” about guns with someone of a differing view or as we say it, the antis and get back to us on how it went.

      It never works. They don’t listen. That’s why it’s coming down to telling them to f—- off!

    • Actually there are quite a few answers here that will make people think.

      Those who are incapable of thought won’t ask the question. They recoil in paralyzing fear at the sight of a gun and run off to post a statement about your penis on the CSGV faceplant page.

    • This is based on an old mad magazine thing. It’s meant as humor. Thought obviously some people will actually use some of these. And some of them might be apropos. For example, asking the right poignant question in a friendly way can make people think in ways they wouldn’t have before.

    • “…Storm says:
      October 25, 2015 at 15:47

      Q. Why Do You Carry A Gun?

      A. The very fact that you have to ask me that question, means you wouldn’t understand any rational answer I would give you…”

      There’s your answer, Dylan.

  27. Because I LOVE hearing the latest penis size firerarm analogies from liberals….do you have one for me? Wink. Wink….

  28. Guns are like parachutes and life jackets. If you don’t have one when you need one, you may never need one again.

  29. “Why Do You Carry A Gun?”

    Because I finally realized one day that I am not bullet-proof and being unarmed won’t do me much good against someone who is armed.
    Are you bullet proof?
    no?
    Then you might consider carrying one too.
    I would be glad to show you how to shoot.

  30. In my best James Cagney voice…

    ” You dirty rat! You’d take away my right to defend myself and my family? You dirty rat!
    Now, you dirty rat, this country was founded on God, Guns and Guts…see!
    NOW! If you mess with my brother, you mess’in with me!
    We Americans watch out for each other! You dirty rat!
    I carry ’cause I’m ‘posed to!”

    • “If Will stops and cries Why, invoking Because, then Will stops & does nought. If Power asks why, then is Power weakness. Also reason is a lie; for there is a factor infinite & unknown; & all their words are skew-wise. Strain forth thine Intelligence, O man, for thus thy reason shall at last break down.

  31. Stranger: Why do you carry a gun?

    Me: Did you ever carry a condom when you were younger? You know, in case you needed one? It is kind of like that, except when I was younger I really wanted to use the condom.

    • Why do you wear a seatbelt?
      Why do people tend to keep a fire extinguisher in the kitchen or home?

      Same logic.

  32. Because the Ministry prohibits us from using magic in the presence of muggles.
    Because a plasma rifle in a 40watt range hasn’t been invented yet.
    Because nobody makes a holster for rocks.
    Because a flamethrower prints.
    Without this counterweight, I would invariably list to the left.
    Because carrying a honey badger is prohibited in the U.S.
    Because my shipment of Amazonian poison dart frogs hasn’t arrived yet.
    Because my blowgun is out getting Cerakoted.
    That’s not a gun, it’s a forged, machined, gas operated carrying case for unspent bullets.
    That’s not a gun, it’s a liberal-Leftist mental detector. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep…
    Oh that,…it’s actually a nail gun. The thing is, it only shoots very short, hollow point nails.
    A gun is much more fashionable than Kevlar, don’t you think? Kevlar is so 1990’s.
    Because inserting these bullets manually, is easier said than done. A tad messy too.
    Because these god dang stupid bullets just won’t shoot themselves.

  33. Because the world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. – Albert Einstein

  34. I’m going to apeal to poetry and religion!
    “If Will stops and cries Why, invoking Because, then Will stops & does nought. If Power asks why, then is Power weakness. Also reason is a lie; for there is a factor infinite & unknown; & all their words are skew-wise. Strain forth thine Intelligence, O man, for thus thy reason shall at last break down.”

  35. “To drive off Tigers..”
    when they say there are no Tigers in (insert location here)
    Smile and say “See? it works!”

  36. Even Cait Jenner still carries a gun.
    I carry this revolver in case someone in the locker room tries to take my gun. You aren’t going to try that are you?

  37. Because they haven’t invented lightsabers yet.
    I use it as a hole punch for my scrapbooking.
    Because Tapout shirts.
    Its a good arm rest.
    (if they see it in your shoulder holster) It keeps me warm.

  38. While I think facetious answers are funny, and there are some good ones here, I don’t take that approach. I try, and I admit it doesn’t always work, to educate the person asking. My hope is that at least some of the people who ask are genuinely interested and might learn something that would lean them a bit farther in our direction.

    I say, “Two reasons. To protect myself and other innocent people in our increasingly violent world, and to exercise OUR Second Amendment rights. A right that is not exercised soon gets taken away.”

  39. “Because I own a fire extinguisher” is my normal line (of course I almost never get to use it).

    Makes for 90+% confused faces. The ones that get it are golden.

    • I have done that and it works well in the right situation; mostly if they seem to just be itching to condem the practice.

  40. For the same reason I carry insurance.

    Why wouldn’t I?

    You Don’t?! Huh, weird…

    The leash things wasn’t working out.

    Honestly though, I haven’t had questions like that in a long time. Most people I know also carry and those that don’t, liberal or otherwise, know I carry and don’t really even think about it any more. Normalization and all that.

  41. The same answer I gave my father when he asked why I would own an assault weapon (AR15 in .223): “Because it is my right and I can.”
    Not that my dad is anti-gun, he owns a few. He just doesn’t understand the purpose behind owning assault type weapons.

  42. So that if someone should come to me intent on giving their life up for their addiction or religion, I can oblige them.

  43. “Random violence. Here’s a better question – WHY don’t YOU carry a gun? Do you read/watch the news?”

  44. Meta Answer: “Because I wanted to find out for myself why someone would carry a gun.”

    Captain Obvious Answer: “So I have it with me.”

    Thought-Provoking Answer: “So that I know there will always be a Good Guy With a Gun nearby.”

    Conversation Starter: “Have you ever exercised your Second Amendment rights?”

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